Nineteen years old

5/13/16

im officially done with freshman year. i feel so great.

its been a weird day- i feel like ive seen everyone around me move out already. i dont get picked up by my mom until tomorrow.

its just so weird knowing that ill never have this experience again...my dorm life is over. some of the best people ive ever met and some of the best memories ill ever have were made in these 8 months. its surreal. some people left with goodbyes, others with none. ben was so hard to say goodbye to, im truly gonna miss the fuck out of that kid.

my experience here was perfect. every part of it. i wouldnt trade it for the world.

just wanted to document.

4/29/16

now that im not on acid anymore i definitely want to write lol. i just woke up, its a beautiful day, im listening to drakes new album, and i got some coffee brewing ☻

acid is insane. it really is indescribable but im gonna write stuff down just for my memorys sake...seriously its just so insane lmao im amazed that it allows people to think and feel the way it does.

quick timeline so i dont forget while im writing: funny, swirly rick & morty, walk in rain, eat in dining hall, go upstairs to play rocket league, future, go and smoke, come back to more rocket league, the office, bad boys, brenna, ellen and tori, drew leaves, drakes album with more rocket league.

so drew and i took our altoid acid and went to his room at ~2:15. we played a bit of 2k and then started watching rick & morty. i first started feeling a little something around 40ish minutes after; it was mainly just things being swirly and i dunno if it was the drugs or the show, but i was dying at rick and morty lmao. it was hilarious. anyway, we ended up leaving frontier at like 6:30 or 7 or something (we kinda just did nothing for a while i guess lol) but thats when it started to get crazy.

the first steps out of drews room were intense. we looked down the hallway and it seemed to go forever. we started walking and the only thing that comes close to describing what it felt like is that one visual effect they do in movies like in the the fellowship of the ring when frodo first senses the ring wraiths and looks down the road, cue visual effect, and he says "we have to get off the road". it was sick.

we walked outside into the rain and i knew i was getting wet but for some reason i couldnt even really feel it at all. or i just didnt care. we got some hot cheetos for drew and then walked to 17th. we were fucking soaked lol but neither of us cared at all. we went into 17th and ate in the dining hall. it was so weird but so funny to be around so many people and just know that you look retardedly high. i got so much food and couldnt even tell if i was hungry or not but ended up eating it all. i also saw john and talking to him was hard but i told him i was on acid because i really wanted to and he was so cool about it lol love that due. the lights were so bright in there and just a weird shade of color in general. my pupils were also just big as fuck this whole time.

after dinner we went to my room and played rocket league for a couple hours and listened to evol and ds2 in its entirety lol it was so much fun. drew and i were actually killin it for both being so high. after we lost the last game we went to go smoke.

i packed one bowl and could feel it immediately. im tellin ya, acid and weed puts you on a whole nother planet...its absurd. i just got increasingly more and more high for like an hour afterwards, it was absurd. but so cool.

at first, i honestly felt like i could tell the future. we came back and played more rocket league and we were down 4-0 with like 2 minutes left but i swear to god i knew we were going to win. i cant even begin to describe the feelings i had, but it was almost as if every play, every goal, was just a validation that life is meant to just work out. it was so beautiful. we won 5-4 and i really felt like crying. im really not saying this to be funny (who would i even be trying to make laugh lol), it was just so incredible. i love how i know how it feels even if i cant make it clear with words. beautiful is the closest thing to it. life is so beautiful.

after that game i quit rocket league and we really just sat there for what felt like a long ass fucking time, both just lost in thought. we didnt say anything to each other (except me looking at drew every once in a while and just saying "oh my god") but it was so magical.

