Twenty-four years old

little spoon scoots up and wiggles herself into position

big spoon is ready. he couldnt be more prepared if he wanted to be

its hard to feel with just one part of your body, but now he tries more than ever

is it in yet? if you cant tell, its not in yet

as soon as the successful thrust begins they breathe a collective sigh

its quiet

but theres more intensity behind this sigh than any other theyve had before

they are the only two people in the world right now

the dance continues for the entire album and when big spoon hears the opening track repeat itself, he knows it isnt going to end. it cant. not this time, not in the way that either of them want it to, yet their reasons are different. what a strange scenario the two lovers are in, not unlike some theyve been in before, but still very different. surely they both know that this is the last time

fast, clap, slow, moan, inching forward so slowly he might as well be still although their increasing pleasure makes it clear that they are becoming closer and closer until theres no more room inside

no more room to breathe

nobody finishes

there wasnt a kiss the whole fuck

so it doesnt count then right?

right

"im sorry about last night"

im not

9/19/21

last night i dreamt that all of the pictures and posters you hung up fell down

you use the simplest kind of tape on popcorn walls

its bound to happen. but when it does you hang it back the same way as before without any change in emotion

ive always found it fascinating. at first there was annoyance, then resistance to do anything about it. its not my problem, its yours

but this phenomenon has taught me not to hang things up with duct tape

sometimes, maybe always, its better to let things fall when theyre ready

and not pretend like you have the final say in anything

an acceptance of reality and unlearning the self righteous attitude were supposed to keep throughout life

i smiled when i saw that a poster actually had fallen in the living room while i was dreaming of the very thing

the same one as last week

maybe its time this one stays down

9/7/21

hey honey

im single now

id be lying if i said it didnt have anything to do with you (it does)

i take pride in my transparency so thats why i tell you

are you scared to love? are you scared to jump in?

this isnt the shallow end babe, youre encouraged to dive

ill go first

take my hand

this is what love feels like

wade in my water while i splash in yours

and show you what it looks like to believe in whats between us

i think im beginning to love you

what a funny feeling ive been having

im just so horny for you

fuck on me tonight before i leave

ill prove it

no room for interpretation, no stone left unturned

no regrets, no second guesses

the only direction we know is forward

hold my hand

feel the power

feel my squeeze

an "i love you" before it comes from my mouth

and enters your ears

you are magic

we are magic

this is the beginning of a beautiful thing

9/6/21

It’s the day before school

But I haven’t had a class in 3 years

Yet here I am biking thru campus

Among all the freshmen getting their bearings before they dive in

They don’t know about the Dinkytown McDonald’s

Or all the buildings that have been renamed

Or the kid that jumped off the bridge

Or all my friends that lived in the area but have since moved away

All my friends…

I’m leaving my stickers on the tables I used to clean for my campus job

Change and end, life, just constantly shifting

But here I am

Much different but still in the same physical space

I love it. I cherish it

No one can see the tears behind my shades

They could never know how much this moment means to me

9/5/21

the cloud above me is gone (i think)

i am free from my habits

that have gotten me into such deep trouble before

my habits are not who i am, they are only what i do

for better and for much much worse

but i am not confined

habits are repeated but each day is new

its impossible to know which habits will work for you on a given day

i no longer feel the need to consume in order to bring me up or bring me down

i still want to indulge, but i realize the consequences, and i pledge to not put myself thru that daily torture ever again

i am free from my habits

each day is a fresh start

i am continuously becoming the best version of myself

this im sure of

--

the last few days have been rough. very rough- so rough it felt as though i was having panic attacks for hours on end, just trying to function on being a normal person in normal situations while being completely eaten up by my thoughts and panic. what a horrible way to live. but the thing is theres almost no way out of it, you just have to endure the pain until its over. there are massive changes in my life that are already occurring and massive changes that await me around the corner so this is not without reason, but wow...the last 9 months have been pretty stagnant. stagnant isnt bad and in fact i think it was pretty necessary, but my life changes are catching up with me. and its exciting. its terrifying and exciting at the same time, it makes me want to fucking cry until i cant cry anymore even tho life doesnt feel like itll allow you to cry sometimes. but i know ill get the tears out when theyre ready. my waterworks are one of my most confident and solidifying actions. i am such a beautiful boy and i love myself so dearly even though i convince myself that im crazy or have been possessed sometimes. im just a bit impressionable...

