Twenty-five years old

9/18/22

oh, my friend, please know how much i care for you.

be receptive of my love, ive grown to know that it may be expressed in unorthodox ways and im not sure how to help that. there is too much to think about without adding how to figure that out on to the to do list. i simply dont feel the desire to.

when you ask me how im doing and i lead my answer with ive been spending a lot of time by myself  i hope that you can feel how necessary it is for me. it is for me to say its not you, its me while i shake you at the shoulders with my love and inability to speak my mind sometimes. i am distant and i am cold, my face out of sight behind my shoulder, i pivot away from your eye contact like a nightmare. and im sorry, i really truly am. but i must be alone now.

my friend, if i had one of you to dump all of my feelings on to, if i had that comfortability, you would no longer be my friend in my head you would be my therapist and i dont need to transition one of you into that role i need to find an unbiased party. rather soon i might add. my friend, i keep you at arms length because i love you, my love does not leave me, its ever present, i think about you more than you must realize, but i can't see you now. my friend, i just dont hang out with people like that, im sorry. i love you, im sorry.

my friend, i think ive made too many of you. yes, it was true, not very long ago i promised to be a better friend to all of you, you've been on my mind for quite some time now, the idea that my reciprocity is lacking, it nibbles at me from time to time. it makes me feel bad. and i think that its accurate, but what i realized is that i simply cannot be the friend i want to be to the lot of you, i must put myself above all others and be alone for most of my time to make me feel the best and that is not a possibility while trying to please you all with the friendship you deserve. i lack, i cannot pick favorites, so i bow out to all of you.

i have made too many of you. my genuine self makes friends and is lovable but when the we should hang outs come i backpedal and wish i was less likable. but no i dont because that would go against how i wish to interact with the world every moment of my whole life. i am being too serious about this i know but this is how i feel and how i feel is all i know. i have thrown out too many life preservers and i do not have the strength to reel them in. my friend, im sorry you must realize sometime soon that i am not who you thought i was. i am no better than the next.

my friend, please dont text me. i love you, but its too much. how can i ask a person to give me space when we are not that close to begin with? i am only close with myself, myself and my cats and yes my roommate as well, they know me better than anybody. they are my best and most cherished friend and i ride with them thru it all, but we understand this feeling mutually. we are forever alone, not in the rage comics way, but the locking eyes with mortality and understanding its nature way.

my friend, im having a birthday party, would you come? its not actually a party, we are going to be hanging out during the day. no, not at my house this time, at the park where we all met before. yes i will bring some beers. no, im sorry, there will be no complimentary coke or molly this time, you can bring them if you'd like but i dont think id like any. no, during the day, not at night, i cant be up too late. it'll actually be on sunday, im working friday and saturdays, i didn't tell you? right, im sorry. that's amazing, i will see you there, ill let you know when we arrive. i love you too. i love you too, i really do. thank you, youre one of my best friends ill ever have. i cherish you. thank you, i love you too.

9/15/22

as the days tack on i continue to bump into my own mortality, each day more frequently than the last.

it seems he is inescapable and in the past i begged for this to not be true because i viewed him as a reaper, he was ugly and brilliant and mysterious and enticing enough that i did not trust my own brain to be safe when subject to his deceptions...i feared i would follow him to my physical end, at the hands of the world i exist within or, more likely i thought, at the hands of myself because of what he would make me do. this was the reason i viewed him to be so powerful, i was convinced that he would make me do something that sober me would never be sinister enough to even come up with as an innocent thought. it seemed as tho following his trail, or more precisely not leaping away from the path i was on when i realized it was actually his and not my own, would guarantee my demise. i did not want that, i am a human being and i want to survive and be happy and live a life in pursuit of my own happyness and he represented the opposite of this.

or so i thought. lately, when i am minding my business and i remember him and his existence is validated and i look over my shoulder to feel him breathing on me, i say hello friend. i do not cower in silence anymore, i do not run for the hills without ever looking back, my only hope being to start a new life with a new name and new look in a new place with new strangers, living in a state of fear and panic and projection of destruction onto my own self until it inevitably happens again. when i look at him now i see that he is frothing and snarling, yes, but it is not aimed at me. we hold eye contact with each other when we are nose to nose but as i orbit my head around his growling he has the most impersonal thousand yard stare. he is not fixated on me as i once thought and as i realize this he stops his noises and he is silent with me. now we are staring at each other as my face moves around his own and he communicates to me without words that yes, we are bound, but this bind is not evil.

am i scared of death? no. am i scared of my own death? certainly. but do i believe that this is irreconcilable, a truth that i must hold and live with as something inherently more powerful than myself? absolutely not, in fact i believe that the more days i tack on the closer i advance towards this full acceptance that i long for. the day that i wake up and breathe a deep breath and say okay. i am comfortable with my mortality will be the first day of the rest of my life and i believe that day to be near.

i welcome the reminders of the limits in my existence as they come, the dread is dissipating and my vision becomes clearer, i will continue to say yes, this is true and i acknowledge it and keep going about my normal day in my normal life as i do all the things that i do.

9/14/22

the man said that we will all be dead soon and the mentee thought wow, he's right and then he stopped caring about the negative things he was focused on.

"to be alive is only to be alive, there are many more things that i can do but there is nothing else that i must do, as long as i wake up in the morning and sometimes the afternoon i am doing it right. to be alive is to exist in the only time that there ever was, is, or will be which is the present, nothing else aside from the present exists, it is always this and this is always true. this is not a revelation as much as it is someone shaking another person by the shoulders and kindly yelling in their face that this is the case."

9/12/22

what's this? what's this?! there's magic in the air!

could it be the new glasses? could it be the back-to-bleached-and-short-hair? could it be the air in my lungs that was absent for 6 years? i am a runner again, i am a smoker no more, i am following my heart in my decision making and i am elated, i feel as if i am literally walking on air, i feel taller, more giddy, i am slithery and sexual, i glide and i smile, i am evolving once again.

i decided this fall that i would change with the season. this time involves a lot of change in tangible ways and physicals behaviors, but my hope is that the more seasons i weather, the change can be a mindset, a slight shift or progression with a change from seasons past. as i have been aware for a very long time i treat my existence and my identities and my behaviors as absolute, as the darkest black and the lightest white, #000000 & #FFFFFF, but this is no way to live because it is not realistic, nor is it reasonable or fair to myself, my beautiful brain and my beautiful body, i suffer because i believe i must be this or that and only this or that forever. something in my life changes and i think to myself this is my life now. this is not a joke, its a very serious matter that i have only discovered to be as detrimental as it really is only recently. so to be fair to myself i am now welcoming change, encouraging it alongside the earths changes, my mother and my teacher and my home.

at first i was scared. i felt the bubble in my chest and my hand was back to checking my heart rate. but it was normal and constant and when i thought about how it was that i was feeling wrong it was clear that there was nothing there. not even my old friend dread was with me. the sensation was familiar but i could see out of my eyes and take in the physical world i live in instead of the internal scaries clouding my vision and controlling my movements and thoughts. i have a choice now, i thought. have i always had a choice? i paid the thought no mind and i simply acted and i was filled with glee and i lived in ecstasy even tho it was a little scary still because it was new to me and therefore uncertain but i trusted my intuition because that is my oldest friend and the one who has never led me astray and i felt wonderful. i erased the to do list from my whiteboard as i completed my tasks for a clear mind and clear day and i feel fulfilled. i feel motivated and fulfilled.

i welcome the coming season and my change alongside with it even tho this period piece is titled the eternal virgo season.

9/6/22

i am gliding thru midwest, america, the most beautiful place on earth, where the fields feel as endless as the sea and the wind moves the grass like velvet and the dancing stalks of corn and sunflowers bob like whitecaps in the ocean. the best part about seeing this with my eyes is remembering that this happens all of the time and it has for centuries, it will happen if i am here and it will happen if i am not.

we drive like frogger around the semi trucks and watch the homes pass by that are three hundred yards from the interstate, surrounded by their moat of corn and wheat, the fences are made of wood and barbed wire but there is an odd welcoming quality about them, perhaps it is how worn and ineffective they must actually be or more likely i think its my romanticization of something i find beautiful.

big broccoli bush trees line shallow wading streams and i think of huck finn tho i have never read huck finn. the little valleys that the running water creates seem to make a perfect and natural backrest and i would like nothing more than to lounge in the stillness of midwest, america with the water as my soundtrack and a strand of wheat in my mouth and nothing more except for the sunlight and breeze. there are pathways created in the crop fields for farmers to ride their machinery and it winds and is beautiful and curved so as to go against the rigid right angles of urban planning and i think that even in this endless ocean of green, where you could go in any direction and be correct, there are still visible guides that will shoot you out where you are meant to go to see a new pretty thing.

the lone trees are more special than the herds of trees because they exist surrounded by grass that is yellow and green and brown and you are made to focus on the glistening of leaves against the sun and in the wind because of the juxtaposition of something so big and unique against a backdrop of something so engulfing and ordinary. but one is not prettier than the other because they are equal in their beauty, the only difference is the brains focus.

im reminded of being a child driving with my mother and brother to small town, south dakota and wanting to get older to purchase a pickup truck and line the bed with blankets and pillows so i could come back to midwest, america and pull into a lot at night with a person that i loved in the moment and to stare at the sky with the stars and be mesmerized and romantic. then i am reminded of trying to draw a replica of a photograph that showed crop fields from a birds eye view during a color blending unit in an intro to drawing class i had a few years ago and how difficult it was to get all of the different shades and hues of greens and yellows and browns and eventually giving into the perfection of mother nature and settling for an inaccurate representation, a footnote above my drawing bowing down to the universe and her perfection.

i see cows as small as postage stamps below the magnificently large wind turbines we drive thru in kansas. there are so many colors of them i am in awe as i drive and i have to gently drift back into my lane and remain alert altho i wish i could bob with the current and simply observe. some of them are beneath the shade of a lone tree and some of them walk in a b line towards an unknown destination and some of them follow the leader. the turbines move silently and slowly yet to propel such a massive object is knowingly a very big feat and i respect its power as i watch them.

the darkness is a blanket and only the cenex sign obscures our night vision so we walk away from it in order to get our eyes adjusted and see as many stars as we can. there is jerry the cowboy and there is allen...the cowboy. we walk and talk about aliens and the unquestionable truth of them. ghosts also live in unquestionable truth alongside us living humans on planet earth and we are not so sure about the sasquatch or prehistoric sized birds but we acknowledge our ignorance and remain open to their truth, at the very least we refuse to let the skeptics live in their world of sureness and believe in them if only just to spite them. i see our long shadows, each with 3 different axises, bobbing along the gravel road as we kick up dirt behind us and walk further into the all consuming darkness in front of us. it would be scary if i were alone but i am not so i am content and also in a state of wonder. i veer off course so i gently adjust back into my lane like before but this time i am just on my feet. i guess i wander when i am observing and thinking. i think about kitties and horses and aliens and ghosts and family and friends and all the things we know and all the things we do not. surely we will never know even a single percentage compared to the things we do not know for there is an infinite amount of these things and even all that we do know...none of that is certain. we are not skeptics and we are not sure. i am laying in my bed and i am watching a bbc food show and i am so calm and so happy just to be here in kansas with my brother and my father and on a bed under the stars. i turn to face the wall in my air conditioned room and i think about my kitties and my best friend and my girlfriend and how excited i am to see them all when i am back. i look forward to all the things i want to do when i am back but first on the docket is just looking forward to tomorrow so i count my blessings and say my peace and i close my eyes in search of nice dreams and a good nights rest and i am calm.

9/4/22

it is now my goal to be content with what i have.

there is a certain realm of being that i find sometimes where every idea is golden and my feelings are stable, it is as tho the clock has stopped ticking and all i hear instead is the sound of the cicadas outside the window and the wind blowing thru the neighbors windchime, i am laid on my purple couch and i notice the sun coming into the living room in a magnificent way and the area which i am in becomes more beautiful than any youtube video or movie i have or could ever watch because i am seeing it with my own eyes, in real time, in front of me and around me and with me.

my possessions which live with me in my home are no longer mine and i have granted them autonomy even tho it was never my right to grant them anyway, they did not come from me and they are not attached to me in any way except for my brains compartmentalization of them and how i subconsciously view their object permanence. they do not have a brain or a heartbeat but they are just there now, on their own, and that is a happy thing. not even the clothes on my back and my bottom are mine anymore and i appreciate them for the protection and warmth that they provide me with but they are not important to me now. if it wasnt this sweatshirt it would be another. and if it wasnt a sweatshirt at all it would be a blanket, or a coat, or a towel, or a robe. these things which are mine are not mine at all, i only have one thing and that is me, myself, my body.

i relate this mindset to the things which i put into my body, any substance that stimulates or slows me, and i realize quickly that i have valued these things much too highly, i could not, for the longest time, just be. by myself or with other people, i would always feel the urge to change my state of being. one because i felt that it was the cool thing to do but then it became fun and then it became to curb my body's reaction to the absence of the excess of whatever it was that i was shoving down my throat, gurgling and gagging on the foreign objects, i felt like a monster. now i really just want to be content with my body and my breath.

its cool, nice, and beneficial to make or purchase things but its all unnecessary. of course i am only talking about the things which are not necessary to remain alive. even writing words down is unnecessary and i find myself often only wishing to stay in this moment of gold where time as ive become familiar with it has morphed into the eternal state of being, the elusive present has presented itself to me again and i am humbled. ive found you again i tell the god which surrounds me in a loving embrace without hands or arms, its gaze averted to the universe instead of focused on me or the earth that i sit on.

there i am in the mirror, i am face to face with the reflection of myself and the sweat and water pours off of my body and head and onto the rug that my father gifted me when he moved out of his house, i am shirtless with hair on my chest and stubble on my chin, my eyes are a beautiful green-blue and my glasses are off but i see myself with 20/20 vision because i am so close.

i am heaving with each breath and my chest hair rises and falls with the expansion of my lungs and i think about how much i am able to feel in this moment, i am relaxed after exerting myself, it is a different relaxed than after an orgasm but it is similar in a way and i find it fascinating. i am sober and i want to be sober forever and feel this feeling which can only be achieved fully when there is nothing else in the way.

as i stare at myself and breathe my breaths i can only think that there is nothing else to life than just being alive.

9/1/22

today i am content, i drink my coffee and i run, i exercise and i talk to my girlfriend, i play with my kitties and chat with my bestie, i go to work and i have a nice time.

there are no more cigarettes in my life because i want to breathe deep again, i grabbed the plastic pouch of tobacco by the bottom and i opened it up with my free hand and i turned it over and watched the strands fall like flakes into the bin and i felt nothing. i let go of the pouch and it landed on the mound of brown and i took my foot off the lever that opens the lid and when it closed i walked away like nothing happened. it was like i witnessed a death and felt nothing except the air in my lungs which i hope are not too black yet.

it is virgo season and i am thriving because of that. i am becoming a better person each day as my patience with myself is tested. i am looking towards the self discipline that i know that i have so much of and i am letting it shine again and for that i am doing the best job that i can be doing. the volleying of ideas in my head is decreasing as my brain settles into full formation and i am approaching my metamorphosis and when i emerge i will be the superhero that ive always wanted to be.

8/24/22

and all he wanted to be was normal and when i heard him say that it was the saddest thing ive ever heard. when i look at him i see a person who is shy and unfamiliar with the ability to freely express themselves without fear of being retaliated against so when anything happens, be it extreme or neutral, his reactions are the same. it is a defense mechanism and it ensures the greatest level of safety and for that i have the greatest empathy. then i saw him cry and not say anything for a minute as he tried to hold back his tears as best as he could and when each tear fell he would wipe it away quickly like windshield wipers trying to pretend that it isn't raining and he wasn't exactly hiding them but you could tell that this was abnormal for him and i wondered how many times he'd cried to himself. his lips quivered and his chin scrunched up into a fleshy bulge of skin and i was there crying with him and it was the saddest thing ive ever seen. he walks with a hunch and he's a big boy and his hands are stuffed into the pockets of his very ordinary jeans and he looks out of place but in a way that someone who just wants to be normal would look even when it makes them stand out a little bit more because it feels a little unnatural. he just wants to blend in. he doesn't know how to hug and he remains stiff with opened eyes and responds yeah when his mother and grandmother tell him that they love him. he says i can write every letter in the alphabet as a plea to make it seem like his lack of an education isn't as bad as he knows it is. my heart aches for this boy, i am in shambles for someone i will never know and i cant even entertain the idea that there are millions more of these boys and it is actually not just an idea but it is reality and i know this. his mother took him to a small pond near their trailer and there were swans swimming in the lake and they watched them and the son said its very pretty here and she said yes, you can come here whenever you want to find peace and i hoped in that moment that he would hold on to this sentiment and find sanctuaries throughout his life when he needed them. he reminds me of psycho pete when he meets back up with the gang in always sunny and i wonder how can life be just when some people are crushed by evil outside of their own control and misconceptions around them when they are just a person who is trying everything they can to be normal and to show others that they are just a person in a very passive way and that they are just doing what's best by and for themselves. the freedom to be a person. people can be so cruel that it makes me sick and want to vomit but these cruelties usually stem from something that was wrong in their own lives and i keep going back and following the string in the dark and i tug and it gives and i tug again and it gives again but i cant find the end of it and i am led to believe that there is no end and then my knees hurt in the joints and they give out and i crumple like a rag doll and i dont have any expression on my face because i dont know how to express anything anymore and i feel so much but nobody could tell from looking at me because i appear as a blank slate and i think about how little i know about anything and i feel submissive and fearful and like it would be best if i just floated and bobbed and let the current guide me because im not so sure that i have much power in determining any outcomes that will ultimately affect me so im not sure that trying will lead me to anything positive and neutrality towards everything is better than hoping and being let down. to be alive is to guarantee pain and even tho i know pain is not eternal i would like to lessen it as much as possible...i am getting carried away and i know it, i just wanted to write this down because i was moved so much by a boy who was deemed emotionless and hopeless and i only wanted to reach thru the tv screen and offer him a hug, that is all

8/22/22

i am one man of many many people

i am self aware and i experience many things that many people also experience even when i feel alone in my feelings

i am self critical and that is usually a bad thing

sometimes i say fuck it and i abandon and reject my self criticalness which leads me to self indulge and when it catches up with me i am self critical again and the cycle repeats. it is not a good one

i am calm and still and i embrace the silence and i feel my heart beating in my body and the blood pumping all throughout me and i am in wonder of myself

i have aches and pains and bumps and my body is always morphing somehow and i think that something is wrong but it usually isnt, i just have a body and that is part of what it means

i am tempted and i am stubborn and i am balanced and imperfect just like everybody else

i smile when i hear kids outside my window playing

i am filled with love and adoration when i look at my kitties and my heart swells and bursts and pops when they rub up against me or talk with me or lay on my body and we breathe and relax together

for some reason i need lots of self affirmations, like this one, in my life right now, they make me feel stable and safe

the things i want most all the time are safety and to feel calm and content and to feel my deep breaths and my pumping heart, steady and rhythmic

i want to influence people the way i am influenced by them

i tire of people quickly but i want to express that it isnt personal

i admire from afar, i am a fly on the wall of the bar, i am behind the bar providing people with the elixir of life, i grease their machinery and they become loose with each other and i hear things that are not meant for anyone else to hear but i am respectful and keep them to myself and pretend like i dont hear, i give them the floor to be private in public because everybody else is also in their own private room even when they are touching elbows with a stranger, i make money to be a little bit of an eavesdropper and sometimes it can be a little bit perverse without having to go out of my way to peep into other peoples lives. i am a fly on the wall of the bar and i when i get caught peeping thru the tiny hole in the wall the people smile at me and beckon me to join in instead of finding out how to get to me to beat me up. i am a friendly face to them and im a good boy and i keep the secrets that i am told to keep. i dont ask to know about peoples lives but they tell me anyway and for that i am honored and i find it to be an extraordinary thing that i am trusted for no reason other than my quiet nature and soft face with a tiny smile and maybe my glasses are also disarming but i am also always honest even in my nonsequiturs or filler responses so as not to be rude

i find people i know deeply and new strangers in my life to be embarrassingly similar and entirely unique viewed from different angles

i am realizing that my body can never be perfect and i can never function fully sufficiently and just because something isnt perfect does not mean death or decay or destruction or de de de anything

i can have some vices without having all of them

i wonder where i will go

8/19/22

i believe in many things and near the very top of the list is that it is a foolish thing to think that i am unique. to pretend that my experience is alone and special, unreachable and impossible for other people, alive in the same age and perpetually under the same circumstances as i am, to also relate to is naive and it is silly and it is wrong. i do myself a favor when i humble myself and recontextualize my position in being alive around all the other beautiful people i am alive around. it would be a harmful thing if i were to feel misery and not acknowledge the company i was in and i have done it many times before: boo hoo, woe is me, surely nobody could feel as miserable as this because it is already unbearable. all i know is what i feel but my feelings do not only belong to me. i run thru fields and smile and i pass thru many different pockets of energy throughout my day and they are not mine, they belong to all of us, we share them together and we are united in that way. we are from the same thing

random notes, last modified 8/14/22, probably started about 3/4 of a year before

I want to live everyday as if it’s my last, but that usually leads me to desperation- desperation to complete as much as I can before I’m gone, all of the small thoughts in my head must come out. But my final moments would not have been spent living then, they would have been spent in a blind rush, a panic. But you see when I am living indefinitely I love that panic, I wish I could spark a lighter under me whenever I desired in order to induce that kind of work ethic. I need to complete this in order to ensure that I would have lived a calm and peaceful final moment. Who wouldn’t want an experience like that?

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8am is a relief because it means that my cycle of sleeping, dreaming, waking up, readjusting, and repeating is finally over. Another day to go about without having to experience this until 

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Aw man, here we go again

My head is hot and I feel disoriented

I have entered the morning. And it isn’t a joyous thing

I have my work cut out for me today so I stiffen up my shoulders and hunker down. No smiling yet. No talking yet

If I don’t do this right in the morning I might as well call this day a failure

Hop back in bed and wait for the sun to come back up

But this is the new method because I don’t want to leave it up to chance which days I can participate in

Stretch

And breathe

That’s all I need

As soon as my door is open my cats swarm the room and start being curious about everything again even tho they know the nooks and crannies in this home like no human ever will

They are adorable but they trigger a sense of anxiety when this happens on these mornings

Like I have no control

Because I do have no control. You knew this tho

Just because my thoughts might be my enemies first thing in the morning does not mean that my mind is my enemy

My mind is like a child, it’s honest and curious, it does not stop its process because something may be taboo or completely out of line

It wanders because it can. That’s what it’s there for. Who am I if not a thinker? A curious child

Writing is a good addition to stretching and breathing

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The keyboard clacks tell me that you can get your thoughts out as easily as you breathe and I smile because I feel the same way when I’m sitting at my desk. I wonder what you’re typing but what I do know is that whatever it is it’s coming across as uniquely as your voice would if you were to be saying this out loud instead of typing it out. I came over to go to sleep but I’m wide awake now that I’m in your presence after you woke me up while I was halfway to my dreams asking if I wanted to come over and be sleepy here instead. I smiled and said yes, I would love to and I was going to ask if you would want me to as well but before I could you said you would love that too and I smiled even bigger than I already was. What’s funny tho is just before you called me and made my ringtone pull me back into the reality of midnight I was sad and thinking about how I need to reassess my feelings towards you because I like you so much that I’m sure that it’s love and it’s making me sad because I can’t go this slow without feeling incomplete. I recognize it isn’t slow objectively but based on what I want I feel like it is. I don’t want anything I could even write down but I know that I want something more with you and all of my 11:11 wishes have been about you and when we make them together I hope that yours are about me too and I feel like they are because we hold hands and close our eyes but then I just wonder why it isn’t moving faster. Well I don’t exactly wonder because I feel like I understand where you’re coming from but I think I just wish it was moving along in a more specific way. I beat myself up sometimes but … … …

It’s morning now and I read this back and think that I was overly sad and drunk, I need to remember that I need to live my own life instead of creating such a large space for someone to influence my happiness, especially at the beginning because we don’t owe each other anything like that. Nobody owes anybody anything unless it’s a parent to a child or unless the people involved have talked about it and neither of these things apply to me and you, C*******. Not yet. But I hope the second one will happen someday soon. I’m sure that I do love you, that part is true, but we are going at a pace that is reasonable and I am just fine with it and whenever it is that I want more I will tell you if it hasn’t already been discussed. If you were to ask me if I love you I would say yes very confidently and calmly but I don’t think I want to tell you anytime soon because I feel like it’ll be better if I wait. I’m not the best at waiting but I want to be better

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I am remembering that all I ever need in any situation is just myself. As long as I have my body which I always do that is enough. I don’t want to keep analyzing my actions so intensely and thinking about things after they’ve happened. Or before. I want to be alive in the present and be comfortable and calm and smiley. I must remember that drugs and alcohol produce bad outcomes the next day if I do too much of it. It’s okay that it happens but I want to hold myself gently when it does. I think I do, I know I do. I want to lead by example for only myself. Take care of my body. The feeling that I “need” things to become a different state is something that I don’t like. My friends are all so beautiful and great and I love when they meet each other and enjoy each other. There are very few things I love more than that. I am surrounded by the prettiest energy constantly, I am remembering that just as I always and consistently allow my friends to lean on me I can lean on them when I need to and trust that they will hold me. It’s a trust fall i have the highest confidence in. 

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instead of being envious when you cross paths with another biker with the wind at their bike while you are biking into it, be happy for them that they are getting a break, support even, from the windy weather. The weather has no friends and it has no enemies. It isn’t trying to deter you and it isn’t trying to help you either. It switches directions when the circumstances call for it to. Just as the biker you see in front of you is being helped by the wind at their back, you will feel that soon or you have already felt it during your ride. In the same sense the other biker has already faced the wind head on or they will soon. You are the same, be happy for having a common interest and for being in each other’s company

8/11/22

she sat with him and stroked his hair for more than 10 minutes. he was growing it out for the first time in 5 years and it was a weird thing for both of them to feel individual strands of hair on his head, malleable and brown, but both of them enjoyed it very much. the buzz cut he had worn for the last half decade was bleached and colored and cut many times each year and to see the natural hair persisting on, realizing that this stretch would be given a chance, some time in the sun, it was a little magical. it was as if a barren field of ash and dirt and the absence of life was suddenly budding and blooming and noisy again. it felt like a miracle even tho it was very ordinary. her fingers went slow and deliberate across his scalp. his hair was greasy but she liked that because that is how hair should be. she leaned over and kissed his head and he made a noise of pleasure and exhalation and sunk down to lay his head on her lap. when he got down he turned over for one second and kissed each one of her thighs. he loved her legs because they were smooth with hair still on them and they were muscular, much more defined than his own, and he liked his legs a lot too. he turned back over so they could look at each other while she stroked his hair for more than 10 minutes. they were underneath a weeping willow and he looked up into her eyes and the long strands of hair from the tree moved slowly and freely in the summer wind behind her head and he imagined that she was the tree and her buzzed head had grown the most beautiful locks hed ever seen in just a moments time. he felt the magical feeling again. she looked down at him saw the uncut grass as his backdrop and she moved her slow hand from his growing hair to the growing grass and she did this many times until it felt seamless and as tho he was an extension of the earth she was sat upon. magic. they both turned to the south when they heard the wail of a lone loon flying very high and quickly across the sky. thats a loon, he said, and he said it with a childlike glee that can only be produced when an innocent excitement is given to you as an unlikely surprise. she heard him and she heard the loon and she watched with silence and admiration as the beautiful bird covered the entire length of the lake in under a minute. it wailed all the way across and the echoes that only a loon could leave behind hung around them. they sat looking to the north for a noticeable amount of time after the loon had disappeared over the treeline, continuing his journey to join his kind away from the city. i wonder why he was here. she replied what an honor to have seen him. the magic was everywhere this night and it was a lovely thing to acknowledge it to each other

8/10/22

i went to the doctor for the first time in 8 years and she thanked me for being so healthy. i thought how silly i was for thinking something was wrong with me. i thought about all the times i thought id be the first person to just keel over and die while i was walking out of the hospital and i smiled a smile and looked up at the sky with no clouds and i felt the sun and it was warm and lovely. the breeze guided me to my car and i drove to a bookstore with the windows down and my left hand extended out to grab as much of the goodness i felt around me as i could carry. i sang along to the music in my car and pocketed the goodness to look at later and remind myself that nothing is wrong with me, in fact i am of the least concern, i have a pulse of 61, my powerful and enormous heart pumps me full of blood and Love just slightly more than 1 time per 1 second, my blood pressure is 115 over 71 which i dont understand anything about except that it is good, i will not be the first person to just keel over and die and my brain believes it because i have confirmation now from a real life doctor who shook my hand and thanked me and we talked like friends because there wasnt anything bad to talk about. i wake up with an ease that was absent for a long time, vanished for some reason and in some place that i could not reach or even find. it returned to me and when i noticed that it was present again i said hello and it turned to face me and gave me a quick nod of recognition and faced ahead again as if it was sitting back down at its desk in the office after a bathroom break and nothing more. i feel each day the desire to pursue my own happyness and i am calm at the thought of it. i fall from my bed each morning into stretches and yoga positions to loosen up for all the goodness that the new perfect summer days have to present to me and everybody else who was granted the fortune of waking up to another day to feel Love and happyness. i take my coffee warm and black and aromatic as i twiddle my thumbs and decide what it is that i want to do today, i write them all down in a list and then i go out and i do them. i go on runs again to give myself a full body sweat and feel the pleasure and privilege of using my body that i forgot about for so long in such a way. i put things in my body and i do things to my body that are vices but i dont blame them for all of my troubles anymore; this was a lesson i learned before but a lesson i forgot about. it will be one of the most important lessons of my long and healthy life when i am old and tired and reflecting on all that ive learned and known and felt. i am all that i feel, it is all that i know, i am nothing without my feelings because i am nothing except my feelings. i pursue happyness each day and i am happy with my slow life of reflection and monotony and solitude and expressions to my computer and ipad.

8/5/22

oh Love, where are you? why can i not see you Love? why is it that when i seek for you and feign a possession by you you are still not there? Love is god and god is the universe so then it makes sense that i reach for you and despite it all i must end whatever point i am making on the positive, the hopeful, the premise that you are still there when i cannot feel you. i am no different than the mourning mother justifying the death of her son as a plan by god, by the universe, by Love. i do things right and then suddenly i feel as tho i am doing them wrong and there is no warning or reason why. i want to be old so i dont have to do anything and can die without it seeming like i quit. i still care so much about how i am perceived. sometimes and in some ways. i am so wonderful, i am so beautiful, i am my best person, so then why do i still cry for you Love? give me the reason why i cry so many times a day because everything strikes a chord with me? why am i so sensitive to the boring and ordinary? do i want to live alone in the woods on the mountain because i want to run away from it all? do i want to leave my superpowers behind? when will i discover the absence of bitterness, of judgement, of anger, of irritation, of Fear? Fear, yes with a capital F now too because i think that i made a mistake in not giving it the respect it deserves. Fear is the mind killer and just like dune ive recently created my own spiel to recite when i am feeling its presence. tell me Love why you abandon me when Fear never leaves my side? am i selfish to even be blaming you? i would never blame my mother and here i am doing just that. when will i gain the courage and the reconciliation with my siblings to walk out my door and be alive instead of closing my windows to be scared and curled up in the dark on my bed in the middle of the night when all things are still and silent except the fireworks and screaming gibberish from those who sleep when the sun rises? when will i discover the S on my chest? i am becoming less selfish, i am making remarkable changes in me for the betterment of myself for myself and for all around me, even tho i am secluding myself once again, forgive me friends for i have locked myself in my home on the second story, i will talk to you from my big balcony in the sun and next to the tree where my old shoes hang but you cannot come in, there will be no coffee for you or warm welcome, instead i will bow out of the conversation and leave you alone outside. for the time being i am to be secluded. its good for the both of us. there will be no birthday gathering this year, no park sesh into house party full of all those i love, i dont think i can handle it this year. i hope you will understand. i hope to emerge a butterfly, i hope my stained comforter is a snug cocoon

i have entered another dark period but the depressed and anxious feelings are closer to baseline and less sporadic, i have a tighter grip on the horns. i am okay because i will emerge a better self. this i know to be true but it is hard to believe when i am alone in the dark, when nothing anybody but myself can sometimes say to make me feel a little less dreadful. i am taking the right steps. i release my tightly held breath and my tummy contracts from its long expansion and i sink into a lifeless stance and i am calm

7/31/22

this is it. this is being alive, i told myself as i felt scared again. i calmed down a little bit. i havent had it happen to me in a while but this week has been full of the existential scaries i used to feel regularly, it has been full of the dissociative moments at random times where i stop my actions dead in their tracks and view myself from an outside perspective. i am sam losco when he goes up to make his speech for trailer park supervisor but is rendered dumb by the mushrooms and he looks off into nobodys eyes, just the empty space that he is also taking up, and quietly says this is fucked up...that is how i feel so often. i realize that is the sadness talking but i cant deny how true that is. i feel it so often. but i dont want to, i would rather remember that this is it, this is being alive, it is not a bad thing to think these things and in fact it can be beneficial for me think this way. a gust of wind is winding around impossible corners and rushes straight to me, it has a mind of its own because it is not concerned with anything other than reaching me as quickly as possible, it is as tho it is a scary monster and we, the audience, are getting a pov of the moment our main character will be met with his doom, but doom it does not bring, when it reaches me i look over my shoulder just before impact and in the movie this is where i would scream and the screen fades to black before the credits roll but i am met with life instead of the end, the wind rushes into my open mouth and provides my lungs and blood cells with maximum oxygen and i am new, rejuvenated and fresh with the deepest breaths ive ever taken. this is it, this is being alive. i used to feel like those i loved would look at me the way maggie looks at bart, homer, and lisa when she is choosing between the simpsons and the flanders families, sitting in a swamp with flies and darkness around them, smiling still, yes, but all signs pointing to caution and avoidance. but i dont feel that way anymore. if i am to be looked at that way then it is out of my control and i will accept it as it is, i will bow to the reality and leave to continue minding my business and pursuing my own happyness. my happyness is my own and only my own. i feel a nice acceptance after this week of uncertainty and fear and my 11:11 wish is to continue this acceptance in a healthy way, to remember it and keep it in my pocket to pull it out and look at whenever i may need it

7/29/22

it took me the first 7 hours of the day to shake the gloopy black glob that leeches onto my heart and drains me of the love, but shake it i did. it felt perpetual as normal but todays trick was to lay down in bed again, motivated honestly as an act of defeat, for it was the moment that i decided to take another nap and pretend the few hours i had until work did not have to happen, i could sit by the campfire and press x to rest and i would wake up and it would be dark outside and time for me to leave. my kitty jumped into bed with me and i rested but i did not sleep, i felt the creeping and mysterious onset of dreams fast approaching but i shooed them away before they took control and sat up in bed as if i had really just woken up for the first time today, as if earlier this morning and all the time until now had been a fluke. i felt good and i feel good now having showered and changed my clothes. but i reflect on this day that just happened, the day that is still happening, and i am confused, i feel sad and i would be dishonest if i did not include that i feel a little frightened. i feel the sadness living thru me in the gloopy black glob and today i feel is the first time in years that i do not have outside forces, my inhibitions, substances ive put in my body and actions ive done to my body, to blame for it. today i woke up with enough sleep and i was not hungover and i could breathe deeply. but i did not want to get out of bed. i did not do most of the things i wanted to get done today and i moped around my house for 7 hours and felt confused and sad and frightened. when i turned 25 i felt as tho i would live forever, like i had gotten rid of my fear of dying, i was sméagol when he had separated from gollum and stitched his psyche back together living only in his own company again. but as i approach 26 i am wandering back into what feels like the dark days, the cloudy and damp and scary territory, the place where i do not know what awaits around each corner so i avoid moving until i have to and when i have to i am mortified...and when i am met with nothing around the corner i have just turned the damage the fear causes me is almost worse than if i were actually greeted by the disgusting trash monster, the man from the dream behind the diner in mullholland drive, because at least he could take me away from my misery. i would be shocked at first and scared but a jump scare lasts less than a few seconds, i know i would quickly regain composure and think wow, okay, my time is really here. im ready to be done feeling the fear. thank you for being my guide. and i would walk briskly behind the monster and he would be surprised at my willingness to go to which i would laugh a real life laugh and touch his shoulder and say buddy, anything is better than the way i was living!

i feel a little bit broken. not all the way, but i feel like there is a crack inside of me, on a very important part. i think it would be my brain (as i typed the word brain the song i'm listening to said the word brain and i feel like i am becoming less and less surprised each time the universe talks to me. i find it comforting and a good sign instead of a bad omen) my heart only grows stronger but my brain feels fragile very often. i dont know what to do when i feel broken and i feel broken a lot. i need some help but help is hard when i struggle to put words to my feelings. every conversation that shines the spotlight on this is an uphill battle with a losing army and i retreat to my lonesome again. i like my lonesome, i need my lonesome, more than i even realized before, but im not so sure that it is always the best thing for me.

