Twenty-two years old

all my heroes are cornballs dropped today

ive got too many friends

everyday im hit up again and again

i wouldnt have it any other way

but fuck a to do list in my head!

and fuck the notifications on my phone

my buzzing thigh, please leave me alone

its not my fault im addicted to this thing

what else is there to do when im at home?

some buddies wanna hang with me

but ive already got a pretty girl to go see

im spending most of my time being a whore

so i dont have time for most of the homies

molly capsules tonight, chlamydia pills tomorrow

cant expect instant delight without the following sorrow

puff on a cigarette right after i hop out of the shower

smelling like all my regrets for the following hour

most days i just want to be a stranger

go about my day solo and disregard the danger

sadness is seductive, anonymity is attractive

and even when youre alone you can still throw a rager

ive been a terrible friend to some

i dont even know what im running from

white lies to save face

with the people who love me the most

---

getting off and putting your pants back on are both easier when youre by yourself

---

i dont do anything because i cant do anything

motivation is not something i have

even in my free time i do nothing

i dont make plans, i wait for plans to made for me

and if they arent thats okay too

im content just sitting here

i dont really feel that bad about it

but its kind of pathetic

i wont tell you how to live your life but please tell me how to live mine

because i feel directionless

and i have for some time

i wonder if ill look back on these entries with the pity that i feel even now for my past self

a loving pity of understanding and happiness that im no longer there

im doing alright

even if im doing nothing

9/9/19

last night i sobbed into a*****s arms as i confessed how much she means to me

it wasnt anything i was hiding, tho when it was coming out, i realized how absent it had been

it was a mixture of the liquor and beach house that caused my shakes and yelps. truly uncontrollable

now that i look at love so differently i figure ill never experience a chase like her again

so i wept for the past a bit as well. my past, my old self. falling so hard for her past self

my crying felt like the most genuine act ive ever done

how many times have i allowed myself to do that? 5?

allow isnt the right word either. id do it every moment if i could

with every emotion i feel- there is no thought process, only the emotion taking control of the wheel- in this moment youre just a big vessel of feelings

as much as i give myself to moments

and emotions and feelings

my truth is that these moments of being overthrown are situational

tho they are becoming more frequent

and i think that speaks to my actions and morals aligning more

and my constant vulnerability being even more solidified 

9/7/19

chlamydia pills for breakfast really makes me realize how many people love me

the people over the years that have experienced me, not even just those who love fucked me

even while im home alone in my room a lot a bit drunk and typing this out

reminiscing about the hundreds who ive known, those who i talk about with homies and not for the clout

the rain has been falling a little bit slower lately now that im not in school

student loans to pay, cigarettes and liquor to buy, but yall are the reason im able to keep my cool

the songs i dont remember are like the friends i dont talk to anymore

youve all played roles in my life but i just cant be bothered being bored

weyes blood - movies

I try to create because my life is a movie

The most fantastic and beautiful movie I’ve ever watched

The rain falls a bit slower today

And the wind is just enough

I only wish to share the beauty and awe that I witness with the rest of the world

I can’t wait for winter

The trapped acoustics that snowfall brings

I remember one of my most profound thoughts as a child was that little green army men were shooting me at all times

I could not see them tho I always outsmarted them

Each subconscious move dodging a bullet

I think I was right because I haven’t been hit yet

Jesus Christ, i really haven’t ever been hit yet

Dramatic because of the movies

I don’t plagiarize because I don’t want them to sue me

My own Oscar winning film

Continuously recording

That really was the best cigarette of my life

---

i am in my own movie

i am

i am the star of mine

of my own, my own

my own

i am the star

i am

i am the star of mine

of my own, my own

my own

i am the star of my own movie- how else could i possibly have witnessed so many different lamps in different strangers rooms turn on or off over these 22 years?

i only smoke cigarettes to fit an aesthetic- its not a lack of confidence, rather an act for bystanders to witness and mentally applaud

im probably the most confident person ive come across- if everyone was like me the world would be perfect. just ask my homies

i won best smile and most desirable date my senior year of high school...guess which one i chose? (the one that leans on the adorable side, not sexy)

keep on shootin little green army men! my free will and subconscious motions of everyday life will forever dodge your invisible bullets

i havent been hit yet

jesus christ, i really havent ever been hit yet

9/4/19

life feels a little too hard to live when you drop $9 thousand on just a fraction of your student loans

finally starting to give back all that fafsa money youve been saving up

only to pay more in the end

for some reason interest wasnt a real concept to you yet

then there are the little things that snowball into slightly bigger small things although they may as well be wrecking balls

like having your bike lights stolen

then dropping $50 on a new set because nobody can see you with the weak shit

then struggling to open up the back light in order to insert the batteries and not realizing your front light has a lock on it so you bike home from work in the dark again like a fool

i wish i could have just taken the thief out for lunch

then maybe tonight could have been a little brighter

my urethra is acting up and i dont know why

its weird as fuck to even type that sentence out

but i still appreciated some things today

like the man who said hello with a head nod across the street while i had my third cigarette of the day

and the woman who was twirling a bright green hula hoop outside her front door

and my manager who was directly underneath the light pole the second it lit up for the night

and i woke up next to ellie this morning

just a few things

a couple days after a few days after the move

oh how i wish i would have taken your photo

as the soft evening glow penetrated the window and our shared bottle of wine

illuminating the dust, proving that this magic we feel is really here

and again as the solid blocks of sun engulfed us on our bike ride the next morning

ive never seen such big blue eyes pair so well with a small grin

and just the smallest trace of a hickey

there is no such thing as ownership, tho i feel a sense of pride in seeing what i left you

a mouth mark of intimacy

evidence of our time together

and the dancing dust that surrounds us as we frolic wherever you suggest

a few days after the move

the rain falls a little slower today

as the dust from the panic settles

sturdy and stable, balanced and brave, i write

finally

the weight was lifted immediately.