i felt like i was picking apart my brain. i felt so disconnected from life: i was contemplating what memories were, what they meant, my relationships with my friends, the people i love, but at the same time it made me that much more connected. i really almost felt like i was on an entire new level of understanding. i was wondering what life really was truly about- not in a pessimistic way but just a genuinely curious and inquisitive way. for lack of a better connection, i felt like aang when hes trying to connect to his blocked chakras. not only this, but i felt as if i was seeing my future life as well...like so much of it. and feeling emotions i would feel at that time too. even now i cant quite even remember how exactly i felt. almost like when you wake up after dreaming and slowly forget certain details. but i think i like it that way. it makes that place so much more special. this all happened in such a short amount of time too. i just kept thinking to myself "i have lived lifetimes"... it truly felt as if i did. it was remarkable.

i turned on the office after this and it was the first time i ever "hallucinated" lol. everything was a weird shade of purple (especially peoples shirts and eyes) and everyone had horns, swirly faces, walls were literally popping, it was so cool!

brenna came in at this time and talked to drew and me to check in on us (so nice ☻ it made me happy) and talked about luok too and i wish i could have said more, like i know what she was saying, but i was at a loss for words so often. she looked purple too haha. she left and the office ended.

then round 2 of picking my brain apart happened where drew and i just sat there and thought again. i thought about the same sort of things and also kept wondering how on earth i was going to describe this feeling to people lol but it really is just impossible i came to realize. again, i felt like i lived lifetimes ☻

i put on the bad boys 30 for 30 after this and drew and i watched the whole thing. it was incredible though, i truly felt like i was living through isiah thomas and bill lambeer- i felt the feelings that they felt towards mj, bird, magic, barkley, it was unreal. i felt empathy, passion, i knew how bad they wanted to win, i knew how much work they were putting in, i couldnt believe it. also really indescribable but thats the best i can do.

ellen and tori came in during this to check in on us too (also so nice ☻ also made me happy lol) and we just talked for a little and then they left. i love those guys (brenna too), its just so nice of them to check on us, i really appreciated it.

bad boys ended, drew left, i noticed views dropped, bought that shit, dimmed the lights, got cozy on the couch by myself and listened to the entire album while i killed it at more rocket league. i was coming down and it was so relaxing. im glad ben was gone so i had time to just chill by myself and digress. i also loved the rain the entire night, it fit the mood perfectly. after the album was over i hopped into bed (around 1 AM) and slept like a baby.

i had a wonderful trip. acid is truly amazing and something i will definitely do again. so happy i was able to have this experience.

life is beautiful ☻

4/28/16

thought about writing, but its even better if i dont.

"ive lived lifetimes tonight"

3/27/16

i love when i have my notebook right next to me when i get the urge to write ☻

i feel super happy. not sure why but i feel very content with life right now. i love living on my own and being independent and feeling mature while also knowing that everything works itself out. that feeling was for sure escalated last night when i was high but i for sure still feel it. its so great.

just wanted to write quick, now back to homework with all the other mangs in walter who have nothing better to do on easter just like me!

3/27/16 @ 3 AM

i love memories. theyre probably my favorite thing that the mind does. i hope that when we die, we can just relive whatever memory we want. life is so amazing. i love my friends, weed is amazing and i cant wait to be in an apartment in NY by myself just smoking and thinking. i can think so deep and i want to cry its so beautiful. love life forever and always.

3/5/16

this is amazing. listening to the new kendrick ep, sippin some coffee, staring out the window at this beautiful snow.

im amazed at how good this ep is to be honest- completely on par with tpab.

this year is really about to be the best msuic year of my life...paak, kanye, kenny, with more ye on the way and a bunch of other shit that will undoubtedly drop. i cant even wait. i fucking love music lol.

aside from the music aspect of this release, the overall feeling of community and all these people living in the same moment as it dropped is just the coolest thing. i was with carl when it happened, mark texted us freaking out, my cousin texted me, people in our hall were all talking about it as we were walking down, this shit spread like wildfire. i really just think stuff like this is just the coolest, most real feeling experiences that humans can go through together. its such a bonding experience. people like kendrick have the power to make this happen- he (they) is so much more than just an artist- cornrow kenny baby, this dude is one of a kind.

also- im serious about this book- i gotta write lol i cant stop thinking about it ☻

3/1/16 1:26:33 AM

im high on a school night, supposed to be writing a paper but i had the most genius, amazing book idea ever so i wrote it down in my pages icloud. it should be a best seller im not even gonna lie.