its the beginning of september and fall is coming. its mid virgo season and the changes are happening. its the best time of the year and i have known before it began that this would be a big year for me. my god i did not know how true that statement would actually be. how exciting. life is happy and life is every other emotion all at once and all the time. it always will be. let me try and enjoy that fact

9/3/21

i hope that you text me every moment i have during a day

and i especially hope that the text is about meeting up

we just still

still working, still drinking, still smoking, still laughing and fucking, still caressing, still crying, still uncertain but still waking up to do it again

we just still

its like this beautiful cycle thats up in the air, juggled by everyone in it, constantly moving and upholding itself, its a self fulfilling prophecy but we fulfill it because its all that we know- why would we stop still doing the things we do when we dont know whats on the other side

we just still fill in the blank until we dont, until we want change or we die. we just still have to keep doing something

we give ourselves enough time to recover to do it again

cyclical, habitual, religiously

9/2/21

i was given the careful instructions not to hurt your feelings

and the only concern i had was about you hurting mine

its my turn to fall in love

and your turn to hurt my feelings

how could i have known

that you loved me way back then

please dont leave me alone, i caught up to you, look at me, we can start now!

are we not fucking because you need to be sure?

b**** baby...will you know when you read this?

fuck on me now

ill show you how 

much i want you

turn up the volume

roll down the windows

smushed face in the pillow

fucking from behind

favorite position, yours and mine

i was fucking from a different place back then

let me prove

every milestone in my life gives me a feeling of certainty, of acceptance

there havent been many

but baby youre one of them

when are we moving to chicago babe?

b****, 8/6/21

b****...

b**** b**** b****. where should i start? no matter what ive been doing these last few days i just cannot get you off my mind. my heart pumps an extra beat whenever i think of you and i just cant stop. i cant help it. i admire you so much for so many reasons and our trip to chicago really changed something in me. it changed how i feel about you but it also shifted some internal blocks i was holding on to and has allowed me to live a freer life. its crazy how much its impacted me (already!), i cant even put it into words. and so much of it is because of you

i feel like ive loved you for a long time. but i love a lot of people, i think thats how it should be. i dont think i would have had a problem telling you that i love you before, but now i know that its a different kind of love. i find you so fascinating. you inspire the fuck out of me just living life the way that you do. its the most infectious thing about you. you live a life full of care in the right places and a life of carelessness where caring would just be wasted energy. there is nothing more liberating than realizing this, at least to me. i love getting to know what you think of the world and how you interact with it

i think i want to date you- i want to date the shit out of you, i want to know you and connect with you on a deeper level. i want to feel free and cozy in my love for you. i feel such a connection to you, like were two puzzle pieces that fit together no matter where we may be

i dont know what dating means to you but i just have to tell you what ive been feeling. i dont need things to change immediately- and i know that they may never change. i dont know how you feel. but it would be wrong of me to not express this to you. i dont know how you treat love but ive never been afraid of it, i want to dive right into it.

i dont know what you looked like as a kid but i think youre way prettier than the girl in the baby music video too. you are breathtaking. i want to touch you all the time and wake up next to you with my hand in yours, forehead kisses of appreciation, another beginning to a summer day spent together, making memories and reminiscing on old ones. we have so many already. the moment you first impacted my life was when you asked to walk on the train tracks instead of the road. that was the first night we met. you were wearing a long dress and youve never failed to impress me with your style since. i want to fuck you with love and i want you to feel the difference, even tho we hold hands and kiss as soon as i cum anyway

katie asked us why we werent together and i thought to myself "why *arent* we together?". the lady on the train told us we would make beautiful babies and i wholeheartedly agree. jane gave me a hug and whispered in my ear "dont hurt her" but all i could think about was you hurting me. for some reason i dont expect you to feel the same way- at least not yet. i feel so dramatic but my feelings are true.

lets explore our full potential

take my hand, this is what love feels like

“Why aren’t you together?”