8/24/19-8/25/19

thank you for cancelling our plans before i put my second sock on

now were both half assing it

push me solo to my favorite bar-

a bunch of random demographics getting together and thrashing it

bumping elbows as your hair touches my arm

smelling your shampoo innocently without harm

lost in an orgy of flailing and feeling

only a little drunk, but no caring or seeing

doing what the music tells me

these 70s jams in my heart tear me

feeling a bit feminine

maybe veganism does have extra estrogen

(only playing)

away from my oppressors

who are also my homies

living my truth, only had to move my dresser

8/10/19

fuck a dick suck

id rather love fuck

please mount the body of this young buck

turn my poison into good luck

pure gold weve struck

a little liquor with the mock duck

gets us more and more unstuck

im open tho im not a cuck

only thing you gotta watch is me self destruct

livin like im in a rush

ridin thru the rain with our windows down

wiper speed doesnt match the drizzle but who cares

today were a little off

shots for lunch

and tip our server fat

we get it

reminisce about our past experiences while we make a new one

and talk about our recent slash future lovers with each other

What a terrifically gloomy day

this summer

what have i learned this summer?

i learned that love is open

and that love is everywhere

and that love can be immediate and when it is it is all that you are focused on for the first few days

although its probably for the best to fall in love with the idea of someone instead

ive learned how to navigate my feelings of the unknown

when the only known is your emotional, unrelenting unrest

at least a little better

ive learned that staying up into the early hours of the morning and waking up midday is very fun and i am okay with doing that

why the fuck wouldnt i be? ive learned to stop putting as much unnecessary and damaging pressure on myself to do certain things that i think "should" be done

ive learned that i want many more tattoos

and that i should give myself more credit in finding nice people to love fuck

ive learned that moving on is a part of life

that friendships are forever

but time spent with them and words exchanged are not

and that it is okay

ive learned how to focus just the smallest amount more

but its been progress

overall ive realized how special i am more than any other year

ive felt the love that ive received from those who love me

honestly it is the fuel that keeps me alive

a tarantino matinee

on this beautiful summer day

light a cigarette by the river

only motive is to deliver

an aura of a moviestar

for strangers to glance at from afar

beads of sweat on my forehead

simply reminiscent of whats ahead

not concerned about my view

only worried about the few

that may see me smoking by my lonesome

and therefore know that i am wholesome

inspired by the flicks

i see instead of beating dick

yet still trapped to recreate

the moment the theater closes its gates

but todays a great day to be alive

im thru the worst, im in my stride

all wonders of tomorrow

stay stuck in futures sorrow

and all regrets of the past

are overshadowed by my present glance

Spend my days looking for the music that’ll hit right

And when I don’t, I wish I didn’t but I sit tight

Waiting for the events that lead my days to get bright

8/1/19

basements are supposed to be shelter from the summer humidity

but yours seemed to be its open invitation

not even a fan to pretend that you were trying

every pore, squeezing sweat out of me towards the sound of your voice

each sentence another strap of the straight jacket

did you not hear me tell you that i already came?

15 minutes vs 3 hours

different strokes for different folks in action

you talk a lot of shit for someone who loves me

thank god youre drunk so this wall of silence wont be remembered

you think im just wasting time with you?

that im here because its a grace period

a set night of the week that my partner and i get to cheat on each other

consensual infidelity

i dont even have the energy to explain this anymore

you just dont fit my mold

last night made that clear

it doesnt matter what youre told

its in and out your tiny ears

cant even masturbate because the pornstars dont look like you

purr of a laugh

l******

i miss ya

longin to kiss ya

throwback to the past because i still aint even hit ya

what is this

unfinished business

tell me your wish list

your presence is a present makin me feel like its christmas

lockin eyes when you pass me the cig

unsure if its the drugs or the lust thats got our pupils this big

overreach just a bit to stroke your finger

and gently let this soft touch linger

under watch of friends who cant know

but when two feel like this...theres no need to show

ohhh those fuck me eyes

please watch my pants rise

just to make sure were on the same page

ive always wanted to sleep with an older age

we just met but we can still love fuck

go ahead, mount the head of this young buck

i dont cum fast because i dont cum at all

sexy when it shouldnt be

tell me when youre free

show me whats behind that eye shadow

you lead with your gaze, please let me follow

tonight we hover in each others company

flirting quiet yet abundantly

touching you softly when gazes are averted

shoutout to my newfound courage

7/30 straight into 7/31

it began with a dome of confetti

and those "fuck me" eyes that were locked into mine after every purple beam of light illuminated the space that we both took up

in our own little bubble

(nobodys ever looked at me quite like that before)

before long the brim of my hat was pecking your forehead as we tongue kissed and exchanged flavored breaths of a new person

it ended falling asleep together as we shared the bed with two other nude bodies

long talks, cigarettes, and those god damn eyes led us to love fucking

at least it was a love fuck for me

snorting ecstasy in your company was more potent than any drug i did that day

i long to be inside that warm pink home again

maybe thats why i cant ever finish

in this moment i love you

who else could push me to this pleasure?

i owe this to you

passed the apex

made from two

in these seconds of the rush

that we have so long awaited

in this moment before the act

holding hands (and eye contact) with our eyes

i see into you

i am in you

and we are each other

the warm exterior provides an even warmer interior

in this moment i love you

i would do anything for you

as you have done everything to bliss me

imprinting our one body forever to memory

the past is long gone (courtship)

the future much too far (ecstasy has to fade)

it matters not, for in this moment

we simply are

a puffing train and its whistle

passed the peak

on the decline of the mountainside

thick, bellowing steam blends with the clouds

motion blurs us together, surroundings and all

there is no stopping it now

man the cannons!