2/24/16

i was gonna go to a lounge to write this but realized my dorm is the most relaxing place in the whole building so why bother. im sitting here diggin on some MF DOOM and just thinking.

i got the urge to write again right now and decided to take advantage of it ☻ ive had a lot of things on my mind lately but havent really felt the urge to write about it until right now, which is totally fine ive realized. ive been talking about stuff a lot lately, whether it be with friends or my dad and it really does help work out thoughts just like writing does so thats why ive been sort of infrequent. ive also been thinking so much about how absolutely precious discussions are. there is absolutely nothing better than a good, healthy, passionate, open-minded, progressive conversation with a person or a group of people. i know ive talked about that exact thing before but i just believe that so much. nothing better.

thats actually a good segue into the next order of business: hook club! the new officially registered umn student group! #3689! with me as the prez! as of a week or two ago lol, i already talked about it last entry but just wanted to say its official and im pumped as fuck for our first meeting in <2 weeks. already got a few random mangs to say theyre coming ☻ so excited for those discussions. nothing better. im tellin ya.

also good segue, the first album were discussing is the life of pablo which i also wanted to talk about. first time i heard the 10 track version on yes livestream at MSG i honestly didnt know how i felt...then after seeing the final 17 track setlist i got amped. then i started listening to .mp4s ripped from the stream and really started to like it. then after his SNL skits and downloading it on tidal it was on repeat for the net week (until a few days ago). words cant describe how much i love this album. this is better than MBDTF. as ed said, "this is his masterpiece". the thing is, no one knows if its done yet. i was convinced it wasnt and that he was gonna release more later (for sale, even after taking it back and saying itll never be for sale) but today he tweeted a new albums coming in the summer...such a wild ride. never ever been so into an album release. never ever been so into an album...when each song that comes you think is your favorite on the album, thats when you know its perfect.

another segue (wow) ive just been so into kanye lately. ive been talking to everyone about him lately. every day with carl and other 4th floor friends, even with my dad a lot, once for like 30 minutes straight. i respect this dude more than anyone. i love everything about this genius. i firmly believe we will never see or have another human like him in the history of mankind. also, quick note, father stretch my hands pt. 1 might be the greatest song ever made.

ive been loving music so much lately. ever since college began its just been a way of life. its amazing. such a good feeling. each time you look into artists and their history, lyrics, etc. it just opens up pandoras box- you will never be able to live long enough to know all you want to and that is such a beautiful thing.

i also wanted to talk about, just in general, youre never going to have everything you want- there will always be things that you desire or strive for that you will never attain- but thats a necessity in life. it gives you purpose and reasons to keep on living. all you need to do is be content with that and happy with your life the way it is. if you dont get something, dont fret, just keep trying or move on to getting something else. its all natural. then, when you get something youve wanted for so long (like this new surly straggler bike i just dropped $1100 on) itll be that much sweeter. seriously though, this bike is amazing. my prized possession. im going to name her right now- perry. after that hot pic of katy perry in that mint green dress the same color as my bike. perfect! perry.

one last thing before i go- ive been reading the sun also rises and i just read chapter XII last night where jake and bill have the most perfect day. they walk in spains countryside to a creek to go fishing, read, take a nap, then go back. that chapter really struck me emotionally and visually. i was so engrossed and i yearned to be there...maybe i will be someday. i hope so.