7/28/22

you woke me up at what i guessed to be about 4 in the morning. i can't sleep and i feel sad. ive been sad for a long time. i feel like i cant do anything. the shapes your lips morphed in and out of were familiar to me because i had heard these words from you before. you must really be feeling it right now, i thought to myself and i became sad and alert. i felt like i was half asleep but i told you the same words ive said to you before and i put all of my 4am energy into them because it still seems as tho you dont believe me when i tell them to you. i dont blame you for this but i wish you would trust that im putting all the truth i have into these words for you. im too messy for a relationship. im doing you a disservice. do you want a relationship? i asked you the question ive been wanting to ask you for weeks. i dont know. i tell you that i want a relationship and i want a relationship with you. i ask you to think about this question while you're away for the week and when i ask this of you i encourage you not to base the decision on anything other than what you want and we leave it at that and we go back to sleep

we are sitting inside waiting for our food and i look at my phone to see that there is only 15 minutes until your greyhound leaves. the lady calls my name to hand me our breakfast but when i ask where the bagel is she exclaims oh shoot! it'll take 12 seconds and those 12 seconds turned into 3 minutes and 10 minutes later, before i have time to eat my own food, i get a call from you saying that you missed the bus. i am just down the street because i did not leave after i dropped you off because i knew there was a possibility of this happening. do you think we can make it to st. paul by 11? its 10:34 and i reply yes in less than 5 seconds. you walk slowly to my car and i think to myself that you should be walking faster if we want to make this bus but i see that you are sad and i become sad too. you get in the car with a frown and the beginnings of tears in your eyes and i dont say much but i place my hand on your leg and send love from my hand into your body and hope that you can feel some of it

when we get closer to the station you put your right hand in mine and raise your left arm and rest it on my seat, your left hand stroking my short hair, just like you always do. i was anxious because i was trying to drive fast and i became surrounded by metal semi trucks but your hand made me feel calm and we looked at each other and we smiled. as we are driving thru the second downtown of the day you say its such a beautiful day. i wish we could just hang out. i tell you that i do too and i mean it very much. we arrive at the station with 5 minutes to spare and i tell you to text me or call me when youre on or off the bus. it feels nice to give you a second goodbye and i say bye baby and you are gone inside the building. i pull 50 feet away and park to eat my sandwich and i get a text from you saying that you are on the bus. i feel a relieving breath and i finish my breakfast that was made nearly an hour earlier

i arrive in the park that i took prom pictures at all those years ago and i find the biggest tree in the middle of a very large field of grass and i lay on my back and stretch as tall as i can. i am looking up at the tree and the leaves shimmer in the breeze and sunlight and i feel perfect. it feels like a fall day in july and i am thinking of you. i pull out my phone to tell you this and i see that you texted me that you really appreciate me. i tell you i really appreciate you too and send you a video of the tree and then i am back to laying down and staring up. i think about the ways in which i love you and i hope so much that you want to keep our relationship alive. i close my eyes to focus on feeling and i am hugged by the breeze and calmed by the sound of the leaves moving in it

7/21/22

mother, my creator, grant me courage

i need it so desperately

if this day should be my last, allow me to expel the fear that i have forever existed alongside

my most desired gift is to know what life would feel like without it

if only for a blink

forgive me for all the days i was weak

i know there were many

my siblings, i owe you my life

for it is yours to begin with for giving me breath when i had my own knocked out of me

it was the fear that did it

it always is

take my life away from me just as you have provided me with it

7/17/22

i tilt my head up and my eyes move as far upwards as they can, i am staring at the ceiling and i say thank you to those that are watching over me, helping me every so often. i feel humility for sometimes forgetting about them but i feel gratitude for knowing that they are always there, my team is always with me, even when i do not remember that they are. it makes me feel like i am on a playing field, i am being watched from behind a screen by some higher powers, like squid game but not in a orgiastic and nihilistic way, more like a test of will with the audience cheering me on and feeling my emotions (for that is why i exist) instead of betting on my downfall.

i am coming back down, back to normalcy, and that is what i want. i do not want to continue to elevate and become less and less stable and sure of myself, i have had enough for the day and i am ready to come back down. i am at my best when i am light on my feet but those feet planted on the soft earth beneath me. i am coming back down i am breathing deep i am driving my car sober as a baby, i am smiling because i made the right decisions tonight and i will not be sad at myself tomorrow morning

my tinkering with things that are not perfect in my eyes: my glasses and how they sit on my face, my bike brakes and their tension in my cables, my drinks and the intricacies in which i measure each ingredient into the shaker tin, i am slow and i am deliberate, i love this about myself and my steady pace and attention to detail, it calls to my deep appreciation for being alive and when others move fast i am still slow and steady because i do not know how to be fast. it is based on what i think should be done in the way it should be done. but the but here is that this general cloud that hangs over me, plagues me with its downpour, seeps into my relationships and my tinkering with objects becomes tinkering with people and their actions in my relationships with them, it is inherently possessive and unreasonable, in fact it goes against my morals, but the cloud has no bias. the cloud doesn't care. that drizzling part of my brain will not stop a rain because it is a person with a heartbeat and brain of their own, it doesn't know nor care. i eventually say hey you do this thing that i dont like and it has taken me too long to realize that i am steering a persons actions into what i deem right, only me, the most selfish man on earth. at least that's how i feel sometimes. i am baffled at my immaturity sometimes. but that is just what growth is, i have my integrity and i am accountable for all that i do. i cannot let a person be their own person entirely because if i am intimate with somebody then i need for them to know everything about me and i need to exist as a teammate to them and them to me, we must be on the same page all the time. i get embarrassed at things they do, i get upset at things they do, i get sad at things they do. things that are just a part of being alive, things that dont even affect me. what does this say about my attachment issues? surely i have many of them. my happiness is not and never will be anyone else's responsibility. it is my own, only mine, forever and ever that will be true, people can influence it but to have this indescribably important thing of mine riding entirely on their actions which i do not explicitly control...my friend, that is self sabotage for myself and for the relationship, in the end, every time. i recognize this tho and that is the difference. i am working on changing that. i have wanted to say this for a few days and i have put it off because this is the finalization of this thought, the writing down of it. it is real and recognized in my brain now and only now can i fully begin to shed that aspect of myself, my old self. i am always becoming my old self and that is a great thing because that means i am also always becoming a better version of myself, a more advanced version. i am upgrading, i am evolving. whos that pokémon?! i fill in my shadow every morning and i am always new

7/15/22

i do not have to become anything. i am doing well at being alive because i keep waking up, that is how i felt this morning at 11:30. i will continue to do what i want to do and that is it and i will fulfill all that the universe expects from me: to live, to continue to be alive, and to follow what it is that my individual desires lead me to do. i will keep drinking coffee, i will keep drinking liquor, i will keep smoking cigarettes and spliffs, i will keep masturbating, i will keep spending time thinking by myself in my room and staring out windows and not reaching out to people for a while but then all of a sudden reaching out to everyone, there is no wrong or right so i will keep and keep and keep without feeling guilt and shame as tho i am suffocating myself. i once was suffocating because of these things but i haven't been in that same place in years. my brain tricks me into thinking that it's the same when it isn't. i have a good head on my shoulders but the brain plays tricks and makes me feel like i am broken. the brain is sporadic in its good and bad moments and its hard to grab them by their horns but the universe knows that i've tried and for that i am doing well. i am acutely aware of all that works and does not work for me and i continue to excel in my life and move towards a better and happier life for me and my heart and my brain. i do not have to become anything, i am pissing on that expectation, dick swinging as i dance on that antiquated and soul sucking fucking parasite, i spit on you you ugly motherfucker

im just thinking now that so much of what i write down is kind of just like affirmations. they are my daily affirmations and they become true when i see them written on this electronic paper in this pretty font, the words functions as spells from a witch's book, i put them down in a specific order that feels right, led only by my intuition, and sure enough there is an energy that comes to life that was not there before, or at least was not focused in the way i just focused it to be- i feel as tho i am wrangling together all these bits and pieces of floating and random energy, pulling their strings, conducting a quick and beautiful symphony, and when i am finished i have created a very small and extremely dense ball of a new color, a new emotion, a new magic potion to share with people- i have given substance and direction to a chaotic pool of many varieties, the vibration of this dense ball impacts me without me even knowing it, it seeps into my skin and moves my emotions around gently and before i know it i am feeling or doing something new. i am finally able to orbit this dense ball of magic, i have made myself mobile because of something i created, i am feeding myself gasoline without realizing that was the function all along and why i continue to feel the need to do so, i am in orbit and i am floating and dancing in outer space in a very graceful and sustainable manner, not too close to crash and burn but not far enough away to not feel this powerful source of gravity for what it is- that is until i travel away to a new planet

7/14/22

he extends his neck and looks to the stars in the sky and lets out a cry that asks where are you? a moment of silence follows and then a sound in the distance answers him: im over here. it is dark and they are blind but they play their game of marco polo under the moon and they slowly become closer and closer, at last, once again, for good this time. there are many others in this area but they are stationary and cannot see the two of them moving but they hear their howls and think that they are beautiful. they cant be certain whats going on but they know that it is fueled by love and nothing else. from the first cry everybody knew that they were seeing pink

7/9/22

the older i get the more i understand the phrase its not you its me and the desire to spare someone's feelings, but the older i get the more i think about how little i know about anything. i am the most confused boy in the world, i've been confused my entire life and i know now that it is perpetual, that is one of the things that i do know. i dont know how to feel about anything and that makes me feel like im being pulled in many different directions at once because i think well yes this but also this and this is also true and wow this person said something i've never considered before and its also as true as the other things i was considering and then it reaches a point of malfunction in my haywired brain, the steam comes out of my ears and my face turns to a frown and my power button is turned off but before i lower my head and the glow i typically emit slowly fades into nothing i shed one tear because there is so much human emotion in my robot body and with every fiber of my being i must show that i still care even if the pulling produces a net zero gain of movement in any one direction, that one tear is my hail mary, my final and ultimate attempt at showing you all that ive still cared so deeply about all that i hear, too deeply i think because i dont know how to filter any thoughts into my head to make them into actions, everything is equal thru my two eyes because it is all a part of the natural chaos of being alive, being a human inside of a robot body. i think i was a faulty creation. and maybe i am a coward. i want to leave everything and everyone behind, i know i could survive on my own, i dont mean skill wise, i would have to learn a lot, but i mean without anybody else in companionship. i am my own best company and if i got lonely i would just talk to my brain. i could sit in the soft grass and look up into the shimmering leaves of the birchwood trees, see the sun peaking thru them with every movement and kissing my hard, naked, sweaty and happy body, i could sit there as long as i wanted, listening to the finches and blue jays make their happy sounds and in the mornings i would hear the morning doves making their cooing sound and feel happy myself, at night i would hear the loons calling to each other and calling to me because i would certainly be near water in my lonesome dream of voluntary solitary escape and i would feel even happier. loons are my dads favorite animal and they are one of mine too. i dont know how to feel about anything but i do know how i feel about these things.

7/8/22

we sit face to face, we are blinking at each other but not saying anything. you wink at me and i love you more than i did a second ago. i lean in close to you and i feel your breath on my skin and the tension between our faces. our noses touch and i shake my head very slowly to rub them against each other and show you that i love you. i drop my head down slightly and i move forward on your right, my left, and now we are rubbing cheeks and there is a comfort in this because we dont need to look at each other anymore, it is only about the feeling and we can look however we want to. the love takes the reigns and i enter the state of being where i am only feeling, i have no other senses and we are one thing, i am exploring the magic that is the two of us, existing for a moment as one, our cheeks rub against each other and they keep going, i switch sides and i think about how im glad that i shaved today so you get a smooth surface instead of sandpaper. we rub and we rub and we rub and our noses touch again and then we lean in even closer than before and our lips touch and our eyes are on fire which makes our legs move and hands explore all over each other too. i am exploding with love, you provide me with it, i will owe you forever and all i have to offer is my own love, i hope that its enough

7/6/22

mercy kill myself in the morning

as soon as i wake from the snoring

its not because life is too boring

no, its because of the turmoil and dread

i haven't the strength to continue

i will leave it up to the rest of you

i am entering my eternal snooze

im too weak for the thoughts in my head

7/5/22

where do we go from here and what is to be done?

i find no value treating life as a race that's to be won

i found clarity in realizing that there are no finish lines

that growth is just morphing while moving thru time

i will never be "done" so i have nothing to complete

i am throwing in the towel, im refusing to compete

...

she walked by and saw the door was widely ajar, allowing her a view into the backyard. the windows opened and closed on their own in a slightly frantic but not yet overwhelming way and the house dweller told her that the man had come inside without permission

7/1/22

the more time i move thru the deeper an understanding i seem to gain on my life, my perspective of it and my place among all the other lives, human and nonhuman, past, present, and future. its an extraordinarily complex thing and something that i often, always, can only think so hard on before i "give up" on it, only for the moment, but the exhaustion weighs too heavy on me to continue to think. and think i do, i know the simple, most basic action, inaction really, of thinking is the one thing i know i will always find myself coming back to. if i have lost it all i know i have not lost my thinking. no body nor thing can strip me of my thoughts. in that same realm i must try to make peace with them right? i believe i am kind with myself but too many of my thoughts focus on my behavior in this real life world we are all familiar with, its where we interact with one another and find meaning for ourselves. i am too far gone in the future, far too often. but i believe myself to be practicing the balance of my thoughts, finding the middle ground, the grey area, and i feel with each thought i am honing in on becoming a more authentic version of myself, at least how i know myself to be. i think maybe to be more specific i am becoming more comfortable with the way in which i interact with the world because i believe it to be a more genuine expression of the part of me which no one else could possibly know because they are not me, but that is the part i want to express the most, that is all i have, these are my thoughts and my feelings, my most precious belongings, the only things i do not need pockets for yet carry with me wherever it is that i find myself. when i lay in my bed for the first hour of my day and stare thru the blinds at the clouds rolling across the pretty summer sky i am content because i know that my inaction of solely thinking is making me a better version of myself. i do not view this as a chore and i do not view this as a necessity but its an action i find myself doing everyday because it feels right to. but see here i am glorifying and feeling gratitude for this aspect of myself when i actually started typing this out because i wanted to express the view that i have had a lot lately which is that i think i need to become more disciplined with these moments in order to really make them as beneficial as possible. for nobody other than myself. this is only for myself until i am comfortable to move forward and express my inner findings and then they become public domain and i will feast on other peoples public domain and become inspired beyond words and overstimulated and horny for life and then i will repeat the process. but first of all, it is for myself. i struggle with finding the grey area even tho i know that is where my content exists. but its all grey, isn't it? there's no such thing as a black or a white, at least not that we as humans could ever conceive of. my bedroom daydreaming to start my mornings is the non serious and the meditation, stretching, breathing, as a practice, a continued and consistent one, is the serious. and my ultimate view on life is that it is simultaneously and perpetually the most serious thing we will ever know, the only thing we will ever know, therefore irrefutably the most serious and unable to be topped, while also being not serious at all. like we have evolved over millions of years from our ape ancestors or to go back all the way, billions and billions of years from the big bang, the stardust shit- what in the fuck does my 25 years so far mean to that? its nothing. its less than nothing. if i died today in the most random way i wouldn't care about any of this anymore because i would be dead. or maybe i would a little bit, i can't be certain of anything, but certainly it wouldn't be my entire existence. ironic, extremely ironic. it feels to me like existential dialectics. the thoughts volley over the net in my head all the time and all the time and all the time, but they go at a constant pace and they look like the very first version of pong on the atari. its calming. most of the time it is, it can feel like serena williams intensity sometimes but most of the time it is atari levels. despite all of this, the reason i felt drawn to my ipad now to type something out was because i think i would like to try practicing some things again. it may not be everyday, in fact i dont think it should or else i will feel like a failure if i miss even one day out of one thousand, and that is just self sabotage my friend. im trying to get over self sabotaging acts. i believe that some level of continued and at least somewhat consistent practice would allow me to go further with my thoughts and not divert me to "giving up" on them as quickly as i do, even if they are not objectively quick, i only mean that they are not as deep as id like to dive. i also firmly believe and feel that the very first thing i need to tackle is the stupid fucking thoughts i have about my everyday behaviors: do i drink too much? do i smoke too much? do i masturbate too much? do i talk too much? do i fail too much? am i embarrassing myself? does anybody care? how long will i be alive? what if i died today, what if i guaranteed to myself that i was going to die today, i have that power within me dont i? it is always a spiral and it is such a waste of time i can't help but laugh thinking about it now. this is it, this is what i need to do, what i have told myself many times before in different ways, sometimes explicitly but usually not: i will live my life on a day by day basis, i will do what i want to do as long as it does not cause any amount of harm to another life, i will remember that sometimes unpleasant and avoidable things happen because of overindulgence but i will also give myself the credit i so desperately deserve and need in curbing these less desirable outcomes because i have so much evidence of me doing this already. i just want to live and learn and stumble upon and unearth, i want to spend so much time alone and so much time with others. anxiety is avoidable sometimes. i am not a broken person. i am a beautiful baby boy with a heart of pure love and i trust myself with all of my being and i am unique in many ways but i am also embarrassingly similar to everyone else alive and that is a terrific thing. a friend and i just had a discussion the other day about values and i am going to list them out for myself now

these are my most cherished values: transparency. understanding. empathy. contemplation. patience. appreciation. love. expression. desire. presence. these are the first 10 i thought of, this took about 3 minutes

6/26/22

the sprinklers across the street emerge from their homes in the ground and start spitting at each other all at once, in one constant hum, and i know it must be 3am. im sitting in my camping chair up on my balcony with a great middle of the night view. the wind picks up and the trees start talking to each other too, their leaves shake and shimmer against the streetlights and their hum is rolled up into the hum of the sprinklers and now the sound is louder and as i become more aware of it it takes up so much of my sensory awareness that it becomes the background noise, the new normal, and i begin to start thinking about other things. i blow the smoke from my lungs and i am buzzing while sitting still. i close my eyes and i feel myself merging with the hum and it feels meditative. my body is tired and i haven't been able to sit down for many hours so i feel extra grateful for this moment. two boys start laughing with each other as one of them jogs thru the sprinkler spit and the other initially tries to avoid the water, tiptoeing an invisible hopscotch course, but realizes its not possible and joins his friend in the jogging and giggling. i think to myself i would have given in too and it makes me happy and content to see a person realize you can only do so much before giving into the inevitable. its only water. its as simple as that, its only water. sometimes it isnt as simple as that but oftentimes it is. some things require planning, plotting, adapting, intention, dadadadada, but many things do not.

6/24/22

am i not still wonderful if one person doesn't think that i am?

is it my insecurities that make me feel defensive when i am not even being attacked?

should i believe more in people?

is there still fear in my love? can love even exist while any fear is present?

am i as good as i think that i am?

6/23/22

all i need to do is walk outside and move in any direction and i will find love. i trust that my best friend love is always there, always here with me and everywhere else all at once, but for those times where i need a visual, more explicit evidence that i am not crazy and that other people feel it too, i only need to wander for a small amount of time until i find them. i watch the muddied outlines of bodies wave to each other from behind their windshields as they take turns at a stop sign and i hear the thank yous and you're welcomes and have a nice days when i walk into any building that i am near. sometimes i think that i am weak, i am beautiful and i cherish my body but i am skinny and frail and sometimes i think that i want to change that but above all else i know that my slender body holds love the highest and that is really all that i need. at some point my heart will grow three sizes and my ribs will burst from the inside and the doctor will say i have never seen this before and i will be in immense pain but the love that i feel will cover me like a soft, wool blanket when you want to keep the windows open on a chilly evening in the fall and i will be okay. my head held low and a look of comfortable defeat on my face i will say its okay, the love will protect me and i will mean it and thank them for doing so. my favorite thing is PDA, from the bottom of my enlarged heart this is true, i want to watch as two strangers to me caress each other and smile the smile of love and act as tho they are the only two people on earth in their own special moment, i hope to validate their feelings and cheer them on from the sidelines saying yes! you've done it! let the love you feel determine your actions and be proud and brave enough to show everyone else your emotions! fear has no place here, fear is absent from this moment! fear is not welcome!...

i walk passed two people standing on the bridge and holding each other closely, the masc one with their hands around the femme ones neck and the femme one with their hands around the masc ones waist, i am already vulnerable so im thankful that its just dark enough outside that they wont be able to see my tears because they have surely added to them. i think about how much i love my partner and then i think about how much i love my family and my friends and then also myself. to be able to be as comfortable with myself as i am, i am grateful everyday. i trust my body and its reactions and impulses more with each new day that it carries me into. this is part of why i cry. i see the two on the bridge and i walk passed and focus as tightly as i can on my love when i am as close as i will get to them and hope that my love and their love can connect and we will both feel more, quickly benefitting each other without ever even fully realizing it. the visual that pops into my head as i am near them is ralph's heart breaking when lisa yells at him at the krusty award show and i find this a bit ironic because this is a situation of unrequited love when, in my reality, it is because of so much love that i feel the same as ralph does. i stumble over to my destination, drunk and dizzy from the love in my system and i vomit into the mississippi river. the chunks of corn are replaced with candy hearts with all sorts of different messages and the vomit is pink like bubblegum instead of green like garbage. it smells like roses and its being carried down the river and spreading like wildfire- what spreads faster than wildfire? well friend there is only one answer and that answer is love. i think oh no, what have i done? but it is out of my hands and i can't imagine a little love hurting anybody. my gut is right because flowers bloom and spread their seeds before my eyes and the river starts filling with jumping fish, smiling at me as they break the surface and winking at me just before plunging back into the water. the two people on the bridge both start to applaud me and i say me? this is because of you two and they laugh a hearty laugh with their arms still embracing one another and the femme one says our love is not separate from yours, you of all people should know this and i think that yes i should have known that. the masc one says you feel love when and how we feel love so we are all together in those moments, love cannot exist without others, human or nonhuman to which i smile and nod my head. i hiccup a bubble in the shape of a heart and when it pops i am gently rained on by what smells like cologne. i look up to the darkening sky and see the beautiful moon above me and i feel comfort, something like a hug but softer than any human could give me. i fall asleep in my bed of grass and love and i am at home

6/22/22

oh the glory! the glory of life, the experience of being alive, of moving my head and my thoughts, of the breath that is in and out of me and in and out of me again! glory! there is nothing else i need and because of this i am immobile and erratically happy, i am full of glee but it makes me look crazy from the outside when i actually feel the most stably sane i have ever been. all of my ideas make me squish my face and pucker my lips and go oooooo! because they are all so good. i may not get to all of them but i am sure to validate them. i make myself cry because i allow myself to be moved so easily. i wonder to myself, is this sustainable? can i live to be 89 like my grandfather while continuously decreasing my guard and dissolving into the love? i am being zipped back up and weaving myself into the universe again, i am losing my form and my self, my emotions stab me deeper and deeper still and while i am morphing with my mother again i fall deeper and deeper still into a solitude that is indescribably alone- am i alone because i am life? am i the universe themselves and therefore still just one thing? how far back do i have to pull the magnifying glass to start back over again and see that i am still only one entity? oh the glory! i am not sad, i am only curious! i am morbidly curious and so i will die like a cat, i must be on my ninth life because i don't think i can take another one, i need to rest, i need 18 hours of sleep a day and to sunbathe and clean myself in the light from the center of my universe, the center of myself and the heart of it all, i am zooming in and out too quickly and eventually become disoriented and my vision is taken up by visuals that look like the wormhole in 2001 a space odyssey but this lasts an eternity instead of only 15 minutes. where am i? oh the glory, what glorious clarity i am discovering, glory glory glory, there is no other word that is appropriate enough, glory is the only word in my dictionary now, it is the only applicable word, the glory is all around me this very moment and they will not leave my side because i have found them in this journey. they are my checkpoint. i will never again know a life without the glory by my side. they are my guide and i love them like i love a brother, deep and unconditional. where are the others? where have you all gone, are you being zipped up with me? it feels like i'm on a whirly ride at the carnival and i can't quite see who is all next to me because of the speed and the g force on my body but i know that you are there because when i spit i hear it land on skin and someone say ew what the fuck! and i giggle a tearful giggle and feel calm for the moment even tho this whirly ride is incredibly intense. hug me, please, i need some comfort right now. where are we going? are we there yet? i don't know either. can you hold my hand? thank you, i'm just a little scared. at least i think i feel scared, i don't exactly know how to describe this feeling that i'm feeling right now. i've actually felt it all my life, i don't think its ever quite left me, can you believe that? its funny to talk about, i don't think i ever have before, its the reason my actions are slow and robotic, always meticulous and often wrong but never for lack of reason. oh i'm just confused, don't mind me please, i will comfort you now, its your turn, i only needed to talk for a little bit. yes, thank you. i love you and im here for you. isn't it just glorious? oh the glory...oh my god, the glory! i am falling apart, i am melting and my pieces are dissolving, i am leaving but i am holding onto the glory! the glory! oh my god the glory!

6/21/22

my legs moved like jello jiggling back and forth and i said to kit i feel like i could bike forever. we had made it out of the sea of people and were in the clear until we reached our destination. i thought about how happy i was that we had not eaten the mushrooms 30 minutes earlier or else i would have hated being stuck for so long in the inescapable crowd but because we ate them 30 minutes later i was able to find it amusing. then i found myself biking for what felt like forever

i looked over my shoulder and you were behind me, quite far behind me, and you were looking around with your big pretty eyes. i yelled to you, am i going too fast? and then you snapped out of your gaze and said oh no, i'm just taking my time and i turned back to face forward and smiled to myself

we sat on the bench next to the number 13 and the trees and plants and bugs and trail all surrounded us in a hug that made us feel welcome to be there. i'm happy to be here with you i said as i turned to face you. you grabbed my hand and we sat in the quiet, watching the bugs and leaves move, feeling the breeze of the summer on our skin. that was all we needed

...

eradicate all expectations from my relationships! that is the goal! my conversation with matthew was a realization and one of those significant moments where i listened to him speak and i walked along the path with him, head nodding, mouth open, awestruck with how the simplicity of the idea could have such a large effect on me, my brain, my thoughts. i said yes! exactly that, yes! and from that moment on this idea lives with me. i am free from my cage, i spread my wings and i fly when i am with close friends and my partner because i do not hold the possessive notion of expectations over them anymore, to expect is to set yourself and your relationship up for failure, how can they know what i expect if i do not even vocalize it? ridiculous. its a silly and embarrassing thing to reflect on but i do not dwell on those emotions because i have sped up and passed them, i put on my hazards for a couple of seconds to wave to them with my car and say goodbye. i cant even see them in the rear view mirror anymore. this afternoon i am extending this idea of saying goodbye to expectations to myself which is something i didn't do before, it was only towards other people. but in the same sense of self loving, i must burn the expectations i have built up for myself first and most important of all in order to be free and therefore the best version of myself. i feel a want, a need, an intense desire to always perform to the highest of my abilities when i am with others. my words and my actions and my everything must portray to them, the audience, that i am there with them. i am listening and my life is being impacted by them in this moment. that must be translated or else i have not done my job. but how can this be genuine if it occupies the same part of my brain that should be used for all of the things listed above? if i am only sort of listening, if i am mostly thinking i need to be present, how should i move my hands to show that i am engaged, i am going to say this when they are done speaking no matter what words come next, in fact i will formulate my response right now while they are still talking then how is this doing what i have set out to do! brain, i love you! but i must detach from you a bit! loosen your grip on me and i will treat you like royalty! you are in control but i do not wish to be controlled. do not hold me so firmly and i will show you how cooperative i can be. make the expectations go poof! and soak in the moment with me and behave honestly and without thought. have trust in me, in us, in you most of all. this all ties back to fear, does it not? it does, it always does, of course it does. fear has no place in my life of love. fear, you are slowly leaving me and i feel empathy for you, you have taught me a lot but i am graduating from your course. if you learn only one thing from me let it be this: you are a caterpillar, you are not in your final form, you are not just fear. you are more. grow your wings and fly with me

6/11/22

i just laid there and let it happen. i knew i couldn't stop it so i didn't try to. the tears kept pumping themselves out rhythmically and i thought that it felt kind of similar to cumming, the consistent waves of pushing something out, eventually depleting the source. my cheeks were then wet and i sat there sniffling. i was watching a video about baseball- nothing in particular within the sport, just baseball. i think the video was titled baseball for people who don't know anything about baseball. i know everything about baseball and i sat there for 20 minutes and i watched it and it made me cry. that's the thing i struggle to talk to people about, i don't understand what is inside of me that makes me emotional in this way, it feels silly but i've learned to let it happen instead of repressing it. that gets me nowhere, makes me feel plugged up. sometimes the emotions hit me like a train and i become paralyzed and at their mercy for however long they want to fuck me up. its entirely up to them

.

she reaches for my hand but we only lock our pinkies together. she's afraid of love and this is an extension of that. i think its cute and i hope that over time we work our way all the way up to the pointer

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i feel alone, like my room is a trap, i quit my job to have more time to do things i like but i'm afraid that i will just be stuck in my room...i keep spending money, i keep not stretching, i keep i keep i keep doing the same things, i tell myself that i will start this after that but when that comes i find a new that to replace it, to push the start date back further and further, and it feels good at first as if i have more room to breathe but then i realize that i'm doing it and it doesn't feel so good. but then i can convince myself that no this time its different, this is justified, and i agree with my thoughts but then i snap out of it and find out my brain has tricked me! maybe i just don't want to do the things i think i want to do. is that so wrong? is it wrong to be still and lost in thought and nothing more? well it certainly isn't healthy all the time but neither is critiquing the way that i live, every small aspect of it. i want to build up my stamina but its difficult and i cannot find the motivation. i think a routine would help. hmm maybe tomorrow...how funny right?

6/10/22

MONEY AINT REAL TIME AINT REAL MONEY AINT REAL TIME AINT REAL MONEY AINT REAL TIME AINT REAL MONEY AINT REAL TIME AINT REAL MONEY AINT REAL TIME AINT REAL MONEY AINT REAL TIME AINT REAL MONEY AINT REAL TIME AINT REAL MONEY AINT REAL

6/8/22

...

6/7/22

my fear

what is my fear?

it must be the unknown. it must be these big ideas that make me feel like i'm slipping away, i am never brave or confident enough to see them thru and i always end up anxiously scrambling to find my grip on the rope that anchors me to the ground if i drift too far for comfort

my fear is a lack of comfort

my need for comfort overshadows relationships and it is oftentimes a self sabotage

can i comfort myself? i'm not sure but i know that i've tried

my fear makes me feel alienated

isolated

without comfort

so i resort to the sadness

6/5/22

we loosened the firmness of our grip just a little bit as we took a breath and reassessed the situation before us, the situation the two of us were in, the situation that was us. naked and vulnerable we touched bodies in many places at once and we talked about where we are and how we got here, then we talked about where we want to go and what we want, together and alone. i hadn't thought about these things explicitly before we brought them up together and i found myself floating in this middle ground that is not sustainable forever, but the only place i can exist in for the moment and i found myself at peace. the entirety of our relationship i have imagined the future with you c*******, it was something that i wanted to work towards and something i took great inspiration from. it still is. but after our conversation last night i began to think about the possibility that you and i will not end up together in the way that i once thought, the way that i fought for and made mistakes trying to steer towards, i faced the fact that the world that we live in does not necessarily have riley and c** together in this fashion for very long. this is why i breathed deeply. i feel a freedom i have not felt since the day before valentine's day, i still hold you close but it is graceful now and unpossessive. it bears repeating: i find myself at peace. if only you have known the ways in which you've changed me...this is the reason i am sure i will always hold the love i have for you so highly. i love you more than i did last night, how do you feel? oh baby. oh my love...

.

today i want to go back to the place where i spent my summer nights, along the river with a big hot bonfire, staying out late and passing around a bottle of ron diaz, it didn't matter what time we got home because nobody had work the next morning. i want to go back and feel the way i felt back then but i know if i do that my friends wont be there. i would be alone because they wouldn't be there. i would prepare the fire by myself and it wouldn't be as good as the ones my friends made because they're better at it than i am. i would smoke and drink by myself but it wouldn't be as fun because my friends wouldn't be there. so many things are less enjoyable by yourself. id rather drink with someone, id rather smoke with someone, id rather talk with someone, id rather cum with someone. i'm alone in my house now, on the balcony on a cloudy afternoon in the summer and i am feeling the weight of being alone. alone, alone, alone, like squidward traveling to the future and eventually breaking the realm of time he once existed in. i wanna go back but they wouldn't be there so i know that i wont, i know that i will only think about it and yearn for what once was. my friends were there once, my friends and i were there many times, my friends were there many times without me and they wouldn't be there tonight if i were to go back

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i entered the building and nostalgia sucker punched me in the stomach, it was waiting just around the corner and as i doubled over and continued to gasp it wiped its hands and calmly walked away

6/4/22

it smells like perfume and there are decorations everywhere but no one seems to pay them any mind

they walk thru the aisles and open spaces and the sounds of their words and steps make echoes against the tall ceilings

6/2/22

i woke up from my nap and i was laying on my back. ive been trying to lay on my back during my midday naps to shake things up and i find it pretty enjoyable, i think its helping with my fear of falling. my window was open and it was still as sunny and cloudless at 5pm as it had been all day. the cats were meowing at me to feed them but i told them with my body language that i would be up in just a few minutes. they didnt seem to get the message because they were incessant, climbing over my body and sniffing my ears, meowing with their chests every time id look at one of them. i didnt mind it. i never do, but this time i found so much more comfort in it. i felt as tho i was viewing my life in the present like a scene in a movie, i developed a deep sense of appreciation, one that starts small in your heart and spreads out like an atom bomb until it is all that you feel. it seemed like i could lay there forever and be content. it was nothing short of meditative and i didnt even have to try. the 20 mile an hour winds on this summer afternoon were my metronome although this metronome did not keep track of time, it simply suggested that this indefinite moment was all that i needed to focus on, nothing before and nothing after. i was there, naked under my covers, a breeze on the upper half of my body, with nothing but the sound of the cars and pedestrians outside, the strong winds, my cats meows, and my breath. 5pm lasted as long as i wanted it to today. i lay there staring up at my ceiling, wishing i could feel this feeling all the time, realizing that it might not be as impossible as the old me used to think. i felt rejuvenated and excited to embrace the rest of the evening and it has just been a wonderful evening so far

6/1/22

i cum and i feel love

it rushes thru my body as life leaves me and i am left moaning inaudibly

i curl up on my bed and am paralyzed by the love that i am

when i cum i am floating and the terrors of my life turn into wonder, my confusion is a happy thing instead of a bad thing

i cum and i am alive

i cum and i am content

cum for me, comfort me

a key in the door

my eyes are closed, the blinds are shut, take off my clothes, breeze on my butt

all time has stopped, i cannot move, take off my top, i feel my boobs

i lay forever, im stuck in bliss, wake me never, not even to kiss

my life is my own, this time is mine, i stretch and i moan, im high, im high

-- -- --

right now i am thinking about the time when i was a kid, when my parents were still married in our second house together, when i became scared from a dream and i woke up and searched the house for my father, i couldnt find him in my minute long journey and i started to wail because i thought he had abandoned us, abandoned me, my mother was at work and i was alone with my baby brother, but i was a baby too, the first time i remember feeling fear from being alone and small and as if i was still living inside of a dream, the first time my dreams blended with reality and i became confused enough to cry, it felt like that was the end, i was so vulnerable and small and scared, i cried as i walked around the house and i walked slowly because i had given up but then i met my father at the top of the stairs going down to the basement, he was confused and hugged me and told me he had only been downstairs on the computer...

that reminds me of when i was still small and in the same house and i was in my backyard on a summer morning, my mother was gardening and there was a very big rock on top of the soil, i flipped it over and i found a bug that, at least in my memory, was a foot long and blue and yellow and slimy like a slug, but a cartoonishly large slug, i gasped and dropped the rock back down and became afraid to pick it back up again so i didnt, i slowly backed away and never attempted to find him again, when i remember that memory, and i have many many times, i am still confused in my adult years on how i could remember so vividly this impossibly large and impossibly colored animal that scared me, an animal that looked lifeless but still moved, an animal that looked like what suffering looked like, why was i dreaming in real life, how could my memory be so skewed in such a morbid way, what was wrong, the reality or the memory

now i am thinking about the dream i had last night, how i was with my high school friends and we were in an unknown land with an unknown group who were beginning our trek to the boundary waters the next day but people had begun to practice setting up camps inside of our cabin for the night and i began to say no you dont need to do that, we arent camping yet, you can wait and nobody would listen, people, my friends, began canoeing away with these strangers and i felt the sole responsibility of wrangling all of us together again but quickly became defeated, my elementary school best friend was there and played the antagonist again, of course he was, he always does, it isnt his fault but i wonder why he exists in my subconscious like that and i am left confused again and remembering how little i know about anything

i feel like i had a good day at work today and i am sad that im leaving in a week, i wonder what my life will be like when i no longer work at spitz, i wonder how much more i will accomplish that i want to and i think to myself right now that it will be a lot, i am sitting in my dark room on a cloudy day with the blinds drawn shut and my cat on top of my right arm as i type this all out, i think about how much all about love by bell hooks has taught me all about love and i am forever grateful to bell hooks now and i hope she rests in peace and can feel me thinking of her right now and sending her the love that she has taught me exists all around me all the time, the love that is always attainable, i dont even have to look for it, i simply have to be open to it

i think of all the memories that i share with the friends i visited yesterday as i biked around and delivered my books to them, i showed up unannounced and a third of them were home to greet me, welcome me in to their homes with smiles on their faces and asking if i wanted coffee to which i said no thank you i love you but i have to keep moving because i love some more people and have to go tell them too, they understood and we hugged goodbye and it makes me want to surprise more people with my presence more, i thought of how even when i am not with these people their lives continue on just like mine does, we work and we play and we meet up at some point down the line, maybe months, maybe years, and we reconnect and catch up and do it all over again, the thing that doesnt leave tho is the love, i will always have enough love for all the people in my life and i feel like i can be a better friend and it isnt that hard, im remembering how i determined that being the friend that i want to be to all the people i want to be better to was impossible but now i am shrugging that thought away

this reminds me of the text i received last night from my friend and a love of mine named alexis who was very happy to get my book from me yesterday but then a few hours later became very sad when she read the story that i had written about her where i admitted that i did not want her in my bed that one night, she said she felt awful and apologized if she did anything to make me uncomfortable to which i felt awful that she felt awful because it was not about her but the other side of the same situation, the depression i had on my birthday night from the drugs wearing off and the rejection of the other love of mine at the time, i thought about lying to her and telling her no love it wasnt about you, it was somebody else but then i remembered i cant do that so i fessed up and told her that i love her the same, it didnt change anything, it was my headspace, and then we both felt better, we are seeing each other this saturday to catch up and i think to myself right now that i dont know anyone like her, i have nobody in my life who shares a similar relationship to the one that we have, we were fast and then slow and then steady and now off but the love has always been there and it leads me to believe that it always will be, i cherish her and her feelings, she feels as much as i do and she inspires me greatly

i think of all the loves that ive had and bodies ive shared my time with

i forget about them so easily

i dont want to but it happens

i am too concerned with the future

is that my problem? maybe one of them

im too concerned about what will happen that i dont know about

that is the same thing just worded differently

i just said that

so it must be true

i think about the school wide awards i won in both 7th and 8th grade and i think the other kids must have hated me because i won them both years. i was just being as good as i could be. i didnt even brag back then, i wasnt even confident, i was horribly shy but i knew i wanted to share love, my mother taught me it was the only thing worth doing. i feel that way confidently now but there are no more awards to validate living like that, but i reflect on the fact that i was awarded them at one point in my life and i find it funny, funny enough to keep going

my friend from california left recently and i only got to see him once because i was working. im sorry paul, i love you so much but it just didnt work out

i am running out of steam. this was a little exhausting but therapeutic. i am listening to dean blunt and its june 6th, 2022. i hope someday people will read stories about me and analyze my writing. for some reason that has always been a dream of mine. when i am dead and no longer breathing, when i can no longer give a response with words when i am asked a question, when i can no longer move my eyes towards the sound that is being made, when i cant lift my finger to lend a helping hand, when i will never wake up again, i hope that you feel the love i have left on this earth because it is all that i have tried to do, there is nothing i could do that would mean more to me than that except create children with a person that i love, that would be the peak and my life would change forever, im sure that it will happen. i think c******* would make a wonderful mother. a perfect mother to my perfect father. i think shes scared of love romantic love but i dont blame her because its very intense. i hope she allows me to help loosen her up, i hope that when she trusts me that it doesnt have to be like other people she sees that we can blossom, i love her i really do, i will love her til i die even if the romantic love leaves and i am only left with a love of friendship and admiration and motivation, then it will still be endless love, the one thing i have an infinite amount of, my heart will grow so big it will break the magnifying box one day just like the grinch but i will have skipped the grouchy part entirely. what a gift

"i feel too much, i feel too much!" im crying out for help but i am experiencing joy, a dagger is in my heart but it is providing me life instead of taking it, there is no blood spouting out, only love