gravity does not allow the ammo to travel straight

but our abilities to propel a load so hefty at all

is a victory

moaning pleasure

air escaping my warm pink home

the only breath of fresh air is when my suctioned mouth slips off your nipple

in this moment i love you

feeling the rush of someone new

and the rush below me

because im the best at being me

material things mean nothing

i have lived thru all of my experiences

and even if i cant remember every funny tweet

or game winning shot ive witnessed

or who i was with to experience them with

i experienced them

and that means everything to me

i have no real memorabilia

only things that are useful to me now

and allow me to do things that i will look back on and remember in the future

or forget

and thats okay too

because i have already experienced them

nostalgia cannot be recreated

i realized that in 6th grade on my second annual basketball tournament

since then ive stopped trying to recreate my favorite feelings

and have only given myself to situations

vulnerable and genuine

i have fully let others experience me and have taken what i can from them

and moved on

with the feelings i had at the time help guide me in the present

which always turns into the future

from the feelings i had in those nostalgic moments

im the best at being me

and other people see that

sometimes they even tell me

a solid confirmation for something i hope is always present

sometimes i worry about if ill have enough reach

with the messages i want to portray

but every now and then i take a step back

and think about all the souls ive encountered already

in my 22 (almost 23) years

and how many ill come across until the time im no longer here

and all the good i will have given to the world

the world i will no longer be a part of

what could be better than that?

im so proud of myself

even if im not motivated to do certain things

because at the end of the day,

they are more surface level

than fleshing out the ideas that i work out in my head and in conversations

i am on the right path

a path of self happiness and integrity, a path with no end

i am the best at being me

andy dufresne and his hope

i wouldnt say i self medicate

but this liquor helps the problems

im not good enough to meditate

so it helps until i solve em

you rescheduled again

after a day of bad anxiety

you dont reschedule if youre more than friends

shut myself off from society

another night alone up in my perch

spent being sad and drunk

id rather be numb than hurt

this is more than just a funk

i still find myself romanticizing

about the duo we could be

but i dont like what im finding

doubt ill ever be free

i see a therapist tomorrow

for the first time in my life

excited but scared to see what follows

but lifes pleasures are becoming tight

im scared of every day that comes

a new chance for me to feel the dread

still havent found out where its from

im just excited to be dead

so it stops

and i can live within my dreams

but not the ones i had today

or the day before that

maybe there isnt hope

but the unknown always allows it

so i remain optimistic

about my mental state

and our future date

life will be great

at least i hope

oh, that little white butterfly that took my innocence

and made me discover what it meant to be a man

a smooth skinned child playing in his yard

and knowing there was something more than just blood rushing to a new part of the body

i fell in love with that little white butterfly

an encapsulation of hope and beauty and future and security and reciprocity

and letting loose

and giving in

i thought of that little white butterfly the first time it erupted

leaving me with confusion and a mess to clean up on my tummy

and bliss

it was summer then too

that little white butterfly is in all the women i chase

really, all the women i see and all the women i fantasize about

even if for only a moment

there are so many little white butterflies

but none quite like the one i watched first

henry

somedays i still think about you henry

the boy across the street, one of my first friends

a homie at times

but not all the time

one of my first memories of betrayal was the day we both walked out our front doors in the same window of time

face to face, 40 yards away

as if the universe knew just what little boys wanted and beckoned us to have a little fun

our waves were tall, our bodies small

we agreed on meeting outside after we both told our mommies where we were going

to have some fun together

i entered and exited swiftly, ive been good with my words even as a child

and so i sat- and waited for your return- in my front yard

but you never came

my green summer grass became my prison- i dared not leave my yard because i would hate to be a bother

the concrete was lava thanks to the afternoon sun

it produced the same effect of a shock collar- but my parents didnt believe in physical punishment

i thought about how i taught you to whistle- or tried, you never could get it as well as me, and i remember that upset you

but this is how you repay my efforts?

a confused little boy, sitting all alone

with only hurt emotions

6 years later you visited our elementary school again after you had moved away

my parents had been divorced for 5 years up to this point and i had shed a lot of tears since youve been gone

but we all had. children cry because they have no reference. because theyre fragile and vulnerable and beautiful

last year i wept to hold my younger self and be able to give him some- because i know the confusion that ive been through better than anyone

it was nice to see you again out there on the playground

you got bigger- a lot bigger

this was the first memory i have of reconnection with an old friend

a "fuck you" to time moving on and friends moving states

but our chat was brief,

we were too young to know how to hold a conversation

i hope you felt the way i felt

a nice taste of nostalgia for a 6th grader to be exposed to

a building block in my castle of reference

and a moment which swelled my heart

i hope youre doing well

i hope you learned how to whistle

i forgive you for leaving me alone in my front yard

rockin

rockin underwear with a hole in the gooch

start the morning right, snort a line of nooch

What A Great Day To Be Alive

even tho im

im still waiting for the text

from a stranger who left

her number on the table

and me without my breath

last night missed my booty call

even tho the

one woman whos presence is my high

rescheduled with me for the 3rd time

in a row

its still a great day to be alive

not anxious, my mind is clear

yo i recently quit drinking caffeine

replaced the cup of joe with nicotine

and masturbation

no more hesitation

for the relaxation of my mind

im feelin fine man

what a great day to be alive

for once the sun matches my mood

bring your drugs, bring your smiles

i got the speaker im ready this time

our music will spread miles

what a great day to be alive

daydreamin in my nest

catchin up on rest

in my sunny bedroom to propel me to the next

amy 27 final final

sittin in silence

bidin my time n

dickin around

no love to be found

i took the early cut from work

so we could kick it asap

but i guess you forgot

i guess i fell into your trap

lemme kiss the tattoos

on your tiny body

expectations just lead to disappointment

succumbing to emotions

(dove in headfirst but forgot to check the depth)

as soon as theyre presented

jump into the deep end

you think id learn my lesson

i just wanna be loved man!