2/8/16

12:14 AM so technically the 8th lol.

years been going well so far- feeling good about life.

i wanted to write about music today, i actually have wanted to the past couple days but this is the first chance i got.

over the past few months, ive been getting so much more into the world of music than ever before. i always have listened to it at just about any given time that allows me to, but the world and culture itself has been especially gripping as of late.

carl has honestly been such a huge influence on me. ive known of the artists we always like to talk about for upwards of 10 years now thanks to my dad (outkast, lupe, etc.) but carl has helped me really go in deeper and study the music, meanings, history, as a hobby thats so enjoyable. we literally talk about music every single day and i appreciate it so much. i also look up to him for getting so involved and retaining so much knowledge of the things that he reads. it really shows true passion moreso than just about anything else ive ever seen in person.

with that being said, we are two very different listeners. he is much more into the lyrical side of things whereas im more of an overall "feeler" of the music. i feel like ive known this all along but recently just came to the real conclusion talking to my dad a couple days ago. and there is absolutely nothing wrong with either of those things- one is not better than the other by any means.

i love lyrics in songs and appreciate them just as much as carl like the feel of songs too, but we just operate differently. he hears and interprets lyrics first whereas i hear and interpret feelings first. i actually really appreciate how carl and i operate in that sense- he points out things i normally wouldnt hear/understand at first and im sure (i know lol) that i tell him things about background sounds/noises/samples that he wouldnt hear/notice at first. our discussions are so valuable, as casual and fun as they might seem, because we sort of are two halves just making a whole. we give and take off of each other with open minds and introduce each other to new artists, sounds, genres, etc. that we can listen to and bond over together. its fucking cool. i love carl for that (and so many other reasons lol).

thats why i cant wait to start this student group. the one where its basically a book club but books = albums. "hook club" courtesy of my dad. i cant wait to get it officially up and running with carl and see where it takes us- hopefully a lot of people will actually join and we can have sick discussions. ill probably start to write up rules and guidelines and whatnot within the next week, after i take care of these first midterms i have and after kanyes new album drops. im so pumped lol.

music man...besides nature landscapes and city skylines its probably the best thing in life.

1/8/16

im listening to kanyes new single real friends & no more parties in LA which he released today- i was gonna take a nap to it but i got the urge to write so here i am- ive got some things to talk about.

first of all, i love this song, love love. kanye bringing back his emotional lyrical side in all its glory. perfect contrast to yeezus. gets me so fucking amped for swish. also, when kendrick came on in the last ~30 seconds, i got the biggest smile on my face ☻

ive always said that i have two heroes in my life- kanye west and mr (fred) rogers. it sounds sort of like a joke when i say it but i could not be more serious. i could go on for hours about these two but ill outline why i love them so much:

fred rogers

kindest soul on the planet. dedicated his life to teaching kids the good in the world. humble, generous, gentle, sweet, truly an icon to what people should look up to. ill never forget the time i watched his show with his friend (a little boy) in an electric wheelchair who had some rare disease and how all mr rogers did was talk about how proud of him he was. it was so heartfelt. to make it even better, they met again at an award show years later and the reunion was so beautiful, one of the greatest moments ive ever witnessed.

kanye west

man...what a controversial man worldwide. in my opinion though, he is one of the greatest humans on the planet. when i hear the words dedication, art, passion, all i can think about is ye. this man singlehandedly works harder, expects more of himself than anyone else in existence. when he releases music, hes allowing us to see into his life with these perfect forms of art/expression. i actually get emotional talking about this because i respect this man so much. after reading the MBDTF article that carl showed me, there was no doubt that kanye west was my role model.

i also wanted to write about kasey again and funny enough, she was the first person i ever told about ye and mr rogers lol. i dont know man...for some reason i still always feel myself caring about her far and away more than anyone else. i have such strong feelings for her but i cant quite put my finger on it- or im too afraid to admit what i know. or i dont want to ruin what we have. or both. and other factors. i dont know...even though i feel like i do know. when you always want to talk to someone, be with someone, and think about someone, i feel like it can only mean one thing. i know how i feel. when the time is right, i hope i have the balls to do something about it. shes so great.