“I would date him”

“Did you know that they were fucking?!”

“Don’t hurt her”

“I want to go to NY too” *your smile*

“I don’t mean to overstep but you two would make some beautiful babies”

“Idk how long you two have been together but…”

“I love her”

“Can we leave and just do our own thing?”

8/3/21

even just thinking about you makes me happy!

lay in the grass with me and light up 100 cigarettes so we never have to leave

jump and dance with me so we can show everyone else how happy we are

kiss me on the mouth to give life to the love in the air

i would have told you i loved you before and i would have meant it but now im nervous to because i know it means something different and i know you would recognize that too

but i do love you

molly crystals furthered it- i just havent come down yet

ive just come back from LA and maybe i want to move. maybe to LA, maybe to new york, but probably london. i couldnt help thinking about london all the time i was in los angeles and what i wanted to write to claire when i got home. ill write her after this entry. my cat is on my lap and im calm and happy. i wanted to invite someone over tonight but i think i should be alone. i want to cuddle and have sex but i dont feel right for it today. thats okay, ive got nothing but days ahead of me. i want to shave my head with a razor and im not even scared if ill look ugly. i want to live like an artist and do panels and express myself fully all the time and not just thru my art. anyone can be an artist because everyone is an artist.

7/16/21

i feel the change within me growing bigger and bigger every new morning. its not really exciting, its actually mostly scary, but i cant shake that other feeling that its destined to be good for me, maybe even great. like what i told kit a couple weeks ago, that im on the right path and i couldnt hop off even if i tried- im strapped in and the speed is only increasing. i feel truly scared again for the first time since summer 2019, but its more manageable. the dread peeks its head around the corner and looks me dead in the fucking eyes and i can only look back. my lived experience feels like its dissolving into something higher, like the curtain is falling and if i dont try to snap out of it (which i always do) the big reveal will become clear to me- like the plane will strip apart, piece by piece, and i begin to fall from 30 thousand feet- like ive been dreaming my entire existence. it happens a lot when im driving which is very inconvenient because i cant really afford to disassociate behind the wheel. people dont just keel over and die, but im so scared that ill be the first. im a little scared that im delusional, like leo in shutter island kind of delusional, but not really. if i am then i wont know it. my reality is my reality no matter how skewed it may be. it really does feel more dreamlike lately. everything. i feel light but weak and my balance has been off for a little while now. my vision and the concept of time feel much more distorted. its much harder to see the future even tho i know it will come- i know that ill be 40 one day but what will happen between now and then? this is probably where my fear lives. all of this is so inexplicable to express which makes it even more confusing. i cant cry when im scared but it makes me sad. it feels as tho im trudging up a mucky hill on a grey and drizzly day and i know theres gotta be a peak on it but i couldnt see it even if i were in a helicopter- like that room in harry potter, it only shows up to me when i truly need it, or the infinite staircase in mario 64- it only ends when its time. theres no cheating it because theres no BLJs in real life. what a bizarre feeling