gimme your goo

and ill give you mine

to lovers intertwined

for just one night

thats all i ask

thats all i want

ill move on after that i promise

another reschedule

AreYouStillYou

hung up in my perch

gotta get to work

wide open nerves

feelin nothin but the hurt

aint been feelin like myself

maybe i need help

gotta get down to the dirt

hung up in my perch

hung up in my perch

dont ever get to work

cant even tell whats worse

the numbness or the hurt

as of late i aint been me

in fact i dont know who to be

im stuck im feelin worth-

less, hung up in my perch

dont remember if ive masturbated yet today

i like the smell of my cologne, but not much else

crushed into submission by all the shit thats on my plate

reaffirming thoughts gettin sparser by the day

worst part about it is im feelin this way now

but i know once this chapters over wont even remember how

i was eaten up alive

these stressors deep inside

my weakened, hurtful mind

too down cant even cry

or muster up the courage

to try

at anything

i been stressed for two years now, this shit new to me

trace it back to when i found out i should be a better me

"cant change the world on your own" but thats a root in me

hold on to the feeling that ive got so much ahead of me

he who is selfless puts the world in front of him

combat with the masses just so he can stunt on em

and preach to the privileged because he is one of them

infiltrate the enemy and spread out the love or somethin

but you gotta be mad

and ready to attack

empathetic and aggressive

give it all you have

give it to em straight-

dont let em spit their hate

these close minded fucks

wont listen to the other

so you play buddy buddy with your so called brothers

this aint no shit about white knights

only tryna confirm what is right

white moderate is

build up the world so we can all be kings

debilitating feelings but i know im getting better

on the right path

the past is the past

gotta hit the road and make some progress, lemme grab my sweater

an okay summers eve, 7/14/19

sittin in silence

bidin my time n

dickin around

im playin in my pockets, accidentally grab the condom instead of the powerball

doesnt matter either way because im not getting lucky so fuck it all

took the early cut from work so we could kick it in the afternoon

yet here i am, after dinner, wondering if ill ever "see you soon"

its a hot one today!

and this liquor makes it hotter

gettin drunker by the hour

i dont even know if i want her to see me now lol

i just want her to reply to me

about the plans we made earlier this week

which is now today

the date is here

but who i am to say

perhaps her absence is sincere

the one new soul so far

in which i imagined a later date

finally pursuing our desires

but so far it isnt great

just boring

and stagnant

i assume youll hit me back when im snoring

maybe im not what i thought i was to you

i refuse to double text, dont wanna be annoying

oh well

you owe me nothing and that we can agree on, it goes both ways

i just thought today would be a day to remember...one of those days

that i look back on

the beginning of something new

i was hoping youd text me back while i wrote this so i could be even more dramatic

but alas! i guess thats it

this isnt to knock you

i just want to rock you

the way you rock me

also july 10, 2019- on a couple points of molly (a solo roll)

you sweet, sweet boy

this is proof that you can feel happiness

of course this is the extreme, you turned the volume up to 11

and of course you are on drugs typing this but just always remember

you are not doomed

youve gotten thru so much already

and you will continue to get thru whatever it is that is put in front of you

because jesus christ youre just the fuckin shit

and youve always known

that confidence can be reflected internally

it will take practice

but youre on your way already, its already getting better, you acknowledge it and you are thinking about it and working with it and figuring out what helps you calm down, feel better, etc

with each day you are practicing

even the bad days (thats just what they are), you should carry no weight about them

in fact you should be proud!

you got thru another one <3

---

gliding down the street while blind to my surroundings

spend today within myself, this feeling is astounding

the smell of pussy lingers on my fingers

the taste of your breath sends shivers down my neck

reminiscing of your kissing

leg locked and shell shocked

we were laid

july 10, 2019

soft and continuous, this drizzle has been

it doesnt take long for the shift to begin

the grey from the clouds manifests in your mind

and explodes inside out in an instant of time

your sun is eclipsed, you have no more light

you look up above to see no end in sight

hyperaware of the thunder and lightning

youve discovered a new definition of frightening

breaths become short

though your heart rate is fine

its all in your head

for you, the sky cries

a scared little boy with a mustache

who grows more fragile each day

you once were so confident

but all you feel now is decay

---

cloudy days in the summer feel like a waste. although it wasnt entirely the weathers fault, i can also blame my landlord who woke me and my sleeping partner up to remove my bed for another city inspection hes going to fail. our naked bodies jolted from the bed and ripped from our dreams. that was the first step to an anxious day. next were all of us roommates in the tiny dining room while i ate my cereal for some reason. i was there for a reason, where the fuck else am i gonna eat? they only seem to use this room for shouting and laughing. needless to say i was outnumbered and small. the last pickaxe to my peace of mind was the two huge dads eating sunflower seeds and cheating on their crossword puzzles

i left and wandered to walter, letting the mist consume me to the point beyond refreshing and my umbrella suffer, tied up in the side pocket of my waterproof messenger bag, completely defeating its purpose, but it wasnt malicious. dampness from rain is a reminder that you are powerless, a refreshing insight to the frantic unfair tennis match of ideas being volleyed in your thoughts

waiting out the storm really does work

"you will always go back to feeling happy"

my spirits are lifted back to being level

and would you look at that!

the sun is out again

that fine summer eve

oh, that fine summer eve!

the one that prompted my dream

of a love so deep i was worried id be ruined

but ive chilled out in the past week

another new tattoo on your tiny body

how long until we get one together?

your hair is always up in a bun

but you let it down for me

and let me watch you come out of the shower

on that fine summer eve

uncontrollable anxiety on 6/28-6/29

its kinda like walking on eggshells in the dark- it doesnt matter if the room is lit because your eyes are sealed shut, its just too scary to witness what you know is in there with you. the room might be pristine, no cracks or crunches, but without warning the door of the only exit is thrust into your fucking face with full force and is immediately yanked back shut. delirious, you fall in defeat and the once whole shells are now smithereens below you. completely irreversible. who the fuck designed doors to open inwards?