PS- movies dont always have to be made up entirely of symbolisms, metaphors, representations, etc. like ed thinks (not dissing ed, i love him, i just disagree about this)- sometimes directors put things in movies because theyre just fucking cool and fit the movie well. entertainment does not always have to "mean" something- i feel like i know this more than anyone. just wanted to write that too. now my mind is clear ☻ (for now)

PPS- i want to get a tattoo of one, small, simple smiley face, like the ones my mom draws. because that one, small, simple word that it represents, "happiness", is all you need in life.

12/28/15

just finished watching the martian...oh my god.

something tells me that this is going to be like my favorite movie ever or something. ive never gotten this feeling after a first watching.

the simple fact of watching humanity come together to retrieve one person on a different planet is so awe inspiring. truly incredible.

i even considered stopping where im at in brave new world to move directly to the martian book but i decided i should probably finish BNW first. i cant wait to start reading the martian now.

gonna go add it to my favorite movies on facebook right now!

12/24/15

i catch feelings so easily lol.

yesterday leah and i hooked up for the first time since we stopped dating during freshman year. there has definitely been tension between us for months, but yesterday it finally happened.

theres just something about leah...i have never stopped liking her. i mean that in the way that ive never wanted to like cut myself off from her, after our breakup and stuff. ive always just enjoyed her company so much. and my god shes just so attractive, she is so beautiful its remarkable. i have always felt that way but i already knew that.

i feel like my feelings for her got reignited yesterday. like i said, theres just something about her. her looks, her voice, her smell, her touch, her personality, just everything. she really is the one person in this world that i know that i would date again lol. she is definitely worth that much.

i dont know what to do though. i want to talk to her so bad but im not going to yet- well see each other soon at maddys and julias so well see what happens there. i really really like her...like like? i dont know. just wanted to jot down how im feeling for now.

also, its funny that this is happening almost 4 years exactly after i found out she hooked up with quantell when i thought we were on a break. weird how that works. weird how much of a hold she has on me haha, i like it though.

forgot to add, we woke up at like 5 this morning and after a little more intimacy, we literally just talked until right around 8. if i could stay there in that bed with her, half naked, talking about life with her forever, i think i would.

12/18/15

writing this a day late but thats okay.

i just wanted to document how cool and great of a feeling i got while studying yesterday- i was in walter library for ~8 hours in the quiet study room jam packed with people- theres just something so mesmerizing about being in the same boat as so many people at once. all of us just studying for our different finals, respectfully, is just so cool to me. it really creates a sense of belonging. it probably sounds weird when reading this, but im just glad i know the feeling ☻

PS- got an 84% on my first college final- guess that studying was worth it!

PPS- last saturday was one of the best nights of college i have had yet. all we did was get drunk in my dorm but most of the 4th floor people were there and carl and other guests here and there. just wanted to document that too ☻ such a great night

12/7/15

i just finished up my first college class ever. my astronomy 1001 lab.

i was actually really surprised how sad it made me when joe and saroush gave their last speech and wished us luck after telling us how great of a class we were.

im gonna miss my lab partners ryan and parker (maybe joe too even if he only came to half the labs). i feel like we really worked well together, it was nice making friends with them.

im also just really going to miss everyone in that class. even though i only know my lab partners, i feel that theres always an unspoken bond when you spend a certain amount of time together. being with these people for 16 weeks is pretty cool- we all end up in the same place on mondays from 12:20-2:20 having the same experience, sharing it with each other, and then going about our lives. its so interesting.

i know that all things come to an end eventually, but that doesnt mean they get any easier. all you can do is appreciate the experience as its happening.