may to june, 2021

I want to give devoted time to my cats without any distractions. I want to give devoted time to my friends and people I love and strangers I will grow to love. I want to be present. I want to rid myself of the annoyance I feel at other people and remember and understand that they’re just being alive too. I don’t want to produce toxic energy. I refuse to believe that I won’t see the ones I’ve known who have passed ever again. I refuse to believe that this is it. I don’t want to be scared to die. I don’t want to be scared to live. I don’t want to be scared. I don’t want to depend on anything in order to be alive. I don’t want to hinder the fruition of good ideas. I don’t want to be crabby. I want to understand people. I don’t want to be so reliant on only myself. I want to tell my friends when I’m thinking about them. I’ll love you no matter what. I just want you to know. I want to feel extremes with other people and realize that they might not be around for very long. I want to do things. I don’t want to stop myself from doing things. I want to focus on what’s literally in front of me. I want to find the balance. I’ve got to find my balance. I want to know how to level out my balance when it starts to lean one way. I’ll never forget that my balance isn’t static. I want to be the best version of myself in order to continuously inspire others. I know I’ll forever be inspired by other people. I want to appreciate them for what they give to our collective life. I don’t want to overthink my actions and responses after they happen or fill in the blanks for what I think might happen. I’m tired of thinking I’ve done something wrong, it’s exhausting. I want to remember that what I tell other people applies to me more than anyone else. I want to remember that what I say actually has substance and is more than just words. I feel manic sometimes when my moods swing from crippling anxiousness to euphoric joy for being alive. I’ve always been this way, I remember now, the smallest things I see I appreciate and want to weep in gratuity for the gift of being here and alive and experiencing all that we do. I feel new emotions everyday. I don’t look back on my life and regret things I didn’t do, I look back on my life and I’m grateful that I’ve made it this far. I remember that my body is a vessel and although it’s not as vital to my being as my soul, it’s still the highlight of this chapter of my journey and deserves respect and care and worship. It will grow and decay but that’s okay, my soul will find a new shell to wiggle into. I need to keep in mind that I can move my furniture if I need something new. I have more control than I usually realize. I want to make chores less of a big deal in my head, they only take a few minutes of my life and the amount of space they take up in my head is very disproportionate. I always feel better after they’re done and that’s a very big positive. I don’t always have to drink my whole cup of coffee. I want to be excited to finish my to-do list instead of treating it like a drag. I always feel better after it’s done and that’s a very big positive. I would love to wake up happy and excited in the mornings. I think I can work on that too. I don’t want to overexert myself when I masturbate, it defeats the purpose. I’m so scared of falling that I think I should go skydiving but I don’t know if I would conquer my fear or create an even deeper wound to my psyche. I love being grounded, I love being calm, I’m always working towards those states, sometimes to a fault. I don’t want to be over reliant on comfort but I don’t want to be scared. I never want to be scared. I’m a big fan of using two or three emojis after a sentence to much more accurately depict the manner in which I say something. I want you to hug me with so much love we fall to the ground. I want you to touch me in as many places as you can, all at once, soft dicks, pure love. I want to listen to songs that make me so happy to be alive just so I can hear such beautiful music. I want to hold eye contact with you, if you’ll let me. I’m still the same person no matter how drunk I am or what drugs I’m on, I should remember that. I want to seek out sunbeams and recharge my battery the way cats do, I want to close my eyes and soak up the heat and joy, I want my fur to be warm even after I enter the shade, I want my sunshine to murder the darkness. I wish you wouldn’t interrupt me but I can only control myself so I will listen. I want you to realize the difference between not being able to do something and choosing not to do something. I want more confidence in my mental health, I want to know that everything is going to be okay and trust that knowledge. I want the smell of cigarettes trapped in my coat and the taste of liquor on my tongue and someone who loves me to love that. I wish you would let my tongue into your mouth. I want to try new things outside without fear of being watched and judged for looking awkward. I want to meet new people again. I desperately want to meet new people again. I want to feel tension and nervous in the presence of someone new. I want my mind to race and my heart to beat and to hold hands with fingers locked and thumb strokes on new skin. I don’t want to keep feeling sorry for myself. I want to give myself tattoos whenever I feel like it. I want to be done with social media, I don’t want to keep poisoning my psyche. I want to be free. I remember when a close friend told me she had worked so hard on herself and her life to become better and it was paying off and how jealous I was then- now it’s my time. I want to listen to my friends and allow them to talk to me without giving advice or interrupting. I want to give them the spotlight and I want them to feel the warmth from it and know that it’s not going to be about me. I want to remember that I can always add more but I can’t take back what’s already in. I don’t want to eat too fast. I want to rid myself of the idea that cloudy days are ugly. I will always listen to the youth, that’s a promise. I need to remember that when things happen to other people it doesn’t mean they’re going to happen to me. I want to feel the magic of school field trips again. I want to start appreciating aspects of people who don’t fit “normal” human stereotypes. I don’t want to fall into the trap of thinking that I am especially unique and special just because I am all that I know. I will remember that every idea I’ve ever had has been thought before and that is a beautiful and special thing in itself. I want to do the right thing with the people who are affected in mind rather than to make myself feel good. I want to create days that come to mind when someone asks you to think of a time when you felt happiness. I want my desires to manifest and I want to tell you how lovely it feels to be inside you while I’m inside you. I want to hug you while we’re naked together and I don’t want to let go until the hug feels fulfilled. I want to lay on the beach with you and smile to each other and disregard the sand on the towel, it’s not a bad thing after all. I want to hug you in your swimsuit and feel all of your skin that I can, the closest thing to intimacy in a casual setting, I want to appreciate your body for you and give all of mine to you in the hope that you’ll appreciate the touch of our two together. I don’t want just one person to share my life with, I want many and I want different pieces and phases of me to be remembered fondly by those I love and those who love me back. I hope to share my most sincere self with every person I choose to spend my time with. I love you all, I hope you can feel how much I really do. I’m convinced that I often feel clarity and emotions that’s beyond my human scope, like I’ve just woken up from a dream and that dream was the reality that I’m typing this in. The only thing I need to bring with me is my body. I want to appreciate the leaves on every tree while they’re here and not just miss them when it’s winter.