then theres the numb before the pain like when you stub your toe. a moment of clarity before the inevitable. not even clarity, but the realization that youre about to feel pretty terrible. moving becomes hard because you arent confident in any of your actions, but you move your right hand over your heart in a few, staggered actions to feel if its okay because for some reason youre still scared of having a heart attack. your resting heart rate is normal, obviously, your hand should be over your head you fucking dummy, you know this. panic is weird when its in your head. your chemicals dance around in a terribly beautiful way. youve always wanted to feel something other than sober reality and now your wish has been granted to the point that you cant control it- but bro i havent taken psychedelics in damn near two years after the first time i realized that your hand can feel fire and your elbows can explode like fireworks and felt that acidic lightning bolt that coarses through your veins :(

unconsenting words from the strangers you serve are atom bombs of fears that are lobbed into your ears, you wanna weep but find no tears and you wonder when it will end, wading slowly towards your friends to try and get your mind off your mind but theres nothing here to find to pull you out from swamp in your head- we know were not suicidal but it sounds kinda nice to be dead, hyperaware of all the stares and scares you perceive are there is just too fucking much for me man

anxiety is a word youre comfortable enough with now- well if you remember correctly, you actually use the word anxious 100% of the time because anxiety has a stigma and gets thrown around a lot. but when your partner used the word paranoid you were overcome with uncontrollable discomfort and thought for a second you were seriously about to jump out of the drivers seat waiting for this fucking red arrow to turn green. has a traffic light ever taken longer? not to you at least. its a little too vulnerable for me to have the trap door be a mere word from someone just trying to help

today, the 30th, was actually pretty good. maybe the therapist will prescribe me something and yeah it might suck because youve always been proud to have no allergies but then again you can still have no allergies if you need a little help with your mental health. i talked to myself yesterday in between my double, holding my head instead of my heart, loving it and feeling sorry for it simultaneously. i still dont know if im whole or if im multiple but were all here regardless and going through this together. i love you, i love me, i love us, whatever the hell "i" really am. we can work together and ill work on myself. thats us and thats love. love yourself like you tell others to love others and see yourself the way others see you and be as confident and happy as we all know we can be

6/26/19

i met slug back in 2010

when i was 14

not long after i unfollowed him on twitter

because the things he shared were discomforting for me

a hero of mine, but at the time, just in music

my first love, we hugged, but i didnt like to stew shit

so i ran and hid

in the moderate masses

that looked like me

trying to get them to stop on my glasses

back when i ate the products of animals

and sang bad words

and was too caught up being nice

and other acts i now deem wrong

6/19/19, day after a*****s bday

you stare at me to see if im okay

but i recognize this and brush you off with a light smile

and continue to put on my clothes from the dirty hardwood

bike home, all alone, dont text you later because i hate my phone

and i just dont wanna talk to you

i need time from my girl

because she isnt my girl

and you cant exactly share what you dont own

but it still feels like sharing. just a little bit

i wonder what you think of my emotions

in your shoes, id guess i was uncomfortable with all of this

but hindsight is 20/20 and you only wear a size 6

youre selfish, but thats what makes you my role model

youve never been happier, but i feel myself drifting

i guess ill be your slingshot, youre my homie after all

pull us back tight to propel us up and forward

you get the freedom, and i get the fall

peaks and valleys

dirty alleys

im grateful for the days that im too depressed to feel anxious

being numb is better than mental discomfort

sitting at my desk

on a sunny afternoon

watching people do shit

from videos on youtube

nollie heel down a 10 stair

piano covers of my favorite tunes

cinefix top 10 fill in the blank

stuck in my chair with the depression glue

i dont have autoplay on so before i scroll to my next few minutes of free entertainment im faced with my own desires to feel motivated to do something- anything- thats creative and provides me with an outlet of expression- but that distant motivation becomes a bigger fallacy with every passing day spent in this faux leather rolling chair

i guess ive been reading again

and im kind of learning spanish a little more

and i masturbate a lot

but im still trapped in my room even tho theres no lock on my door

(my landlord wont allow it)

biking, drawing, photography,

spanish, skating, piano

vegan butter is finite

spread too thin, i know i know

regardless!

today is a happy day :) because youre alive and youre well

every minute you spend living is a victory to tell

your have your wits about you and youre writing this right now

a life alive is a life alive, it does not matter how

a day in bed is still a win

no need to compare your life to theirs

and if you dont amount to what you hope

a happy eternity waits up there

you know when you end up saying something youre proud that you said because it aligns with your morals and values but you know youre just digging yourself into a deeper and deeper hole, a hole that will indefinitely grow bigger with each letter you utter but you still dont know how far down you wanna be buried

every uttered letter will only dig you deeper

another foot needed to reach her

can you really feel closer to someone the further apart you become?

youre on your own

but were all alone

like the emotion you feed most from

weeping the rest of my days away

in the midst of decay

and careless days

honestly seems ideal

movies, music, meaningful conversations

and the way they let me feel

is a state of pure comfort

one thats really hard to achieve when youre pestered with living in the real world

if i could pick just one emotion- or i guess it really is more of a state of being since you can get there by feeling a shit ton of different emotions- it would be that choked up stage of connecting to a character, the one you project onto yourself and vice versa, when the race is over and their existence of being your feel vehicle has broken the finish line. spaceships only need their rockets to get passed gravity. then theyre there, moving with direction but floating by their lonesome

crying is hard unless im watching a film

again i enter this period of depression

or, more accurately, admit to myself the feelings of sadness

you can feel it- in the streets

on a day that beats the heat- it feel like summer

life is a bummer

an utter bummer

its okay to feel sad in the winter but

summers here, theres nothing to look forward to now

youre here

im the dopest person i know but i look at myself how i would from a strangers point of view

when im alone, i wither, my actions are few

i cant live with this duality and im the only one who can change it obviously but i doubt i ever will and thats the most depressing part of all this shit

im jealous of my partner in our open relationship not because she gets hit on by my homies but because i dont have as much game as her