-- -- --

i gracefully removed the headphones from my ears and placed them back in their sheath. i was done fighting for the day so i surrendered my weapons. i bobbed along the bridge and spilt meletti all over my left hand and i thought i should have been carrying the glass in my dominant hand before i realized thats the one i was holding the spliff in. i approached another single soul who was posted up on the opposite side and he was banging a big cane on the ground to hold his rhythm as he sang a sea shanty or something that sounded like it belongs in the soundtrack to o brother where art thou. the cane looked widdled, like something he would have carved out of love and care while sitting at a campsite in the boundary waters, under the stars so clear they engulf the mind and make all other reality seem like a far away dream, a memory of what you thought you remembered, a vision mixed with real life experience. i appreciated his energy so i sat down on my side of the bridge and listened for a little while. when i got up i paid him my love and continued on to the main event: the waterfall underneath the sliver of a waxing crescent moon. i was getting excited being so close to it, i could see the mist from the collision of running water and still water behind the treeline and i grinned a big grin. right after my grin a bell sounded behind me, a shy and unassaulting announcement that was quickly followed by a giggle and a voice that said listen to the sound it makes! and then another soft voice that replied ¡que bonita! this was the moment that i took out my phone and took a picture of the main event. i took a picture and a video. they saved and deposited themselves in the digital memory bank i pay $10 a month for, one of the most confident subscriptions ive ever signed up for. after i achieved my goal for the evening i remembered that i was in the middle of a big bridge over a big river with water running so fast the whitecaps overtook the typically dark blue color of the water as the majority. the fear began to set in and i started to think im afraid my brain is going to tell my body to jump over the ledge but i quickly swept this thought over the cliff, into the abyss that i pay no mind, and my knees evened out their shakiness and i managed to turn my body around and begin my journey back. i saw many different people and i heard many different sounds and i found myself becoming increasingly thankful for living in a big city and being able to satisfy my desire to remain a fly on the bar wall, nibbling the new fruit that is cut and laid out for me each and every morning, so pretty, always providing me food for thoughts as i puke up my interpretation of them. i sighed a sigh of bliss. the man with the cane was now the man with an accordion and his sound made my naked ears even happier than before. i passed him with another smile which was this time directed at him and i got off the bridge, safe and sound, just like i always do. silly brain i thought with my brain to my brain. the thoughts you give me which i dont like hold no weight. i saw a staircase that winded up an industrial chimney and there was a tall and bright lamp on it and it created such an interesting aura i wished there was a person in this scene my eyes have found whose features i couldnt make out and whose figure was actually only a shadow, a non physical manifestation of an unknown yearning of dissatisfaction with something, but there was not. i took another picture for my digital memory box and proceeded on home. i finished my meletti. i cant remember where i set the glass now that im thinking about it. as i continued my return, it just so happened that my pace matched up in time to cut off a separated group of millennials who were out drinking. the conversation i heard behind me went like this: i know, im so lame for going home now. no its a wednesday its okay. that was so fun tho, we should do it again sometime. is that a new car? yeah i just bought it. you should come over and we can make dinner and drink wine. i love you man, ill see you soon and i thought wow everybody is the same arent they?. i jaywalked across the busiest street i live next to and came up on my house. i looked up at the balcony, at the camp chair i have sitting out every moment of everyday, and i saw a shadow sitting there, moving and smoking, a collection of dust or magic that i could see straight thru but not ignore the existence of. a chill went up my spine and my knees wobbled again and when i looked to my right i saw a big drop off into a big river and i felt the mist cling to my body and it fogged up my glasses. the sky started to break open and i turned again to the balcony on the bridge, my balcony on the bridge, and i was staring back at the shadow of my past self, and although i couldnt see any of his features i could feel that he was smiling at me. all i could do was smile back

5/30/22 #2

where am i, love? where am i in the quest for finding you? for mastering you? i look back at my recent entries and i feel sadness. but you are not sadness, love, you are the feeling of content and calm, the feeling i strive for every day. the title of this document is "MASTERING MY LOVE" but am i doing that, love? i feel a sickness still in me, dwindling and weak, but still present. it only takes one drop to taint the batch. its taken a lot of flushes and stomach pumps and vomiting to attempt to rid myself of this little baby sickness and my body feels weak, but love, i know you are out there, you are not waiting for me because you do not exist with bias towards anything or anyone, you are just out there. in my eyes you exist as heavens gates. you are alive and you move with the wind and the current, not physically and never in an elusive way, but simply with the movements of the energy of life. you are the energy of life, love. so where am i in my quest? well lets see because i would like to talk this thru with you. i feel as tho historically i have attempted to run these hurdles many times because i have always been in the pursuit of you, love, but see i would immediately crash and clang and become hurt and frustrated and wonder why it was happening. but now love you are teaching me to work, to practice, to take out my jenga blocks and build an even bigger, prettier, more unique tower of myself. i am attempting the hurdles now and i am succeeding in clearing some of them. not all, not yet, but some already. i see this. the title of "MASTERING MY LOVE" is funny to me right now because it feels like all of the titles ive had for my other documents have predicted my future state of being quite well and i am excited to see this one shape out the way that i know it will because i see progress already even when i recognize that it is far from finished. i think i just find it funny because my titles are reflective of what i want during a specific time and i eventually feel defeated, as if it becomes unattainable, only to find out later that i have achieved what i wanted to (although never fully, there are no finish lines in life) because i have been putting so much energy into it. of course i have achieved it, why am i surprised? today i am recognizing a bit more than usual that i am a baby who has put too much expectations on all of my previous loves. specifically romantic, that is what i am thinking about today, only the romantic. these expectations reflect insecurities and unfair desires that ultimately exist in the arena of control, wanting, often needing someone to behave a certain way, a way that only i have deemed the right way, for me to feel calm, and this is the opposite of letting someone be who they are. its preposterous and embarrassing and i bend my neck to lower my head and stare at my feet kicking the rocks below me in shame when i confront this reality. i hold myself with kindness and the majority of these feelings only exist as pangs of my emotions that are repressed but they eat me up inside and i grow to distance myself from and resent the situation i have put myself in, the situation i have worked so hard for, borderline fought for. but love, you are not selfish. you are not selfless either. you only are and you exist out there and i believe i can find it. i have pledged myself to my romantic partner already that i am working on insecurities and i see progress even tho these pangs still exist. its the dwindling baby sickness. its okay little one, i see you and acknowledge you, i respect you for what you are but you are no longer welcome in me, i will not house you, you are a parasite and go against all that i long to be, to represent, all that i choose to share. goodbye and farewell, i hope you find peace and grow into something much more beautiful. i have pledged to myself to wait before i respond or blow up if i feel a pang, to consider all angles, to remember that this person is not intentionally trying to hurt me, that they are not intentionally disrespecting me, that they are not intentionally trying to avoid me or fuck with me. and when i think about that, when i see the words ive written down only one moment ago, i am reminded of how silly these ideas are, these whispers from the baby sickness that creep into my mind and i silently nod in agreement because its much easier to not face the fact that you are not the victim because there is no victim, it is only life happening around you. when i am reminded of how silly these whispered ideas are, how silly i feel that i have allowed them to infiltrate me and my relationship, i am flooded with the memories and feelings of love for and from this person i have chosen to commit myself to. bell hooks is teaching me that love is work and i agree. bell hooks is teaching me that true love can only exist without fear. tell me love, is there any fear around you? ever? that sounds like heaven to me already. i think you are heaven, love, what else could you be except the only reason for all of this in the first place? where else would i return to except thru your gates and into your arms? i believe you are attainable in real life while i am still breathing and have conscious thoughts that i can only have in this body that i am wearing on this trip, but surely you must fully accept all those who breathe their last breath? love, you are the reason i am excited to die, in the most loving and happy way possible, i do not want you to wash over me too soon because i still have so much more to experience here (im having so much fun, fun i never knew was possible) but i am excited to meet you. right now i am remembering that i am who i love, not who loves me. i am who i love! not who loves me! right now i am tearing my suit off and ditching my thick brimmed glasses to expose myself to the world for the first time, i dont wear a suit underneath, its only my skin, there is no S on my chest, its only my heart, but it is vulnerable and massive and it is where my superpowers come from. i have unleashed my heart to the world around me and i calmly assess my surroundings, teary eyed but confident, shedding all of my fears second by second. who will love me? i proclaim. who will love with me? i continue on. my heart turns itself inside out as i poke the open wound, i do not feel pain but rather i feel love, when the bystanders see this they take off their suits and do the same, this is the beginning of the revolution, we are all led by love and discover our powers together. love, i know this is possible, i know this is possible because i trust you. i am working on my trust too and i am giving in to being vulnerable, sometimes i feel frustration because i dont feel it reciprocated and i ask myself what more can i do to receive back the vulnerability that i present to others? and then the answer that i come up with is to simply be patient. patience may be the most necessary value i have learned to accept in my quest for you...

so tell me love, can you be mastered? can you even be tamed? i may never find the answer but i do know that i can get closer each day and so that is what i will do

5/30/22

i lift my neck a bit and my chin touches my chest, i am looking down the runway of my naked body towards the open window that is inviting in all the summer breeze. it feels very pleasurable, like active touching, i am being hugged by nature in many different areas, over and over again. i lay my head back down on my purple fake suede couch and i stretch as tall as i can. i feel my stomach as it sinks back into itself and accentuates my ribs, i visualize this in my head because i am not looking down the runway of my naked body anymore. i feel it rise with my inhale and fall with my exhale. i am sprawled out on this couch in a way that doesnt fit, my feet are far off the edge enough to touch the other couch that is right next to it. i clench my toes into a foot fist and feel the difference in material of this other couch which is also, intentionally, purple. my stretched out body lies at an angle that does not coincide with either of the directions that stem from the right angle of the frame and the chaise but i prefer it this way because it feels messier, a little more natural, less calculated, what summer is all about. i feel like a cat and i think about all of the times that i see the kitties i live with in places on the floor that makes me think why are you resting there? of all places? and i feel an understanding. i feel the sleepiness taking over and i cannot imagine a more comfortable place to take an afternoon nap than on my fake suede purple couch with the summer breeze hugging me thru an open window before i find my rest

5/28/22

"for we are gods, and we are lonely, so we shall create"

and create they did. the creations did not solve their loneliness but it was tamed for a while. the creators started to wonder why they are always looking for the next thing, why they can never feel content for a long period of time, and there was no answer that came to them. they create life but they cannot create answers. they cannot kid themselves because they dont know how. they hold themselves and their creations with divinity and it is always true but it does not solve the loneliness. after some time the answer that they determined was the right one was to continue to create- one creation cannot solve the loneliness but continuously creating can give the same effect and they became content with that

"i simply gave myself up to the task"

he presented his wingspan and declared i love you this much

she heard his words and felt they were as soft as his touch

5/26/22

the world moves fast around me

i move a little more slow

my responses are delayed

but i still try to show

respect to new strangers

and that im trying to keep up

i feel pity and sadness

they throw change in my cup

i dont want their money

id like to give my 2 cents

i just wish they were slower

their words are over my head

i reach out but cant catch them

they slip thru my clutch

im sad that theyre fleeting

i wonder why do you rush?

i am left in the dust

in a race i didnt sign up for

but i still keep on trying

and trying a little more

my head moves on a swivel

to watch the hustle and bustle

i am stuck at the bar

i watch the cracks turn to rubble

i have no companion

to comfort my worries

i rub my arms and my hands

to where do you hurry?

i am far away from the others

they have left me behind

i see sun glint off their bodies

i wonder whats on your minds?

ive accepted last place

i yell you dont have to wait up

i can no longer see the glint

it seems ive run out of luck

i dont think i can do it

i dont know what to do

i am stuck moving slow

thats all i know to be true

5/25/22

why do you cry? she asks with her thumb stroking his cheek, more to touch his face than to wipe away the tears and he is so distraught he cant even muster a reply of words, only heaves and other quiet sounds. he is looking at the ground at his dirty shoes, one foot is planted evenly on the floor, the other on its side due to his bent heel. he thinks about his mismatched socks and how stupid it all looks put together. the dumb hospital tile and his stupid dirty shoes that he was wearing when he got the news, his ugly mismatched socks because he was running late. what was i so worried about an hour ago? being late to work? what the fuck does that mean to me now? he says this out loud and his mother keeps her stare locked onto his eyes even tho he will not return the look and she keeps the closed mouth, soft smile as well, just in case he finds the courage to look death in the face. i cant imagine how scared he is she thinks. but this would not be good to think out loud so instead she says it doesnt matter does it? and me being here shouldnt change that. i think you should keep that in mind next time you feel that way. she found the key and unlocked the door once again because after he hears this he slowly tilts his head to the side and meets the stare that shes set up. finally. no more tears for the moment. they both recognize that this feels like the eye of the storm so they speak as much as they can before the latter half of their emotions reaches them

is this the last time im going to see you?

i think so

does it hurt?

no

are you scared?

no. then when he doesnt ask her another question, she asks him one: are you scared?

he collects his thoughts for a few seconds and then replies: im so scared it makes me question whether or not ive actually ever been scared before

and then she starts to cry but she puts the plug in the spigot because although she knows theres no wrong way to use it, their time is limited

can you feel how much i love you? how much ive loved you? she asks her son

yes mom. always. and im scared now because i feel like ive had your love over me, guiding me, my whole life, like a protective cover, a suit of armor, and now its going to be taken away and ill be cold and scared and naked and i wont know what to do

my love she says very calmly. if you have felt all the love i have tried to show you every waking moment of your life, imagine the love i can show you when i am without the limitations of a body. a body which i have loved and cherished, even as it turns against life, for it is not an evil but an occurrence that has happened to many people before me and will happen to many people after me, an occurrence that is just the result of the chaos of life itself. its not good and its not bad. we just have to do what we can when we can do it. and i can say that ive done that

5/22/22

i had just spent an hour of my afternoon walking around the rosedale mall, i went there to buy a couple of hacky sacks and as i was leaving i saw them, grandmother and grandson

5/20/22

when the daughter heard the news it barely affected her because it wasnt even really news. dads depressed. she gave the mother a blank stare and told her i know. the mother responded with a face of surprise and the daughter thought when i have children i will never underestimate the things that they can pick up on. i will never be naive to the fact that hiding things from kids is impossibly tough. the mother continued: hes been depressed ever since ive known him. i love him all the same and i know you will too but its bad right now. you should know. the daughter continued as well: i do know. i did know and to this the mother gave the daughter a face of irritation but quickly changed it to a sad smile and went in for a long hug and a kiss on the head. the daughter returned them both

the daughter had always felt pity for the father and it was a bizarre thing to reckon with because she felt as tho feeling an emotion as profound and specific as pity was not something that should be extended towards one half of the reason why you are alive to feel emotions in the first place. she watched him grow fatter and uglier and saw him do nothing about it. this caused the daughter to become angry with the father- why arent you doing anything? we can all see that you dont like this. we dont like this either. but the father was always smiling to her, the same sad smile the mother gave her, and the only thing she could do was give him a real smile back. she saw how much he tried to pretend that everything was okay and she felt the fathers genuine interest in her life

she imagined a strong and handsome man, the one she saw in old photos, running towards a home in the middle of an empty prairie, a home that contained the daughter and the mother who could be seen from outside the window, the man desperately happy and doing all that he could to reach and open the door to embrace the two people he loved most in the universe, the missing puzzle piece to the family, but never ultimately being able to get there. he would trip and stumble and be blown backwards by the wind and new obstacles would always appear in his way. she didnt like this thought but it had been a vivid one of hers for a very long time. she thought i must have always known he was depressed

sometimes the daughter would sneak up on the father and watch him when he was alone. when he was alone, he never smiled. he routinely stared out windows or into the floor corners of their home, not moving for many minutes. she rarely saw the father cry but when she did it was the saddest thing she had ever seen, every time. when this happened she would cry from the other side of the wall and feel closer to him because they cried together. when there were not tears she would eventually make her presence known and appear in the doorway, seemingly indifferent, and the father would calmly come back from wherever he was, as if she had just spoken the magic word to take him out of his hypnosis

hey dad

hey kiddo, he would always say. hows your day today?

its okay, she would always say back. this time she walked over to him and gave him a deep hug. they could both feel the love as it flowed from their hearts and out of their fingertips, chest, faces, everywhere. they began to cry together again and the father thought this was their first time doing this even tho it very much wasnt

do you know why i named you sunset? he asked her. he had never asked her this before so she perked up and pulled back from the hug a little bit

no. youve never told me

i suppose i havent. i thought maybe your mom had told you before. but then again i suppose she wouldnt even have a good explanation so why would she bring it up? he always did this, talking for too long, explaining his thoughts as he thought them, mostly things that didnt need to be explained. the daughter had been used to it for as long as she had been a conscious person but she recognized it every time

no, she never has either she replied casually but very interested. she said next so it was you who named me sunset?

and the father said yes. there was a pause and then the father went on: 

i dont know why i asked the question like that. the truth is i dont know why i named you sunset either. but the moment i knew i wanted to have children i knew i wanted to have a daughter. and the moment i knew i wanted to have a daughter i knew i wanted to name her sunset. im a very easygoing person and i always have been, your mom is much more stubborn than i am, which i really dont mind because i always enjoy the things that she wont budge on. i think thats a very big reason why we get along so well. but the name, your name, sunset, was the only thing in my life that i wouldnt budge on. i was always calm about it and it was never a big deal but i always told your mom that it couldnt be anything else. it just couldnt. she asked "well what if its a boy?" and i would say "well it wont be but i guess he could be named sunset too". and of course it wasnt, i knew it wasnt. the deal was that if you had been born a boy, then your mother would be the one to name you. if you were a girl, then your name would be sunset. we didnt want to know your sex until your birthday but i remember so vividly, i was so calm watching you come out, and when you were all the way, i broke down and wept like a baby. i cried more than you. for one moment you actually stopped crying and turned towards me with your closed eyes and slimy body and it looked like you reached out your hand so i grabbed it and we were silent and still for another moment. i stopped crying and then you went back to being a newborn and continued on with your tears. i havent cried like that since that very day

there were even more tears in his eyes now and there were also more tears in the daughters

you saved me that day sunset, i mean that so genuinely, you saved my life and then the impact of that statement hit the daughter and she went back in for the deep hug they were having before. they stayed like this for a handful of minutes and the father couldnt help envisioning that day he was just describing, he was feeling the same emotions he had felt all the way back then, the emotions he hadnt felt since then, and he remembered why he had held on for so long, it was for this, he thought about how little he knew about anything except for this, this moment that does not exist in time because it is always around, this moment that he could not grasp onto for so many years, like trying to grab a rope underwater, but here it was, flooding over him again, drowning him, and he began to laugh

when the deep hug was over the father and the daughter looked at each other and smiled. for the first time in her life, sunset saw a happy smile on her fathers face and she would never again see the type of sad smile she had been so accustomed to before the day he decided to tell her about her name

ill leave my ringer on for you

comfort me and ill cum for you

"you wanna listen to drake and you wanna have sex?" "im sorry baby i came" "its okay i did too"

when i tell you i love you i just want you to know that i love you

you shouldnt miss em either we different people

i tell you i love you without using the exact phrase

5/20/22

im sleepy honey

but ill keep my ringer on for you

just in case

pull me back from my dreams of you

i will sleepwalk down my stairs to my front door

and when i open it i hope you appear on the other side

i keep my ringer on for you every night

there isnt a moment i dont want to be with you

i have been alone all my life

and you cant fix that

because theres nothing to fix. ive come to terms with that

but i want to pretend it can be

experiencing life alongside another

is there a more magical reality?

and in the end i know its the thought that weighs me down

its not the reality

so ill wait for you babe

get it out of your system and when youre finished

ill be here

outside your door this time

keep your ringer on for me

you are the physical manifestation of hope

and i am the physical manifestation of love

two 4 letter words that fit together as good as lemon and lime

i am patient now love

i made my mistake and i learned from it

i would feel silly forever if i ruined this

so ill keep my ringer on for you angel

call me when youre ready

when youre done with your activities and think

oh yes! of course!

and we return to each other to spend another day in bed together

refusing dependence but acknowledging desires

theres nothing wrong with giving into what you want

who ever tried telling you there was?

capable people making informed decisions

based on love

im sleepy honey

my ringer is on for you

5/19/22

she sniffed like a bloodhound and found it with her nose before her eyes. its this way love, follow me. she grabbed his hand and quickly interlaced their tanned and dirty fingers. their rings clashed as they jogged together. the two lovers weaved thru a field of sunflowers as tall as the both of them. he was glad to be led so he could swivel his head to look the sunflowers in the face and return the smile that they were all giving him at the same time. he strained his neck to pay the respect he felt they deserved. her focus lay ahead, about a hundred yards over the rim of the hill they just began to climb. at the top they both caught their breaths, slowly, and at the same exact pace. they didnt even notice their lungs were mirroring each other because they were preoccupied with the lilac bush, now in their view, in the valley below them. their pupils took up their whole eyes and they smiled a rabid smile at each other before mutually ending their handhold and taking off toward the lilac bush. it was as big as a house. the race was on and just before the finish line there live two identical crabapple trees, each shedding their white leaves with the summer breeze- nature's confetti for the winner. they each fell once and tumbled down the hill before catching their footing in stride and the finish was so close that they agreed on a tie. they loved each other and they were fair. the symmetry in the air created a powerful feeling but not one that was a stranger to them. it was hot and they were sweaty so they began to undress and approached the lilac bush with ease and thanks- thanks for the shade, thanks for the beauty, and thanks, most of all, for the smell. have you ever smelled anything better? remember this now while we are here. we will have to wait almost a whole nother year for this same thing to happen. he nodded in silence while admiring the color of the flowers. he reached out to the lilac bush and said thank you. he sniffed a very big and long sniff and the aroma filled his head with wonderful thoughts. then they laid at the base of the lilac bush with their heads touching, feet pointing in opposite directions. fat, cold raindrops began to plunk their naked bodies and he looked around the sky and saw no clouds and became frightened because this didnt make sense to him. he stood abruptly in an effort to move to a place with more cover but discovered they were exposed as anyone could be. he thought about how little he knew about anything. his breaths came quicker and quicker and his eyes started to frown. meanwhile she stayed below, peering up at him with sympathy and a frown of her own. its only rain, love. how can you be comfortable with no clothes on but be afraid of water? he turned to face her and his body blocked the sun from reaching her and he saw his shadow overlaying her physical form. she looked small but her words felt big. they always felt big. youve been sad and in your head lately she continued. he crumpled into her and said i know it. he looked at the glitter around her eyes that was stuck there from last night. it sparkled in the sunlight. he couldnt hold eye contact because hers were still frowning at him and he could feel it. he repeated i know it and then went on with but im not sad now. im happy. im happy to be here with you and i think you have the most beautiful face i know. it sounded trite but he meant it with his whole heart and she knew that. she softened her frowning eyes and then the eye contact happened and they felt a bulge in their chests and in their throats as their hearts did everything they could to leap out of the mouths and spend some time together underneath the lilac bush. he was tired of feeling sad. he was tired of showing her that he was sad. underneath the lilac bush was where he decided to face his fears and underneath the lilac bush was when he started to trust. he extended his hand to her and to the lilac bush and to the raindrops from the sky and had firm handshakes with all of them in a very serious way and then started to laugh because it just wasnt that serious. he was happy again, he was telling the truth. with these handshakes the trust was sealed and he thought that today was the day he started to be alive again. petrichor swirled in the air and married with the scent of the lilac bush and everyone was intoxicated with the smells of love and happiness

5/18/22

i wake up in a cold and loud room. still no text. i insisted on sleeping with the window open last night and the cold air finds its way into my home easily, it wipes its feet on the welcome mat and cuddles up next to me. i seem to remember 3 separate firetrucks blazing by my room last night as i tried to fall asleep the first time- ones sirens would fade into the other sounds of the nighttime and then from the opposite direction another would start, quietly at first, then loud (they always honk when theyre right outside), and then quiet again. i was annoyed but i caught myself feeling selfish and instead started thinking that i hope everybody is okay. i could have closed the window but i just wanted this thing, this one little thing, cant i have it? and i did. i feel well rested and i enjoy waking up to such clear birdsongs. my childhood best friend was in my dream again last night, no matter how much older i get and how little i think about him when i am alive and awake, he will forever be the star of my dreams. i can never seem to shake him. it makes me think i have much more to discover about myself if that still remains such a mystery to me. in the dream last night he approached me sheepishly but a little condescendingly and handed me an ugly handwritten note. on it was all of his thoughts on how i had been behaving, how hes seen how seriously i take everything, how he thinks i need to just "chill out". i slowly look up at him and hes got a pleading grin on his face as if to say "yeah buddy its okay you just need to relax". i remember making an "mhm" sound and then asking my other friend for the key to his apartment because thats who was hosting us and i was going to leave the situation i was in. i felt misunderstood and didnt care enough, at all actually, to try and turn misunderstanding into understanding. and thats how i feel when i am awake too, even after initial attempts to return to the same page, i always seem to hit a wall and retreat back to making the "mhm" sound and asking for the keys. its a defeat. im thinking about all of this while i cuddle up underneath my heavy comforter, staring at the ceiling of my room and then the poster of the sunflower that i put up a couple months ago. the sounds outside my open window are loud again and i feel sad. how does the sadness always find me? i dont understand it. i slam my door and lock my windows, i am happy in a vacuum, breathing in the same air that i breathe out with a smile and good feelings but the sadness is like a cat and can slip thru seams in the walls and i always seem to forget that. it finds me and i can only feel dumb for having thought that it wouldnt and that makes it a little bit worse. i turn over to look at the time and see that i have to get up for work soon. still no text. i have a lot of work to do on myself and i am just discovering this. its daunting. im nervous having new love for a new person that coincides with this discovery (although certainly it was because of the new love i even started to unearth the these things i had neglected and buried), but i trust that it will work out. it will have to or else it wont. i will still be alive in both of those situations and i will have worked thru these necessary things within myself that i dont like as well. i cant kid myself because i dont know how and i always put myself first in the end. but sometimes it feels like sabotage on certain fronts and i wish it wouldnt. i wish i would get that text. why is that such a big deal to me? old habits. something to work on. i feel better than when i woke up, even more so than when i went to bed. the morning light brings clarity and it took me another stretch of sobriety to realize that inebriated or not, the nighttime is just a confusing time of the day. all reason seems to leave with the sun. you can convince yourself of anything if you try hard enough. the last thought i have before getting up is that i cant be as good of a friend as i want to be to everyone i love. its just not possible, there is not enough time in the world to do that, i resort to accepting that all i can do is act with love and kindness when i see or talk to them and pray that they feel the sincerity. then i remember how defeated i feel going to work again and how badly i want to quit. not today. maybe someday, but not today. i will have my time to experience life and support my livelihood in the way that i want, but for now it would be too silly to throw away half of my income. i am working towards something even tho im not sure what that (first) final product will be. its a feeling and i know it. patience, another lesson im trying to give into. okay. i think i can wear a real smile on my face today. its may 18th of 2022 and i am here and i deserve to be here. i love myself today and everyday

-- -- --

unfulfillment

unfulfilled

i feel the feeling of unfulfillment

i am always looking for the next thing

my next bit

something new or old enough that it feels new to fill my feeling of unfulfillment

im trying to bury a hole from the top instead of letting it fill itself in naturally

does that even happen on its own? im not sure

i feel so unfulfilled lately its funny

after half of the day of grieving over my feelings of unfulfillment i give up and laugh because theres nothing else to do

i am alone

alone and unfulfilled

what will i do next? am i fool to think that it will bring me feelings of fulfillment?

there i go again, looking to the horizon instead of whats in front of me

i feel sick

ive been sick my whole life

life isnt pretty to me right now, not for these last few days

whats happening to me?

i am being drained like a clogged sink but nothing is there to fill me back up

unfulfilled

my smiles were real today but there were not many of them

who can help me? will somebody help me?

will somebody please help me?

is it sad to ask for help? how do i help myself?

i cant ever stop thinking. its a curse.

im always tired

i nap too much and i dont want to

i feel undiagnosed

when will i feel fulfilled?

what will fill my feeling of unfulfillment and make me feel fulfilled?

its a story i must write

i know it

5/17/22

they sniff out experiences like a bloodhound. they survey each new area they enter and their intuition points them in the direction they (and all who are with them) are meant to go. they stiffen out straight, pointing with their body, and declare we should go this way and they are always right. they observe and they appreciate and despite the fact that they are only going to move according to their own compass, they walk slow. they have read many books on birds and even more on plants so they are very knowledgeable about their surroundings. they speak about these things that they have learned not as an educator, but as a person just putting words to the present. they never intend to teach even if that is always the outcome. they drop seeds when they speak, into earth and into minds, and always in places that are going to be watered. they produce no waste. they are the modern day johnny appleseed. they practice stoicism and are a very good listener which most find surprising because of their quietly strongwilled attitude towards everything. they smell like unwashed hair and fiji deodorant from old spice and people cannot get enough of it due to how well it suits them. when they move from place to place they walk briskly but not quickly, their head does not bob up and down so their vision is always focused, they never have and they never will need glasses. when they stop in their tracks friends know that something magical is about to happen and it always does. once it was a moose crossing a river which could be seen thru a very small window of shrubs, another time it was 3 consecutive shooting stars, each one picking up exactly where the other had left off, and the strangest was when they came to a halt, tilted their head up and asked do you smell that? and 3 seconds later the scent of as fresh as can be blueberry muffins filled the air, as if someone had taken them out of an industrial sized oven and bottled the scent in a firefighting plane and doused the entirety of the woods with it as it flew overhead. you cannot explain their actions, you just have to be a witness. experiences for them are the nature they are around but experiences for others is simply them

5/17/22

i am going to be misunderstood. i can still keep my integrity while being misunderstood. i dont need to come to a screeching halt in the effort of trying to change misunderstanding to understanding. some things are out of my control- many things are out of my control. i want to remember these things, these affirmations, that i tell myself so often. i am a smiley person, i want to hold on to that. its not that serious, love ♡

5/16/22

no matter what i do or where i go, the happiness seems to find me. on the days that i retreat back to my room on the second level of a busy street and draw the blinds so no one can see me cry, the happiness appears on my bed right beside me, so close our thighs touch, and offers their arm to me. when my tears hit their sleeve it begins to smell like lavender and their other arm warms me like a heat pad and i am comforted like a son, like a baby boy. the happiness is what i would call my imaginary friend when i was small, they look like bubble buddy from spongebob but they stay by my side instead of calling a cab and hightailing it when i need them the most. they wear a smile that is genuine and they whisper advice that is never unsolicited and always appreciated because it is not postured in a way to make it seem like they know more than i do. we respect each other and our conversations reflect that. i often lose sight of the happiness and begin to think that they have abandoned me, an irrational thought and one i wish were not so common, but they always appear to me in the end and they are never offended that i thought they would play with me like a toy. they know how fragile i can be better than anyone else i know, that is why no matter who is in my life nor how close they are to me for the moment they will never know me like the happiness knows me. the happiness is my breath on some days and my thoughts on others, it can take on the physical and the mental, it has superpowers i cannot comprehend but superpowers that i can surely feel. we go on walks together when the weather is nice and we watch movies when we would rather stay inside, i am always on the same page as the happiness. i look up to them and see them staring off to the horizon as if to signal to me that they must return to a place very far away, i place i could not get to on my own. i ask them where do you need to be? and they reply i need to be home and i want to take you with me. i dont hesitate for even a second before i shove my belongings into my travel bags and when i have all of my toiletries and my kitties packed up we are off, the happiness takes my hand and we soar thru the night sky, identical to the beautiful scene in the snowman. my friends, i write this from a magical place, a place no person can travel to alone, it is the the real life version of making it from middle earth to valinor and i am here, there are other people like us that roam the land, we are naked and our stomachs and hearts are always full, we dance when we want and make love more than we sleep, the happiness has siblings and they are being sent out in droves, commanded like soldiers in the military but led by love instead of fear, i have told them all about how we live and they are appalled and sympathetic, the happiness instructs them gently how to approach us and who to go to first, telling the pacifist soldiers to trust their intuition above all else because all we know are our feelings. my friends, the day is coming! prepare yourselves after youve finished reading these words because the happiness is coming and they are taking you with them and you cannot believe how quickly it will happen! drain your bank accounts for fun, run into the street and let out a shout of victory as loud as you possibly can, hoot and holler and rip off your clothes, revert to primacy and reject the conditions you know you hold on to but despise to your core! none of it matters anymore, i promise you this, im telling you now! i will be here waiting for you with open arms and a bigger grin than i once thought achievable! my friends, meet me in the land of the happiness!

5/16/22

i am in the middle of two bodies of water on a temporary island, the river is very high this year and the place i have frequented for years has become almost inaccessible. i found a portion of the path which was only covered by less than a foot of water so i took my shoes off and waded to the body of land im on now. a new and temporary island. an elderly couple walked up the ramp leading down to the shore as i came up on the entrance and i wasnt hopeful but i decided to explore anyway and now i have an island to myself- or almost to myself. a few minutes after my initial looking around i saw a couple i passed on the paved trail just 10 minutes before, now facing me on the side of the water i had just crossed. i continued to move along and let them ponder their next move- i was holding my shoes in my hand and wondered if they would do the same. i found the other end of the island in just a few minutes walk and peered through the trees and bushes to find the next section of elevated trail. it was much further down, much less accessible. i knew i was alone, that is until i set up my hammock by the water and saw the couple a couple hundred feet behind me, sitting on a bench with their shoes in their hands. i smiled on the inside. this is our island today.

i hear a bird ive never heard before and i feel like im in a different part of the world. they cry like an infant mixed with the creaking sound that trees make on extra windy days. its sunny and im shirtless and pale without sunscreen. surely i will pay the price for this later but i cant resist. everyone must get burned soon after the weather turns nice and this will check that box for me this year. this is the firs time ive come down here without drugs or alcohol and, on top of that, its willingly. i feel more present and more intentional. i feel the sadness today and im not sure why i felt compelled to come here this afternoon so i did and here i am.

i am here, two hours later, with peanut shells on my chest, two chapters further in my book, still basking in the sun like a cat. the sadness has left me and i think about all the people i love as the leaves dance in the breeze before me and ducks fly in and out of my view.

5/14/22

no matter what i do or where i go, the sadness seems to find me. i begin to feel comfortable for only a very short amount of time before i am visited by fear and fear is always followed by the sadness. i am found, in the end, every time. when i feel the sadness i wonder if this is the true sober reality and that my feelings of content are instead the exception. this thought clings to my ankles and pulls me down even deeper into the hole that the sadness digs for me, it works the night shift and will not stop until it reaches the other side of the earth, it has the perseverance of the mop from fantasia that will not stop gathering water but ive found that i drown in a different way than mickey does. it doesnt matter who is in my life nor how close they are to me for the moment, i am just the gimp to the sadness, resting on my bloody knees with a solemn grin visible behind the unzipped mask and a chain around my neck, forever and ever. the sadness tells me who to talk to and what to say, it instructs me calmly when i am allowed to interact with anyone other than itself, it is a jealous pimp and i am the bottom girl, i am loved and cherished, i am confined to someone elses reality. i have been successful in avoiding the sadness for long periods at a time but when i hear the rapping on the door, our irreplicable secret knock, i know that it was only a matter of time. you see it is a thrilling thing to take my life into my own hands and attempt abandonment but i have not felt free in a decade, when i leave i know it will find me and i can only wonder how long? i reflect on my life like the knight from the seventh seal when he enjoys fresh strawberries and milk on the hillside with new and old friends alike. i perform my own monologues of appreciation before i look over my shoulder and see the sadness waiting for me to make my next move because this game we are playing is not over and it simply must be soon. this is my final attempt in conveying the stranglehold that the sadness has on me, i will be gone when this is read by anyone who is not me or the sadness, it watches me type these very words right now, sharpening its scythe in the corner of my room as it rocks back and forth in a creaky old chair, glancing up every so often only to silently remind me that it knows what i am saying and to reaffirm that we both know there is nothing that can be done. i stare back blankly but intently to show it that i know this well too. we go back to our own tasks before it takes me by the hand once again to lead me closer to the inevitable, the reality the sadness has curated just for me, and as we step thru the doorway i am pummeled to the floor and gasping for air and the sadness just watches. if you are reading this, i am not well and i am surely gone, all i ask of you is that you acknowledge my presence and the idea that i once walked the fresh, green earth like you, i stopped to smell the roses and stood still to breathe deep and watch the nature unfold itself around me. i was here and i was present but i was sad because after it all the sadness always found me. i pray you are stronger than me

5/13/22

when i stopped walking i noticed it all. the robin caught my attention because it was walking very casually through the overgrown grass. there were many yellow dandelions and they were all the same height as this walking bird and i thought how magical it would feel to have that perspective in this moment. i wished that i could walk through a field of sunflowers all as tall as i am, and stay there as long as i wanted to. i imagined it would be a long time. i watched the robin eat some of the yellow flowers and then i noticed their friend not too far away doing the same thing. i wondered where their home was and how long theyd been in this field for. they looked so content and i felt happiness toward them and from them. my gaze loosened its focus and i noticed a bunny rabbit on the outskirts of the shrubs that began to go down to the water. they were sniffing the dirt and the sticks and it made me wonder what they were thinking about. the bunny looked so calm, and i felt glad that they felt that way, i remembered that every time i see one they are usually panicked because theyre surrounded by big loud things. not this time. it felt nice to observe these three animals doing their own thing in such close proximity to each other. surely they must know that theyre all there together? i watched the three of them for a few moments before another, smaller bird flew into the scene and disappeared very quickly into the trees above the shrubs. i didnt know the name of the type of bird but i remembered that sometimes i am merely an appreciator and i soaked in that feeling. i began to hear all the sounds around me, all at once and one at a time, and i closed my eyes and began to consciously breathe the same air as my new friends. i opened my eyes and i saw the outline of a plane present itself all over the scene i was viewing for just one moment as it eclipsed the sun behind me. i then began to hear the air being blown out by the massive massive piece of equipment and i looked up to see it just ahead of where the sound made it seem like it should be. then i heard the cars passing by and the sound of bike chains coasting. everyone must be out today sharing this beautifully warm spring afternoon. when my attention circled back i saw a cardinal, pure red, dancing from branch to branch. i smiled and looked around to see if i could share this moment with another human but saw that it would have to be another time. their wings fluttered nicely and they danced in the air, falling a little with each flutter, but picking themselves up again effortlessly and perfectly calculated. it was graceful. i thought, this is all i have to do to feel gratitude? just stop for a moment and observe and appreciate. the cardinal and i stayed still for a few moments together before i began to walk ahead again and smile to myself, sending love and wishing well to my friends around me, all that i can see and all that i cant.

when i was back on my bike i saw a person on rollerblades cruising with the form of an ice rink racer, with a very big beard and even bigger boobs. they were old and their hair was white as snow and they had equal grace as the cardinal. i came across a laid back motorcycle posse playing staying alive by the bee gees on their maxed out stereos and i saw one give an acknowledging half bow to a young person smiling at them. they were gone as quickly as they came, onward to make more people smile and feel good. i watch the runners, the walkers, the bikers, the cool-car-drivers, everybody looking so beautiful and on full display on this beautifully warm, spring afternoon. everybody seems happy and content and i feel the same. everybody emits an energy to this collective spirit and we all suck it back in and are protected by the armor of appreciation for the happy parts about being alive, even more specifically being alive around so many other things, so much other life. sometimes i appreciate so much i think im going to break down. im amazed how being in the same area for all of my 25 years has not stunted my appreciation. in fact, im sure its been heightened because of the same reason. i remember now that i am nothing, i am not my job, i am not my bank account, i am not my possessions- i am what i love and i am the energy that i feel at all times of all days. i am the embodiment of love and i am a conduit of the same thing. i am one life of countless. i am not here forever but i will graciously accept all the time i am allowed here, all the things i get to experience and feel and feel them as deeply as i can, as deeply as they get. nothing is real but my experience. i am love and that is all that i know with certainty.