11/11/15

im in the perfect writing mood. im sitting alone in a quiet, dim study room right next to a very big window while it rains outside. its beautiful. im also listening to some very relaxing M83 which makes it all the better.

ive been thinking a lot about relationships lately...theyre really just fucking weird. right now, i feel like kayleigh is trying to avoid me because she feels weird about us hooking up a few nights ago.

im very confused because the day after it happened everything was still very normal. then two nights ago, she texted saying that she needed me to tell her that our hookup meant nothing...it didnt, i told her that, but shes been acting strange ever since. i know i need to talk to her about it but im just waiting until the time is right. its weird but ive been thinking about it this entire day and its just been making me so sad. kayleigh is easily the best friend that ive made here at college and i dont want that to be ruined because we had sex. i miss her but its been weird for 1.5 days...

along with that, i havent talked to kasey in a long time...like at least a week and a half but ever since her birthday weekend we havent even had a nice, normal conversation. it really fucking sucks and its kinda been eating me up inside. kasey was (is!) my best friend and she just decided to stop talking to me. its been bumming me out so much. especially when i try to reach out to her only to get nothing in return. thankfully i was able to see annie this weekend and talk a little bit about it and she told me that she knows kasey is just sad in duluth and doesnt want to talk to people, so its not my fault or anything that i did (i know i didnt do anything so thats good i guess) but it just blows. i want to feel as close to her as i did a couple months ago. i really do love her.

ive been wanting to write about kasey ever since i got this journal. i knew i could go on for pages and pages about how i feel about her and how much she means to me, but im going to stop it here. nows not the time.

through all of this though, ive really come to realize that the key to being happy is loving yourself. no other factor in life is as important as that. everything happens for a reason and everything works itself out in the end. i truly believe that with all of my heart.

loving yourself, and then loving nature and life in general is also so important. a couple nights ago i had the urge to go on a run and it was one of the few times i felt that runners high. by myself, at my own pace, listening to in rainbows (the most beautiful album ever made) on my old running route, near the river with the skyline in sight, sun going down, it was perfect. i was nearly moved to tears by the moment. on that run i decided a few things: i want to run a marathon (without tearing my hamstring, haha), i want to take a motorcycle trip across the country, and i want to go backpacking/camping in new zealand. all of these by myself. you learn so much about yourself on these things and that just seems life fulfilling honestly. i will work to achieve those as hard as i can.

before i move on to the christmas talk, i just wanted to jot down more thing about the relationship part. ive been imagining myself with the perfect woman for years now. the one that ill marry. i dont need to write anything about her because i know that ill know these things about her for the rest of my life. i just wanted to write that i know shell come. i know it will happen. and i really cant wait ☻

with christmas approaching comes the christmas spirit. there are very few things i love more in this world than the feelings i get around christmas. if i could go into a happy place, it would be a candle lit living room on christmas eve with classic christmas songs quietly playing while a heavy snow falls outside cuddled up next to the woman of my dreams. the feeling i get from just thinking about this is indescribable. i hope that when i die theres a place in heaven where i can go and live the rest of eternity in that moment.

nothing compares to the christmas feels man i know i cant even begin to put it into words. im just glad that ill forever know how it feels.

the thunder, lightning and rain are all so beautiful right now. so is the music. life is so fucking great no matter what happens. i love it. everything about it, i truly do.

11/2/15

today marks the first time that ive finished an entire book in one day.

i just finished animal farm, probably 2 minutes ago. it truly was amazing. i had heard about it before and how it connects soooooo heavily to the rise of communism and learning about so much of that last year in high school, it was so interesting to read. im so much more of a feeler than a describer so ill leave it at that.

i also just finished zen & the art of motorcycle maintenance last night after taking a few months break in reading it. also just loved it. im in such a reading mood lately, i even bought 3 more books today (clockwork orange, lord of the flies, and brave new world, in addition to animal farm); cant wait to start those tomorrow honestly.

reading is one of the most incredible experiences when youre truly into a book. going off of that, just one more thing to add: the last sentence of animal farm hit me with so much frisson. it reads: "the creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which". just wanted to throw that in there. one of the most powerful things i think ive ever read. i know the conclusions of papers and books are supposed to tie things together and finish it up, but this is just absolutely perfect.