she told me recently that shes the happiest shes ever been

shes finally happy to be alive. direct quote. and i couldnt be happier-

for her. im envious though because i feel like a piece of shit for betraying myself every single day

all i wanna do is fuck

and fuck and fuck and fuck and be fucked and make love to nameless persons who i can confess my deepest desires to, i wear my heart on my sleeve and i want to show that before we undress each other and eat our love and lick the feelings of passion and living- im my happiest in that connection. i want to finish inside every soul i find pleasant to view, with smiles on our faces and no children to worry about for decades to cum. transparently merging, sharing thoughts and genitalia, hung up in my perch of AC and full sized bed from ikea thats so comfortable to lay on. i want to be sober and only fucked up by the feelings of bliss that cum with love making- you dont ever need to be in love to love fuck but im in love with anyone who will give me the time of day and proceed to remove their watch so i can caress their tan lined and freckled wrist with all the delicacy i have in my being and cry into their breasts and let them cry into mine. tears and lube, i will never wash my sheets, if only to remember the moments that ive shared on this ikea bed. hours spent changing positions and changing topics of conversation and falling asleep to the rain outside and the cool summer breeze turned into icy air forcing us to retreat to the covers and radiate our body heat for us to reap the benefits. sun will rise with my sleeping partner leaving for the day as we both find new ones to experience. because this is all that we wanted and we got it and now we have a tick mark next to our respective, insignificant names which we use in the outside world that are the most needless aspect of our past actions

its so difficult to break boundaries

i couldnt live with myself if i ever made someone uncomfortable with my actions and the intent to be passionate

a people pleaser stuck in a selfish soul

i guess it isnt so bad. ive made it 22 years without killing myself, i can make it the rest of my days. more important than anything is to make the world a good place for all. altruism bitch, thats my bread and vegan butter

i just wish to Universe that altruism and excessive love fucking can overlap

revisited a few weeks later

i left a vivid dream to enter the calm greyish blue that filled my room. it was nearly 10 but the storm outside is providing us protection from the sun today, they must have known that im a little burnt. naked under the bedspread, and hiding from the punchy AC, we intertwined. the purgatory of only being half awake rendered us children to our elements and the mashing of genitals only added to this sentiment- two children trying everything to become one, squirming to satisfy every urge, until one wants to be inside the other and the other wants the same- this is the closest it gets. caught in between what they experience externally and internally they are together forever in this very instance. horny but not sexual, lovey but not personal, sleepy but not for their own dreams anymore.

5/13/19

i let tears to fall down my cheeks this morning

allowing myself to give in to something

and feel vulnerable enough to squeeze the water out

while my elbows exploded from the inside

the act being a bizarre sort of tie to reality

a necessary rope to keep me tethered

instead of letting the projections of my vision dissolve into a pool of color

and have me sink into my thoughts

fully disassociated from all that i know

a scared little boy with a mustache

more uncertain of his surroundings

and mysterious and physical internal feelings

with each event in his life

the more he gains from the world, the deeper he sinks

always uncomfortable, unable to cut the act even while totally isolated

not scared of death, yet mortified of losing his mind

knows hes probably just being dramatic...but terrified he isnt taking it seriously enough

time will tell i guess

---

the world is so uncertain to the point where i find myself petrified

i believe in free will, but im concerned that there will come a moment where i fully lose control of of my actions, my voice, and my thoughts...although ive never quite had control of the latter, have i?

allowing the universe to fully possess me and display the wrath with which their randomness can cause

i could explode at my partner like a wild animal

i could take this knife and kill at least one person

i could steer my bike over the rail of this bridge

each scenario permanently altering the course of someone else's life- likely many lives

tilting their direction, even if just ever so slightly, into a new and unexplored path

maybe thats why i waste so much time being numb

i get excited over many things, but i havent had motivation for anything in quite some time

is this all a sign of defeat?

giving in to the uncertainty?

i hope i can make something of myself someday

in a manner of control, clarity, and confidence

5/7/19

life isnt formulaic.

i never thought id be vegan or cut my own hair or be in an open relationship or have tattoos or want to learn spanish so bad or be content (happy!) working in a restaurant after college or not want kids...

i finished my last day of classes yesterday and this morning ive already read for pleasure and started trying to begin a more serious journey of learning spanish. im happy, i didnt know how much school being over would actually impact me but damn, i hope this stays.

i want to be motivated and selfish in order to be inspiring and selfless. i really dont know if i want children. in the shower today was the first time i ever really considered how the future would be. and to be honest it seems freeing.

its weird how the older i get, the less i have my in my life- at least in terms of aspects of life that seem expected, like a "given" in the future- no animal products, no "career", maybe no kids. im so determined to break these molds for my own benefit sure but more than anything to inspire others to do the fucking same.

thats the main thought process right now. run that shit back! LIFE ISNT FORMULAIC!

ive been lowkey worried that i was just trying to convince myself it was just school holding me back from feeling these emotions of motivation and inspiration (when there may be something bigger than that), but today i feel that i could have been right the whole time. fuck do i feel good. i finally surprise myself for the best and at the most crucial moment to date ♡

ps- happy birthday carl

4/17/19 (after watching 50/50 and listening to jukebox joints on repeat)

id be sad if my friends had cancer but i dont know if id be sad if i had cancer.

do movies make me feel so much because im feeling for the characters or because it makes me think just of my own life? its almost certainly for my own life. is that empathy? is that the case for everyone?

sometimes i wish something tragic would happen to me just so i had "validity" for my thoughts about certain things, like people would listen to what i said.

i really do want to live life spreading as much thought as i can.

would my life change if i was dying? i mean, would my actions change?

i love my mom more than anyone and i think thats because i can actually feel how much she loves me. the same goes for my dad and my brother but my mom comes to mind first.

im so caught up with being convinced that all ill ever knows is what i know. just being self reliant and reclusive. isnt it weird that i want to talk to people SO much then? and give what ive got and learn from others in return so i can use that in whatever it is that i say next to whoever it may be?

would i rather die instantly or slowly? honestly probably slowly. then i could think more and give more before i go.

when i die i just want my loved ones to get together and listen to a playlist of songs that i put together that are the most meaningful songs i know. thatll be my will lol.

i think movies are like therapy to me. and writing. perfect combo tonight then i guess.

there isnt anything better than crying. tears down the face crying.

im so angry with people sometimes and im glad i am (angry for progress) but im also glad that i know at the end of the day we all die anyway and will go back to whatever it is that we were born from.

i have such an incredibly large amount of people that have impacted my life so heavily. so many people i love and care so deeply for. i hope we can all meet up when were dead.

this was a happy journal, no matter how it sounds in the future ☻ actually more grateful than happy- but still.