5/12/22

i have been told, i have read, and i believe that fear does not exist within pure love. it is not the same relationship as oil and water or yin and yang because fear is unnecessary, there is no separation of the two in this ideal setting because there is nothing to separate- there is no boundary between them because pure love exists as the entirety. the more days i live thru the more certain i become that the golden hour of pure love can coat the world in its color at all times of all days, in fact the more days i live thru i witness the golden hour of pure love lasting longer and longer and i am confident that one day its sun will never set

i hear the constant sound of the creek below me before i even open my eyes. i realize that i must have fallen asleep in this tree branch that is as big and as comfy as a twin sized bed. the running water is not what woke me up tho, no, it is the snake that is longer than i am tall, their sound and their cool scales were like a soothing alarm as they began to make their way from my feet to my head. when i open my eyes i am met with the gaze of a monster but i am not scared because i have found pure love. i stare back with a neutral expression as my friend crawls closer to me and we are both unbothered, we are naked together atop a tree which was born long before us and which will die long after us. the snake keeps their eye contact with me as we approach the face to face level of intimacy and they end up moving right passed me as if i were an extension of the tree, of its home. they must have known i was foreign in this setting but they must have sensed my comfortability and friendship because when the last of their tail is off of my shoulder i look up behind me to see the snake looking at me with the same expression, with their tongue exiting out of its closed mouth, wiggling a few times, and then retreating. when we make eye contact for the second time they turn around and continue their pace to a different branch in the home.

i have been told, i have read, and i believe that fear does not exist alongside love. there is no place for the uncertainty and dread that fear brings when you feel the purity and clarity that is love. when i have felt love before it is a trust and it is a careless appreciation of being alive, it happens when you find the expressway of the energy of the universe and are sucked back into it like nemos dad and dori on the east australian current, being engulfed in the sound and the color and feeling the feeling that it is giving you which you find out is partly due to your own self.

5/16/22

it is a slow process to weed out the fear that exists in my life of love but i am sure that i am doing it. i am leading with love and i am getting the fear out of me. some days are harder than others but that also means that some days are easier than others. i move forward and white out the ugly smudges of fear one day at a time, until i can begin to focus less on the undesirable aspects of the piece of art i am creating and more on the progression of the representation of the idea that had me begin making this thing in the first place. i think to myself i just want to get on with it and i know that i am close. this is love and fear has no place in love. love is a gift for everyone and fear takes away that gift. fear, i am talking to you now, i respect your existence but i do not want you in my life, i wish you well on your journey and hope that you find peace, but i cannot harbor your emotion any longer

5/10/22

we were seated in an overhang section and we had a terrific view. the empty seats all around the stadium made me think that there werent many people there but when the final out was caught and the announcer told us tonights stats i learned that there were 16,000 people in attendance. i thought i must have never seen 16,000 look so small and i thought about how little i knew about anything. my favorite part of the game was getting to watch the people below me from my perch, i was happy to watch baseball again but i was even happier to watch people so easily. i felt glad and at ease to see people behaving so freely, there were so many interactions happening all at once it made me grin a big grin. i thought of the man who showed me and my elementary school friends that he could start the wave around the entire metrodome and when i watched it go around twice with my own eyes i felt as tho i had met an angel. he calmly and confidently yelled to the crowd around us his intentions and his instructions and everybody smiled and accepted them and then participated in his directions. it was like magic, he was like a conductor, bending the energy in this giant dome to his will. there were not enough people in this stadium to make the wave go around twice but the energy of every baseball game is so interestingly similar. 

--

my eyes opened from the longer than normal blink and i realized that i was doing it, i was doing the thing that is being alive. i am on a bed in a room that i call my own and my heart rate is normal with the window open and i can hear the sound of the cars passing by outside and the thoughts inside my head. im looking around and nothing is moving, its all perfectly still, nothing will move unless i move it, time isnt really a thing right now. im alive and im here and i can be here as long as i want to. my life rests in my own hands, paradoxical like the snake that eats itself or a snowglobe that contains a man holding a snowglobe of himself holding a snowglobe of himself. i dont need money right now and i dont need my phone. i dont need anything except my breath and my ideas. i dont need to intake anything and i dont actually need to output anything either, im walking on the edge between these two sides with perfect balance and i am not afraid of heights anymore. deep breath in, deep breath out, i am alive and i am here

5/7/22

little boys showing love

little boys are full of it

little boys look for validation when expressing love and when they dont see it they begin to express it in a much more shy manner until one day they receive backlash for expressing it and then they adapt and learn to hide it

until they themselves dont believe that they have it anymore

how could you not have love? its the most human thing of all

its beyond human. other animals show and express love all the time. because love is the energy and love is the life force

some boys find avenues to show love in a way that isnt outright. the name calling, the hitting, the teasing

i find that sweet as well

but i want to see boys show their love with conviction

with the same confidence that other boys shoot down love, i want to see warriors of love, pacifists who stand their ground and hold it for what would a world be without the energy that created it?

is the earth not full of love? how could we be alive this very moment if we were not loved enough to be created?

the sperm and the egg may be the reason that reiterates but it is not the foundation, it is not the backbone

i am a warrior of love but i am a man now. i wish i was a warrior back when i was a boy

i want to lead the little boys thru the pink and buoyant sea, they will follow behind me as i part it with my staff, the shepard of the new age, the renaissance of love has begun and we are the disciples, the new world does not allow treason or backstabbing to exist so we excel forward infinitely and confidently, we will gather those who we cross paths with and none will be able to turn away the invitation of love that we gift out to all strangers and friends of the world, we become a family where all voices are heard and all bodies are held and clothed, all mouths are fed and kissed, we are a unit because we have given into the most powerful spirit in the universe, the spirit of the universe: love itself. Love with a capital L

i may be a man but sometimes i remember that the feelings i had as a little boy are still present within me, they are buried deep and far away, under cobwebs and after all twists and turns, but they are there, they shine their beacons sometimes like the separated pieces of the iron giant and i feel them, the untruthful statements about love that ive learned, the unhealthy and the bad. who taught me these things? it was the little boys. my mommy taught me to love but the little boys told me not to. i think i may have missed the part where i was supposed to be in love with my little boy friends because there was mutual rejection on some level of each of ourselves so i turned to girlfriends and other non cis men and found my energy at peace there, at home. i dont think its the wrong way but i do think its created some unrealistic expectations in what i expect from other people. i am a little boy who needs reassurance and comfort. far too much. i am a little boy, i shed my mustache but i can grow it back if i want to. i am the same man i was when i wrote about that back then and i am still the same little boy who was told not to love, not with words but with actions and rejection, i am a little boy and i am alone in my love, who loves the way i do? anybody? does anybody feel love the way i do? am i wrong for loving so intensely? i think the answer is yes. love involves more than one person and if it is not reciprocated then i am wrong. why oh why do i love this way? its the little boys

little boys showing love. they are full of it and its a beautiful thing. there is nothing more pure

(sometimes i feel like a hypocrite)

...

little boys staring death in the face in the name of love

little boys thinking that they have met their end, that they have lived a good enough life to comfortably call it quits, before they have even had a chance to start

ive fallen to my knees because my heart is breaking

little boys learning lessons together that will last a lifetime and that will change the course of their lives forever. a permanent brain connection is made and there is no going back. not while in this body

little boys learning lessons together that are unspoken, that nobody wants to speak about because it is hard to because there are no words for it

one little boy side hugging the other while he cries an embarrassing but authentic cry. the little boy who is side hugging starting to cry himself because when youre small its only right, there is almost no other outcome

i am on the ground and i am in the fetal position, littler even than the little boys in my mind

i am inconsolable. i am a little boy

little boys seeking validation after their genuine expressions, before they have the ability to craft expressions to fit others needs. little boys reactions to receiving that validation

little boys figuring out the world around them, staring a little too long with their mouths hung open and sheepishly looking away when they are caught in the slow process of observing and taking it in and deciphering the new situation that they are in

little boys discovering how bodies work

little boys punching other little boys and then crying together because they both get hurt

i am being kicked in the stomach and i have no more vomit to spit up, the bile is hot and clear and i feel drunk but i have not drank a drop of liquor in my life, i am as sober as a baby, as sober as a little boy, i am confused and hurt and the bile mixes with my tears and my face is being squished into the pool of mess that ive made with my hairless body, it is the only thing between me and the concrete, it isnt very cushiony because the blood starts coming out now and i can feel the difference between all of these oozes just with the skin on my cheek. none of it stops because my face is being pushed harder into the pavement. it is relentless and i am helpless. i am confused and i am lost and i want some help but i have already determined it is only myself in the world i know. i am scared, a scared little boy

little boys wondering silently

little boys too scared to ask big questions

little boys searching for answers and getting kicked out of the computer lab

little boys sticking up for their fathers even when they are not kind fathers

can love ever really be completely erased from a little boy? it cant be so...

little boys chasing each other and tackling each other and wrestling and jumping and turning play fights into real fights and then being mad at each other, hating each other, for a few days before teasing each other and becoming friends again

little boys will be little boys

i have given up, my body has left me and i am paralyzed from the top of my head down, i was beaten to a pulp and i am being mopped up by the janitor, squeezed into the bucket and dumped down the drain. i am free now, free from the fears and confusion of what it means to be a little boy, the confusion, oh my god the confusion, i am free from the hell that is the confusion and i emerge a little calmer

a little calmer and with a deeper voice. i am gentle with hair on my body

how much damage was caused? and by who?

regardless, here i have emerged and here i am...

5/6/22

today i woke up in a dull state and when i went to the bathroom and looked myself in the mirror there was no smile. i looked at my facial hair and my glasses and my lips and then i stared into my eyes. i felt regret and content at the same time, they did not cancel each other out, i felt them fully. i remembered the words that i said last night before i had to leave for my closing shift, the words that were unfair and the words that need follow up words to convey the accurate message. but i had to go. so the message was not received and i knew i had hurt her feelings. i walked away from her door and said "what the fuck just happened" because the feeling in me at that moment and the feeling in me when i was in the middle of saying those things was not a good one. it was not a release, it felt like a bunch of garbage, my own personal trash, that i subjected her to. my eyes looked sad in the mirror. what message was it that i was even trying to convey? i thought to myself. it wasnt until a few moments later when i was talking to my best friend about it that i realized i vomited my insecurities onto her and covered her with the garbage and i still hadnt gotten rid of it myself. they said "it sounds like a you problem. it sounds like youre insecure" and i stopped thinking and sat back in my chair and said "oh my god i think youre right". i felt so dumb. i still feel dumb. i hurt my loves feelings and said i dont feel fulfilled because im not addressing some of the most important parts of myself that need addressing. i wanted to cry. i asked her if i could hug her goodbye and she said no, not tonight. i wouldnt have wanted to hug me either. the garbage needed to come out but i didnt have to involve her. and i still have more to go. today after i looked in the mirror and talked with my best friend i decided that i need to look within myself at the mirror in my heart before involving other people in my hurt emotions. it isnt fair to them and it makes me feel much worse. sometimes i think i have different personalities but i think its just because i feel emotions so intensely. i feel like a devil and angel exist on the shoulders of my mind but neither of them are good or bad, they are just very intense in making me feel things. i want to become stronger. this afternoon i got my oil changed and after that i got gas and a car wash and i went to the bathroom in the holiday and put a sticker on the toilet paper holder. then i stopped at a high school i played a few baseball games at when i was in high school and watched the kids practice while i stood beyond right field in my blue pants and jean jacket and drank my apricot la croix. i watched them chirp each other and goof around while supporting their progress. i thought about how long its been since ive seen boyhood love and it was a wonderful thing. i felt present. i wanted to hear from my love but i had sent her an apology earlier and i didnt expect anything so i didnt check my phone on purpose. she messaged me and we are meeting up in 30 minutes to talk about how i hurt her. i love her and i want to move forward together in a healthy way. no more insecurities ruining relationships. i am so confident sometimes, most of the time, and other times i am the opposite. other times i feel small and embarrassed and like a stupid boy who hasnt learned how to love. but i do know how to love. i am just susceptible to the way in which i used to view love still. im still unlearning and its hard but i want to get better, so desperately i want to get better. and i think that i am. i know that i am, friend. its all a learning experience and its hard to be intimate with people sometimes. the reason i felt content when i was sad in the mirror was because what i had said last night needed to be addressed and i knew that i was stepping in the right direction. the regret was because it involved hurting my favorite person, but the content is valuable as well. these were projections and not based in reality but the genesis of the words was based in something slimy and smelly and gross that festers in myself and floats like buoys in a harbor, like bombs in the ocean that explode on impact and make me think that they are because of someone else. but silly me was putting all my eggs in another persons basket. that isnt good for anyone. i hold myself with love and kindness always but i can still be too hard on myself while leading with this and today i realized that. so i want to leave on that note and go talk to my love and see where we can go from here. whatever happens is the result of my own actions and i acknowledge that. it is a lesson learned and a step in the process of always becoming a better person, a better man, a better lover and a better human being and energy sharer. its all me and its all love

5/5/22

you wriggled around and told me you were confused and i thought im a little confused too but i think its because we were both just asleep and part of our brains are still dreaming. i didnt know what woke us up but we came back to my dark bedroom at the exact same time. last week i was inside of you and you told me you were about to cum as you grinded your hips against mine while you were on top of me and that was the final boost i needed to cum inside of you while you were cumming on top of me and i thought of this and how we must just have good timing together because these are things that you cant plan for. we stayed half awake as you kept moving about and taking off pieces of your clothes and saying that you were confused. you told me im taking off my underwear but i dont want to do anything and i said okay and i thought me neither, im so tired. then you kissed me in your confusion and our tongues danced together in our one mouth and i became confused in my head and just below my waist. we started grabbing each other aggressively and touching and holding private parts until i asked you if you wanted to fuck and you said only if you want to and in my confusion i knew that i wanted to much much more than i wanted to go back to bed. we came together again at 3:45 in the morning and you said i feel much more grounded and i said me too.

in the morning i decided to stop smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol and caffeine. there is a new desire in me to be healthy, for myself and for the interactions i have everyday. when i faced the reality of maybe having to force myself to be sober again i straightened my back and stiffened my lip and owned it which was something that i did not do when i was sober before. i dont want to feel like im missing out when im around my friends or strangers doing these things and i dont think i will now, i will smile and nod and say no thank you when im offered them and i will be happy with myself because in these situations i will remain my best self for me and those around me. i am bowing out of self indulgence and convincing myself that life is too much to live and that i cant handle it with the body i was given, i am waving goodbye to the train that the old me would ride and i am walking away from the station to go home to my comfort and to plant my roots and begin composing my ideas together and determining how to implement them into my lived experience in which i interact with the world every moment of everyday

i think ive been sick my whole life but when i stopped taking my medicine i felt fine

the buzzing sound was gone and i lived in clarity

i breathed thru my nose and felt the wind on my skin and i got goosebumps

i moved my toes one by one and the blades of grass between them felt cool and damp and wonderful

i fell to the ground on my back and i stretched out like a starfish and my limbs grew tall and long

there was no stopping them

i became a giant and people marveled at me as i walked with grace and love

they smiled at me and i smiled at them

we smiled at each other without words and we felt the sun together and how good it feels to be alive

to live

5/2/22

the moss surrounds me but hopefully it will be a long time before it encompasses me- we all return to the moss at some point. everywhere i look i see moss and i think that its so pretty. i reach out to the old and giant tree thats next to me and i put my hand on the moss and i press forward gently but hard enough for my hand to be slightly submerged by it. now i am partially encompassed by it. i squish this damp blanket like i would a breast, with care and love, with appreciation. my eyes slowly crawl up the trunk until my gaze points up at the blue sky with no clouds and i see a bird flying atop the treeline and when i lose it behind one of the treetops it comes out on the other side as an airplane. i think about how little i know about anything. right now i feel like the only things i need are my breath and my body and the world around me. i dont need to know anything else, do i? my attention moves again to the moss covered tree im touching and i think the words "thank you, mother". then i say them out loud. i speak them into the world i am a part of and give them life. at that moment i feel the moss squeeze my hand back, softly, like when you are providing a friend unspoken comfort instead of introducing yourself to a stranger. i may not have ever touched this mossy tree before but we are not strangers- a reality does not exist where we are strangers with the lungs of the earth. i smile to the top of the tree and i imagine a face on the other side of it, underneath the leaves at the top of it that look like curly hair, and a smile returned. its like when you can feel someone looking at you and when you turn around they are looking at you- my friend is the one with the power and they do not turn around in this situation but i know we are smiling at each other and thats all the two of us need. one time not very long ago i told my friend how silly of a question "if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" is and the thought pops into my head again and i start to think how silly it is all over again. i can feel the trees head nodding in agreement and feel empathy for how the tree must feel knowing that human thought is so human that it acts as if humans with bodies are the only living things on the planet. i squeeze the moss to provide unspoken comfort to my friend and i feel a mutual respect and admiration. the moss really is everywhere. its damp and its brisk in this rainforest and the sunlight highlights all different shades of green, probably the most ive ever seen at one time. i hear the sounds of birds and airplanes mixing together and im reminded of how little i know about anything. the trees sway in the breeze and the wood creaks and i wonder if theyre speaking to me in a language i cant understand so my attention goes again to the moss that encompasses part of my hand and i close my eyes and i feel love entering thru my fingertips. its warm and its happy and im sure that its love. i speak out loud, "i love you too" and the breeze stops. on my way to this patch of moss on this tree i saw more moss which had grown over human made things like bricks and steps. it always finds a way. i am so impressed with how life, which is what im standing in the middle of right now, will always find its way to continue to grow and express. thats all i want to do and i feel very strongly that as ive continued to learn how to do that more, to become a better friend and to master my love and express that to the world im in, i have a much deeper connection with the green life that is always around me. the connection continues to grow just as i do. we do it together. i think about how even when its cloudy that doesnt mean the sky isnt blue anymore it just means that i have to trust that it still is, that it will return blue when the clouds leave for the day. the tree with the moss on it and i give another hand hug to each other as old friends and family members do before i continue to follow the thin river downstream. i walk with my gaze pointed slightly higher than eye level and i look at all of the moss that surrounds me

4/29/22

the man with the "make racists afraid again" hat reluctantly let our friend in after they forgot their ID and then kicked them out after they broke his made up rule. he grabbed them by the wrist and called them a liar. the man with the "make racists afraid again" hat left me dumbfounded and depressed, as if behind his mask he had somehow sucked out all the oxygen i was holding in my body. our friend spoke calmly as we were being herded to the entrance and with tears in their eyes they told us this is whats happening and this is what im going to do as if they were viewing a situation objectively, from a birds eye view, unbiased and emotionless, saying ahhhhh, i see whats happening hear, even tho it really was happening to them in the present moment. the security guards watched our friend exit the building and left the two of us standing alone at the entrance looking at each other confused and fuming and sad so they could run around to chase more people for breaking made up rules, like they were in battle, like they were pigs, like the people that they are targeting arent people anymore. the man with the "make racists afraid again" hat sucked the joy our of a night i had been looking forward to for two years and left me with a frown on my face. you said imagine being defined by a job and i nodded in agreement. i thought "who are you doing this for sir?" because it cant be argued that its for anyone other than yourself, a little escapade to fulfill a hole that you created within you which nobody asked you to do because nobody would want or deserves to be treated in such a manner that is repeating the same sentence over and over, increasingly monotone and compassionless, like the person asking why this is happening to them is now just a nuisance to you rather than a liability. the man with the "make racists afraid again" hat is a hypocrite. we walked back into the crowd squeezing our held hands tight to communicate our resentment towards this place and the man with the "make racists afraid again" hat without needing to put in any energy for talking because it was sucked out of us by the man with the "make racists afraid again" hat from behind his mask. i eventually retreated to the bar to order a beer and watch one of my favorite artists from the sidelines. i thought of our friend and sent them love

---

i said "i think i need to cry" and before i knew it my breaths became slower and the tears rolled from my eyes to my chin. i felt hollow and misaligned and i was reminded of my dark years. i thought i was out of those but i guess i discovered you can always fall back into it if youre not more careful. i felt regret but not shame, i appreciated this feeling that makes me feel like id rather be dead because it is still a feeling that my body produced and therefore a part of me and something that deserves acknowledgement and respect, not rejection. i cant kid myself, ive never known how

sometimes the words that come out of my mouth scare me but i know they must be released from within and given life in the form of speech, to acknowledge and respect, to validate their truth and to be told "i do not want you here. you are real and i am real but i do not appreciate you being here and making me feel so fragile, like i could be knocked over by the breeze and smash into hundreds of small pieces". the words look back at you and cock their head to one side like a dog trying to figure out what its looking at before turning away from you and wandering off to explore and grow themselves. when i watched them go i looked around slowly in disbelief that it worked and i began to feel comfortable being taken wherever it is i am going, as if i was plopped down in the ocean on a life raft and kicked my feet up to let the current do its thing because i was that confident i would be okay- and i see land already. 

"land ho!" i shout to myself. i begin to cackle and stomp my feet in my state of glee and look around to see if anyone else is there to be impressed with me but its still just the ocean in my company. but im also happy to be just the two of us. i look up in the sky with no clouds, only the midday sun and i see dragons waving to me and i put my hand above my eyebrows to get a clearer view and i realize that they were the words i gave life to. we are both so much happier to be away from each other

4/26/22

they said "that kind of tustll get you killed!"

i told them "id rather die than live in fear

"how else will you ever feel fulfilled?"

every body deserves to feel its beauty

5/19/22

they warned him "that type of trust will get you killed"

he responded "well friend its all that makes me feel fulfilled"

"how can you assume that they hold your best interest?"

"its a belief friend, and its one i take quite serious"

they scoffed and moved their head in a disapproving way

so he added "i may die tomorrow, but i did not die today"

4/24/22

i met a man who worked one job his whole life

i wondered if he had any kids or if he had a wife

all i knew was that he was a parking attendant

without any health benefits or security pension

he told me he made figurines in his free time

i figured it was a hobby that didnt pay a dime

but the things that bring us joy often dont

the things we like dont usually need a loan

i started to respect his specific journey

and admire his dedication to not being in a hurry

an example of living free from the pressures

that cloud our actions and impede on our leisure

i thought, you really dont need that much to get by

if you have passions that put a glint in your eye

i watched him during our shift together

and saw him do what hes been doing forever

he taught me the way he does his tasks

he taught me so well i never needed to ask

any questions or follow up comments

and i started to notice what we had in common

we are two people content with the mundane

decades apart but sharing the day

doing what needs to get done to survive

never losing sight of our own personal highs

who could give a shit about letting cars in a ramp?

at night in the winter in a box with a lamp

i refuse to believe that a job is what its is about

its the things you wake up for that cast away doubt

of wanting to leave early because you cant take the pain

of another day spent in the horribly mundane

its the balance you find thats truly the key

careful to not take an occupation too seriously

at the end of the day, if the moneys enough,

there is no sacrifice worth the pursuit of more stuff

so to the man who first showed me this valuable lesson

a regular day for you, to me a true blessing

whose name ive forgot and whose face i cant see

thank you. i hope youre still making your figurines

4/23/22

"my neck is a little sore, would you rub it? right there, yeah. hard"

she says to him. shes laying on her stomach in the bed that they share for half of the week and the only thing she has on is the morning sunlight. this is the most grateful hes been to have a window that faces east, he thinks- for this exact moment. after this he thinks in his mind

"well of course your neck is sore- you have the weight of the world on your shoulders"

and she holds it willingly. she asked him once if he loves everyone and he responded no. she paused a moment and when he didnt ask her back she gave him her own response anyway: "i think i am in love with everyone" and he was struck with the emotional arrow that hits you right in the spine and gives you shivers all over like an internal earthquake. another moment that adds to the overall admiration and respect he holds for her. how much more can it hold? he would bet a lot

he stares at her because hes in love with her but he also stares at her because she fills him with wonder. her eyes stay closed and her lips part just the tiniest bit before her breathing becomes slower. hes massaged her into the first morning nap and he feels calm knowing he can stare as long as he likes. he rubs her back gently with the tips of his fingers just like his mother used to do to him- there isnt a better sensation in the world

he wants to write her a poem so he thinks of the words and they go:

of course your neck is sore honey

you hold more love than anyone else alive

of course your back is knotted up babe

you wake up every morning and you try and try and try

your feet are tired and your eyes are heavy

you fall asleep wherever you can relax

your body runs so close to empty

you hand out love without expecting any back

there are sparkles in your footprints

in the soft earth made by your soft steps

i see this and know that youll continue to share it

until it really is all that you have left

for love is the life force and love is the reason

to hold hope and be happy enough

to stay patient and stay calm and stay caring

to never shut the door on building up trust

you reminded me what hope was sweetie

it was you who asked what i was hopeful for

i dont remember the answer i gave to you at the time

but since then i havent thought about a question more

this feeling hes manufactured takes over for a moment and he stops rubbing his fingertips across the skin on her back and instead thinks of how now when he walks out of his front door in the morning all he can see is people trying. he sees them trying to enjoy nature and exercise and the small interactions that you have when you walk passed someone else on the same sidewalk, just going the opposite way. now he hears birds singing their songs to each other at all times of the day and he cant believe that its merely a coincidence. hes found himself talking with more strangers in a gentle way and they are receptive of this. now hes looking at the world in a slightly different way. he thinks, yes, it is different, but its also advanced. advanced, yes, but "evolved" is an even better descriptor

his gaze had drifted to the window and stayed on the building across the street. he looks back down at his sleeping friend and he smiles to the side of her face with the parted lips. he lays down beside her and breathes a deep breath in and then breathes out a long exhale. he wants to tell her how much he loves her but shes asleep and he doesnt want to wake her up because he knows how precious it is to her- she gets it when she can. so he waits next to her and thinks in his head for the words he would tell her if she was awake and he wasnt embarrassed about being too corny. these ones go:

its your eyes and your hair

its your lips and your blinks

its your waist and your style

and your quick, loving winks

i knew id love you before we met

when i only knew about you

and now i know that i was right

my intuition always proves true

4/23/22

he said "that trustll get you killed". he said "without that trust how could you feel fulfilled?"

i changed the channel today. its been 3 months since ive done that. an entire seasons worth. the snow tipped mountains are replaced by the orange sun setting behind the endless ocean and i feel warm again, the suns rays have penetrated the screen and found a home in my body and i wonder where on earth the sun is setting right now and whos watching it. i send them love in a quick spurt of energy

4/22/22

yes...you know, i think its finally here. it is. its a feeling and i feel it.

my personal renaissance has begun, this i already knew, but i had yet to feel alignment. and i think i now do. thinking back on my recent actions and mindset changes, both abandoning things i no longer want to continue and giving into the things that i have always known were very important to me, i am here. ive arrived in a calm state of mind, just as a i was meant to, just how it was always going to happen

money does not mean as much to me because its not real and the alignment package i have received in the mail today included this idea. you know when you know something is true but you dont feel it yet? the package i got in the mail today was all of these feelings. this is why its finally here

i want to be a better friend

i want to master my love

i will be a better friend and i will master my love

goals without finish lines

acknowledging that there is not a final product to strive for

because the process of striving towards something so meaningful is the entire point

and in this process you will be succeeding

constant, perpetual success

not a one-point-in-time type of success but a light and warm blanket over your timeline

4/20/22

he had described her as motherly before he even knew how true that feeling was. he was convinced hed never met anyone with a bigger heart, at first it was offputting

4/13/22

i want so much with you

i feel like a puppy on a leash, through no fault of your own

i pull back fast. i dont want to with you

were at such different points in our lives, youre busy, im not, thats what makes it hard for me

ive put off this talk before but i just gotta have it

i love you

i need to know how you feel

i have doubts about this but i feel like thats just because of the echoing in my head

i need more

i dont stick around if it isnt in my best interest

this is not an ultimatum, i want this to work so bad

its not jealousy its not possessiveness its just me knowing what i need

i think the biggest thing is just the uncertainty

the situation with b**** just makes this harder

i only want you

i need to feel special

i need to know what you want

i need to be on the same page as you

i need validation (honestly)

i need reciprocity

i need to know that im working towards something that is possible

i dont want to have a relationship with anyone i dont see a potential long future with

i worry that you cant give me what i need

i dont want to play around, i dont want to play with blame or guilt or anything of the sort, i just need to know certain things

i have needs and you have needs but im certain we were meant to try this out

i feel enough when im with you, its when im not that i get moody

i cant wait around, but im flexible. i dont expect anything from you but i just need to know where youre at

i think i always want to fall in love...and i found it with you

i feel like i understand how you feel about relationships- you dont want to sacrifice independence, you dont want codependence, etc. and i understand. i dont want that either but i want a pledge of love. and i do want monogamy. and i want these things with you. i feel like we can find the middle ground. i want to be mindful of this and not be too much for you, but there comes a point were i need to bring it up so i can assess how i want to move forward, in my actions but more importantly my mindset. i wish i could be more go with the flow, chill, see where it takes us sometimes, but honestly i like that i am this way because its all intentional and i dont let myself be confused for too long. i dont pretend like things are fine with me if i dont feel that way. i just feel very intentional with you

i dont wanna hang with friends like you do. i dont really wanna go to parties. i wanna spend time with small groups and someone special

i want to feel secure

i know we arent a couple but it feels like we are- this is why im dissatisfied

4/10/22

we continued on in silence in the middle of the prairie that had only just been exposed by the melted snow. it looked dead and dry but we knew that it wasnt, we knew that it was going to come back very soon with good smells and bright colors. we said this earlier but we werent saying anything now so i began to think about how happy i felt in your company and how happy i have been to see my feelings for you find their footing and not feel so unstable. it allows me to see a future with you, like the first glint of light when you are near the end of a curvy tunnel, it only grows larger as you progress thru until one moment it happens and you suddenly exist in the light. there is no one point of light anymore because it lives all around you. we have begun to create a very special thing together, but i was scared for the times when i felt my heart falling out of my chest because it made me wonder if maybe we werent that compatible after all, like the percentages of our matchmaking were too high and therefore above the sweet spot. but i am learning to settle down and see and feel what we have for what it is rather than a projection on my end. it takes two to love and i tend to remain focused on my own end for too long at times. it is a fault of mine but i fault i recognize. i am calmer with you now and this pushes me to love you even more dearly. this is a moment i could live in forever and one i will revisit often when i die and find myself in the library of my memories. it is a moment that convinced me that maybe we really could live out the fantasies that play inside of my head when i think about what i want with you. you, the real life angel

4/10/22

he was driving on the interstate and the sun was at his back so his cars shadow was always directly in front of him no matter how fast he went. there was ab ridge above the interstate that was helping a father and son get across- the father with the dog and the son on his bike. they passed by in slow motion as the driver felt like he was watching a memory in his own head of his own life. the man glowed bright in a wanting gibous and a plane flew straight across it. it was too good to be true. isnt it always? just being alive?

---

to speak to someone openly is to trust them. there must be some level of trust in opening up to someone and the more trust you feel the more you allow yourself to open up. people have different thresholds for trust and when they are able to feel it- some trust very willingly, some do not. regardless, it is a necessary aspect of dialogue, specifically in creating the changed world you wish to see. there is always going to be that period of time where the two of you approach each other slowly while watching the others actions very carefully, you speak to each other in short sentences and without revealing exactly what it is your intentions or true feelings are because there is not that trust yet. you are two cats hissing at each other but not because you are scared, it is only a defense mechanism and you both know that. but the very nature of approaching someone else slowly implies some sort of trust, or at the very least, a hope that that trust can find itself along the way wherever it is that you take it. to trust is to have hope and to have hope is to love people inherently. to love is to feel emotions fully. the more emotional you are the more you are able to love and this is always a good thing. in a perfect world, everyone would act and move in good faith, but its hard to blame people for not acting in good faith all of the time because of their own specific circumstances that are the realest thing that they have ever known and something that you will never know fully. to find people to trust and build communities and knowledge around must happen after each individual has transcended on their own time, you must meet on the next level because solidarity can only go so far if you are tied to the reality that the bads of the world happen in. you must transcend and be calm and observant but passionate and emotional. you are not concerned whether or not things that have happened are good or bad, you simply look to find out why it is that they happened and how you can prevent or perpetuate them further. there must be a trust in yourself that you are operating in good faith, that your ego is under control entirely, almost non existent, but still holding on to enough that qualifies you as being human. you do not care to let people know that you know something that they dont and you are not concerned with changing your mind on the spot or feeling silly for not knowing something before and having to justify your lack of knowledge or pretend that you were misinterpreted when you were not. there is no shame in the trust that is necessary and nobody dwells on your character because of something you have said and you dont dwell on anyone elses because you all know that you are there to become better people, you have differences, of course, but the goal is broad enough that it captures the vast majority of people under its wings with enough room for the differences to all still keep flying in the same direction.

---

no more cringe! no more cringe! i am not the gatekeeper and i dont believe that gatekeepers exist, who am i to determine what someone else has created as genuine or not and what does my consensus matter anyway? its a tiring process to be critical, the judge jury and executioner in a hypothetical courtroom, the verdict in my mind ultimately adding nothing to the good of the world, in fact only detracting from it, i continue to refuse this method of thinking in my practice of becoming the man that i want to be. i hope to be a benefit, a supporter, a pusher for those who are timid in their creations, take some of my confidence with you please and keep on keeping on in your journey of expression and discovery. people need people to be inspired and i want to be an inspirer as well as an appreciator, i want to take the plug out of the spigot and chisel away at the dam that blocks the flow of ideas and wonder, i want the pressure from the buildup to release and for us all to breathe a crisp breath of oxygen followed by yips and yells of excitement in seeing the energy we can live off of for an eternity, the constant cycle of recycling ideas and in turn coming up with new ones. smiling in support, the parent in the audience with their thumb up on one hand and a camcorder in the other, making their family feel supported and comfortable instead of rolling my eyes and averting my attention to the dull and boring and negative monotony of the everyday. yes! feel the idea! express it to the world and open your door for others to walk thru if they want to, you hold no keys except for your own and thats that. no more cringe! no more cringe! no more cringe!

---

i see an immense power before us. the anger today shows that the violation of a human right to half of the population will not be accepted quietly. there are people who are upset that have not been upset before and although i am in a position on the outside of this situation i would hope that these people are able to express their sadness and vent their frustration without only being told that they must think of other people less privileged than themselves. they must hear this, but how could it be right now? how can those who have been able to coast for this long be expected to think about others the moment they have discovered the reality that they have not been cared about either? i say to these people who have had the blinders ripped from their faces: be upset and feel selfish for the moment but this cannot and will not be the extent of your very real emotions or else it was not justifiable in the way that you are trying to present it as. when has this happened before in our lifetimes, where half of the population is directly attacked, tearing off a level of security and leaving them more naked in a world which already does all it can to keep them lesser? a world which supplies half of the creation of life but which does not bear it and then says there is no other way, you must have this child, lets hope they have a penis. when has this happened before in our lifetimes that we are as connected as we are and we have so many people outraged and furious? is the perpetual attack on everyone with a vagina not the longest waged war in human history? does it not encompass the largest amount of people who are routinely oppressed? of course there are blatant and more complicated differences the further along an identity goes but stop at the very first step this time and see the unity in this frustration. after the breaths are deep again, will there be any benefit to having fought with people who are also upset for the same root reason that you are upset? there cannot be anger towards these people, there will be frustration and that is understandable and valid but how will the growing consciousness grow if they are told that their feelings still dont matter? i struggle to word this without feeling like im saying i am not affected by this tragic act of violence but here's what you should do anyway and i apologize deeply if that's all you hear from me but this is what i see. i am not pleading for you to listen but i would like it if you did because i will listen back. there is a need for everyone to be willing to work with each other, to look back and extend your hand thru the doorway and say yup, its fucked up, its been fucked up, many people have had it much harder than you for as long as time but your feelings are still valid, now is the time where you should do more listening but come with me and try and keep up and the person who grabs the hand thru the doorway to wipe the tears from their eyes and nod in agreement because you are fighting the same fight. and if you aren't, if you can't picture yourself in either of these two roles, then i believe that you should try. the world cannot change without a massive amount of people. a massive amount of people cannot exist without an understanding that people travel at different paces and a number of people being willing to be more patient and take time to catch these people up, these people who are thinking things for the first time that you have thought for much longer but once thought for the first time as well. these people will likely be the less oppressed groups of people or simply the people who have had the fortunate reality of little to no adversity. these roles must be filled and those who have experienced the most adversity will likely need to be vocalized the most- for who could know "whats wrong with the world" more so than them, the people who had their blinders forcibly removed long ago or perhaps were never even given a pair? i see an immense power before us. when has there been such a large and furious group of people who are directly affected by a bang of the gavel with the potential to be so connected? a group of people willing to fight and be loud for the sake of bettering life, not being forced to birth a new one into an almost irreparably damaged world. i see an immense power before us

---

when it comes to creation i cannot be convinced that quality outweighs quantity. there are many things that have taken many months to finalize that do not move me the same way that one sentence i overhear from a stranger crossing my path does. i would rather have one million pieces for every different person to dig thru and lightbulbs popping up all over the place than one work that is regarded as "high quality". every time i speak there is gold shooting from my mouth and every time i listen to another person, even without them knowing, i am receiving gold thru my ears. i want to talk about everything with everybody every moment of every day, the world is simply an enormous pool of ideas and thoughts, swirling in a tornado down the drain, the drain being routed back to the spout which provides the pool with water in the first place. reused and recycled and reimagined. nothing is static so why would i spend all of my time living in a vacuum and creating something that is cement? cement doesnt float. i want to create without editing, i want to portray my stream of consciousness and present it to you, asking what do you think of this, please tell me, both of us with the understanding that these are not my rigid beliefs carved into stone but my thoughts about something like a new baby who cannot walk. yes of course it is necessary to spend time on something to present it in a more accurate way (otherwise the point of sharing and communication is muddied with lack of clarity) but i dont believe that is has to be more than a few moments. i gather my thoughts as quickly as i can clean my room, they are never messy enough for it to take more than just those few moments. if you are not me and your room is filthy then i beg you to talk thru your cleaning process in real time! if you tell me that you will talk to me once your room is clean that hypothetical conversation will never happen because cleaning filth takes a long time and we are surely to get distracted, or at least moved on to bigger and better and more present things. the people i respect the most in the entire world are the people who continue to do things. despite it all, they continue to create, to share, not opposed to outside opinions in fact often times embracing and learning from them, but they never ever ever veer from their original goal of saying something over and over and over and over again for people to listen to them. they continue to continue. there are exceptions to this just as there are exceptions to everything but until the day i die i will never again believe that as a rule of thumb quantity > quality because i do not believe it. i believe the opposite

4/8/22

i didnt think id ever see you again. now that i remember, i realized thats how i felt. if you were to have walked passed me i wouldnt have even noticed you. maybe you have before, i just never knew. how could i? we lost each other somewhere along the way in the confusion of growing up and i forgot about you. im embarrassed to say it but its true and i cant tell a lie, no matter how insignificant. most days i believe it to be a gift but somedays it feels like a curse. but it doesnt feel like a curse right now. it feels good to tell you something im embarrassed about and hope that we can be humbled by each other again now. it wasnt until i locked eyes with you that i remembered the energy we created, like raven when shes having a vision, it took control and allowed no other stimuli a chance to impact my body for a moment- i had succumb once again. with more intensity than any orgasm we ever shared the scent of our love returned and i felt faint before coming back to our hands touching but then we touched hands and the feeling came back even harder and it reminded me of being on a swingset and how you can always seem to swing just a little bit higher until youre beyond the apex and the chains no longer fully extended and you plummet for a moment before finding the curve of your trajectory again. i was a fool to think that anyone would ever make me feel the way that you have and apparently continue to do. now i believe that i forced myself to forget about you but im not sure how because i dont know why i would ever have wanted to do that and this is not eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. in fact the only emotion i feel right now is confused, but i decide to not pay it any more mind because i am an old man and thinking too hard about something is not something i enjoy doing anymore. old men like me cant swing on swingsets anymore, but baby i would try to get my highest if it meant i could be in your company again. you loved me right? i finally remember that it was you who i would tell that i loved even tho i never heard it back from you once. but i didnt need it back then. i do now, but not then. it was okay. i felt it from you and thats more important. feelings are always more important than words. i have told that story to so many people over the decades and i had forgotten who it was with until right now. i can actually put a face to the story and that makes me feel deeply fulfilled. i wish we still had time to explore our full potential. if you could turn back the clock, would you? it doesnt even have to be for us. you are your own person and you dont owe anybody anything, especially me. but in this present circumstance i suspect you would say yes. is there any pleasure in your life anymore? you dont have to answer that if you dont want to. oh i hate to have made this connection with you again in such a morbid way. if i could turn back the clock i would, to the moment that we met, and i would have kept my eyes fixed on you the entire time. my emotion looks like a teenager talking on the phone and laying on their stomach in their bed with one hand under their chin to prop up their head and the swinging, back and forth legs that bend at the knees and keep their feet above their head. its 100% intentional and its 100% carefree. its 200% love. for the rest of my short time left in this life i will fantasize about what could have been between you and me. it will be the first perpetual dream of many that will begin to guide me into the next stage of my soul, slowly but surely removing me from the world that we are presently interacting in. how many perpetual dreams do you have already? oh i wish i would have been able to see you sooner. but this is not about me, we are all here for you to feel comfortable and tell you that its okay to let go. in the next life maybe we will meet first and never lose sight of what could have been. they will write love stories about us and at the end of our next lives when they all want to know how we have done it, how we have lived a full and complete life made of pure love, we will tilt our heads back and laugh a bit before looking at each other and smiling and then responding "we couldnt tell you because we dont know. it felt just right and it kept on feeling right". a love like this doesnt make sense and i dont think its supposed to. meet me at our spot when you leave here today and wait for me. i will come to you soon, i just have a little bit left here to do. its okay. you can let go. we found each other twice in this lifetime but in the next one it will only need to be once. i promise. its okay. i love you now and i have always loved you the same amount even when i forgot what your face looked like. feelings are bigger than people. even you, an angel, a real life angel

4/7/22

no more ownership! no more focus on things outside of myself! i can only control my own actions and therefore i can control my emotions, i can appreciate what happens to me and outside of me as i can avoid those things. i always have my autonomy, this is an objective truth and it goes for everybody and i would also like to always remember that as well. i can also feel neutral about things that happen outside of me and simply experience them, relaxed, with a soft smile on my face. appreciating the gift of life happening all around me, all of the time, always. my emotions are my own and i love letting people influence me but i would like to be sable and predictable in my moods. i anticipate bad things and i dont like that, i dont want to attract those bad things, i can expect good things to happen without being unrealistic, that is okay for me to do. i love myself so much and this is all good practice in proving that to me!