5/26/21

im back in my dads old neighborhood. the new homeowners took out the backyard fence and cut down the tree in the front yard that i used to climb and jump into piles of leaves from and although i dont think it looks as nice i respect their decision and choose to bike past with a grin. the park up the street looks the exact same. i remember as a kid i heard that their wasnt any staff for their tiny rec center and that still looks to be the case over 15 years later. the dandelions still riddle the field and the baseball diamonds sand is still tough as ever. i hated practicing here but today i miss it more than anything. this is the field that we used to have our family football games at, we played until it was dark enough that the ball dissolved into the sky with each pass. that was how we knew it was time to go home. the less than half court basketball area feels the same to me too and when i picked up the half inflated ball i sunk my first shot. thank you for leaving it there for me to shoot around. i remember the neighborhood kid that lived across the street from the park and im looking at his house wondering where he is now. one of my most memorable dreams as a child took place in this park with him and his sister as the main characters. i remember different memories at every single corner of this park. im so much older now but the cloudless sky feels the exact same as those summer days i loved so dearly. i remember riding my skateboard in the tennis court and even trying out some rollerblades a couple times. now that i think about it my dad even got us to fool around with tennis rackets on a handful of occasions. im so thankful he urged us to try so much. i have the entire park to myself to reminisce on this cool summer day and im basking in the sun and the memories i made here even though as a kid i didnt even consider this a memorable place. i feel so much gratitude here today

frank, 4/27/21

the sketch of your body hung in my room for months

i still had never met you, yet i always wanted to

even after the falling out between you and them

and now i wont get to

that sketch is a realer representation of who you were than the ashes at the bottom of the grand canyon

the news broke me because ive always had so much empathy for you. empathy, not sympathy and certainly not pity, but true empathy. from my outside perspective i saw a man not full who was both held down and propelled forward by others- how can you be there for someone else if you arent whole on the inside? i never knew you so how could i have known how unlivable it was? it hurts me so much to look back and realize how difficult being alive must have been. and it scared me a lot because ive always seen a lot of myself in you, even down to the piercings and buzz cuts. and then you killed yourself. i was told something happened to you and i had an oppressively depressing energy surrounding me until it was confirmed that you decided to leave early a few hours later. it killed me. only not literally. frank i just hope youre at peace and i hope you can feel me thinking of you