4/11/19

writing because i feel a little overwhelmed.

life is crazy man! i cant believe the amount of changes ive been going thru lately. some "good", some 'bad", but that doesnt even matter because theyre still changes. theyre still things that alter your life and that you have to experience whether you like it or not. like rico nasty said, you either keep going or you dont. the world doesnt stop, you cant stop either. you just gotta learn how to navigate and im convinced youll never fully learn but you can definitely get better at it ☻

its crazy too how were all just emotion- you cant not feel something that you dont want to, but you can try and work with it. i think im also nervous for my date tonight with amber lmao thats definitely adding to my emotions. and getting 10 different texts today and yesterday about coming into work! oh well thats all over now. im excited for tonight ♡

3/25/19

day 1 gratitude journal for holistic health and healing class.

im so grateful for a*****. more specifically, im so grateful that she pushes me to be my own person, like, within our relationship. im grateful that were open to an open relationship. it makes me feel adventurous and free and even more love for her.

im extremely grateful for hook club. both the people that its brought into my life and the pride that it still brings me. i started such a simple thing yet its had a bigger impact on me than maybe any other thing that ive done.

im incredibly grateful for travis scott. never have i ever felt so much from listening to an artist. he makes me wallow in whatever emotion im feeling. his music is therapy.

im very grateful for my bike. its one of my best friends and something i use pretty much daily. it gives me transportation, freedom, enjoyment, and pride. i love the fact that ive had it for so long and will continue to for a long time to come.

im also grateful for my bed. its very soft, just the right size and so comfortable. it makes me feel safe and able to truly relax. i like the fact that i dont use it for things like homework or watching netflix so i associate these particular feelings with it even more.

12/7/18

ive been so unbelievably bitter lately. lately as in the past year or some shit like that.

today i woke up 2 hours late for my parking shift because i was drinking last night. for no reason. again.

perhaps the biggest joke ive ever told myself is that im not susceptible to certain things. i feel so much superiority over people yet, although not really hypocritical directly, i fall into the same traps of feeding off my impulses and fucking things up for future me. i just dont acknowledge them! its pathetic. theres nothing wrong with me, but lets be honest. im bitter without justification.

i spend so much of my days thinking about what i "need" to do. and then i do nothing. a really pointless and sad protest. i know its depression related too but still.

my takeaway from today is that i want to "try" and do better. i dont need to do anything, i dont need to do anything ever! i mean fuck sake theres not one single thing that i literally need to do.

im going to try and take things slower and think about what will be best for me instead of giving in immediately to my inhibitions.

i really do love myself. im going to try and bridge this gap of internal disconnection.

thoughts after masturbating, 12/4/2018

im always looking forward to the next

when will i be satisfied?

certainly not until im dead

thats about the only thing im sure of

so why then do i wait?

when i know that i could leave at this very moment

falling farther away from loved ones

and loved things

what cant we understand?

whos watching us?

struggling to survive

who gave us the curse of consciousness?

what are we to learn?

from watching brothers die

from watching surface level beings destroy our home

how dense do you have to be to not think of these things?

i take everything i love at face value

they cant mean anything in the grand scheme of things

i see no possibility in us living anything but an individual existence

will i be happier when im alone?

when i dont have to worry about money?

or making others happy

or making myself happy

life is a cruel joke isnt it

no matter what we will return to when we die

weve all been put through the worst

of a life here on earth

i dont rap shit just to rap

---

all yall do is rap and try to flex

whatever, go head do it, im too busy havin-

conversations with my ex

in my head about why i moved on to the next

while destroying hearts

i know they played their part

but i moved on so quick

towards the end id been depart-

ed

for a while

since i already gained what i could

i know its selfish but it isnt it understood

that in this life we take what we can

and make what we can

of ourselves in the best way we can

even if it means hurting those who held our hand?

through this pointless fuckin existence

i havent had these thoughts in a minute

but i missed this

because sadness is seductive, shes the only one who makes you grow

and doesnt give you a show

of cheap entertainment that distracts from the low

low low

emotions that are force fed day in and day out

even if you dont give them thought

we all feel depressed- how could we not?

feelings cant be bought

and love cant be won

days come and go with the sun

i cant even front

i cant even get out of my room

11/27/18

a*****s brother just indirectly called me unmotivated with a low work ethic and it may be the best things thats ever happened to me.

granted this is a couple hours after it happened and being very upset and insulted. not upset anymore, just feel awake. and still highkey insulted though.

but

net positive baby.

11/15/18

when did i become so angry?

maybe i always have been. suppressing feelings might have always just been a skill of mine. just like that pillow silent screeching shake thing i still sometimes do.

i feel like ive never been so irritable with the world around me and simultaneously so trapped and negative in my own head. even writing this just seems forced.

i have no idea where to go from here and its kind of scary. i keep waiting for things to get better but they dont. i want some way to let these feelings out but i cant seem to find one. i want to scream and cry but i cant because i always have something i should be doing.

i guess i was angry earlier and now im just depressed. i dont wanna write anymore.