4/6/22

i wake up sad most mornings

i walk around with a glazed look to the world around me because im stuck staring into my head

about you

i dont feel like a priority

i do feel crazy

i have doubts

but im certain we were meant to try this out

i go from extreme happiness to extreme sadness and its fucked up and unhealthy and i cant take it anymore

i love too hard, i know

i need to know what you want from me. what do you expect from me? do you love me?

ive walked away from people before in similar situations and im afraid ill do the same to you

im your puppet. you control me.

i know exactly what i want and ill tell you right now if you want to hear it

i dont want to change you

im a boy, i need validation

i need security. ive spent too long feeling unstable and i cant do it anymore

(i was explicitly thinking of the word express when i turned to the tv and the word express was in bright colors and took up the screen)

i know some of this sounds unfair and i realize reality but allow me to be selfish for a moment and tell you all the things that i only to talk myself with

ive been trying not to bring it up because youre busy

youve got me all the way fucked up

is this hard for you? how one-sided is this?

im not satisfied. i can wait, but i need reassurance. i cant torture myself. even in our happiest moments i sometimes feel like its incomplete

it scares me when you say youre always busy. i wonder if ill only be able to see you on your time. i cant really live like that

i dont feel enough from you

do you even have time to think about us? i have nothing but. and thats the problem

i feel like im holding on to this secret and it only gets worse in my head and before i drive myself away i need to talk to you about it because its the only way to maybe make it better

i know this is dramatic and probably unrealistic but these are the thoughts in my head

4/6/22

my friend told me that i love too hard i said i know i do

my heart stays on my sleeves like i have nothing to lose

and if i was asked what i needed, to tell the truth

id tell whoever it is that all i need is you

they say the bigger they are the harder they fall

especially for lovers, it affects us all

we dont ever learn our lessons, no matter how small

so we get back up and love again like fuck it we ball

she calls me a thief because im always stealing kisses

but as soon as she leaves the car i just hope its me that she misses

and after it all, despite her little teases and sneak disses

i can feel her smiling at me while im just minding my business

i told her i like her so much that im sure that its love

like the feeling i carry with me now was sent from above

and i just want her to know that when push comes to shove

i would go sober forever if i could just keep this one drug

its such a terribly silly thing to fall in love

to drown in the excess of kisses and hugs

so all i can do now is look up and shrug

and laugh and feel glad that my hearts being tugged

4/5/22

yeah no ive been good bro, thank you. ive been great actually. im in a moment in my life where things are so exciting and new and i feel a lot all the time, which i love, but its so much sometimes. it feels like im on this long roller coaster ride that i know is fun but my mind tends to wander about what loop is coming next and it makes me a little anxious. but i got on willingly, i knew what i was getting into and its always going in the right direction because roller coasters only go one way, but im excited to get off of it and to settle into a new chapter where im able to reflect on the ride instead of going thru it. and its all because of her. all of it! i was talking to a friend the other day and i was telling her about the situation im in and she told me "yeah you do love hard right away" and i sat back and said "i do, dont i?" but when i told her that this new person in my life is full of love she said that sounds like exactly what i need. and again i agreed. see i do feel loved by my new crush, i feel validated and secure and i only see this going in that one direction and that brings me fulfillment. i cant tell you how right this all feels. but getting to know someone new and seeing how you fit together is full of so many variables and new ways of thinking and ultimately living. you figure out where to hold the other and what position is right for you to both feel the most amount of pleasure. but nothing is purely pleasure, that should be expected. i told kit the other day that i feel like im ready to organize another book to distribute to those that i love but in the days that followed i realized i wasnt because i kept coming back to this document to write more. the majority of it being explicitly about her. no matter what i do i cant get her out of the birdhouse in my mind. it makes me wonder how much she thinks about me but im trying to get better at not needing validation all the time. i told her in a letter that i have yet to give her that i want to meet her where shes at and start there. i want to pledge my love to her and begin building something concrete where there was once only feelings for a new person. but this is me just getting ahead of myself and im working on it, im working on so many things right now. she inspires me to be more of myself and that is a treasure in itself, no matter what may happen between us i will always be thankful for what she has done to me, for myself. i recognize this most days and im trying to recognize it more even still. sometimes i feel silly for having written so much about her already but never deeper than that initial silly feeling because i recognize that this is the truest thing in my life right now and one of the truest things ive felt in all of my 25 years. this endeavor has tested my patience and is teaching me lessons i didnt know i still needed to learn. it takes two to love and i want to make this work so badly that im sacrificing a lot of my old self to safely hold on to the bar that locks me into my seat and still feel intentional. these are things that i needed to shed eventually and here i am, actively shedding them. but its hard bro. its hard to love someone new again. and when i type that sentence i realize that all of these words ive spilled and all of the thoughts that ive had these last couple months could just be put under the umbrella of that sentence; "its hard to love someone new again"...

-- -- --

i think that part of me feels like im holding back my true emotions and i think that part of me is correct. it goes against my nature but i am choosing my battles and picking the right times to express myself. i think that i am so much sometimes that for other people it is unbelievable. i feel like i need to censor myself or at least only give part truths. but this is me learning. with c*******, i want to rid myself of the feeling that it negatively matters that i was not with her for certain things. of course i wasnt, we hardly know each other, i want to be warm and supportive and an attentive listener when she treats me and trusts me with the stories of her mind. and i want to be the same for her. i think that all of this ties into me pulling my head up from staring deep into the depths of my own self, rubbing my eyes, and waking up. smiling at the reality i exist in with this other person. my insecurities stem from possessiveness and control and only my own set of morals. while i dont think those words define me at all, they are a part of me and i dont want them to be because it is unrealistic and selfish. selfishness is the evil of the world and i refuse to consciously partake in it. my subconscious wants to change her to fit my own mold, as if to hush her and say "oh no, you can only do what makes him comfortable", but this is not a relationship and its a weird thing to reckon with. the subconscious rules the emotions so i must face it because my conscious brain tells me that i would not wish to change a single piece of her in order to fit my own mold, my conscious brain tells me how silly that would be- why would i want another person who is me? i have myself and i am me and that is that, even if i wanted another it would be impossible. i am learning to appreciate differences and not treat them as such big deals because they never are, never ever. two people do not owe the other anything, regardless of their status and how long they have known each other. you only owe someone something if you have an understanding of that beforehand and it is consensual and reciprocated. she owes me nothing and i owe her nothing. we are gifting the other with ourselves and its a beautiful thing but there is no part of this deal (or lack thereof) where expectations should start to blossom...the waiting...the irritation or frustration that come with building up these expectations in your head and then the negative emotions that follow when they are not completed when the other person had no idea they were even in that position.

i wonder what she thinks about me. i have so much to work out and i wonder if she does too. i wonder if she likes being as busy as she is. does she have time for me? clearly she has at least some. will there be enough? i think so. i dont think i need a crazy amount but i am a human and need a decent amount. i want to stop writing about her in this way, i feel like it did me good before but now its getting repetitive and no longer healthy. time is what i need and time moves at a constant pace. there is no speeding up the process no matter how many words i write

4/4/22

the three bodies were laid out on the stone slab that was anchored on the shoreline and bathed in the late afternoon light of the sun that was beginning its descent for the night. i looked at them for a few moments at a time while i was walking on the other side of the river and was thinking that they looked so far away, this thought being emphasized by the foreground of grass and sidewalk moving so much more rapidly than any of them were as i continued to walk in my own direction. when i saw their pale shirtless bodies my brain presented the memories i had of lounging on the very same slab a few years prior. the first thing i thought after that was how when i would spend parts of my summer afternoons down near the water there i would watch the people walking on the other side of the river and wonder how to get over there. of course it was pretty straightforward and for some reason i had just never wandered over there yet, but the area that i fawned over (in a way) was the area that i was now strolling thru and where i was observing what may as well have been my past self. it was a peculiar feeling, as if i had entered a time machine- if not a time machine, i had walked into a bubble of energy and emotion that random people end up filling in for an individual to preserve a moment that many others have felt before them- a bubble that i myself had walked into numerous times before, but just on the other side of the river. we were far enough away where we could very well be staring at each other the entire time we are in each others view and we would not know it. you cant make out details from that far away. as i walked by i remembered very quickly that i had taken a few of videos of people walking on the other side (the side i was presently on) and i thought that it would be even more bizarre to go back and watch those now after having this moment i am currently wading thru. i felt happy for the three of them. its one of those early april days that you cherish so dearly because the sun decides to show itself for the afternoon and warm you up a little bit more than you otherwise would have felt. i remembered how many people i had passed in the previous hour i had been walking and thinking then "i should have expected to see people on this slab of stone thats anchored on the shoreline, i was already admiring how many people were out and about today, experiencing the early spring and sunshine at the same time". most of the days i had spent on that stone slab were in the same fashion, just celebrating a nice day after a brutal winter, when you decide to finish your homework for the day and take a walk with your friends that you already see so often to bask in the pleasure of the sun and enjoy simply relaxing and breathing and smiling together. i walked until the treeline cut off my view of them and i smiled to myself and kept walking at the same pace. i miss how those days made me feel but i dont miss them enough to try and recreate them. when i learned that nostalgia could not be recreated i had a shift in me and i will be grateful for that for the rest of my life. it makes me excited to think what other situations ill find myself in where i am on the other side of the river i once lounged opposite of- and all of the situations in which i have not even lounged on the first side of the river yet. life feels so fast but it lasts so long. i am strangely comfortable with the pace in which i am moving thru my own life and i really feel as if that will not ever change. i eventually meet all situations with a smile and a continued pace just like i met this one, nothing but a tip of the cap and a slight yearning for what once was

4/1/22

"are you starting to love me?" she asked

"i like you so much that im sure that its love"

"i think im beginning to love you too"

he asked, "is it a love that can get bigger?"

and she replied "yes. much bigger"

he is laying down and he can hear his heart pumping inside of him. for a moment he turns off everything external and condenses all his focus to the inside of his body. "poor little heart", he thinks. he knows the feelings are in his head but its more romantic to feel empathy for the heart so this is what he does. his poor heart has been back and forth, volleying over the net many times a day, for a whole month now. its not for indecisiveness but rather a taming of something as courageous as a stallion. "eeeeeeasy pal", he says to him whenever it skips a beat to get his attention. he strokes the left side of his chest to settle him down. its a very courageous thing to love and to love so quickly so he doesnt blame the wild heart, hes very proud to be the body that houses such a big one and he doesnt blame people when they dont believe him for telling them that he loves them already. they dont know him like he knows him so how could they? they will in due time. his heart is also the source of his intuition and it has never led him astray. intuition is even more abstract than love so although he would never be able to put it into words if he were to try and express these things to another person, he believes it. blindly, even. its proven itself to him over and over again so he decided one day he had no choice but to give in. very soon after, he decided that he must tame the courageous heart because it takes two people to love and that typically takes time. but its hard for both of them to gallop atop such high peaks and then tumble back down into such low valleys before trotting back upwards on a dime, completely in the dark to their terrain, only knowing to keep moving forward which is the only direction they go. their compass is the wind and it is always at their back. they are validated for this reason. when the boy with his heart are down low they feel sad and the brain tricks them into thinking that they dont need her to feel happy and to focus on themselves. but the heart whispers in the boys ear when the brain isnt listening and says "we will go back up again. the brain is right, we dont need her to feel happy, but have you ever felt as happy than when you were in love? have you ever had such a good feeling about another heart? has anyone ever painted with such a pretty color before?" and the boy says "youre right" because the heart is always right. this is why the boy cherishes his wild heart over any rhyme or reason the brain could try and convince him of. despite the outcome, the brain is never malicious, its only moody, the boy knows this and loves the brain all the same. the girl said once that she needs time. "i cant promise you anything but i really like you and i dont want you to wait for me but im just saying that if we go slow then i have a good feeling that this will work out better than anything else that either of us have ever had before" and the boy looked within himself to conference with the heart but the heart was silent and then the boy noticed that the heart was crying. so the boy started crying too and he nodded his head and kissed her cheek before grinning to her. she grinned back and closed her eyes. later that night the boy and the heart cried together but they were warm and happy tears. if they were separate they would have hugged but they were both so grateful in that moment to be one in the same and therefore closer than any ordinary hug could have ever gotten them. the boys relationship with his wild and courageous heart would eventually be the aspect of his life that he found he needed to focus on in order to accurately center himself in the scope of his actions and when he discovered that the boy breathed a sigh of relief and cried with his heart again, those same warm and happy tears that they would become so used to for the rest of their shared and beautiful life

3/30/22

we met on the playground on a bright summer day

it was busy and happy when i saw you coming my way

we stood face to face, no words being said

but then we started to smile and laugh off our heads

i chased you around and followed your trail

of glitter and sparkles, hot on your tail

you danced as you ran, you twirled and sang

then you stopped and you winked and i felt my heart bang

"silly boy", you said, "cant you keep up?"

"i would try forever if thats what it took"

"well neither of us have forever so try a little more"

and then you winked again as i tried to even the score

"what will you do when you catch me?" you teased

you enjoyed antagonizing, i could tell you were pleased

just then my vision tunneled and i knew i was close

"i will tell you youve lost and have my time to boast"

but when i finally tagged you, boast i did not

i fell silent and calm and my face got all hot

your cheeks returned the favor and got fiery red

we stood face to face, no words being said

then you yelled "what is this?!" before giving me a shove

i replied "i cant say for sure, but i think this is love"

you laughed and you rolled your eyes out of their sockets

you stuck out your tongue and put your hands in your pockets

i realized then it was my turn to poke fun at you:

i pointed and jumped, "you like me back! i know you do!"

i took off running thru the sand and the swings

and i began to fly with my pretty new wings

and when i turned around i saw that you were flying too

with your glitter and sparkles and wings that were new

"we must have given them to each other" i thought

and then we met in the sky and hugged til we were hot

i buried my head in your shoulder until it was your turn

and i felt the feeling in my heart grow til it burned

we danced in the sky and held hands with white knuckles

we locked eyes and kissed once and my knees began to buckle

we slowly descended on the kids and the parents

and were met with nothing but silence and staring

until the cheers began and they threw flowers at our feet

and we took off on our victory lap down the empty street

we didnt speak a word because we knew words werent enough

why would anyone take on a task so impossibly tough?

so we continued to put one foot in front of the other

and see where they take us two new pretty lovers

3/29/22

how long does it take until two people have gotten to know each other?

until their bodies match speeds when theyre fucking on top of the covers

and one doesnt feel some type of way when the other is talking about someone else

even when they thought they had put their feelings of jealousy back up on the shelf

for good

but how could

they have predicted that when its been years since this last happened

and for the other, never before, which explains the differing passions

but the love is there, its as clear as day and its true

its reciprocated and building and beautiful and new

and while its frustrating to feel this sadness out of the blue

its not due to you, only something i need to get used to

-- -- --

i dont think you need to be sad to kill yourself. youre probably sad a lot before you actually do but i dont think you need to be and i hope that people arent sad when they actually do it, i hope that they feel something that they havent felt in a long time and that it either is or resembles something very close to happiness. maybe freedom is a better word. there have been times in my life where my mental state leads me to believe that there is a possibility that ill end up killing myself at some point, as if one day my brain will convince me that thats the right thing to do and honestly i dont even think i would have to be going thru a crisis or anything like that. being alive is a choice and all it takes is one moment to decide you want to turn off the light switch and walk out of the room for good. it has fucked me up to the core each time someone i know has killed themselves, on purpose or on accident, and i know that it would fuck a lot of people up if i were to do the same but i dont know man, some people place a lot of blame on the life taker for making them feel so bad and obviously its a defense mechanism but i dont think i could even entertain that action for one second because this person just took their own life and youre going to center yourself? it just doesnt fit right at all. being fucked up to my core is a selfish act in itself sure but the difference is that i am processing on my own and for my own and only after i have wished them well and paid them my respects for who they are and what they taught me.. .. ..

he very quickly and suddenly jolted back in his chair as if he had just woken up from a nightmare and in a way that isnt too far from the truth. he rubbed his eyes and looked at his computer screen perplexed, not being able to remember what he was just doing one moment ago and also rapidly forgetting what this screen in front of him even was. he looked outside and saw clouds as perfect as in the intro to the simpsons and he heard the sound of cars driving by below the birds chirping out of happiness because of the bird feeder he had just set out a couple days ago. it was warm and it was beautiful. its so beautiful, he thought, that he wondered if he had ever seen a prettier day. he stared out the window for a few minutes, intensely focused on the present, without another thought in his typically busy and crowded head. he started to laugh and then he started to cry. he asked himself, is this what happiness feels like? is this what i have been missing out on for so long? he felt like a child again and all he wanted to do in this moment was go out onto the balcony and be with the birds because he knew they were also happy so thats what he did. as he stood there he began to cry again because the birds had taken him as a friend and were dancing in the air all around him, singing their songs and being happy together. he sat down and sobbed. deep, heavy, broken-dam sobs. and when he stopped the birds all kissed him goodbye one by one as a thank you for the food and for the moment before they flew away to go be happy somewhere else. the man got up and walked back into the room and he closed the door and sat on his bed and thought for a long time before getting up again. in this time he reaffirmed his decision. he had decided as soon as he had woken up from the nightmare what he wanted to do, rather what his brain told him he needed to do, and he just wanted to make sure it felt right with him. he felt content and so the decision was reaffirmed. he couldnt have imagined a happier moment in all of his life so what better way to end it on? he took one deep and long breath, he smiled this time without any more tears as he basked in his happiness, and he turned off the lights

-- -- --

they say the master has failed more times than the student has tried so i have many more failures to go and the only way to fail is to try. 

in the name of daniel johnston (rip), i will bring my own voice to the people in my own way because i will be big. it may not be music, but it very well may be, but it will happen. its all i know, what else could even happen?

3/27/22

tonight, right now, im sitting in my room with the confused emotion i am all too familiar with. it is the aching emotion which is driven by love and an appreciation to be alive and live in this body which allows me to love and express that love but it conquers me and i am always at its will. i feel like a knight on one knee, suited up in the armor i wear with pride and repping a kingdom of love and prosperity, who has been a victorious pacifist thus far but has just now met the challenge that breaks him. i am achilles and this emotion cuts my tendon with a freshly sharpened pair of scissors. i couldnt fight it even if i wanted to. and i dont want to. with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face i accept my defeat but the challenger spares me my life and i cant help but believe its due to my compliance in realizing which battles are unbeatable and i immediately come around to appreciate and feel love for this challenge that has just broken me and right then in this moment we begin to coexist. not friends and never enemies, only two beings who dance around each other while holding hands together. believe it or not this is a happy emotion. perhaps its more of a happy realization than a happy emotion but i am happy nonetheless. this is what i feel when i need to play the same song 20 times in one day just to press on the emotion im feeling. i am utterly powerless in the universes wisdom and life that it presents to me and i forever will be, i believe this to be why i feel so much wonder and awe at so many different times throughout everyday and i feel sad when i have to skip these moments because of work or any other commitment that does not allow me to appreciate being truly alive even tho these situations are unavoidable and necessary to keep me alive which obviously allows me to continue feeling this unnamable emotion i so often experience. i think for all of my life ive wanted to share this emotion with someone special to me and it makes me laugh when i used to think id be non monogamous forever...i just dont think its who i am. i love myself with every millimeter of my being, tangible and intangible, but i will always always always want to share the beauty of myself with another specific person and for them to realize how wonderful i am and for me to realize and remember everyday how wonderful they are. i dont want to scare people with my love but i need to express it for it is all that i feel. i dont know anything if i dont express my love, for life, for myself, for you

i told you im going over here and you told me to have fun. i should have known you wouldnt follow but this game of cat and mouse we created is actually pretty fun. it lets us be on our own and think about each other while we look at all of the art that we want to see for ourselves and gives us more to talk about when we find each other again. i see other couples walking around together and a pang in my chest tells me i wish i was with you but i say no! and i tell myself to stop comparing my life to other peoples lives for wishing that i could be with you right now because i know that this will be better in the long run. i spent the entire hour apart thinking of you and feeling a certain type of way which wasnt sad and was probably closer to longing than anything else but i became more used to it about halfway thru and i thought how peculiar you are and how i still dont know what kind of love we have together but i know that its there and i know that you know it too. when i told you that each time we see each other its better than the last it was the truest thing ive said all day and i knew i wouldnt be able to top it as soon as the words left my mouth. isnt that lovely? you pull down your mask to kiss me and i remember how you told me you were uncomfortable to hold hands together in public last week and i feel a warm feeling of butterflies and acknowledgement of you trying these things for the sake of what we are creating together. we have known each other for one and a half months and i think how small that will feel in comparison to our relationship down the line, whichever direction it takes us. i almost told you that i loved you the other day and today was the day that i knew i meant it. i told you that my heart was beating faster and when you asked me why i said it was because i was a little bit hungover and that was only partly true because i left out the part about being able to spend another day with you and steal some of your time and kisses and solidify what i knew was already happening. im in love and i dont care who knows it! youve liked all my friends so far and ive liked all of yours. my friend is having a wedding soon and he was interested in getting to know you and i thought about how sweet it could be if we ever have a wedding of our own. im too corny for you but i think you like it. i dont think i take it too far. i came inside you this morning and i want to cum in side you again tonight. everytime i looked in your eyes today the sunlight had found your face and bathed you in a gold i could not get over. i think about you all the time except for when i feel like i shouldnt because im consciously trying to remember to center myself but i cut myself some slack because of the honeymoon phase and then i secretly hope that it will never go away because with you i dont think it ever will. i dont want to write anymore, i just want to go feel, so i will leave you with this c*******, i love you and i knew i was going to love you before we even met and for that fact alone i am thrilled to see what we do and where we go because i often underestimate the power of two people in love and i will never do that again

3/25/22

with his fist raised to the sky and congratulatory slaps to the helmet from friends and competitors i watch the frames on my screen progress thru a moment cemented in history, a moment in which i refer back to when i want to wiggle the loose tooth of human feeling and put my foot on the gas just a little bit heavier than i normally would, proving to myself once again that i am a vessel of pure emotion and almost nothing more. tony hawk and the 900 present the familiar fact that there is very little that is a better example of humanity than conquering the meaningless challenges we set towards an overall pointless path of growth and i wonder if another species were to be witnessing us do these things what they would think of it, how they would justify the immeasurably large amounts of feats we accomplish that do not aid in our survival or evolutionary progression, i wonder what it would look like to them and then i picture the piece of equipment in akira that monitors akiras frequency matched with tetsuos, the beautiful, abstract, colorful dance that it performs at the end of the movie when the scientist says that it is the beginning of a universe and i am taken aback by that thought at this very moment for how profound and fitting this comparison is in relation to how i feel about this. i imagine aliens watching tony hawk do a 900 for the first time and the celebration that follows, the eruption of excitement and everyone being present and happy all at the same time would make as much as sense as the monitor from akira but still hold the same beauty. there is the birth of a universe in this moment

3/18/22

for all of my life, my mother has told me that all existences and all actions boil down to two things and those two things are love and fear. i have heard this put in many ways, most commonly good and evil, but i reject this sentiment because it acts as tho it is objective and all knowing when in reality it is only said by someone wearing prescription lenses only suited for them. it is completely ridiculous to suggest that one person (or even many people put together) can determine something elses status of existence. objectivity does exist but how naive for us humans to believe that we can ever achieve the knowledge that is pure objectivity. just like there are shrimp that crawl on the bottom of the ocean floor which see colors that we cannot comprehend, just like the magnetic field that goes north and south around the globe, and just like the energy that swirls thru our homes and our bodies every moment of every day, it is invisible to us, and truly unattainable. our bodies are gifts but they are limited. we are ruled by emotions everyday and that can be a beautiful thing if given the space to feel comfort and ability to express. this is love. fear is when this criteria is not met and it drives people to do things that cause harm to others or, worse, harm to themselves. i am the only person i will ever know with certainty. everyone else in my life who i love exists to me only as my perception of them. they view themselves much differently than i do and the inverse is true for them to me and if i were to spend every moment for my whole time being alive on earth with one other person there would still be misconceptions about how i view that other person and how they view me compared to our perceptions of our own selves. nothing alive is static, the past and the future are only the present that has already occurred and the present that has yet to occur but the commonality between the two and the moment in which youre reading this is that it is all the present. it always has been and it always will be and i tend to focus so much on this because i change who i am, what i think, what i believe in, how i feel, so many times in a day and at times in such small qualities that the number may as well be infinite. it is infinite. so how can i determine if any other existence is "good" or "bad" when nothing is ever going to stay the same as it was the moment i interacted with it? rather, these things exist in love or they exist in fear. and there is necessary empathy in this that every existence deserves no matter what the case at hand may be. good and bad makes me so sad because it praises indefinitely and it punishes without ever wanting to fix the wrong that was perceived or felt. cornell west taught me how to be a radical historicist and i have transferred this buried treasure of a mindset into my view of life at large and i have never been more grateful for anything i dont think. in these last few days i have self reflected intensely and only because my actions in my life led me to doing so. essentially, it just felt like the next step. my actions did not make me feel good and they did not make me feel bad, they created situations which i enjoyed and basked in rays of sunshine as well as situations in which i felt misinterpreted and defeated. but even as they were happening, before or after they led me to severe sadness or happiness, when i knew how i was going to feel in the near future, i consciously felt accomplished because i was behaving in ways that were completely honest to myself. i am a complex body who feels things very intensely almost all the time but i felt at peace with my honesty in these situations and it made me feel like i was graduating from the point in life that i had existed in for the last few years. i got out of my bed, i looked around my room and found the remainder of the clutter i have spent so many days cleaning and saw that this is what i need to do next in order to close my door and move into the room across the hall. i feel very close to achieving what i had set out to do all those years ago. my honesty in these situations were decisions based on love, even if they did not provide immediate comfort, because as ive realized they often do not. but they also often do. all thats needed is the desire to perform based on love rather than fear. i have allowed the cuddly body of fear out of my closet and into my bed to lay with me more times than i think i will ever even realize, they move slowly and with a limp, never in the light and therefore a ghost but a ghost with softer fur than i could have ever imagined, and they are not mean and they are not bad, i feel an empathy towards them and i do want to cuddle with them sometimes because they are the yin to the yang and when i say that i dont even mean out of pity or fear myself, but out of love, it is the pedagogy of the oppressed at work, the oppressed must rise to outlove the oppressors not only for the sake of themselves but for the sake of those they at first believe to be evil, how corny it is for me to picture this but i see stick figure smiley faces standing on top of a cartoonishly small globe holding hands, swaying, singing. i wake up now and i look myself in the mirror and smile a kind smile to myself and i say "riley, you are here and you deserve to be here, all you can do today is show up to the places you need to and even the places you just happen to find yourself in and continue to be the most honest version of yourself for your own sake and for the sakes of those you interact with, as long as this remains true you can never do a wrong that cant be understood" and i think to myself a little bit more about what i want to be in the world that i cherish so much and the one word that is in my head is "unafraid"

-- -- --

and there we were, floating in the ocean that was as pink as the sky while the sun paid its farewells and well wishes. we didnt speak for the entire dream, instead i watched you speak with other people and i felt content watching you do so while for some reason you didnt seem to notice me. i was a fly on the wall in the middle of the pink ocean. the waves began to pick up and they moved as if there was a spell put on them as they blended with the sky and began to turn into clouds before my eyes. the sun was immaculate and for a moment i believed in a god. the water was gently crashing over me and running down my face both forcefully and gracefully, i did not feel scared and i could breathe just fine so i focused all of my attention on witnessing the spectacular view that somehow seemed as tho you had a hand in creating. i saw a wink as quick as a shooting star and then i knew that i was living in your dream inside my own mind. the sky was becoming more full of detail with every wave break and i was beginning to drown but my survival instincts failed me while my instincts of appreciation took control of my actions, rendering me useless for anything other than keeping me afloat with my eyes open. the body only has so much energy, so much attention. it was too good a view to pass up and i am already a fairly fixated person. i wish i could more accurately describe the blend of the deep and hot pink sky, the bubbly orange clouds laid all across the sky, the burning sun at the center of it all but it will just have to exist in my mind and i am at peace with that. before i was submerged in the storm, a monstrous wave picked me up and set me down gently on to the beach that was at the foot of a very tall building. i saw another wink and knew that you had saved me. your friends started giggling at me and i chuckled back because i thought "she did know i was there. she saved me. i should have known, she really is magic"

3/16/22 (from notebook!)

i think i feel guilty from what i said this morning. i did have so much fun on our date but i made you think that i didnt and that hurt you which ended up hurting me too. i feel profoundly sad right now. no energy for anything but unfortunately i have to work. if youre free tonight i need to see you. i just want to cry into your arms until im finished and better again...im beginning to love you and its exciting and scary. you seem like a big deal to me in the most substantial and true way and i just dont want to fuck this up. but i feel like we cant fuck this up. i feel like we both know whats going to happen and theres no stopping it. i cant stop thinking about you and its making me feel crazy. i couldnt smile at anything right now. nothing makes sense but i feel a familiarity, like things are all according to plan, and you are that familiarity. the world is just a little too bright for me today and thats okay. i cant remember the last time i felt this fragile but i choose to embrace it and appreciate my human body with human emotions. i need a good and hard cry. a big one

3/15/22

we met a month ago

and today is our first date

ive just worked 13 straight days

but im ready 5 hours early

you were the match that relit my desire

to live fully

and busy

with naps here and there

but embracing the sleepy eyes

which make me soft smile

i slept just 5 hours

and my hands are all cut up from my new job

im building muscle memory and remembering that can be a beating

but im happy thru the blood and sleep

im happy thru it all

i am a child on a bicycle, his first time without the training wheels, my plastic helmet sits loose on my head and my knee pads pump up and down, left and right, while i move my little legs as fast as i can go to get enough speed for me to balance on my own and you are there behind me, no words, only a close mouthed smile and your delicate guidance on my smooth back and soft sweat, you lead with your fingertips to gently show me that you are here, that we are here doing this thing together, and we are both so happy

i want to ask you so many questions

but when i try to make a list i cant come up with any

its hilarious to me

i suppose they are better on the spot, spontaneous and genuine, more present

well some are. im sure some are better when they are according to a plan

i do have a few of those in my head about you

i wonder when i will i ask them to you

and i wonder what you will say back to me

3/14/22

there has not been a human sound made in over 40 minutes and the two of them continue to glide on the glassy surface of the dark water that is more black than it is blue. they hear the sounds of crickets and cicadas somewhere in the marshy grass thats as tall as either of them would be if they were to stand next to it but they can only guesstimate because human bodies cannot stand on the marshy grass that rests above the black water. as with all other things in this area, human interaction and obstruction is limited. this is precisely why they, and many others, retreat here every so often to be alone and quiet with the mostly untouched environment. they are coming out of the narrow creek of marshy twists and turns and enter into another lake that looks like a pocket on the map. every lake looks extraordinarily similar yet still uniquely different every time they enter. there is an immediate sense of familiarity in combination with the wonder you feel when you see a treeline that you have never seen before or a small island where there was not a small island before. he turns to her and says "we might be miles away from the nearest person. can you believe that?" she says "yes, but its hard to conceptualize" and he responds back right away with "yeah. it really is". the sudden interaction is welcomed but a little offputting to the both of them and they can feel the shift it has created so they both lean into it a little bit and stop rowing the canoe. there is just the slightest breeze and it guides them so slowly it is impossible to feel, only recognizable when looking across the water and seeing that the horizon has become closer. the wind is at their back and he thinks how fortunate that is and consciously appreciates it. they are each in their own thoughts but they are still floating because of the feeling that they are both feeling and they know that they are each feeling it and the two of them then reach their hands out to hold the others to feel together in this moment that they will share with nobody else, in history or in future, except the one they are holding in this present...