ive been wanting to write about a lot more lately but just havent found the time. ill continue to gather my thoughts and report back when i feel the time is right ☻

10/21/15

another beautiful day on campus!

i wanted to write about talking. sounds kinda funny when you say that lol. these past few weeks, ive really realized how much i simply love talking. meeting so many new people here really just emphasizes how endless conversations truly can be. just a couple days ago, kalyeigh, brenna and i sat in the cafeteria and just talked for 2.5 hours- after dinner we watched a movie (grand budapest hotel! haha, it was terrific) and also just ended up talking for hours on hours, we ended up staying up well passed 1:00 AM for no real reason aside from our conversation, it just kept stemming from one thing to the next, we never really wanted to stop because it was so interesting so we didnt. thats how you really get to know someone ive come to realize. just talking with them, asking questions, listening, reciprocating. truly, i dont think theres anything i love more.

ive always noticed this in my university writing class. believe it or not, its much more discussing topics than it is actually writing. i love it though. ive never been in a true discussion based class and its just my favorite. i have opinions about nearly everything that im at least somewhat knowledgeable on and i love sharing them with people and seeing what they have to say. i am such an open-minded person too so i love hearing what others have to say- i also never want to ever really start arguments, just talk/discuss, and i think that ultimately helps me see their views and feel how i think they do- im also very empathetic which helps too!

i do wish it was normal to start conversations with, like, strangers on the street just for the hell of it, but at the same time i realize that there are sometimes when people just dont want to talk and i get that completely, im there sometimes too. i guess it also makes you appreciate the ones you do have that much more. i really just love people, humans are simply amazing- everyone has a story to tell.

10/19/15

im not exactly sure how to start this seeing as ive never kept a journal before but i figure id just jump into it.

one of my best friends, mark, got me a movie for my 19th birthday just last month and i just got around to watching it a few days ago. it was aquatic life with steve zissou (i think) by wes anderson. mark and i have loved wes anderson for a while, i think we saw fantastic mr fox together a long time ago when it first came out even. the way wes directs his movies is just incredible to me: the artistic value in them is just phenomenal. i actually think im going to watch grand budapest hotel tonight just because im writing this now. anyway, that movie inspired me to write. im not sure why exactly. but ive never felt more compelled to do anything than write the moment i was finished with it.

i really dont know if ill ever show anyone these writings (logs? diary entries?) even but i sort of feel like im talking to someone else when i write. its interesting, everything ive ever written before i went into knowing i was going to be showing someone else. this is the first time where thats not the case. its kinda cool to be honest, i can say whatever i want, just like when im thinking, although now ill be able to see my exact thoughts from, potentially, years ago. really crazy to think about honestly.

i feel like ive always been a thinker. that sounded kind of stupid, but ive always been deep in my thoughts. and i know im not bragging (who would i even be bragging to lol) but ive always been more mature than other people my age. actually, although that may be true, thats not what i meant- ive always been more in touch with life, the earth, my thoughts, the beauty of everything in the world and just appreciating things. truly, i love almost everything about this life, and if i dont, then i at least appreciate it for what it is. i feel like im different from most people i know in that sense.

ive always had thoughts that i want to remember when i think of them but have never really done anything about it. im a very go-with-the-flow kind of guy and like ive thought about journaling before but never seriously done anything about that either- until now! i figured it was better to start now than never.

right now, im sitting at a table at the u of m with my friend kayleigh. im not sure why i keep saying things like "my friend" because of course i know who that is but whatever lol. its a beautiful october day full of unseasonable warmth, (cue simpsons reference) its like 75 degrees, it feels amazing. im very glad that i met kayleigh. she is definitely the person ive connected with most since ive been in college- we share a lot of the same likes and values and its just refreshing to spend time with someone you truly enjoy being with.

there are so many fucking things i could talk about now but im going to enjoy this day ☻