10/10/18

i get overwhelmed so easily. and when i do, i shut down. its to my own demise. instead of getting rid of all the shit im taking in when i get overwhelmed, i soak it in and stuff it the fuck down. cliche, but too damn true.

i know i need to talk more about what im feeling when i feel it, but its hard. i know it works. when i sit down and spill what i have to spill, when i allow myself to weep, i feel infinitely better. but how dod i get there when i need to? when its necessary, im never in the mood.

i get overwhelmed when im trying to do something (ANYTHING) and people keep talking to me. i need to respond, so i dont hurt feelings, but in turn i hurt myself. i prolong shit i dont need to prolong and take away focused energy that i need to put into my task.

homework overwhelms me. im only taking 12 credits this semester and i still feel like im fucking drowning. the end is in sight but its torture to get there

is my mental health declining? why am i more prone to this than i used to be? is it life? is it normal? it doesnt even matter if it is, i dont fucking like it. and i know i dont want to keep this up.

maybe i should see a therapist, or just someone to talk to that doesnt know me or anyone else in my life. who knows if i ever will.

i guess in the indefinite meantime this helps.

10/9/18

list of things i love, vol. 2

•darkroom photography

•molly

•skating

•minimalist living

•film cameras (different enough [than photography] to be their own things)

•poetry

•music (duh...i guess specifically music that makes me feel)

•plants/flowers

•warm beams of sunlight

•"lost generation" literature

•stickers/pins/patches that define parts of me

•biking (my surly straggler)

•looking forward to events

•memories/nostalgia

•the sky (clouds especially)

honorable mentions

•anything aesthetically pleasing

•relationships/connecting to anyone

•beer

•animal t-shirts/all sweaters/sweatshirts

•thunderstorms at night when im inside

•quentin tarantino, wes anderson, stan kubrick

•CREATING

•anticipated album releases

•being my own person

10/7/18

had one of the best nights ever with my pops on friday night (10/5).

he took us out to the bachelor farmer downtown, had a cocktail, split a bottle of wine, had a great fuckin appetizer and entree, and then took it downstairs for another cocktail. he balled the fuck out on me!

we hung out for ~5 hours and just talked the whole time. probably opened up the most we ever had with each other before- just cause we had the time.

most importantly, when i was telling him about how i dont wanna go into the education grad program, he got it. he was on my side immediately. he even mentioned that he always thought that he couldnt see me being a teacher for my whole life- maybe for a few years he said, but he said he thought id be/feel limited. and i completely agreed when id never even realized that before.

it was probably the most intimate session weve ever had.

the rest of the details reside with the night itself.

just didnt want to forget the outline of this occasion.

♡

10/4/18 (11:30 PM)

i should open up a camera shop. complete with a darkroom. for kids who might not otherwise be exposed to photography. after i win the lottery.

or before.

10/2/18

are we not all just constantly putting on airs?

we kid ourselves daily. to the point where we end up kidding ourselves when were alone, in the comfortable solitude of isolation.

im going to school to be a teacher when i dont even know if thats what i want to do. still. after 3+ years of doing this to myself.

i worry about money on a daily basis when i have nothing to worry about. im worried about the money i spent on drugs when drugs are the only thing that brings me happiness.

why think so much?!

what am i living for if all i do is worry? a psyche full of to-do lists is a damn shame.

i lie to myself when im alone because of what i think life should be like. thats not a life worth living. why do i care what i should and shouldnt do when my instincts tell me what i want?

societal norms make me uncomfortable with my own desires. fuck society. my mind, my body, my soul are the only things i know. and i betray them for something i think i should be doing.

why dont i write anymore? or take photographs of things that i want to? because im not "supposed" to. because i have homework. because i need to wake up early.

i make half-ass attempts to do other shit but when thats the case i use cheap entertainment to numb out the life im sitting in.

MAKE SOMETHING OF YOURSELF.

i wait for the weekend but weekends are even less satisfying.

another weekend out of my life. the same mind-numbing shit no matter where you go. alcohol. drugs. not venturing outside of the group you came with. talking to strangers is weird so just get as fucked up as you can and throw up out the uber window that youre taking home by yourself again. at least you wont remember the details. but you always remember the feeling. and thats more important than anything isnt it?

lemme just win the lottery already so i can get fucked up in peace. no job, no friends, no stress.

i dont want to kill myself but im excited to die. i want answers. i want something different.

if i dont get that...maybe i will kill myself just for the heck of it. what does it matter anyway?

the funny thing is, im happy right now. like really happy, the happiest ive been all week! happy can be morbid, cant it? i guess i also drank a little and took a line but whos keeping track? just me. as usual.

how did i find out just within the past year and a half that creating shit is the most precious piece of life imaginable? getting thoughts out of your imaginary mind and on to something physical. now that i think about it, that kinda goes against what ive been saying though...

right now im thinking about my darkroom class and listening to the doors. jim morrison killed himself didnt he? or died somehow. 27 club. i think. either way he speaks to me. i wanna take the psychedelics im sitting on and paint a california cave pink too...but i have to teach kids tomorrow morning...

if i do become a teacher ill be fired after my first year, guaranteed. that is, if i show my true colors. and choose to disregard what i "should" be doing.

thing is, i love kids. more than anything. theyre real. like, too real. too real for society to comprehend. when a kid says something "cute", its usually the realest shit youll ever hear, guaranteed.

i feel like the kid from catcher in the rye right now, just rambling. holden caulfield, thats his name. maybe thats why i love that book so much. thank you JD salinger.

arent we all just alone with our thoughts? utterly alone. i love my girlfriend more than anything else in the world that we know but at the end of the day, were two minds that will never be able to merge. we get alone better than anyone and we spend most moments together and shes beautiful and quiet and smells miraculous and soft, but were still alone in our separate bodies. we all are. thats okay. lets just be real.

i have so much left that i want to do still. i pray to the universe that ill do it. im happy right now. i hope this cigarette never ends.