...she had decided to let the fire die on its own instead of feeding it more of the wood they had gathered. dinner was over and they are sleepy together. the night sky is in full effect and the sky is so full of stars it is disorienting to look at, but they lay down together on the dirty ground with their arms bent behind their heads to support the view that they have dreamed about for months. she starts to cry so quietly and still that he will never know about it for the rest of his life and it would eventually prove to be one of the only secrets she kept to herself and nobody else in all her joyous and beautiful years she would experience. these secret tears solidified many things in her life and the main reason for this was because although she couldnt understand why she began to cry, she did know that she agreed with it. it came out of nowhere as tho one of the stars had fallen out of the sky and struck her with such profound emotion she almost couldnt take it. she had never believed in cupids arrows but she would convince herself over time that she had actually been struck by a shooting star. in this moment she had pledged to package up her trust and set it gently into the river which leads to the abyss above and know that she would continue to trek along the right path as long as she followed her internal compass, based not on the magnetic fields of the planet, but her intuition and trusted emotions. "this is so breathtaking i could just about cry" he says to her. he always seems to be the one to break the silence and she welcomes it every time. if it were tangible she would give it a hug. she closes her eyes tight to get the last of the salty tears out and gently wipes her face with her dirty hands before he turns on his side and buries his head into her neck, softly resting on her collarbone and smelling her skin. she says "me too" and kisses his short hair, existing in a moment that she recognized very quickly as one that she would remember forever

3/11/22

i bend the upper part of my body forward while keeping my feet planted firmly behind me like im looking over the ledge of a bridge. there is no ledge, only me and the mountainside i am looking down, but i cant help it, i do whatever i can to feel safe, even if i am just consciously tricking myself into believing im safer than i really am. i dont use real drugs anymore, only placebos, and they tend to do the trick most of the time. despite my fear of heights, i have reached the summit. i am tired but energized and there is nobody with me above the clouds in this moment. i am alone and forced to reflect on my thoughts and my feelings in the middle ground somewhere between heaven and earth. i feel proud of myself but i still feel a little bit dissatisfied and i think of when kobe says "the jobs not finished" after being asked why hes not happy being up 2-0 in the finals. i scan my body and detect that i am still holding on to a little fear of the unknown that lies in a present i have not reached yet. i embrace it for what it is but it confuses me. you see, when i imagined myself at the top, my surroundings were different. my surroundings in my visual manifesting would change simply because how could i have possibly known what they would actually look like? in a similar way, i imagined i would be happy, but i couldnt know for sure and now that im here at the top of this mountain between heaven and earth i think to myself, "well of course im here. why wouldnt i be? am i surprised that i made it here? no. i deserve the credit i am giving myself but it does not extend beyond that" and after these thoughts have crossed my mind i realize that there is still more to go. my friends all told me that i would make it here. it was very kind of them to tell me that and i could feel that they meant it. but i dont think they realized how high i wanted to climb and honestly until this very moment somewhere in the middle ground between heaven and earth in complete isolation above the clouds i surpassed, the clouds i would look up to and marvel at for the entirety of my life before now, i dont think i did either. sometimes my explicit goals fall short of my drive and all i can do is chuckle to myself and be glad that it is not the inverse. i shake my head and raise my hands in a combination of disbelief and humor as i look up to the sky and just as i do this a new summit appears as the sky breaks and reveals it to me. i then think to myself, "of course there was more to go. how could i have thought that i had finished? silly me" and i smile a soft smile and relax for a moment before i begin a new chapter, basking in the realization that i am about to start something great and newly foundational to me. i remind myself that i have always felt and understood when i am doing something right, even if words cannot do the feeling justice and even if my conscious thoughts doubt the same feeling that is as real and true to me as my breath and my heart. i may be thousands of feet above the level of the sea but i am still grounded to the earth and that will never change. then, i stand and i stretch, i take a deep breath and bend the upper part of my body forward to look down the mountainside one more time before turning my back on it in search of a better view

3/6/22 (from notebook!)

i had just gotten the protective sealer off my new jar of peanut butter. my nails were short today so it was hard and i started to get frustrated but i recognized this and extinguished the fire by reminding myself that the seal is here for a reason- it benefits me- and instead of anger i then felt gratitude. thank you, seal. all of a sudden you became easier to peel off. maybe you were resisting because i didnt deserve to take you off, i dont ever want to be ungrateful but sometimes it happens and you dont even recognize it except for in hindsight. i was proud of myself for controlling my emotions so quickly, it looks like my practice is paying off because its just about always easier to fan the flames until the moment is unsavable. i stood there, looking down on my jar of fresh peanut butter as if it was a prize i had earned. in a lot of ways it was, if not only for what it now meant to me. then you came in. i said, "look at this beautiful fresh jar of peanut butter". you came closer to check it out and then said, "what if i just stuck my finger right in the middle of it" and as you said that your pointer came closer and closer to the unnaturally smooth surface- as this was happening i stepped back one step to give you some space because i saw that this moment was now yours and i said, "you can if you want to". you responded almost instantly, your finger just centimeters above touchdown: "but then i would have peanut butter on my finger!" as you walked back to your room. it made me sad. i know you have to go click clack on your computer but you could have just licked it off. i gave you a chance to show me how human you can really be and you shut the door on it. you cant stick your fingers in jars of peanut butter when youre alone without questioning yourself too much and you cant bring it up unprovoked around other people without seeming like youre trying too hard. its only peanut butter. and in that same breath im thinking to myself now that, yes, it is only peanut butter. but i wish our roles were reversed in that situation because i would have done it. maybe just to say that i did but i know i would have done it

3/2/22

id rather feel my time than fill my time

oh, were friends who kiss

2/28/22

i am conscious of the fact that im dreaming because i am finding myself impressed at how i could build such a large and intricate home out of nothing but my imagination. there are quirks that make sense to me, like the large separate sink for doing dishes, but then there are things that confuse me like the outward right angle of wood trim that is protruding from the front of the sink, exactly where id need to be if i ever were to do dishes in that sink. i am here with my friends carl, ellen, and taylor. we used to play on an intramural volleyball team together in college. we spent a lot of time with each other and im happy to see them, even happier that we are now living together for some reason. what a curious thing it is to be so confused in a dream yet so content with whatever is happening. its extremely childlike. its like your subconscious brain is telling you to sit back and trust it because it knows better than you ever could. the home is big, with irregular bits of tiles meeting the carpeted majority at random spaces, it isnt quite cute but i feel happy to be living here now. there is a room upstairs after lots of winds and turns that looks like a room that carl has in his childhood home, his brother cam used to live there, it received the precious gift of sunlight and the copy of this room in our home together is no different. i think how much i look forward to being quiet, all 4 of us, watching movies in the living room and just feeling comfortable with each other again. 

we discover that ellen has secluded herself in the bathroom, or so we think, after enough dream time has gone by in which we havent seen her. i tell carl to open the door because im frankly too scared of what might be on the other side. nobodys there. carl goes in and doesnt come back either. i look around and my vision swirls and im in a different room now, but taylor is with me. im not scared but im also not content, something feels off and i dont trust my brain for getting rid of my friends so quickly and without a second thought. this is a common recurrence in my dreams, the disappearing of people im close to for a few moments leaving me very confused. this is always the beginning of the spiral back up into consciousness in the real life, the end of the dream. i look for them with taylor but before i know it ive lost her as well and the sky outside has turned dark. nighttime in my dreams means that the sun must be rising back in the physical world. i wake up and it takes me 10 minutes to get my footing again, im curled up in the fetal position next to the blood from the love making we had last night because we couldnt wait for that time of the month to be over. i feel vulnerable and all i can wonder is why my brain disappears these people and continuously leaves me alone. im alone right now in my blood stained bed because my lover had to leave at 6 in the morning. i will always come back to being alone, wont i? nobody dies together. it is a uniquely individual experience. or so it seems. when my brain can no longer produce thoughts for me then it will be the end. i enjoy my dreams but they are too much sometimes. i spend much time in the physical world reflecting on dreams ive had with complete bewilderment for being able to come up with something so detailed out of thin air but on the other side of the coin it frightens me a little bit that i know so little about my own thoughts. again, or so it seems. but i dont think too hard about it because somethings are just too great to understand. if i feel that shiver of fear that accelerates up my back and makes me shudder then i leave it at that and start to think about the day im having in a much better way, kind of like that shiver got the energy out that it needed to

-- -- --

the biggest mountains

the tallest trees

the earliest birds

the busiest bees

the woman standing above

the man on his knees

she leans in close

as he continues to weep

she neck kisses his stubble

he tugs at her sleeve

"whats wrong my love?"

"ill just die if you leave"

she hushes and smiles

so he quiets his pleas

comfort and familiarity

love, knowing, peace

this feeling makes him nervous

he cant afford to freeze

"my heart leapt out of my chest

and now its yours to keep"

"put it back sweet boy

its the most important piece"

they undress the other

and lay among the leaves

they touch noses and lips

and hug with their feet

there they rest forever

away from busy streets

by the biggest mountains

and the tallest trees

with the earliest birds

and the busiest bees

2/27/22

to be patient for something i feel confident in

to toss my trust to the universe and know that it will work itself out

to remember that all i need to do is keep moving one foot after the other

because i am on the right path. and i have been for a while

to practice the restraint of not allowing irrational thoughts to gain any substance

to be not too little and also not too much

i can feel the sweet spot...and were there, in the center of it, holding hands and acting calm. we are like a happy version of american gothic. i thought of that scene in the simpsons where homer tells marge that he wants to kiss her but he warns her that hes only going to keep loving her, and loving her, and i feel the dormant butterflies finally lifting that feeling into my throat again, a bubble that pops just before exiting my mouth, making me hiccup and giggle because im loving someone again

i think you make me feel so much that sometimes it makes me sad. in a bizarre sequence of brain pathways, the weight of our growing love reminds me of the longing and the isolation that ive experienced many many times before- the unwanted kind. but i can still breathe (i breathe everyday) and that makes me feel hope. one of the first questions you asked me revolved around hope and how i feel it and i appreciated you asking me that very much. now, im hopeful about what we have and are nurturing everyday when we finish our busy schedules and walk down the street to spend another night together. ive never cared less to hear that someone was on their period. i find myself going back to the virtues i listed at the beginning of this because i have to remind myself that there is no stopping this train. its inevitable so at least its a good inevitable right honey? the wanted kind

i could tell you i love you tonight and it would be true but instead ill keep making jokes and smiling silently at you. "whats on your mind?" "something i want to keep for myself right now". ill know when the time is right. your father proposed to your mother in a thunderstorm and i am so inspired by that. your parents raised the bar for love and that will inspire me forever, regardless of where we end up. i thought that true, long, love was a rarity for quite some time myself but i dont want to believe that anymore because i am not a probability, i am the leader of my life, at least i have the illusion of free will, the one thing i will blindly believe in. that and love. "youre a lover arent you?" i look forward to the day that i read the room correctly and spill the beans ive been loosely (and admittedly a little carelessly) holding on to for only these two long weeks so far

"that feels good riley". tell me again. dont say anything else, just tell me again. i push my face further into your crotch out of passion but i end up discovering that i can use this to my advantage- to your advantage. in a fucked up way i admit that i hope when i come up for air im stuck with some of your pubes in my throat, if i dont i wont know if i actually worked as hard as i could. "whats your favorite thing about me?" right now its your ass and every hair on your body. when i sneak peeks during our playtime i investigate whichever area my eyes are currently hovering over and i think to myself, "oh my fucking god, i have never loved a body more". look me in my eyes when i stick my finger inside you and keep the staring contest alive while i replace the finger with my dick and inch forward slowly until we have hit the back of the room. help me put your legs up honey, gyrate with me when im as deep as i can go and our pelvises grind against the others. fucking you i find pleasure in the pressure. i find myself wanting to sink my claws into your back and face but i dont have as long of nails as you do so the claw marks you leave on my back will suffice for the both of us. how long until i can cum inside without a coat on?

-- -- --

i couldnt even remember your name last night, when i wanted to write about you first. but tonight i remembered that its phil. my friend who could be my dad, who i saw even more than my actual dad for little while. we spoke less but there was always that understanding. it was so much so that i felt confident and safe to lay out my troubles for you every monday and tell you "phil, i think youve seen me more stressed out than anyone else in my life". 20 minutes would go by without me being behind the bar, where i would be if i was in a position to be so, to serve you and talk to you more than i was able to when our timelines were intertwined. you used to get a traditional margarita but then you switched to the raspberry one which you always used the french word instead of spanish. but you always stuck with the tamales and grilled jalapeno. we bonded over that because its the most slept on item on the menu. you liked the same salsa i did. i remember my second to last shift when i told you i was leaving. it was casual, as all of our conversations were, but then tell me why my heart was beating so fast? id hug you if it was acceptable but in this moment ill settle for a handshake with my left hand covering both of our rights in an act of casual love and appreciation. i do that for every handshake now but i didnt back then- you helped me realize how special 5 extra fingers can really be. ive never seen you with anyone aside from your own company and i respected you for that. you were calm in the way that i always wanted to be. you are calm, phil, its not like your dead, we just dont see each other anymore. but im different now phil, would you still like me? youd probably like me even more. im calm now because im not spread as thin as butter. i have time to talk to you now. what will happen if we cross paths again? i remembered your name but i cant remember your face- for some strange reason i tend to associate your face with a stranger who let me take his picture on the way to work because he read my handmade sign saying i needed help for a student project. i thought about the others i took pictures of and the last man who asked me to send his mother a copy in some southeastern state for christmas which i did and which i really hope she got. im sure she did, why wouldnt she? and here i am reminiscing again and its because of you, phil, i cant tell you how happy i am to have remembered your name. phil. phil who got the frambue and pork tamales and grilled jalapeno with salsa de aguacate on the side. if i could go back in time id have hugged you. i hope you felt it in our hugged hands, the desire to tell you how much you would have meant to me when i knew id no longer be seeing you. ill likely never see you again. my friend who could have been my dad. ive seen a few nicos regulars at my new job since but they have all been unacknowledged because they did not mean as much as you. in a strange way i hope you still frequent nicos and i hope it isnt as good as when i was there. i just want you to remember me the way that ive remembered you. we are both only humans so i suspect that thats possible. humans are alike in so many ways its laughable, who ever tried teaching us that we werent?!

2/25/22

before i knew it the wheels turned stiff and i found myself loudly and slowly coming to a stop. when i turned around the skidmarks were in the shape of a heart and i thought to myself, why i must have just been in the middle of a real life miracle. ive been unbathed and sleep deprived but i stay awake and shower in order to fill my day with as many sights and thoughts as i can, you see youve given me the desire to experience in order to appreciate, plain and simple, the most precious gift i could receive in this moment. how could i have known that this is what would happen? i couldnt make those heart shaped skidmarks again in a hundred years but there they are, i know that because im staring at them in my rearview mirror right now, the smoke still oozes out from the burnt rubber caked into the asphalt and it looks like an art exhibit. everything else is on pause now until we can get going fast enough to put on cruise control and yes i know that you can use cruise control as low as 30mph but im talking about 400 miles in front of you on the highway doing 80 kind of cruise control. i like this pause. its an unexpected but welcome guest in the shape of you, from your eyes to your smell. there are many things that i like about you and i plan to tell you them while my liking turns into loving and yours does too. while we are intertwined together like 2 unfinished pretzels that dont want to be alone, i whisper all the good things you make me feel into your ear and your soft smile stays as you fall asleep and start snoring. i vowed to never sleep on anything smaller than a queen but i was ignorant to the coziness of your twin XL under the weighted blanket, please forgive my naivety! i catch myself following the sparkles you leave in your trail as you dance from one room to the other and i am in awe of your grace. dumbfounded and honored for 3 straight mornings. i just want to lick you all over and up before we melt in the summer sun of our scorching love in this minnesota february

2/23/22

god made me out of love and my mother nurtured it into fruition. it is my greatest gift to the world, i cannot produce anything greater. i feel no reservations when it comes to loving someone else because i am not afraid of love the way some other people are. today i feel like the bald rapunzel, waiting on my balcony for you to return so we can fit into each others bodies like puzzle pieces and see how much skin we can touch at once for the second time. ive been having a lot of trouble sleeping so i see no issues with you keeping me company into the early morning hours, when the sky starts to loosen its grip on the darkness and lets a little bit of the deep blue present itself again. put on your headphones and walk the two blocks to my second floor duplex, stare at me while my glasses are off and i am vulnerable and blind, look me up and down while i cant see where your eyes go, im handing you the power in this situation and i hope youll take it- you know, while youre at it, i hope you would take some of my confidence and love me now like i know we will end up loving each other eventually. i want to fall asleep on your crotch with your bush as my pillow, hold my flaccid love for you in your hands and explore wherever you want to. im still a little sleepy from last night babe but its all in bounds for you, just wake me up again if you want any more. did you like our first kiss? did i plan it out okay? i would have shaved if i had known that it was happening tonight but thank you for telling me you like my stubble. i am a solitary boy who is full of love. i still have my mustache but im no longer scared to be alive and i even added a tiny soulpatch, i have spent this time packing up my gear and i am ready for the long awaited exploration of a new person to open the door of their world to me and before youve even made the hinges creak i am blinded by the brilliant gold radiance spilling out from under your archway with the pretty decal at its peak. i let it wash over me and fill me with the warmth of the sun. my eyes are closed but i see red instead of black and i wonder how you could fit so much sunshine inside of your world. it fills me with honor that you would open your door for me and i smile a soft smile and let a tear of admiration fall from the corner of my eye. pay me no mind! yes it is dramatic but its how i feel! this moment is for me even if it was caused by you, ill be right there, i pinky promise. can we really do all that i think we could? i am me and you are you, love it or leave it, theres no way around it. time will tell darling. lets just see where this goes.

2/21/22

i can never seem to shake the idea that life exists both as something that should not be taken so seriously while simultaneously and always being the most serious thing you will ever know. its all you will ever know. life and death are two sides of the same coin and they are the only guarantees you are ever given, all else is just dependent on your circumstances and how you come to develop as a person in the world. your naked body that breathes life in and out and that one day will breathe in and out for the last time. everything must die so why am i so scared of that? the more i think the less im sure fear has to do with it, i wish to myself that other people would take the gift of life more seriously for the sake of their neighbor and not talk about death so lightly, but that goes directly against what i believe about the same topic just on the other hand. im a hypocrite for that, but only half. its the volleying of ideas back and forth from my left brain to right brain in effect again. i cant joke about death and i cant intake death without feeling like my power button was shut off and i need a breather to collect myself again. its why i havent killed a bug in many many years and why i havent consumed animal products for years as well. its why i am very strongly anti gun and pro hypothetical government that would actually take care of people rather than chastise them. but then i remember to myself that these are all ideals and ideals do not reflect the real world, the real world who will quite frankly never be able to reach these desires without going against my core beliefs for a little while before that. by that i mean that thru all of my core beliefs i have always recognized that reform is a myth, that in order to achieve a genuinely good world in a universal sense, there will be violence and there will be death, and in that sense im seeing how life would actually revert back to its most primal, if we strip away the facade of manmade life and step into the jungle (for example) we will see all sorts of violence and death, for whatever lives in the jungle relies on that to continue living which is the most serious thing in the world.

-- -- --

today is cold, grey, and windy. the wind is making it feel 15 degrees colder than it really is. by all accounts i shouldnt be as happy as i am but when you have find yourself in the rare company of friends moved away and able to celebrate your history, present, and future, it functions as warmer a jacket than you could every buy. im already nostalgic about this afternoon. the rest of my night will surely be filled with emotion and longing for what once was. the three of us love where were at and what is happening to us but we talked at the bar while we were sipping our beers and eating our salads about how we will never feel the way we once did. the three of us are convinced we will never find the quality of coworkers we found in each other when we met those 3+ years ago. how special is it to be able to talk about relationships and masturbation as if it were as natural as breath with someone who no longer lives in the same state as you? very special indeed. i cherish you all but i cherish these people with a special light. there are a lot of you. i feel as comfortable as if we have lived together all this time but you want to stay in colorado and you want to live alone for as long as you can muster. i want other things too. i want a house to host you, my friends, for the rest of our time here on earth and i say that because i feel as if we will be friends for the rest of our days. im happy i remembered to take some pictures so i can remember this day even clearer than my memory will allow. you give me sunshine on days where light doesnt penetrate the thick overcast of minnesota winters.

2/16/22

and i kicked that little piece of snow across the pavement in front of me for as long as i could. it surprised me with how resilient it became towards the end of its life. in the beginning each kick and skid resulted in a significant part of its body exploding away or being shaved off but when it became smaller it became more refined in its shape, it began to know who it was. it then became clear to me that really it was only like i was giving it a haircut- i hadnt even seen the true thing, only its excess, like one of those sheep with knotted and overgrown hair before it is sheared. i had fun with this little ball of snow turned ice until i got bored and crushed it with my next step. ending its life because i got tired of it. "i dont wanna play with you anymore". a thought i had while getting to know this piece of winter was one i had not had in a very long time, i remembered what snow tasted like. i thought to myself that i hadnt eaten a handful of snow since i was in snowpants which means i had to have been intentionally playing outside to which i thought "fuck, that has been a long time". i could bend down and eat this piece of winter that ive been kicking and put it in my mouth if i wanted to, but its become brown with dirt and rock and anything would be more appetizing than that so i dont. some things you do as a child and never again. but they tend to stick with you in the weirdest ways. i can recall the soft crunch as my teeth glide thru the ball in my mittened hand and begin to turn cold. as soon as the winter hits my tongue it all begins to melt and i think that its good that im hydrating myself. i seem to believe that i had a period of time where i wouldnt drink water normally because i thought i could just eat the snow- which i guess is not entirely wrong, just not very practical. but how was i supposed to know that as a small boy? i also had a phase where i would pee with my gloves on and ask my mom if i still had to wash my hands because the skin didnt touch the skin. she said no and i felt like it was a victory. sometimes when i would pee normally before a bath i would ask my dad if i had to wash my hands or if i could just wash them in the tub and he said tub was fine and i would smile because it was another victory. it seems like children just want to find ways to overcome the rules that hold them down and i think thats a terribly sweet thing. it makes me want to have kids of my own just to be impressed with all the ways that they discover how to get around something that means absolutely nothing when you are older and with more reference under your belt.

after the snow had been off my mind for a while i found myself on my college campus and was flooded with the memories that every building and public area hold in my head- like the snow, i guess i just needed the visual trigger to send me down a solitary path of thought. it felt like a dream does, im impacted by it when i am in it but as soon as im out, im back to focusing on whats in front of me then. as tho what happened to me just moments ago may as well have been years. but im remembering things that were years ago. i felt relatively old altho i still feel very very young in general. i enjoyed weaving in and out of the students again as i listened to my music. i dont know. if i were sitting on campus right now im sure id feel more inclined to say more about it but i dont now that im in my room in my home again. im remembering things that were years ago. i can appreciate them and move on, i dont need to reach, whether or not i say anything about them will not change how they happened, it will always be the same in my timeline and i am thankful for that

-- -- --

it was just the four of us on the boat

"whatcha writin friend?"

"only thing im qualified to write about"

"whats that?"

"my life story"

2/15/22

in the early months of 2022, when i am 25 years old and with my brain finally stopping its growth, ive found that i can actually take my deep breaths that ive wanted to achieve for so long. the sharp decline in cigarettes is a major factor in that as well but i actually attribute the lack of smokes to the steep incline in my mental health so i guess at the end of the day it stems from the same reason. nowadays i have two moods and the first mood is the baseline i never knew was actually plausible. it used to be just a dream and i really didnt know if it was realistic. but it was and it is the greatest gift i could have ever given myself and my favorite part is that i can keep improving it the further along i walk in life. the baseline is just that, on a heart monitor in a hospital it would look like a flatline but for me this flatline is the most coveted goal i had yet to attain. it is the essence of life, not the absence of it. the flatline represents my deep breaths, my stable emotions, my calm & content, as tasty a combination as lemon & lime. to put it simply, im not triggered by things the way i used to be. i remember that one time two years ago where i admitted to a friend that if i were to come across a row of orange traffic cones and one happened to be tipped over i would spiral into the existential dread; how did it get knocked over? is it okay? that isnt normal and it shouldnt be that way. why hasnt anyone propped it back up yet? i feel more empathy for that traffic cone than i do myself. i am that bent traffic cone on the asphalt as everyone in the world ignores it while traveling 15mph too fast. my day is ruined. destroyed and utterly unsavable. i am unsavable...talking to her, i realized how bad my ideas had become. but i am here now in hindsight feeling the empathy for my past self i did not feel back then and the baseline is stable instead of high peaks and low valleys, sometimes even crisscrossing because back then i was able to make the heart monitor travel backwards as well as forwards. with my clear head now i know that that is impossible, but thats how it felt back then. even if i took myself by the shoulders and placed me down squarely in front of the mirror of reality, face to face and eye to eye, i could recognize it was impossible back then too but that did nothing to help me because my emotions told me otherwise. this is why i was convinced for so long that we are ruled by emotions as long as we exist in these pretty bodies that weve been given. and i like being in a body, dont get me wrong, but im still kind of convinced that our emotions are the invisible dictator of life as we know life to be. the difference now is that i take care of my body and my mental health and it has given me superpowers instead of becoming my supervillain. and that brings me back to the main point: i am a superhero because ive achieved the flatline. i can actually "handle" life now, whatever it seems to introduce into my path. it is not perfect, it wont ever be perfect, but now life will only change shades and not be completely different colors at any given moment for no reason other than the lack of care and self respect i once had (or didnt have) for my body and my soul. i could cry writing that sentence but i took a pause to give myself a hug instead. what im saying is, 1 of my 2 emotions i feel in the early months of 2022, when i am 25 years old and with my brain finally stopping its growth, is stability. i saved myself and i am as calm on the inside as i am on the outside. in the past i had to put on a front, but no more. i match myself perfectly now. i became strong and confident and also much more relaxed and able to breathe. its all i ever wanted.

the other emotion that i feel at this time is crushing. its almost too much. i will start to cry as im walking to work in the -15º weather and my tears will freeze on my cheeks. under my facemask im safe from the stares of drivers and walkers so i ugly cry to push all the tears out while retaining a normal stroll so as not to draw any attention to myself. those moments are for me, i would hate to be interrupted or to make someone else think i wasnt okay. i had done this before but i was almost always fucked up, either drunk or high or hungover or anxious or fearful. the difference now is i am as sober as a baby. in fact, i may be a baby again, i do feel a conscious rebirth, maybe my emotions have reverted to being triggered by anything. you know how babies will cry at anything? anything that doesnt seem right to them. those precious angels without any reference or independence expressing to the world that they arent content, an act of 100% purity. i also just want to be pure. i am a sponge to the world around me. i used to think i needed molly to feel this way but when i started appreciating sobriety i realized that wasnt true and that i had these superpowers that i can tap into without drugs and only with the skillful intention that comes with practicing how to take care of your body and actually appreciating it. so, you see, this emotion is also a good one. its the life emotion and in that same sense it is just the emotion. 100% purity again. i have reconnected with those infant statistics, walter white could not reach these numbers if he became the smartest chemist in all of lived history. real living doesnt care about numbers, it didnt even make numbers up, that was us, things just exist and they simply are. and parallel to the one true emotion im speaking on, it isnt good and it isnt bad, it just is. in my perception i would classify it much more on the good side because my view now is that being able to feel emotions without letting them completely destroy you is a good thing, but thats personal. the objective truth is that the meter's needle between the good side and bad side sticks straight up, an exact 90º angle, precisely halfway- its similar to the baseline in that sense, it is the norm and whether or not someone interprets it as good or bad, it is only that, their interpretation, whichever sunglasses they put on that day made them look at it thru that lens. but again, thats their personal thing. interpretations do not affect the objective truth of something intangible as this. when i think of good emotions i think of them as emotions that i enjoy having, ones that i would like to keep. bad is the direct opposite being ones that i dont enjoy having and would like to get rid of. because i am a human being with a body and desires both physical and mental, i am completely unique in my cocktail of emotion and brain chemistry, so the goalposts are different for every other person alive or who has ever lived. we all have different thresholds. but the universe doesnt condemn and it doesnt praise. the energy flows around us all the time and sometimes it will blow gently thru you like a perfectly temperatured breeze going thru a home where the front and back doors are in a direct line with one another when other times your home has too many rooms with some shut doors, some open, and too many pockets for the gust of energy to get trapped in. it took me a long time to realize that i needed to get my trapped energy out. im not trying to make a joke but it reminds me of holding in a fart. its never good for you and in a perfect world we would be letting loose the way we do with burps (at least more so) but its understandable to hold one in because you dont want to be embarrassed. sacrificing your wellbeing for the courtesy of others. in a way, its a selfless act and deserves respect. but i needed to learn to be more selfish, to center myself and remember that i am living my own life and the responsibility for that is entirely my own. when i did, my doors were aligned and ripped off their hinges, the energy flows thru me and i am moved to tears because the act of crying is the physical manifestation of the one true emotion of feeling while living.

i exist as a transparent person who is beautiful and has so much love to offer and accept. i find myself so often shipwrecked by nostalgia because of how much i have loved being alive so far. i am 25 and i have so much left to experience, so much left to do, so much left to live. i plan to lead with love and with myself centered, if i am whole than i can help other people become more whole if thats what they want. i am here to have a pleasurable time but i am also here to learn and grow and teach and express in all honesty and without fear or anxiety of anything. i discovered i was a superhero the moment i turned 25 and i was not afraid to die anymore, when i stopped feeling like i was going to die soon. i let the energy flow thru me with open arms and open doors and fuck me up in whichever way is fit for that moment, i am open to it all because i have placed all my trust in one basket and tossed it into the wind, i no longer need control, i remember that the present is all any living thing has ever known and that time passing is just the present remorphing itself over and over and over and over and over again, faster than even a computer could comprehend. i feel these gaping holes in my chest for what it means to be alive, sometimes its yearning, sometimes its because of how much i already have on my plate, but i appreciate the aches all the same because they are not painful but wondrous, for i never knew i could feel so much, how i, like the universe, am continuously remorphing from being one feeling to another, every breath i take is a gulp from my bottomless and perpetual cocktail of emotions and at the same rate i drink i am pouring bottles of concentrated passions back into my goblet like the boilerman from spirited away. so often i feel like im laying down under a starry sky with tears streaming down my face and making a maniacal laugh because of how ridiculous it sometimes is to be alive and to be able to feel so much for no reason other than being gifted this body that i am in. and thats exactly what it is, a gift, i renounced my body for too long and all i can think on that now is how grateful i am to have rediscovered the joy of being me and to live as myself. i love it, i love it all. i love it all...

-- -- --

i masturbate with a condom on now because it reminds me more of the real thing. another positive is that theres no clean up. i watch spanish speaking porn to test my knowledge of the language and im becoming better, day by day. i never actually believed i would find motivation within myself to learn a new language to speak and understand but i am very pleased to be in this position and to feel this way. i lay in my bed and let the tears fall as im doing nothing but listening to music. i wonder what i should be doing but ive thought that so many times before that ive reached the end of that thought process. i present myself with the same answer thats been correct the entire time: nothing.

-- -- --

what does love feel like?

love feels like meaning. when i feel love it reminds me that anything that i want to achieve in my future will always come second to feeling love. if i have nothing else, i know that i will always have love. it is the constant and the content that i strive for, even tho its always there, sometimes it just gets a little overshadowed by things less important. love makes me want to do kind things for people i will never see again and act like my authentic self for strangers ive never met before. i feel as tho im a conduit of love, as if all of my decisions in life have always factored love into the equation, no matter how small or how abstract it presents itself. i sometimes show love by touch and by smile, but when i really feel it i tell it with my words and it doesnt take much for me to really feel it- only reciprocity, really. love is what gets me thru the winters and what makes me excited to experience a new day. love is the thing ive thought most about and im sure that the gap between the thing ive thought second most about will only grow larger as i live thru more and more life and feel more and more love. "when you think of me i hope you think of love because at the end of my life im certain that will be the thing that ive felt most" is my favorite thing ive written on the subject because its the most certain ive ever been when writing about love. love is rambling and its understanding, its sacrificing the things that dont matter when your pride is swallowed. ive heard that theres a big difference between platonic and romantic love but i dont think i believe it. i could fall in love with anyone and i have many times before. love makes me want to get a face tattoo of a heart because i want to do more than simply wear it on my sleeve. love begins with yourself and ive only just discovered how true that statement really is. when i feel love i remember that i dont need drugs to feel fulfilled. love can be a whirlpool and love can be a wading pool. its what has made me stay up late doing nothing but reminiscing about my past and fantasizing about my future. it is the source of my nostalgia- i have loved so much about being alive that i revisit my memories, even the insignificant ones, to take hold of that feeling again. love is a victory. i can look to the past, present, and future and feel the same love because that love is the life force of the universe, its the energy that flows thru you when youre happy and the remedy for when youre sad. its always there, even when you think it isnt

2/14/22

id seen photos of you before. you caught my eye and i filed you away in my mental cabinet. one of my closer friends considered you to be a close friend of his, in fact when i was interviewing him and i asked who he was inspired by, he mentioned two people: his mother and yourself. i took another mental note that i really need to meet you. you followed me before i followed you and it made me smile in real life when i saw who had given me the notification. im glad it was your birthday only shortly afterwards so the door was open for me to send you a message. i wonder if you could feel my intention or my energy thru those words. you seemed appreciative that i reached out and i smiled in real life again. not long after i was splitting a bottle of wine with an even closer friend and i asked what she knew about you- she said you were sweet and in the group that i started in college. i felt foolish at the chance of having met you before and simply not remembering but ive matured to the point where i no longer let those things bother me beyond the reaction that they are formed by. why? she asked. i answered, she seems so interesting to me. i want to meet her. the night we met was after i got off work late and before i had to open the next morning. i had another gathering to go to as well and i almost didnt come to pauls but the main reason i showed up was because i knew there was a very good chance of us finally meeting. paul opened the door for me and took me to his vhs collection. and there you were, right there. i wish i could have spoken to you and only you for a little while longer but group conversations introduce you to a different side of a person that you dont get to experience one on one. there are so many different sides to people and i hope i can see more of yours. the day after we met was my cousins wedding and today is valentines day. youre a lover and im a lover. i greeted you with a hug before a handshake because i feel cozy interacting with you. i wonder what well do together. ive felt wonderful these last few days, its very exciting to text someone again and look forward to them messaging you back. it feels like high school. i find it adorable. i find you adorable, youre so cute, i imagine well do a lot together. i am in my personal renaissance and i want you by my side, take my hand and see what we can do, flowers will grow underneath our footsteps and the sun will never set where we set out to, we will turn those frowns upside down and there wont be a sad person left who has had the pleasure of meeting us as a couple. as soon as the gate dropped we both knew what we wanted. we went for it at the same time and we met in the middle of the arena to cheers and whistles from the audience and onlookers. when the confetti laid still next to the flowers by our feet we continued to look at each other and smile. this show could last forever. you feel like you want to fall in love with me, i know because i feel the same

2/13/22

i trudge along as the song in my ears moves me to tears

they freeze on my cheeks and my steps match my breath

the snow falls harder and the earth is in birth

with a man in a renaissance

a personal journey

hes becoming a superhero

nobody can hurt me

2/12/22

everything feels so old and so new all at the same time. even when i want to document something that feels important i remember that some nights are only meant to experience and reflect and that some nights arent meant for writing. i have been shipwrecked by nostalgia these last two weeks and although all of the emotions i feel are produced by motives which are completely separate and different from one another they all lead to the same feeling. its a beautiful thing. tonight was a beautiful night

2/9/22

when our eyes met i knew we were both thinking the same thing. actually it was probably more of a feeling than a thought since neither of us needed an action to follow it up- the eye contact was enough. your boyfriend was right next to you, holding on to your shoulder while talking to your friends, you both facing away from each other. id have looked at you the same even if he were staring right at me although im glad he isnt. i like him and he likes me but this felt like more of a private thing so i feel content that he was preoccupied at that moment. i appreciated the way you looked that night and thought you were more gorgeous than ever before and i was certain you had never smelled better to me- the kind of smell that makes me want to take off my glasses and lay my head on your chest and ask you to comb your fingernails thru my buzz cut. i bleached it the other day, do you like it? i wonder if your boyfriend would be okay with that. you are your own person and can do what you please but i only ask because i wouldnt want to hurt his feelings. we hurt your other boyfriends feelings the time that were both thinking about when we looked at each other and although i didnt care at the time i care more now. i dont regret it but i wish i had considered someone elses feelings more than i did. i know this boyfriend is aware of our history, even if it was only mentioned once, but i doubt hed believe me if i told him i didnt want to fuck you. im not thinking that way in my life right now. your eyes tell me that youd understand but i didnt need that confirmation to know that its true...its a feeling. i tend to look away from people when im speaking to them in order to gather my thoughts but that night in the crowded bar that i had never been to before i couldnt tear my gaze from yours unless i was leaning in for you to tell me what you were saying directly in my ear to overcome the noise and for me to smell your neck. but as soon as that brief moment ended we were right back to eye contact. it was like we were having a staring contest but neither of us remembered the rules. im so glad that were still friends. we see each other rarely and each time it feels like treasure. im assuming we will never share a bed again but it makes me so happy that we tried it out that one night a long time ago. now we can think about it whenever we stare at each other because we are two people who are brave enough to hug that feeling that we created once we experimented with our own special romance and hug it tight, with a soft smile and eye contact and hugs between the two of us that last just a little bit longer than they would for the normal friend. i dont even think i said goodbye to you that night. not on purpose but i was already outside the building having a cigarette when the cold reached my bones and i decided to split. i thought about you while my car was warming up and i thought about going back in to say goodbye and hug you once more but not that seriously, more in a romanticized version of life that immediate versions of ideas get filtered into in my head. instead i soft smiled again and drove home. i didnt think about you during the drive but im thinking about you now. i wonder if weve ever thought about each other during the same time. that wouldnt surprise me. youre a very special friend and im happy we had a special time together that one night a long time ago

-- -- --

i dont know what it is but every move i make tonight feels wrong. when the words come out of my mouth i just wish i hadnt said anything and the responses of my friends make me feel as if they agree- not mean, maybe even a little sympathetic, but very unenthusiastic. im usually confident in myself and my friends love for me but not tonight. i got here first and there are only 5 other people here so i cant just leave easily even tho thats what my emotions would prefer. i cant get my smile as big as normal and i cant hold it for more than a couple seconds either. i refuse to go on my phone in situations such as these so i observe the room im in and try to breathe. i dont want to run away i just feel like giving up and going home to cuddle with my cats on my purple couch and watch some youtube videos before i read and fall asleep. i just dont think i want to smile or talk right now but the pressure of the situation has gotten to me and i can tell that im not being authentic with myself. but sometimes you just have to sacrifice your own desires for the people you love on their birthdays. im glad im here, really i am, i just couldnt have predicted id be feeling this way at this moment. i dont believe i have any control over it now, its too far along, so until the night reaches a reasonable time to drive back im stuck here. im sorry birthday boy, thats just how im feeling tonight, it has nothing to do with you. welcome to 25, i love you so much, i hope you like the mezcal i got you. i dont know whether to sit or stand or when to listen or when to talk and im very aware of every move i make. the key is to not focus on how you may be perceived and to only focus on your authentic self and be lead by that mindset but life doesn't always allow you to exist in that pretense, sometimes your mind is cloudy and you just gotta sit it out on the bench in your mind. its hard to be natural all the time, impossible actually. at least i recognize that

2/7/22

i wake up and my room is still dark, but instead of the black blanket i fell asleep in i can tell that its transitioning to the deep blue that means the sun will be up within the hour. i can feel the sleep in my eyes but im so excited to be awake. the dream that im leaving still lingers in my head as i transition my thoughts from internal to external and the first conscious focus i have is remembering that i dont have any plans today. winter is difficult here but ive been doing a really great job at keeping my spirits up so far- although the funny part about that is i couldnt tell you how. im not the best at giving advice if its not for myself. how could i? i dont know the nuances of anyones life but my own and advice attempts a "one size fits all" approach to a uniquely individual world. i know its not that serious but i think that to myself every so often. i have a lot of friends but i dont think i have that many who appreciate a "comfortable solitude" like the kind ive been finding myself in. but then again this is new to me as well. i feel further from people i love but i feel closer to myself and to me its a no brainer that this is an improvement, all things considered. this is why im so excited this morning. as the years continue to come and go the childlike elation you wake up to on christmas day takes a pretty steep decline until you dont feel it at all. this always made me sad, even if only a little, as im sure it does most other people reflecting on their youth. this is because of all the cliche reasons that come to mind when you think about why that is- cliches are always true, that is their nature. regardless, im here today having rediscovered that spark of excitement at the coming day, particularly in the early morning. to my surprise and delight, it seems as tho the flame was never fully extinguished. i have all day today to do whatever it is that i want. and i have many of these days in a calendar year. being awake means more knowledge and experience no matter what i choose to do and now i always choose to do what i want exactly when i want to do it. ive built the discipline into my lifestyle enough that im able to refrain from the immediate pleasures that once had me kicking and punching while being lifted up by the collar of my robe. ive become a napper after refusing to sleep more than once in a day for so long and i think its because ive stopped wearing my contacts almost altogether. i wake up this morning and i feel like i belong to the space that im in, like anything i do is correct, only because ive chosen to do it. nothing is a fluke, i am here and i deserve to be here, alive and happy to be alive. this is where i find my inspiration to create and i guess, really, to continue to live. not that i needed much convincing but its a very nice addition. im still always smiling but now its a soft smile instead of a manic smile. 25 really was the year i stopped feeling like i was going to die, as tho something terrible was going to happen to me as soon as i stepped out from every corner i approached throughout each day i made it thru. i wake up and i am comfortable with being awake. i wake up and i dont want to hide from anything. when i wake up now my baseline is steady like it was when i was a kid but now i have the brain of an adult and since its just stopped growing it makes me even more excited because i imagine it means i will know what to expect out of the decades to come. today is february 7th, 2022, i am here and i deserve to be here, and i always will, taking up the space im allowed to take up, making best friends with myself and giving just as much energy as i receive from being alive today and every other day that is yet to come. i look forward to them

2/6/22

ive just discovered that my superpower revolves around nostalgia. i look forward to the future so much and for the sole reason of being able to look back on the past and reflect on who i was and who ive become since then. and in turn ive gained the ability to feel nostalgic, truly nostalgic, about the present im living in. i dont know how to describe it better or more succinctly than that but i tell you its true. the feeling i so often sit with in my chest and the emotions that i become make it unbearable but i sit there with a smile because its still somehow so magnificent. i cant determine exactly when i found myself on this path but its proven itself to me for enough time now for me to believe the future that i envision so much which, in turn, means that the versions of myself that ive come to desire will come true no matter what i do as long as i continue to wake up each morning. it bears repeating: this is my superpower. i am the superhero of my own life and the power i wield is enough to paralyze any person alive if they allow me to get close to them because unlike those with strength my effect needs an infiltration period. but give me that period and we can be shipwrecked by nostalgia together. i want you there, i want everyone ive known and loved for even one second to join me in the perpetual state of longing for things you have already achieved, not because of any apparent skill or luck but by the grace of the gift of being alive and emerging from your dreams once again and being greeted by the also rising sun. all the lovers ive once held close in my thoughts will become my reality because i feel too profoundly to be stuck in only one timeline. all the time ive spent alone will suddenly exist alongside various partners in life that ive picked up on my travels and who have simultaneously decided to let me tag along in their own. no matter what, no matter how long we have been side by side in the world in which youre reading this, i have spent that time loving you and i hope that when you think of me you think of love because after you can no longer touch me or smell me or talk to me and be given my reply, im sure that will be the emotion ive felt most. and you, my sweet friend, will have been a spark of that love. my love of my life has stemmed almost entirely from getting to know you. if you think this is about you then it is. and if youre unsure then humor yourself and convince yourself that it is also about you because youd be surprised at how much love i have to offer. heaven to me is the nostalgia shop and memories are the currency of life so i have nothing to lose. i beg you to feel the same way in order for you to continue to stay by my side. i exist in the realm that is opposite of denial, across the hall but entirely different, my feelings are truer than any words ive ever spoken so how could i possibly explain to you where to meet me? its impossible, but here we are, across the hall from denial, together. im feeling so reflective it could rip a hole thru my chest. you know i want to see you but holding off intensifies the yearning, you understand dont you? i do trust the future. and i think that my newest and most secure confidence in that is because ive discovered my superpower. the fact that i have it is enough to convince me that i will meet my own personal expectations. as if i needed that to begin with! sometimes i dont know how i got so lucky to be myself but then i remember that it took a lot of time to feel what ive felt and come out of it in the way that i have. time and energy. and there is so much more of both. i may not have laser vision but i can touch you deeply and meaningfully and you will know how genuine it is when we experience a moment together that we miss an indescribable amount the very moment that its just finished. i hope you can read this someday...all of you

2/5/22

when i speak in my dreams it sounds similar to the gibberish you hear coming out of the other line of the telephone in the cartoons- that high pitched walla walla talking in cursive sound. its not exactly the same but its in a very similar manner. my mouth doesnt open all the way and it feels like theres some spit thats constantly stuck in between my throat and my teeth, like stalagmites and stalactites of my mouth, they only sway with my breath, they never break loose. my words have always gotta travel thru the shit. but the most notable thing is my jaw. its grinding away with every sentence and as i swivel my head to speak to the room of people that my brain has placed in this dream setting, my jaw zig zags at double the pace of my neck. imagining how i look when all of these things are happening makes me picture a madman so its a good thing im in a dream and there will be no witnesses once i emerge. all of these things are weird, but they arent bad. i guess. whats bad is the back molars, on the right side in particular. there is a thin and sticky goo that keeps the top and bottom teeth together. theyre allowed to move independently but only for as long as i can hold it but they are snapped back together almost immediately after i release the tension. they rub together and make my real life self turn over in my sleep, less than half awake but knowing that something is wrong. im trying to suck in the spit to see if thatll make it any better but the molars are driving me insane. is there any worse feeling than being restricted? being physically restricted to, in effect, restrict your words? for someone who loves to talk as much as i do! its as if ive placed a straight jacket just on my mouth. ive had quite a few dreams of teeth being pulled and while that is unpleasant as well, id rather dream of every tooth being taken out of me one by one than have these dreams of my molars being bound to each other with the goo thats strong as cement. my teeth grind themselves to the nubs and i can taste the debris that flakes on my tongue. i swallow it because theres nowhere for it to go. it doesnt taste like anything other than bad. its so severe on my mental that when i wake up after the tosses and turns it takes me no less than 10 minutes to shake the feeling. my brain cant let it go. to this day im still unable to recall if ive felt this in real life or if it really only has been in my dreams, its as real as the food i eat for breakfast and the furry cats that i take care of. i walk to the bathroom and look in the mirror to try and speed up the process, to convince my brain that it was only playing a trick on itself, but it doesnt help in any significant way. im still sucking in my spit like gail the snail and all i want to do is go back to sleep but i choose to stay awake because i cant risk going back to that state. when its over im okay. of course i am, it was only a dream. thank goodness

2/4/22

every night i sleep in a bed of cat hair and every morning i stretch in the sunbeam for as long as i can until i feel like i could melt. but im a human, im not a kitty, i can do human things like grab onto objects with one hand and speak my mind when im happy or dissatisfied. speaking is the most human thing about me. but lately i keep finding myself deep in the act of trying to express a thought and then poof. my mind goes blank and the only thing i can think about is how i silly i must look feigning to try and find this thought while the other people stare at me to finish. i know that the chances of me picking up where i left off are none but they dont so i end with a pretty anticlimactic sentence and resort back to listening. but i dont feel embarrassed, i rarely feel that emotion, i feel as if its recurrence has placed me in front of the mirror in my mind and made me realize that i dont want to talk as much now. ive spent so much time talking in my life...today i value thinking more than i do speaking. i will admire myself for combining the acts of minding my business and genuinely validating whoever is speaking to me. i will still speak back but i will think more. this is my calm era. my next step forward in my journey is valuing thinking over speaking. i make this decision with a heart and head full of love for myself and nothing else. silly boy...your thoughts exist in a whirlpool, that is the natural state, words are too static and absolute anyway, save them for the conversations that matter more. i am a solar panel, i recharge from the energy that life is generous enough to share with me and i will hold on to that same energy for when its dark and i am by myself. i will not spend so much of it with my breath. save my breath! literally! the most exciting thing about my 25 years being alive so far is this, this period of me, becoming so much more in line with how i want to be. ¡que sera sera!

---

do you see that man over there? yes, the one thats glowing brighter than the sun today. they say if youre near him on an inhale he will suck all of the oxygen around you for himself, but he gives back even more than he took when he lets it all out. he breathes life into strangers and they dont even know that he is the cause of their sudden burst of energy and good vibes. he can stand straight and stretch down until his elbows are on the pavement. that man has more control over his body than anybody else that has ever been alive before. he won most desirable date and best smile in his high school yearbook and when the editor told him he could only have one he chose best smile. the funny thing is he prefers his toothless smile over his open mouthed smile. but both are beautiful. he is like a nightlight when its dark outside, but the bugs never bother him, they only come around when he allows them to, which is still very often because he values a bugs life the same as he does all 20 of his kittens that he fosters. he names them nouns like racecar and bookshelf and nobody ever changes them when they adopt because they end up making sounds and adopting traits of the nouns they are named after. like magic. he can run forever just like forrest gump. once he came to terms that running fast was hurting him he decided to run just a little bit slower and he found that he doesnt ever need to stop. he rarely speaks but when he does he can turn the lightbulb on in your head if you are open to his words. my favorite thing about him is that he will never make you feel stupid and he will never try and one up you for selfish gain, no matter how small a boast or brag it would have been. he keeps his mouth shut, his eyes gentle, and smile soft to make you feel special. he does it because he really believes that you are special. he is the best person i know. he always smells like a mix between lavender and leather and he wont end a hug until both parties are satisfied with it. he puts up stickers around the city and when they leave his hands he never thinks about them again, they are no longer his and function as their own thing with their own gravitational pull, when he passes them he treats them as a stranger would: a nice surprise. he loves to love and he loves to be loved- the wonderful part about that is that he loves easily and is loved easily so it works out for everybody all the time. i could keep going but you just have to experience him. take the good qualities that you want from him as gifts because thats what they are...

2/1/22

keep being normal honey

youre so good at being normal

ive never been so happy to see normality

are you laying down because youre tired or because youre sick? i should stop thinking so much

youre so good at being normal sweet kitty

the sweetest kitty

2/1/22

i do in fact know where im at when im in it

when i look in my rearview mirror at the not so distant past and think of my emotions then, how i always kept the idea of exactly how i wanted to progress during that period in the front of my mind, ive achieved it every time

hindsight is the only way to prove this,

but i must remember that ive always been correct in my assumption that im doing the right thing, moving the right direction, in the right manner

instead of simply trusting that i am- which i should and will continue to do because that is good and healthy- i just need to meet that trust with validation of the past

ive done it before and ill do it again

ill continue to do it again, over and over

in fact, im not sure if my life is the kind of life to not allow it to happen every single time

2/1/22

spend less, but built credit

eat very healthy

consistently wake up early

stretch regularly

meditate regularly

continue to refrain from caffeine

keep reading a lot

buy a home within a couple years

foster kitties

love myself enough to spend so much time alone

trust the universe

spend more time in the quiet

stay calm and content

let architecture inspire me

be consistent

get chores done early

appreciate lounging

learn spanish

remember i can do new things all the time

draw self portraits

learn and not feel defeated

stop myself from spending impulsively

speak my mind

1/28/22

no, please, i dont want to laugh right now

i dont even want to smile. i need to keep a straight face

just a few days i promise

i know its going to be okay but i only know that if im able to focus myself

i look at you and i know that youre going to be okay

of course you are. youve done this before. but im terrified the same way i was once before

im not allowing myself to be dramatic on the outside but the inside says otherwise

at least the inside is solely my own

come cuddle with me baby. i need to monitor you but ill disguise it under the normal circumstances

ive never been happier to see you sprint around the house

tonight i sleep with my door open. a whole new world for you to explore in the safety of nighttime

its your gift for remaining normal and throwing up the poison

ive never been more proud of you

except for the time you did this before

youre a veteran before the age of 2

my little sweetie

1/26/22

my laughter gently fades and i find myself resting with my face to the sun. my eyelids are red from the inside and im taking in how nice the sun feels all over my half naked body. i havent turned the music back on since the last time we came in from the water so the three of us sit there in the quiet together. i can hear the sounds from young people mixed with the sounds from old people around me but life seems to have stopped in this moment, like ive met the apex of a jump on a trampoline but instead of gravity telling me when to come back down im able to choose that moment for myself. my lips part just the smallest bit and i take a deeeep breath in thru my nostrils. then i let it out and focus on the sweat coming out from my skin. i think what an amazing thing it is to have a body that does these kinds of things for you- i dont think id ever remember if it were up to me. then i shift my appreciation to my pulse and follow the tracks back to my source of life, for things tangible and intangible alike. when i think of the heart that i have in my chest i picture the version we have all drawn since we were in kindergarten, i dont ever imagine the tubes and valves, i dont know the accurate way to paint that picture in my mind so i revert back to the version we all like better anyway. it makes me happier to look at it in this fashion- less serious. the afternoon breeze lifts some sand onto my legs and i think what a beautiful thing to be dirty, to have a body that sweats and pumps my blood and is coated in armor that can get dirty without anything really happening. when i was younger i spent a couple summers primarily walking around on my bare feet in the attempt to build callouses- my older cousin could walk on rocks like he was wearing shoes and i was jealous. conditioning your suit of armor to perform better in the wild? it was like leveling up in real life. i will never understand why some people make fun of those with dirty feet- thats what theyre meant for. i point the toes on my feet towards the water and i raise my hands above my horizontal head and stretch as long as i can. another deep inhale. and then exhale. on the release my beautiful body feels as tho its found a bed in the sand worthy of sleeping in. i am so comfortable. i am so relaxed. its 85 degrees and sunny, im next to a clean and cool fresh water lake on a summer day that i dont have to work during. i want to buy a home here. not on the beach of course, but close to it. in minneapolis. i thought i wanted to leave for some time but after this moment i dont think i do, even tho it was fun to flirt with the idea. when i remind myself that i dont need to force experiences for the sake of simply having them it makes me smile. when i remind myself that the only thing i need to do in this life ive been gifted is wake up in the morning and interact with the world around me in whichever way i see fit for that day, the smile gets a little bigger. i could die right now and be happy but id much rather stay alive to experience more moments like the one ive found comfort in right now. nobody remembers what its like to be in the womb but my imagination tells me im correct in assuming this is close to it. i feel a new emotion everyday and i am a more advanced version of myself everyday as well. i appreciate the life ive been gifted and ive begun to count my blessings again. the desire for more has subsided and i am content with the bare essentials. ive chosen to come down from the apex of my trampoline jump into steadiness. one more deep breath. therrre it is

"im hot, you two wanna go in again?"

"in a sec, yeah"

"sure

"put the music back on first, lets smoke this spliff"

"beautiful. what a beautiful day"

"mm hmm"

1/24/22

why are you so mean to me? i understand that i am powerless but can you at least let me pretend that i am autonomous? for the short amount of time i am conscious in this body with this mind of mine, will you allow me some control? i am standing against the wind on the westernmost part of the world. you exist beyond the horizon in a land i do not know. but for the sake of the life you have given me, will you at least acknowledge my words to you? give me the free will ive heard so much about, for everything i want to do never gets started and i cant seem to even begin to figure out why. am i faulty myself or is it the rest of it that is wrong? what is the answer and what is the meaning of it? where are my strings and who controls them? is it you? it must be you. how pitiful it is to exist because of something you know nothing about except the fact that it will never answer you back with a voice, only with symbolisms that you can convince yourself are meaningless. why didnt you warn me? i dont believe in tough love and i dont believe in punishment. but then how can i believe my own existence? look at me! soak with me your waves and make me shiver with your cold, but i will not leave! for what would i go back to? denial for the hope of feeling happy? ignorance, naivety? i will shout at you until i no longer can, not because of my vocal chords failing, but from the lack of sleep and food and water, any of my bodily necessities, whichever takes me first. this is my stronghold. accept the truth in these words or watch me wither in front of you. your own child. can you even hear me? do you speak the languages your children have started? have you ever looked in your rear view mirror for anyone? you gave me the strength to walk on my hind legs but you did not give me enough to endure the rest of your creations. who are you talking to? who else is there with you? why, after all of this, do i still feel the desire to stay alive? is this the emotional version of an achilles heel? the existential yearning to discover, to continue to see more, no matter what it costs you. i am a person amongst billions. i am one life of countless. i am your child, i reject you, but only while my heart beats and my brain pumps because just as my instincts determine how my body survives, there is an innate understanding that you are my creator but i am also you. and i love myself. i will watch the waves until the sea quiets. and only then will i breathe a sigh and return to what i condemn

1/23/22

i was 25 years old when i decided to listen to old people. the amount of knowledge they have is unparalleled and all theyve had to do was be alive to learn it. they are wise from their experiences. im feeling a strong rejection of the judgement i once had for them, assuming they were homogenous, as if everyone over the age of 60 was bitter. angry. upset with those that they had decades between. in reality i could have been described in the same description and it makes me embarrassed. an ability i have is to see myself in everyone i meet and im accepting the elderly version of riley looking me back in the mirror when i speak to old people now. i want to listen to them the way that ill want to be listened to when im old. i have lived decades before you were born son, do you really think you know more than i do? no. not anymore

i wanna be an old man with a house that im proud of. i hope to have a partner around and im sure i will have at least 5 pets. i want the decorations to be so thick that only years of living within these walls could make it look the way that it looks- evidence of my habitat and mine alone. i want it to feel oppressively comfy

1/22/22

when i come outside from the house its darker and the snow is heavier but i feel as if the lantern inside of me was just lit so im okay again. i entered with one emotion and i came out with another- or maybe, im just back to bassline. as if that one emotion i was carrying with me today was erased. im very susceptible to waves of energy, sometimes so that i question whether or not im feeling my own emotions or if im simply just being empathetic to the energy that surrounds me currently. im sure its a bit of both. i call my moms cat an old man because hes turning 11 in a few months. i see his gums getting darker and he huffs and puffs like an old man. but with age hes actually gotten sweeter. i wonder how common that is. he acts tough but he shows his soft side to us a lot more now- i can even rub his long tummy and bury my face in his fur. hes the best friend of my mom and he might be forever- hes been with her thru some lonely times. every time i see him i wonder what my mom will do when he dies. i wonder if shes thought about it. i wonder if he ever gets lonely in that house all by himself. on days like today when i have to go and feed him i feel a little bad for not staying longer but i would just really like to go home now. i tell him ill see him tomorrow and i hope he doesnt feel too alone. i feel selfish for being the highlight of his day and not capitalizing on it for him but im only a human just the way hes only a cat. but we love each other, that im sure of, and even tho we cant express our feelings to one another explicitly i hope he can infer how im feeling. ive heard that animals are good at that- at least better than humans. hes seen me grow and he will die before im done growing but then again i guess he missed a lot of my earlier growth anyway when he was still just a spirit up in heaven. i look forward to communicating with him evenly when we are both beyond this life. i love you percy. you have always been a perfect addition to our family

when you think of me i hope you feel love because when i die im certain that will have been the emotion ive felt most. i wake up hoping to experience love with everyone who comes into work and i go to sleep thinking about all the love i felt today and all the love ill feel tomorrow. its perpetual like that, its an everlasting, cyclical method of living. part of it is natural but part of it has been manufactured by me over my years of life. i am yearning all the time. i yearn so much i dont think ill ever be satisfied, but i dont view this as a bad thing, in fact i believe thats the fuel of my cyclical life of love. do you go out much? well, i used to, friend. but ive been spending a lot of time at home lately. i think i need to recharge for more than just a week. the last 3 months have proven to me that thats true. i want to go out more and feel love there again but that just doesnt feel so right to me at the moment. parallel to how i want to find a new partner to be in love with but i value being alone for the time being more. i think about these two things all of the time. i wake up thinking about these two things and i go to sleep thinking about these two things. im waiting for something magical to happen. it will, trust me, it will. i am a very hopeful person but this kind of thing doesnt need any hope to be fulfilled, its a certainty. certainties prove themselves certain without ever even knowing what hope does.

my dear boy, youre worried sick! 

i think i may have been sick my whole life. oh, but its still been just wonderful hasnt it?

1/9/22

the morning light on a sunday in the winter is shining in blocks thru the large windows that face the street. the opener has been opening for what seems like an hour, although he has lost all track of time- he doesnt even consider looking at the clock nor will he for the rest of this encounter. its quiet and he is in a meditative state, doing his duties but sorting thru his own list of ideas that pertain to him personally. he enjoys this state tho he would never bring it up on his own because he doesnt even recognize it when its happening. its simply organic. he has a good heart. this is why he is not bothered when an older man is seen standing up front in a position that gives the impression he has not only been standing there for a moment or two

im sorry sir i didnt hear you come in. i hope i havent kept you waiting too long

not at all. im in no rush today

is there anything i can help you with right away?

i apologize but i feel its best i admit to you right away that i dont intend to give you any business. im only hoping for a chat

and what would you like to chat about?

i know this place well. and therefore i feel as tho i know you well

pardon me if im mistaken sir but i dont believe weve met before

no. not in the traditional sense. in fact id be surprised if youve ever even seen me before, im usually quite good at knowing when im being perceived. and by that im only being humble. i only appear when the time is right and the time is only right when i want that to be so. and this morning i do

im not sure i follow

then allow me to lead

the dust that dances in the sunbeams stops and so does the sound of the cars outside. everything becomes impossibly still and the openers meditative state achieves something of a zero gravity effect. he has never felt anything like it. this is the first time he has ever been aware of it. how fitting

did something happen?

yes

what are you doing?

its not really up to me when these things happen. i may be a conduit but i am not the producer. this is because of you

am i dying?

no son you are not. your body has much left to live

you never really die you know

i cant describe to you the amount of peace that gives me to hear. i was certain that was true but until it happens you can never be fully convinced

what is happening to me then?

i believe the closest word would be "awakening". it sounds dramatic but its true. imagine your bigger self, the one that has, does, and will exist beyond this world has opened its eyes and sat up in its bed. your time alive as you remember it has only consisted of your bigger self's nap

that sounds exciting

oh it is. that feeling you feel right now- youre always capable of achieving it

how?

that is for you to find out

who are you? are you really here? are you always here?

i am here and i am many other places talking to many different people. i am not always here in this manner but i would say that part of me is always here. i am much larger than i appear to you now. but then again so are you. i cannot accurately describe who i am thru words. i am a feeling. i need to be felt to be understood

how can i feel you?

that is also for you to find out. but it does not need to be in this realm. you have all the present time in the universe to figure that out

youre never as short on time as you think you are

12/30/21

i want you to talk as long as you can, until you feel satisfied with your response, that your thoughts on the topic have been fulfilled enough to move on. i dont want you to sell yourself short. taking time to collect your thoughts is good, encouraged actually. pretend that there is an optional "why?" at the end of every question- i want you to explain your reasoning but its not a requirement. you are encouraged to be as vague or as detailed as your current thoughts on the question are. silence is not a bad thing. i wont be talking to you again until you tell me that youre finished with your response and i ask you the next question. you dont have to follow one train of thought, youre encouraged to jump from idea to idea as you please. it doesnt have to "make sense". lastly, i wont be sharing your responses with anyone else at all without your explicit consent so i hope you feel comfortable enough to speak your mind freely. this audio will go nowhere unless you allow it to. you obviously dont have to answer any question you dont want to

(i want this to be like you are going thru the thought process in real time. you can do a complete 180 from what you started out your response with, that is encouraged if thats how your response feels to take you. talk thru your thoughts out loud, you are in the spotlight with an empty audience and its a beautiful thing. you can think for as long as you want before answering. lastly, there are 21 questions and i will tell you when i just asked the last question)

12/26/21

when i looked down from standing underneath the arch, the enormous, delicate arch, i was nearly paralyzed with fear. i think the only reason i kept inching forward was to avoid embarrassment. it was my turn to get a picture, people had gone in front of me and people were waiting to go after me. i did it in the end but i was wounded, i ran back to safety as soon as my dadd got what we decided we needed.

my desire to be comfortable is self sabotage. at least in the way that i seek it out. i cant sit in the car for a road trip without constantly thinking about when the next time ill be able to go to the bathroom will be, on top of that, im pee shy, will i even be able to go? i think about these things when i dont even need to use the bathroom yet. and it always works out because it always works out. it will work out regardless of whether or not im worrying about it. i can tell you that with certainty.

i want to exercise my body and my mind in uncomfortable settings, while still being kind to myself. im always striving to be calm and content, this is something i dont want to change, but i should put so much effort into being physically comfortable. being physically comfortable is out of my control more often than i believed previously so let me instead practice how to be a person who can strive towards calm and content by being able to perform the actions that will get him there even when he is not in his ideal state of comfort. because that is unrealistic.

one of my least favorite feelings is when i have a hiccup in my mood and my breathing and heart beat become misaligned which leads to those surges of worry and fear which quickly becomes a self-sustaining cycle.

12/24/21

i reach out to touch the rock and think "im touching the grand canyon". i dont know if ive ever seen anything so big. i doubt i have and i doubt i will. im embarrassed to say but the first thought that crossed my mind when i saw the view before me was that it felt as though i were looking at an IMAX screen. it just doesnt look real to me, i dont think my brain knows how to process it. but instead of needing to leave my seat when the screen shuts off i can look for however long i please. this view isnt going anywhere. it wobbles my knees too much for this to only be a projection- my body must know that this is real because i sense danger and feel fearful. i begin to descend into the canyon with shaky legs and my heart rate continues to rise. im doing this despite the fact that im very scared. its the same primal fear and respect i feel towards the ocean, unable to be fully reproduced until im standing in front of it once again. and i always take a dip in there too. its a humbling experience.

12/23/21

the light from the city makes the mountaintop glow, like a halo hover around a saints head. im not religious but it feels like im looking at something religious. divine actually. the light makes me feel how the greeks must have felt about mount olympus. it looks like a sunset except this one glows pure white and it doesnt go down, only fades away when the sun comes back in the morning to reclaim its domain. but i remember that even tho i cant see the light from the city, its always there. the sun goes down and comes back up which signifies a day, the passing of time, whereas the lights from the city never turn off. they are more constant than nature. the time that they exist in is perpetual, it is a vacuum, a distant planet, and some people never leave.

12/20/21

the day i wrote the words above i didnt make the coffee and it was great. it did not impact my day at all

the day after, i did make the coffee, and it was too much. all i could do was notice how much it was impacting me in a negative way

today and yesterday i have not made coffee and i have not entertained the idea of making any

im a sensitive boy, both emotionally and physically, what can i say?

12/20/21

lazy days are rest

i need as much rest as cats

being alive is enough

(that is always true)

being content doesnt mean i have to smile

i cherish my home and i want to be here as much as i can when its cold

i need to get that fucking worm out of my brain that tells me its corny when someone is expressing themselves- i need to instead be happy and inspired that they are brave enough to do such a thing. i need to stop thinking that they arent doing it genuinely (even if they arent) and that i somehow know more than them or some secret they dont. thats whats corny. i dont wanna be corny, i just wanna be inspired and act on the inspiration. but lazy days are okay too

its okay to sit and stare out a window and just think. its probably a healthy thing

i want to feel excited for plans that i make and not bothered. im the one who made them. there is responsibility there but all i have to do is look at it differently, the lens is the crucial aspect of this, i always come out of an experience with someone happy that i did that with them and i should recognize this always because its the worry in me that makes me dread the event. but even tho the worry is real it doesnt reflect reality

i treat my kitties as the individual, autonomous lives that they are. we are all equal in our house

im enjoying letting my hair and facial hair grow

im also enjoying not looking for sex or romance

ive got a lot of good things going

12/17/21

if i make this cup of coffee

it will bring me pleasure

i will feel cozy and embrace the feeling of morning

it will make me content and warm

it will satisfy my habitual nature

i will be giving myself a treat that is effortless and costs no money

i will simply be doing something that the entire rest of the world does as well

i will not feel ashamed even tho i potentially set myself up for failure

if i dont make this cup of coffee

i will be playing it safe in a good way

theres a much higher guarantee that my mood will remain calm and clear

i will certainly not have an underlying feeling of anxiety for the next few hours

i will be exercising my self control

i will look back on this morning and feel proud that i refrained

i will be living in line with a life less focused on outside forces influencing me and my body

i can make something else warm even tho it will not be as satisfying

12/8/21

slowly but surely i think im becoming better

at truly living just one day at a time

my need

(that im trying 

[and succeeding] 

to shake)

to have stability that lasts me years at a time so as not to have to think about day to day actions, to be able to coast thru a day in the life of riley quinlan, unbothered and uninterrupted with creative or exploratory thought, is fading

i no longer place the same emphasis on that desire. it doesnt feel as important to me. it feels much better to bend and twist with my life and all the things i find myself surrounded by

i think its becoming clear to me that the way that i wanted to live took divergent paths and the further and further they grew apart from each other i couldnt keep them tied together. my arms are only so long

and ive discovered which path i want to choose

the one less traveled by

(that was just a joke!)

i was thinking this morning about how my "need" to pick new hobbies or routines, a need that ive kind of always had, and to stick with them as if this introduction serves as the first day of the rest of our lives together was not only unrealistic, it was really just a very rudimentary way to set myself up for failure. some peoples self sabotage is elaborate, more abstract and hard to pinpoint, maybe even camouflaged as self help or productive activity. whatever that means. mine was very simple (and i do say was, past tense, dont get it twisted, we are expelling this immediately), it was my marrying a new idea without dating it first. i wouldnt even flirt, i would admire from afar and pounce on it! this is what i want! now and forever, i am going to become a _____! this will make me happy! lo and behold, like over half of modern day marriages it would end in divorce. there was no prenup and the idea i would have died for has now taken a piece of me with it. to no ones fault but my own. to put this explicitly (and just for the sake of my future self looking back on this and not really understanding what im saying anymore- ps, hello future me!), this is my studying spanish every day vs not at all. same for practicing piano, meditating, making sounds on logic, going on runs. every single day of my life for the rest of my life or slamming the door shut on this idea forever to let the dust gather and hide the thought from my mind that this ever even existed in the first place. when i wake up in the morning, i want some sort of routine, but i believe myself to have a routine at my most basic description of who i, riley quinlan, am. in other words i dont think i could change my life drastically enough to where i wouldnt have some sort of blueprint for how my day is going to go without it turning unhealthy. unhealthy in the opposite direction of what im speaking on now. in other other words, i dont need explicit activities that are all extremely taxing on my mind and take nothing but undivided effort and concentration to guide me thru my day. i do that inherently. so instead of marrying these ideas, let me wake up and see how im feeling, checking in with my body and my mind and my breath. my wellbeing for today. and go from there. i can page thru a photo book while sipping my coffee, i can write some ideas down that are on my current state of mind, i could watch a movie, smoke a spliff, do some stretches, make a nice lunch. these are things i almost always enjoy and i want to start treating productivity as productive to my wellbeing rather than my output. the only true and important portfolio resides in my head, the same place where i keep my memories. and after all of this, im certain that this provides me with the best lived experience for me, riley quinlan, possible. all of the things that i want to accomplish and thrive in happen after i make this attitude towards life my new, and very much flexible and stretchy, routine.

12/6/21

i look forward to a scenario which only certain death can bring

the moment when i have reached the top step of the infinite staircase

and all of the ugly puzzle pieces ive been trying so desperately to mold together fall into place

all on their own

i cant explain it yet, but every voice and every sentence starts to make sense in the same way that deja vu makes sense. life ceases to be linear. how naive i was to live that way for so long! i begin to laugh because i find it silly how obvious hindsight has just revealed this to have been. directly in front of me the entire time, yet i remained blind. somewhat willingly too! but no matter. the lucid dream and my sentient life begin to twirl like the double helixes that make life unique here. ive never passed out before but it seems like im going unconscious- as one pair of eyes closes, my other pair of eyes open at the same rate for what seems like the very first time. i dont need glasses for this pair. i wipe the gunk away and im thrilled

then i am gifted with the knowledge of the universe

and i feel the clarity i have longed for since i became a thinking person

"ohhh of course! it all makes sense now! i should have known!"

i can laugh until the tears trickle down my cheeks

and then breathe my deepest and final sigh of relief

before closing my eyes and resting my precious head on the bosom of mother nature herself

a child returned home after a field trip

"did you have fun dear?"

"yes mother. but im happy to be home now. i could have never known how much i would miss it here. and how much i would miss you. you see its funny, i enjoyed my time but it wasnt all fun. in fact a lot of it was scary. i discovered the fear that underlies every moment of confusion and how you can never feel content if youre standing on wobbly ground. instability was the most frightening thing i could have ever imagined. but floating here with you, once again after a lifetime away, i dont need a floor to stand on at all. as a matter of fact i much prefer to be weightless, coasting with the energy that is surrounding us, the energy that is almost invisible down there. it was the environment that made me unhappy. i wasnt brave enough to rise above the oppressive climate that was waiting for me there- not made by you, but by some of the other people on their own field trips. i dont resent them for it but i wish it wasnt there. but i did have a good time mother, i really did. thank you for letting me go. oh how i missed you! can i go again sometime later? i promise it wont be soon, i dont imagine ill be leaving your side for a very long time. i could float here forever. and i can float here forever right mom? right?"

this is the beginning of the endless dream that ive wanted for as long as i can remember

when the dmt explosion erupts from my brain stem and guides me away from the reality i have become so used to, washes me with peace, content, and calm, my blinders gently taken off, folded small, and recycled for the next life to experience what its like to be an authentic human being on the planet earth.

you can cry its okay

12/5/21

laugh with lil b but dont laugh at lil b. laughing at lil b is like laughing at what makes you a human being, coexisting with other human beings and valuing our shared traits end environment. let me always remember that lil b made me ugly cry in front of my computer for being who he is. i cant think of anybody as real as he is. i dont know if ive realized it until right now but lil b lives the direction of lifestyle that i want to live- i have my shortcomings, im sure he does too, but i would wager that he has much less than i do. i feel too influenced by what other people think of me and that limits my creativity, authenticity, my impact, and my drive. i am writing this right now for myself, not for anybody else, i started writing this out to post on instagram but fuck that noise!!! real life is not about portrayal, its about authenticity. integrity. how human you can be. tapping into emotions and pushing on them to feel even deeper the feeling thats in the spotlight right now. i dont want to be private, in fact i want to be the opposite because i think the most i can do with my life is to be public and share what i have, gaining and gathering from others along the way as i allow others to gain and gather from me, i just need to remember to be public without paying ANY THOUGHT TO HOW I MIGHT BE PERCEIVED. THIS LESSENS MY IMPACT AND MY AUTHENTICITY! NO MORE IM SORRYS OR BUTS OR BACKTRACKING TO SAVE FACE! i dont need to reply. i can post and walk away and never. ever. come. back. just keep moving forward and posting and crafting and making private ideas public domain. MAKE PRIVATE IDEAS PUBLIC DOMAIN!

a favorite smell of mine is my armpits after a night's worth of sleep. i prefer to exercise my mind instead of my body. something that makes me the most emotional is when someone does something they love and excels at it and their parents finally react positively towards it after feeling disapproval for so long.

12/4/21

experiences and circumstances are only real to you if you can relate to them. if you cant, then it boils down to trusting that another person is going thru something that you never have but acknowledging that it is still very much a reality. i have a lot of trust

the last two months, the time period i lived in without having a job, was a necessary break from the life i was living. at the end of it, it was so beneficial that i didnt even have to jump back into the life i was living, i simply began a new one

it sounds great on paper. i had no job and no responsibilities that were pressing me for the entire duration. each day i woke up in an empty field and i could choose which direction i wanted to pursue

12/3/21

during childhood i thought about my future self as someone who had achieved all that was important to me. a separate person who had crossed the finish line of growth and was able to coast with the winds of life feeling happy and content. and i thought it would be like that for decades. like 80% of your life. nothing would be sad or confusing because that only happens when your mind and your body go thru their inevitable growth spurts, of course there is going to be change and uncertainty, its just built into life when youre young. i knew the path that lay before me would continue to be covered in mist so i was never sure how or when i would get to that point, but it was always a certainty that i would

during adulthood i look back on my past self also as a separate person. but instead of holding such a deep unconscious hope mixed with the excitement that comes with wonder, pure wonder, i know exactly what happens. i can look back on my path and see the footprints ive made. they will not be washed away by the tide because that is not how these kind of footprints work

theres a sadness that comes with this reality. really theres multiple. the first and most obvious is how the idea of finish lines existing has ceased to exist in my view of what it means to be a person. you mean theres no coasting? no buddy, there isnt. im sorry but there never was. it was understandable for you to think so and i believe that you were more right than wrong, but it cant be that way purely. life becomes a mixture of greys so nothing is ever really pure. but that doesnt mean it cant partially exist so dont be sad about it. and im not sad about it. sadness itself doesnt have to mean that i feel sad and mopey, it can exist separately. its more of a reality check

but then i look back on myself, smiling, confused, but happy about experiencing life (although i would not be able to put it into those words), and knowing that it wont stay this way. this is what makes me want to weep until i have expelled the ability to produce more tears even tho the burden of living life in another manmade day wont let me because theres just not enough time to give into any of my emotions. to look back in hindsight as a time traveler is the most bittersweet experience i can imagine because i can tap into those emotions i once had and get my fix from them, but then theres the crash. when i was young i was sober and did not know what the body will do when it yearns for that foreign substance youve decided to introduce- oh we didnt have to make this on our own? we can search for something, find it, and feel it? well then gimme gimme gimme! and if we dont then i will be certain to make us feel awful! i will sink this ship and die with you, it would be better to stop being alive if we cant feel good every moment of our existence together!

reflecting on my childhood makes me want a child of my own. a reproduction of myself. and i admit it feels like i want to right the wrongs that i felt or was led to believe, i admit that its selfish, but doesnt everybody feel that way?

12/3/21

am i not still as alive as everybody else even if i dont leave the house? yes, its a gorgeous day, i can see that from my window but right now thats where i want to keep it. most of the people i see outside began their day indoors and will end it the same, ive just beaten them to the punch. i dont have to be depressed to want to stay inside. i dont have to feel any way about it at all actually. this is not a bitter entry. just an expression of reaffirmation.

11/27/21

pumping out every last drop

rhythmic and constant

the physical act of release

of completion

of love

i feel empathy when it isnt my own

a happy, warm empathy

little white butterflies flutter in my tummy

and the softest grin begins to fill my face

my eyes close gently and without a sound

this time my only release is my breath

ive put on the appearance of contentment

i rest my eyeglasses on the bedside table and curl into the fetal position

how fitting

ive achieved a level of coziness that sleep could never provide

for a quarter of an hour i breathe soft and slow

the smile never fades

and i emerge from my state with wings for the rest of the day

11/25/21 (from notebook!)

stare into my eyes as long as you can. ill do the same. ill only get uncomfortable if you get uncomfortable. but if we stay eye locked and cozy together we could do this forever. tell me what youre thinking without talking. think about it as hard as you can and give it to me. translate with your eyes. like a staring contest with an added twist. more difficult than writing a book, youre the diving bell and im the butterfly. when our eye contact meets it creates love. sparks fly and when they land theres no fire but theres love. we are infectious. were brave enough to prove our humanity and create love out of nothing other than passion and thin air. we display our ability to feel in front of an audience, not for recognition, but to ignite the flame for others to follow. someone has to cross the dance floor first. how much are we capable of, we push the limits. there are none braver than those who push love to its limits. nobody has seen what love can do and we likely wont be the first but darling we can try. nobody expects to win the lottery, it just happens. i imagine this would be similar although we could be richer than any amount of money could ever make us. it seems to have worked because there are other couples dancing around us, in fact there isnt a pair left sitting, but we couldnt tell you that because we have not broken eye contact. what a dangerous game. each moment that passes without a blink is a moment we will have to climb further out of if we should ever want to break out spell. but i couldnt imagine ever wanting to stop what has begun and i would fall to the floor and weep if you felt differently. you prove to me and we prove to each other that anybody could fall in love with anybody if they tried. if you have a heart and good faith, most do, you can create magic. there is not a feeling more powerful, a feeling more profound, than being aware of a feeling itself, pushing it as far as it can go, no explanation and no reason for they are completely unnecessary, you are a human with a body, a mind and a nervous system, that is all you need to know, i promise nothing else matters now

11/23/21

somedays i sit on my bed for the first hour or two of being awake and just think. i dont really try to but it just ends up happening. and it isnt even really a working-things-out kind of think, its always on top of this underlying, unshakeable feeling of sadness, of no motivation to do anything which leaves me frozen on my bed with a blank expression. these are my depressed days. they come when i realize i still dont know what im supposed to be doing. i love and find joy in so many different things but it just feels to me as if i havent found that one thing that would fulfill me. thats so foreign to me. genuine fulfillment. thats what i really want. maybe i stopped buying lottery tickets for a reason, maybe i figured all the money in the world wouldnt make my life worth living.

thats a bit too harsh, i love living my life, but i guess in terms of fulfillment ive had nothing but time these last few months and it showed me that the days are long. how can life be short if the days are long? i do these things to try and feel fulfilled but i have ample time still to feel as if ive "wasted" more time than that i "spent well". but i mean damn, its all just time. im not even trippin over that. i just want to feel fulfilled. and thats something only i can figure out. and lord knows that ive been trying.

sometimes i fantasize about going to the doctor for the first time in a decade and finding out that i have a horribly rare and deficient disease, the doctor would ask "my god man, how have you been living this way for so long?" and id respond with a solemn shrug, like the weight i feel on my shoulders has finally been validated by someone who has the authority to validate it. as if i could finally laugh a laugh of relief realizing that i wasnt just a loser, that my life actually had a reason that its felt so difficult for so long. but sadness, lack of motivation, depression, it doesnt seem as though they need a reason. they are the reason but its just not a valid enough reason to feel at peace with reality.

i dont hate them though. after all they arent tangible beings, they are fluid just like i am. they are fluid because i am fluid. learning to live alongside this is necessary. its better than it used to be. and im sure it will continue to become better still. i have so much hope still and i dont need a reason to hold on to that. take some of mine if youve lost yours, ive got lots to spare ☻

11/20/21

are you okay?

you dont have to be. everybodys head goes under sometimes. you dont really realize that you arent the only one drowning because when youre drowning you arent exactly concerned with whats around you, youre only focused on yourself. because you have to be. its a funny thing to look back on, really, but its a scary thing when its happening. even when you know that it isnt going to kill you its still the realest thing you could ever imagine because you havent lived a life passed it yet. when its happening thats all you know, you dont know what the future is going to look like even if youre sure that there is a future in front of you. and even still, no matter how strong your feelings are you can never be 100% certain can you? maybe there isnt a future ahead of you. maybe this is actually it. and you would choose to die so nonchalant? heroic in some ways, but tragic in more. at least thats how i see it.

you can talk to me if you want. but im also okay with silence and i want you to know that so you dont feel any pressure to break it. you can also hold my hand if you want. when my head is under i like to reach out for a hand most of the time. everybodys sorrows are their own so i cant say that i understand what youre going thru because, realistically, i dont. even if i knew the details i wouldnt know the feeling. thats for you and you alone, something you wouldnt even be able to ever accurately convey if you wanted to because words themselves will always be limited after a certain degree. but i think thats a comforting thought. everybody else may be drowning around you, with you even, but were all still focused on our own troubles. and i guess that makes it relatable after all doesnt it? what a funny thought.

i dont know what youre going thru but i know what its like to fight the battles inside yourself. they may be different, yours and mine, but we both have them. if i dont feel whole its difficult to pretend like im okay. but sometimes you pretend anyway because explaining is harder- and what could you say anyway? these things arent tangible, i cant just point at something and say "look, this is whats causing me dread". its abstract, it isnt clear and it seems to change its form anyway. what good would describing it do? i dont need advice, i just need comfort. it will go away but i would love to feel safe until it does. i dont like to depend on anybody else but sometimes its a whole lot easier to. im sorry, i dont mean to interject my experience inside your own. i just wanted to tell you that i understand that its happening and im on the outside looking in but you can lean on me. sometimes being alive is enough. we dont always need to be doing something. doing something or not you are always still alive, pushing the present moment on with all of the other infinite life in the universe at this moment in time. and if were all here pushing that present moment forward think of how many other people could use some comfort as well. if you think about it that way maybe we can find the energy to notice the other people drowning around us. and they can notice us. we dont need to be alone in our most vulnerable moments. sometimes we choose to be when we shouldnt be. huh. another funny thought

you see that person over there?

the one in the kitchen. i just cant stop thinking about them. im almost moved to tears and all ive been doing is watching this person work alone in this big industrial kitchen. they look so content, masterful in their moves but i mean thats just what happens when you work at a place for so long. its a very special thing to run a part of a restaurant by yourself. its exhilarating and stressful but it makes you feel alive. time goes slow in the moment but you look at the clock after a busy period and it seems to have been double what you were expecting.

this sounds weird but i feel honored being able to watch them here, where they work and make a living. how many people do they know who love them but have never seen them here where they are the best person alive at what they do? and here i am. a stranger. appreciating that im here with them in this moment but not having any personal association to put that appreciation into. that doesnt matter to me tho, i appreciate in my own way. i hope they feel it. im excited for them to be able to close and go to wherever their home is for the night. i hope theyre content with where they stay. im appreciating their first big sigh when they can get off their feet after making their living for the day. i hope they feel satisfied with the work they did today. and if they dont have enough satisfaction of their own i want them to borrow some of mine because i have too much anyway, my eyes are filled with tears i have so much. if i could hug this person without worrying that i might make them feel uncomfortable, if i knew with certainty that they would understand and maybe even appreciate where i was coming from, i would do that. if i could have a drink with them at their home for the night and chat like old friends i would do that too.

what do you mean you dont have anything good to say?

your life is completely unique to you. you could tell a story describing the objects in your room and nobody on the planet would be able to fully relate to it. if you tell it with enough passion and detail and backstory people might even enjoy it. see, you can make a story out of anything. all you need is a starting point

11/19/21

you and the man you walked by yesterday are equals

you in a suit to satisfy the dress code and he in mismatching jackets to fend off the cold

but you both woke up today, leaving your dreams and opening your eyes to enter the morning

another day alive is a victory

each new day you live thru a win

wipe the gunk from your eyes and fill them with tears

to be moved by admitting that we are all just the same

is a human achievement that shifts the reality

that many men before have created to selfishly manipulate

i have fallen to my knees and wept before the universe

for not realizing this sooner

im sorry sir. i dont have any spare money but i can give you a moment of my time

to validate your existence and in turn validate my own

i wont pretend i dont see you anymore

or that my ears are too full of busy thoughts to acknowledge your greeting

you were once a baby

and i was once a baby

and here we are today

face to face, communicating

smiling. shaking hands

and crying.

we express and demonstrate our emotions to each other because we can

we push on them harder to feel even more just because we are able to

there is nothing more human than to feel

and to be moved. and thru the easiest method of interacting with someone else

we wonder why we would ever have to limit that

you seem calmer than i am

you seem kinder than i am

im so worried and scared all the time. for no other reason than being alive

but we are here together in this moment at the same time, alive and breathing from the same air

this is the furthest moment mankind has made it to thus far

and we stand here at the perpetual finish line that is the present together. as equals

i fear i cannot control what is out of my jurisdiction

i fear the objective truth that is that statement

you have adopted stoicism without even knowing the term for it

we are not equals anymore for i am on my knees again looking up to you for guidance.

you have figured out more in the margins than i ever could in the college ruled lines of this moleskin journal

fuck this suit

11/18/21 - i cant be perfect everyday

i cant be perfect everyday

and i really shouldnt expect to be

please carry my guilt far far away

or it will surely be the death of me

i cant afford to be so hard on myself

while expecting to remain happy

my ambitions gather dust, top shelf

unable to push past failure, sad and sappy

but the body needs rest, time to do nothing

to breathe deep and process your emotions

its hard to be calm in america

but i gotta try and put a halt to my motion

the feeling as if im not doing enough

is embedded in my conscious

it mimics normal body stuff

but in fact its artificial, another capitalist promise

the grindset business school boys preach

is toxic and unhealthy to say the least

their bootstraps pulled up before they could walk

yelling at those without shoes or socks

11/18/21

im always ready for love

appreciate me down to my clean and cut fingernails

11/17/21

maybe i should stop talking so much

ive always been tired of repeating the same things to different people

i dont need to open my door for everyone if pieces of me escape so easily

this feels like my hibernation

a desperately needed hibernation

i dont want to be around anyone. but im not mad or upset at anyone or anything

its been getting easier to just tell people no but it still is hard for me

i wish they just wouldnt ask me anything

or show me anything or talk to me in general

but its a good problem to have, people loving you and wanting to see you or chat

im fortunate

a fortunate boy in a bizarre place he hasnt quite been before

im delicate and vulnerable and fragile but resilient and strong and flexible all at the same time

im building my supersuit underneath my cocoon

and when the headaches and tired eyes become just a nuisance rather than the norm

i will emerge. beautifully. victorious

11/16/21 - letting energy flow thru me, not holding in my own

here i am, unscrewing the cap to my dome

scraping a knife across the top to get rid of the foam

realizing its better to let it overflow

than boil up inside with nowhere to go

a sponge to the surroundings just looking for a squeeze

the ooze of the energy gets caught up in the breeze

it finds me and i feel it, but its dark, i cant see

my eyes roll back, ive lost control, im lifted off my feet

in this state i cant move

im rendered immobile

i feel more than is possible

naked and vulnerable

im never more scared

than when it takes hold

the infinite energy

its power untold

entryways and exit points all throughout my body

like a sail riddled with holes, a different kind of odyssey

the energy of life at sea level during high tide

the breeze brings you in and out of me, no more stuck inside

im immobile and im scared

am i possessed? am i crazy?

is there any going back?

all i feel is terror inside me

and dread waiting on the outside

is there another way out aside death?

oh please somebody help me!

i shriek with what feels like my final breath

let me go, let me flow, let me know but let me grow

here i am, letting myself breathe

a conduit to all of life's energies

thrown around daily but impossible to see

at least in the default state of being

here i am, beginning to understand the emotion within me

not just a product of what i once thought was instability

but ive got entryways all throughout my beautiful body

an empathetic reality

11/15/21

i remember the staircase going down to her basement where we would watch movies on her carpeted floor underneath the blanket so when her mom would come down the stairs she wouldnt be able to see where our hands were. that feeling of being secret and exploring something so new was so fun my heart just about couldnt take it it was beating so fast. her house had such a warm smell. so comforting. and her room. that small room with mint green walls with a window that opened up to the backyard. thats where the smell came from. her bed against the corner. and i remember the day that she first put lotion on her hands and felt me down there after she had asked me to put lotion on my hands and touch her chest. that was the first time that i really felt completely vulnerable but needing it to keep going. vulnerable in a protected way. in a way that i knew if it were to keep happening this thing that has made me feel so good in the past could get even better when someone else was the one doing it to you. i had no idea it could get better. she would clean me up with a smile on her face and throw the tissues away in the bathroom garbage where it was covered and not out in the open like the one in her room was.

i remember how sad it was the day that they moved. and we stood in her room and we cried together. it may have been the house that she grew up in but i spent the last 2 years of that houses life with them in it there as well. it meant something to me too. and i remember she wrote on a note that she left in her room to the new house-owners that she hoped that they would like it and grow with it just as they had and as much as they had. she taught me so much about relationships. 

later on she wouldnt be able to give me what i needed, or i should say wanted, but i dont think i needed her to. i think i knew of course we werent gonna be together forever but i was very very happy pretending that we would be. because at that point in my life i didnt want anything else. she really taught me what it was like to be vulnerable with a person. she taught me what it was like to be held by another person. i was truly vulnerable with her and i dont think im truly vulnerable with that many people. for me it takes a long time, not on purpose. and its not like a flip of the switch. i think after its happened i look back on it in hindsight and just realize that it happened and i didnt even know it. but i think thats just what the deepest kind of love feels like. i still kind of hope that in the future one day we can be together. even if just for 1 night. because due to the simple fact that that part of our lives is over forever, shes the only person in the world who could provide me with the feeling that that would give me. theres no one else i could loop back to the way that i could loop back to her. i wonder if she would think that that was weird if i asked her. part of me thinks she would, most of me thinks she would, but i think she would understand. 

i wish i could go back to that house. and smell its smell. and be on her bed in the corner of the room. cuddled up and to be authentically surprised to discover the height of such a new pleasure. and to think that wasnt even half of my life ago. i think thats a lovely thought

11/14/21

doing what you want when you want is such an admirable and attractive place to be at. but for it to be healthy, you already need to have been in an admirable mindset. when i masturbate twice a day for a week and a half straight, im fucking up my dopamine. but i dont need to be a participant of no nut november in order for me to demonstrate self control. life isnt black and white and its not all or nothing either. the key to all of this is to develop healthy habits that demonstrate discipline alongside indulgence, so constantly that it becomes the norm. i imagine it like a sound wave, peaks and valleys, ultimately canceling each other out to create your own homeostasis in the 21st century, a new beautiful and new natural sound that youve created for yourself. if canceling healthy habits are the key than the personalization of broader lessons is the lock. nobody knows what will work for you except for you. and you wont know what will work for you until you try out different methods. equations can solve math problems but they cant produce an outcome for one human to the next. i try out my different habits like outfits on the runway, with my chin to the sky, confident and as if ive been doing the same thing for my entire existence when in reality its as new to me as it is to you, the noticer. if it doesnt click i simply walk back behind stage and change. not the whole outfit, and less and less changed pieces with each lap. i take inspiration from everybody, my door always remains open a crack at least. a stranger will say a sentence loud enough for me to hear that alters the way i look at life forever. thats not a joke or exaggeration, its true. im very impressionable and im very happy that i am. i must have dozens of layers that have gone into my current runway outfit by now and there is no end in sight! there is no finish line on the runway because why would i ever want to stop showing you how much better ive become?

11/12/21

i could cry you make me feel so special

with your limp body resting on my lap

you make awkward positions look luxurious and special

i could learn a thing from you

you dont need your eyes open because you trust me

thank you

you are my best friend

you are gorgeous

you mesmerize me just by being you. i cant put into words how happy i am that we get to live together. i could watch you forever. sometimes i do

i love when we talk back and forth to each other. im glad you found your voice. i dont mind when you whine because it means that we get to communicate

i think youre in love with me

i know im in love with you

the drawing of us hangs above my bed, you resting in my lap

my favorite position immortalized, your favorite place to nap

your purring tells me that im doing something right

i hold your paw and think its sweet to feel such a tiny limb

you squeeze yours claws out to hold mine back

you start to twitch and i know ive done it

ive soothed you to sleep

my mission is accomplished so i take my glasses off and close my eyes as well

im just as comfortable with you as you are with me so i start to purr too

a boy and his kitty

my best friend, bubblegum

Completely limp!!! Vulnerable

you deserve a life of uninterrupted content

and one of my many duties in life is to provide that for you

i hope you can feel how much i love you

my words met with your meows,

we cant understand each other but i know were on the same page

oh sweetheart. i would do anything for you

You must know my smell better than anyone else

The sound of my footsteps, my voice in all its pitches

I doubt a human alive knows me in the ways that you do

I yearn to be consistent if not only just for you, my sweet little angel

I lay down next to you because I feel a little needy

You look me in my eyes and lay down further to stretch out and get more comfortable

You start to purr as soon as my head rests on your chest

I try and match your breathing to get that much closer to you and tell you how much you mean to me without opening my mouth

11/8/21

how foolish of me to think i could run a marathon 

after not having been on a jog in half a year

the same desire is in me to make music

but nothing i make would be easy on the ears

its not for lack of ambition

or lack of attempts been had

its only due to premature leaps

i need to take a few steps back

i need to view the earth before me

and figure out my steps

to plan ahead and know it takes time

breathe in and breathe out, my deepest breaths

there is so much on the plate in my head and even tho ive narrowed down my ambitions it still seems overwhelming. but so much of that is due to how i want to accomplish all of these things right away but the things i want to accomplish take time, a lot of it, by default to complete. similar to how i feel about becoming an improved person- there is no end goal- once i cross the line into fluency its an abstract journey that is nothing short of solely individualistic. but i have to cross that line first. i am not there yet and im not even close. thats okay, i can say that with a smile. ive been so hard on myself in the past because i was upset i couldnt create what i wanted to. but realizing that it wasnt my vision that was lacking, only my knowledge and skill in the alleys that i found myself wandering down. that was reassuring. so for now i choose to write, continue to write even more than i have in the past, because someday i want to make something big with all of my writings over the years. there is nothing that reflects me more accurately aside from my own human self in real life. i will build the skill needed slowly and over time, continuously and with ambition. one day before i know it i will be fluent in all of the things that i want right now. and then i will have my superpowers. then i will shake the surface of the earth

11/5/21

hush your thoughts sweet boy

let them into your clear blue mind as they come and out as they go

forming, morphing, evaporating the way clouds do

they are not bad

and they are not good

they only are

observe and appreciate them for the fact that you are able to create such fluffy thoughts

but remember you cannot rest on them the way cartoons have taught you

they are not solid so they cannot be obstacles

they are not good

but they are not bad

they only are

there is nothing but time to exist, to create and express, to understand and be understood

there is so much time that the word time seems to lose all meaning

continue to be led by your heart

and trust your head to provide your comfort

instead of your dismay. no more dismay

freedom is forward

the enchiridion - epictetus

"if you take for your own only that which is your own and view what belongs to others just as it really is, then no one will ever compel you, no one will restrict you; you will find fault with no one, you will accuse no one, you will do nothing against your will; no one will hurt you, you will not have an enemy, nor will you suffer any harm."

- remove the 'habit of aversion' towards things you cant control (death/sickness). desire only what is in your control and yours alone.

- we are not disturbed by things themselves, rather the view we have of them. death is not bad, our view of it is. my view of it is. let me not project.

"demand not that events happen as you wish; but wish them to happen as they do happen, and you will go on well"

- things that happen to the body do not happen to your will/who you are unless you let them

"it were better to die of hunger, exempt from grief and fear, than to live in affluence with perturbation"

- always remember the difference between your own self and others. dont project your desires on to someone else. not only is it unfair, you also set yourself up for failure.

"is anything brought round to you? put your hand out and take a moderate share. does it pass by you? do not stop it. is it not yet come? do not yearn in desire toward it, but wait til it reaches you"

"what hurt this man is not the occurrence itself- for another man might not be hurt by it- but the view he chooses to take of it"

- it is up to you to find the good, the positive meaning, in all situations

"IF IT IS AMONG THE THINGS NOT WITHIN OUR POWER, IT CAN BY NO MEANS BE EITHER GOOD OR EVIL"

"every event is indifferent and nothing to you. of whatever sort it may be; for it will be in your power to make a right use of it, and this no one can hinder"

"if anyone tells you that a certain person speaks ill of you, do not make excuses about what is said of you, but answer: 'he was ignorant of my other faults, else he would not have mentioned those alone"

- things of the body should be done incidentally and our main strength be applied to our reason

"whatever rules you have adopted, abide by them as laws"

10/29/21 (from notebook!)

i have fallen in love with too many people to count. simply walking alongside a well dressed person who smells good for more than a couple seconds is romantic to me. i look at those walking against me with kindness and desire. theyre extra special if they make me look away first. i go to soho and the fashion district to surround myself with the highest concentration of my fantasy lovers. i dont think ive ever seen so much beauty in such a short amount of time. my heart just about cant take it. i walked a hundred blocks yesterday and i will walk a hundred more just to be in the presence of as many gorgeous faces as i can. the spell might be broken if i talk to any of them so i never do. i would hate to be a bother. i just admire from a distance and sometimes even up close. im not used to people being so close to me all the time. i could get used to it. its a wonderfully intimate thing

10/28/21 (from notebook!)

i could look in all 4 directions in any given intersection and itd be the highlight of any other city. but here its just the norm. the smell of blunt wraps and kush is everywhere. same with perfume and same with garbage. everyone here is so beautiful and i keep a little longer eye contact with them than i would if i was back home. advertisements are in your view even if your eyes are closed but for some reason i dont mind it. its okay here because thats what makes this city what it is. i could walk these streets and never get bored. this is paradise for the appreciators. everything anyone does here is both shocking and completely unsurprising, both aspects existing at the same time, every time. i want to take photos of everyone i walk passed but im too stupefied with wonder that im paralyzed, all i know in this moment is to move my feet and drink my coffee, maybe light a cigarette and try and look a little extra good in this sunlight to fit in with everyone else. it feels like im in love with everyone in the world right now. the man with a long beard and change in his cup and the woman in bright orange trousers, designer shades, and a look on her face that tells me not to talk to her, even in an emergency. i have to pee but i cant imagine they have public restrooms anywhere or else the lines would take longer than the traffic. its a wonderful thing to feel so insignificant. although i hope that some people see my bleached hair and black bomber jacket and think that im cute. maybe some people have even noticed my dangly crystal heart earring. what an honor it would be to be noticed here. i would marry the next person that talks to me. what a treat theyd be in for, i smell extra good today and all id ask for in exchange is to house me here in the most beautiful city in the world. ive never seen more people in my life. thats what makes it the most beautiful city in the world. nobody walks here, they dance. there are no partners and there is no intentional eye contact, but the entire grid of this city is a dance floor- how could it not be? you have to weave and you have to walk with intention. more important than that you have to walk with conviction. you need confidence here and if you dont feel it you better pretend you do. jaywalk with the locals, read their actions and imitate, for they are your guides. its a very interesting thing to navigate thru the crowd, noticing and anticipating every strangers move around you yet remaining in your own world and knowing those around you are damn well in their own. this city operates under a different set of rules, there are patrolmen on every corner and in squad cars on every block but they are conditioned to pay no mind to the small infractions. what a lovely thing to take advantage of that. i have never seen so many different styles and face shapes and energies and here they are not on display but they are what makes this city what it is. everyone has their own hustle and there is pride in each of them because they are who makes the city's cogs continue to turn. i am in love with everyone today. i walk with a smile restrained under my straight face because i dont want to stick out. the birds fly over and around me, they must know how happy i am. it feels perverse to be on vacation in the homes of millions and millions. "youre not from here are you?" how could you tell? people walk so close to me i could cry. how strangely intimate. how many footsteps are taken here each day? a number only the universe knows. lost in her knowledge and her knowledge alone

10/25/21

wont you open up a window, get it cold in here

i want it cold in here

tonight i roll out the red carpet for the cold

i welcome it like i welcome an old friend

my 25th year of enduring the northern winds and their arctic chills

i look forward to layering and the crunch of snow beneath my canvas vans

the cold brings the isolation i desire so intensely

shut me up in my cozy little perch

let me work. make me work

make me craft and figure out what it is i want to say

what i want to express and what i want to be understood

i have so much...

the feelings i have of isolation and a love for the cold remind me of my childhood. they remind me of our road trips to south dakota. quiet and observant, like ive always been. we were forced to be humble because we are nothing compared to the deathly frigid temperatures and winds we were met with. theres nothing out there to stop the wind from accelerating to speeds that make going outside a nightmare. the bright side of the cold air is that it forces comfort in any shelter, anywhere with quilts and other warm bodies. youre stuck with those with you, making experiences for you all to remember and cherish as the years roll on, as the cold comes and goes and then comes back again. winter is quieter. the snow muzzles everyday sounds around you and strangers dont want to talk as much. there is almost nothing prettier than a january morning without any clouds and a fresh coat of snow. the winter is harder but it is more rewarding. there is more joy in the mundane. its a torturous friend who doesnt care how youre feeling that day but isnt out to hurt you. its only preoccupied with itself. expressionless

i just finished rewatching little women and it fills me with such emotion. i want a family and i want to experience winter with them. i cant wait to have children who are adults. what a weird thing that will be. how different im sure ill be. how much wiser and accomplished i will feel. i want to watch only movies that depict winter for the time being. it reflects my mood. i want to be alone and happy and full of emotion. vulnerable and quiet, expressing myself thru my words that ive crafted in the manner in which ive created

i want the windows open and the snow in my room

its warmest inside the igloo

have the arctic breeze take me away

trapped alone but content to spend my days

in solitude and figuring out what i want to say

putting messages in bottles and throwing them into the snowbank in my front yard

i dont even need credit

i just want to change the way you feel for a moment

10/21/21

im sitting right on the edge of the great salt lake. it took me about 20 mins to walk to this point from where i parked even though you could see it the whole time. straight shot. just very far away.

i started walking in my slipons but realized the muddy sand meant that id be sinking half an inch every step and as soon as i felt my socks get wet i thought "man. guess this is as far as i go". then i remembered the boots i bought on a whim in boise the other day. theyre in my trunk. i never buy shoes. i prepared myself for this. another sign of validation.

ive always been the kind of person to make lists, the first step of preparation, but id rarely ever put them to use. i would beat myself up for that all the time- knowing exactly what i wanted to do, but never doing it. i feel like thats finally changed. and all of my years of prepping have made me more than ready. i could have done this a long time ago...but it doesnt matter because im doing it now.

my mom mentioned to me the last time we chatted how ive needed all this time to experience the world around me and how i interact with it, how i view it, what i think of it, and she was absolutely right. she said i must be feeling the way i am now because im ready. remember my lack of motivation i used to hate so much? me neither. it just wasnt time.

i had these thoughts on the walk over to the water and i thought "i need to write these down- i wish there was somewhere to sit. oh well, ill just kneel". but when i got to the water there were two bricks waiting for me. in my arbitrary path forward in this vast muddy sand i walked directly towards a stoop for me to sit and jot this down. how magical. validation baby!

i think its also important to recognize that my recent shift in attitude has, i think, been the final piece of the puzzle for this stage in my life. going with the flow, being okay with things that happen to me. old me would have thought that not having something to write on or sit down on would have been "bad". but old me wouldnt have even gotten here because old me wouldnt have had a pair of boots in the trunk! nothing is "good" or "bad"! they just are. to recognize this and to take everything in stride, to meet them where they are in the present, to adapt to the changes they cause you while remembering your path and were you want to get to is the biggest lesson i think ive learned so far.

nothing will ever be achievable by walking in a straight line.

10/19/21

Showered and clean again

And smelling extra good

I was waiting for the Lyft when you canceled on me

If only you had told me no two minutes earlier…

But you’re a stranger. I understand. There’s no hard feelings

At least you told me you weren’t coming

Thank you for that. Sincerely

I told you I’d be here if you change your mind

And I hope you do

But I won’t let this hurt me too much, like it has in the past

I don’t want to live that way anymore

Like my new friend Robert told me:

“Don’t rely on anyone for your happiness”

And although I think he’s delusional,

There’s a lot of truth in that statement

A lot that I want to take with me

As I move forward

As I told him I was doing

So let me drink my share

And smoke my pack

With a smile on my face

My pat on my back

For I’m here with myself

Like I deserve to be

Valid and content

Make this my eternity

10/17/21

its a peculiar thing to be alone for so long. especially when you realize you still have a week more of it ahead of you. it isnt easy, although it feels normal a lot of the time. i said earlier today that its a good reset but i think what i really mean is that its a necessary, long awaited new start to my re/newly discovered path. ive swept the dust off the runway and its time for me to strut. i dont want to write anymore and i dont always have to be writing or talking anyway. sometimes its good to just experience.

10/16/21

all of my decisions have been validating. i chose this random valvoline that felt right and i met john whos in school and loves boise and gave me some excellent intel on what to do while im here. another free spirit who connected with me about traveling solo- he plans to take a solo trip to disappear for a month when he quits his job. i connected with him too and admire him for having gone to 6/7 continents- africa is the one hes missing!

the valvoline was in the same parking lot as a goodwill so i checked it out and got 2 sick new pairs of pants. i saw a 222 in the lot with me and my total was $17.77. how reassuring that shit is!

everything i do is validating. its such a joy to live completely for myself. i have no other choice when im in idaho by myself ☻

im excited to see what boise has. its beautiful already, fall looks great here. what a slept on spot. my airbnb is cool and the people are nice. mark came upstairs from his room before we met and said "hey guy, you live here now too?!" i thought it was cute. i asked how long he was staying here and he thought for a sec before responding with "i havent decided yet". how beautiful is that?

---

the boy with the mustache and bleached hair walks along with the lid to his dome hovering above him

its not like you cant bother him, hed love to give you a smile and some conversation

hes just a little vulnerable

a little more in tune

hes focused on the thoughts and emotions he receives from the energy around him

he is a beacon, a magnet, a conduit

hes known this, but the difference now is that hes consciously aware of it

he knows he has a future so hes not scared anymore

no more trembling- its been replaced with deep breaths

to express,

to be understood

to channel your energy

and manifest the good

to acknowledge

and to appreciate

to take it in stride

center yourself- its never too late

10/14/21

here i am in yellowstone, sitting by the campfire i made, writing in the light of my lantern on the picnic table. its a weird thing to write with gloves on. it makes my handwriting look a little different. no matter.

im sitting here feeling capable. capable of surviving on my own. not by myself (impossible!) but alone. i will survive because i have a future. a wonderful one. im gonna be big, like a train barreling down the mountainside, theres just no stopping it. i think i went on this trip partly just to prove to myself that i could do it. i knew i could, of course, but i needed the proof, something tangible that shows me that i really do love me. ive got my own back. i know how to survive in this world- and beyond that! to thrive! i am on my own schedule and its the most beautiful thing ive ever done. theres nobody to cater to even if i wanted, i am here to be selfish and discover how to take care of me. i took a head first dive into the deep end of self care. i couldnt even bother wading in. ive given myself a sense of calm i never knew i had. i am okay with anything because im alive. forget my camping chair? mutter "oh fuck" then remember that i have a skateboard i can sit on in the trunk. i was so preoccupied thinking about how cold it was gonna be camping in the snow but i was prepared with all my layers. im always looking out for me. its all i know, its all ive done. and i still have nothing but room to love and give my entire self to other people. i am so good at being me. nobody can be me like i can.

what a beautiful and wonderful trip this has already been.

the biggest mountains

the tallest trees

the earliest birds

the busiest bees

- im a person who deserves to be hyped up on caffeine without feeling anxious about how im behaving. center myself!

- its interesting and cute and amazing the roads humans have made up, alongside, and around, the mountains

- repeating numbers are a reminder that im doing the right thing, im going further down my path. especially after a decision/action based off intuition

10/13/21

i have such an enjoyable time being a fly on the wall. overhearing, not eavesdropping, on other peoples conversations and gaining a little more reference of the world. sometimes i wish i would say something to those strangers but i never want to interject. it seems too selfish to me. i know it isnt exactly the right way to look at it but thats where im at still. i really enjoy being there, being present, being someone that the person touching elbows with me might not even remember yet i take a little piece of them with me when i decide its time for my tab. i take pride in being the stranger the bartender will never see again that leaves a fat tip. i just wanna leave a smile on peoples faces. if not a smile, then nothing. and i realize that this isnt exactly how i want to continue (i.e. being too timid because i know im not annoying and i know i wouldnt interject in a rude or obnoxious way) but i think its good to remember thats how i feel at my core. i dont want to continue this to its absolute truth but i want to find a way to gently incorporate this mindset into my new lifestyle choices.

10/12/21

its dark here in bismarck. its cold and cloudy and dark. its not bad though, even if it reminds me of one big suburb. all the people ive seen here look happy- the dogs too. everyone is coated in this grey tint, the leaves this fall look dull here, but really its not a bad thing. i walked passed the high school and read the names on its billboard and felt happy for the students who are on there. i imagine theyre happy to be up there. i was always happy when my name was called out on the loudspeaker for something i did.

its a crazy thing in high school that you mature so much yet still have no reference. well most dont. i wonder if people in smaller towns in north dakota look at bismarck as a big city. its so much smaller than i thought it would be. i went to a restaurant for their beyond burger but when i got there they said they didnt serve it anymore because there was no demand. understandable. i cant imagine there are many vegans in bismarck. north dakota in general. i ordered a simple salad without cheese but they had free popcorn and i got a bells two hearted. i still had a good time.

i got called out for wearing a hat and gloves at the gas station but bro its only 45º and im on a walk! they were nice. they asked if i was from here and i said no, minneapolis and the dude said ohhh murderapolis. the little chicago. i agreed with the latter and disagreed with the former. there was also a woman who called out for my help with her car but i couldnt figure out how to open her hood either. there was no fairytale ending to that encounter. after 5 minutes i asked if she needed anything else and she said no and thank you. she was so focused on the issue she kept repeating the same sentence, "i think its this right here", and i empathized with her so much. it reminded me of when the semi was driving thru the crowd of us protestors and there was a complete frenzy to get off the 35W bridge and this person was stuck on my bike and i said "im sorry thats my bike" and they repeated the exact same sentence back to me because their brain shut off. my brain shut off. i hope the woman tonight figured it out.

its an interesting thing with this trip. sometimes i feel like i want and need to be completely detached from my life back home. hence why ive been on do not disturb this entire time. earlier today during my drive thats what it felt like. like i was going through my own personal and mental journey even though i was traveling to a different state, the first of many. i was objectively doing something tangible but more importantly i was going through an experience i needed to go through within myself. but when im back in this tiny room and its really dark here in bismarck i feel very open to communicating. not much but at least with b**** and kit. i guess its only the first day. i have a lot to go.

somedays im in the left lane,

somedays im in the right

passing and

getting passed

10/9/21

at first i was bummed when you said your friend wanted to come with us on our date

at least, i was looking at it like a date

i was *imagining* everything happening in the blueprint of a date

but when you asked me if i was sad that jonna was coming i replied with a "no!" so believable i began to think i was fine with it to begin with

but i wasnt. i knew i wasnt

when you texted me that my heart dropped deeper into my stomach than the extreme swing at valleyfair would make it go later that night

why do i love you as much as i do?

not meaning that curiosity any more than i do in a casual thought process way

its just so interesting. i love you more than anything ive loved in years

when i watched you talk to jonna tonight at the bar i remembered why i love you as much as i do

i felt the feeling again, stronger and stronger, how it always happens

it cant be put into words

it only exists in the feeling

i guess im glad a third person came along

you mentioned a cuddle party but it didnt end up happening

i told you that i wanted it to with every hold of the hands that we snuck in

and especially those we didnt sneak in

why am i so obsessed with you

i genuinely wonder

how could i have gotten so into someone so immediately? i think this but right after i refuse to think about it because of how little it actually matters

am i projecting feelings of love on to you?

maybe....

i mean of course, ive always projected feelings on to people before i get to know them

but thats how it starts

when i allow myself the vulnerability of love and the other feels the same and reciprocates

thats the only time it can go deeper

and deeper

the difference with you is that i knew you before

our well of possibility is infinitely deep

we will go right past china and into the indescribable

let me love you baby

the way you want me to

and i know you want me to

oh god i love you and im in love with you and i want you to tell me explicitly that you feel the same even tho i can feel the way that you love me so much already i dont need words to validate it. but validation and the amount it can reaffirm are so priceless that it would mean more than the world to hear that from you. to validate all of my feelings for you and for you to confirm that you think all the same things i think of you. every 11:11 i wish for you. im dead serious, since i discovered the feelings i had for you i wish for you in some capacity every single time i see the clock has landed at the sacred time of 11:11. i cant tell you how much i think of you in an accurate way. it would be ridiculous to suggest its every waking moment but babe its damn near close. i want to be with you whenever i think about you and that is damn near every waking moment. i love you b****. i want to call you w****** but i dont want to overstep my boundaries. what boundaries do i have with you? i feel like there are some, of course, but i dont want there to be any. let me be your closest friend and closest life you share yours with and ill let you be mine. what an honor that would be. i might never stop loving you and how beautiful of a thought is that? oh b****. i cant stop feeling this way even if i gave up everything else and only used my energy for that purpose. theres no stopping it. the water has spilled over the glass and the overflow quickly drips into the sink, past the drain and garbage disposal.

maybe this solo trip will be good for me

it will be, i shouldnt say that it might because i know it will be because no matter what happens the clock will have pushed onwards without me working or worried about money

but i hope it doesnt take me away from you

my feelings for you are forever

especially if they havent come into fruition yet and im still waiting

you would be the person i tell my kids about on my deathbed

"the one that got away"

i hope you dont become that one

i hope i dont have anyone like that

if not just because that would mean we would still be together before that could happen...

i need to go to bed

i wonder when ill show you this

i hope itll be a pretty day

and if it isnt i hope this message will make it a pretty day

10/2/21

ive been waking up feeling great lately

after nights of moderate drinking

and after nights where good dreams turn into bad ones

i feel unfazed in a very welcomed and healthy way

it reminds me of everything ive been working towards

and for the first time in my life i will not treat this period of time as if im "fixed"

like ive gotten rid of the disease thats caused me indescribable turmoil

but rather just what it is- a period of time where i am calm

hopefully this will last longer than the others

but i know that i will feel anxiety again

it was naive of me to think that i wouldnt in the past

naive, but human

but i dont feel that today so let me be grateful and appreciate how i have it at the moment

just the moment

whos to say how long this can last?

lets see

9/28/21

i spend so much of my time reflecting and oftentimes its reflecting on how ive reflected in the past

im such a nostalgic person i think its the root of my depression

but sadness is seductive

there is no emotion like it, nothing else can produce such a guaranteed blanket of feeling

any feeling is better than no feeling at all

i think life feels shorter as you get older because when youre a kid a year felt like an eternity and now multiple years can take up the same period of change for a certain aspect of your life

reference is everything

end of september, 2021

I realized pretty quickly that being just friends with you was going to be difficult

Much quicker than I anticipated

It seems like the common theme here is that my emotions develop much quicker than the conscious part of my mind

There’s always just a bit of lag and when I fully understand how I feel about you the door is shut and locked and I can’t remember where I put the key

I just missed my chance

Fuck bro. I missed my chance

Seeing you with him broke my heart. I wish it didn’t but it did and it’s nobody’s fault but my own

You like me more than him tho right?

It’s not a competition but you want to be with *me* right?

Well baby, here I am! Never on my knees but arms wide open for you and only you

Teach me how to be monogamous again. I want it and I want it with you

When we’re together it feels like we’re in love. I know you feel it too. It’s in the air wherever we go, it’s infectious, people tell us about our love because it’s such a perfectly beautiful thing and they wanna taste of it and to make sure we realize how good we have it. And baby we do

We have such a beautiful thing between us

Oh my god, surround me in the love that we’ve created, get me naked and let me stretch like a cat before we can cozy up together, comfortable in the love that we’ve created, gooier than that lube that’s warm to the touch I want to see with my hands and when I open my eyes I want to see your face up next to mine thru the rose tinted love filter, I can’t open my eyes underwater but when I open them in the love we’ve created I can see perfectly. There’s nothing else that I need, not one single thing. I am only present in the love we’ve created. I want to hold hands in front of the whole world for everyone to see and when they do they all erupt into applause and cheers and crying and laughter because we finally figured it out- we don’t have to hide it from anybody anymore. Safe in the love we’ve created

I empathize with main characters who ask “so you’re really still gonna marry him huh?” only to be met with a gentle nod of the head

I wish our times were right too

This is the only regret I’ll ever have

I trimmed off the fat

Now it’s your turn

Unless I missed my chance

A lesson I wish I’d never learned

Everyday I pray that you run back to me

Not in an “I told you so way”

(Because, in fact, you told me so first)

But in a way that says I haven’t been waiting for you but I haven’t gone anywhere

My legs won’t move without you next to me

And I don’t think I want them to

How could I pull back from you?

Having you in my life in any capacity is my main priority

Even if you aren’t in my arms

At least for the time being

I might not ever stop loving you

How beautiful of a thought is that?

when the kissing and touching stopped and as soon as i closed my eyes i was profoundly upset. not at anyone in particular, but why is she in my bed instead of you? it felt as tho my heart had just turned off. and the drugs in my body kept me up for hours, laying still with my back to her as she cuddled me from behind and i began to sweat. id be willing to wash my sheets if it was you caressing me, but not her. i love her but not like i love you. i dont even want to fuck anyone that isnt you. i cant tell you how relieving it was to wake up and realize that i had fallen asleep at some point and she was on her way out

i cant help but think of marriage and children with you

i have said for years that i dont ever want either of those things

but you make me feel like i do

i think i am a relationship guy after all

what an interesting last couple years ive had to figure that out

the letter you gave me yesterday made me imagine what itll be like to read it in 10 years

im sure ill love it even more than i do now, reading it after only 1 day

you have the cutest way with words

you could write anything and i would smile

take my hand baby

lets move to paris and learn french together

after we move to chicago of course

where will we settle down?

im getting ahead of myself but if it just doesnt make my heart flutter thinking about it

thank you for inspiring me to think about it

you are a perfect fit to the puzzle

a fantasy

we have come a long way

If we never end up together just remember how special you are- that someone has spent so much time thinking and fantasizing about you, every day, for months. Nonstop, pure and genuine, the source of that person’s calm and hope and happiness. A reason to love and be happy. A true light in my life. Let’s both remember

Do you feel my absence when I’m not around? Yours weighs on me like a thick fog, it’s everywhere

I have so much love to give to the world and you feel like the priority now. No matter how much love you think I have for you I’m so confident that I can give you more. Let me be in love with you and be in love with me back and see how much love we can make together

The days I want most with you are the days we don’t do anything except exist in the other’s company. When we might not say a word to each other for an hour but we glance and touch each other throughout, an unspoken feeling of calm and content, provided and encouraged by the other. The days when only we can relate to the experience we had, no matter how eventful, an inside joke, a secret, a shared bottle of wine and a movie. And touches and smiles and happiness

you are what i purposefully think of when i need to feel happy