4/13/21

when i was young and the house was empty the desktop computer would beckon me to explore my new discovery. the back room was warm and the sun was always shining. 80s degrees with simpsons clouds in the sky. marking my territory in my cave within my home was my favorite part of that summer. i still prefer to masturbate with the windows open

always prepared with my box of kleenex, tho never stopping the eruption before it could travel. there was something about experiencing my product that i enjoyed- there was no shame, only bliss. my basketball shorts on the plastic base beneath the computer char, my eyes closed, relaxing. i had never seen or smelt anything quite like it. watching it dribble down the abs that i wanted to come in, pooling in my belly button. the emotions that flooded me made me feel like i was drowning...but in those moments i wished i would never need oxygen again

i still get the same feelings. its a longing. it makes me want to cry although i never have. at times i swear i would be stimulated by the song more than i was by the women. what an entirely special event. i could melt right now just thinking about it

maybe summer is my favorite season. it makes me happy to think that its almost here

4/11/21

i threw my shoes up in the tree with you standing next to me. it was your idea, i dont do those kinds of things on my own. i see them each time i step outside for a smoke- but with each new spring day the buds grow bigger and take another gulp in digesting them from view. i wonder how long ill be able to see them. i wonder if youll be standing next to me when the leaves fall off, presenting them to me again. i hope you will be

---

youre standing awfully close to me for us having just met. but i like your eyes and im drawn to your face. you can stand closer if youd like. your mask leads my imagination to guessing how pretty you are and when you brought it down to take a drink my heart skipped a beat. id like for you to stand even closer. i wonder if maybe we can do more. what a pleasant surprise youve been

---

i was fucking from a different place back then

4/10/21

i feel single

i think ive felt single for a while

i love my partner with my whole heart but when we discussed us not being sexual lately and our feelings of content with that it felt official

i still want to be with them, i still want to live with them, but my feelings are different

and with the only girl ive been seeing telling me she wants a break

and with the other girl not having talked to me in months

and the girl before that...

its so easy to feel sorry for yourself. but i dont think i feel all that sorry for myself. i cant even tell if im sad, my emotions were impacted from what i just heard but how much? im a sensitive boy but i wasnt in love. ive been wondering lately if im able to be in love again. at least with my present circumstances. but is that what i want? i just dont know. i wish the world was vaccinated so i wouldnt feel so stagnant. but really its not a bad stagnant. my year long sobriety feels like a vacuum, like a predetermined state of limbo...i guess thats kind of the point tho isnt it? impossible to see what the future will look like, how different or how similar my life will be, but i cant keep my mind tethered to the present no matter how hard i try. ive become noticeably better but it usually visits the past or jumps to the future. and i dont think thats a bad thing either. but if i dont think anything is bad i feel like i dont think anything is necessarily good. again, back to the vacuum and back to the drawing board

i wish to be hugged by my feelings in a finger-locked embrace, i trust them to never let me go. i want something to hold me like a boy and gently pull the bricks from my walls, to see me naked and feel me naked, my quivers and tiny tears, the whole package. isolation is too seductive, self pity too accessible. i want to wallow and emerge a stronger man but if the former is the norm and the latter a yet-to-happen uncertainty, is that really even the reason? i want the unspoken bond and unbreakable connection- its at the forefront of my demeanor but i havent felt it reciprocated lately- maybe ever

4/7/21

what is it about speedrunning? its the fact that these people take on arbitrary challenges and succeed at doing them. when they laugh i laugh and when they cry i cry. a lot of the times ill cry without them crying. its like watching a movie in real time which is even more rewarding because you cant see when it will end, youre perpetually stuck on "live". its watching history being made although this subsection of history is only watched by some thousands of people. it is a pure community without being infiltrated by many of the toxicities in the mainstream. i am not an integral part of it but i am a part of it

its the same reason i love skateboarding. not the "skate and destroy" side, but the seemingly insurmountable and completely meaningless accomplishments that are had. they have no impact on the world at large but they shatter the reality of its own community. people putting their minds to things, dedicating their precious free time and free will into beating a game they just came up with is priceless, its human capabilities at its best and most intersectional

its in the same vein as creating something. anything- there is nothing more human than doing something because you are dedicated to it and you chose to be dedicated to it without being influenced by the faceless necessities. its an escape from the unfair nature of being alive as a common person and its a testament to the fact that free will exists- i wont ever entertain the notion that it doesnt and speedrunning has shown me that. i have never seen more passion than in the small subsections of history being made in real time. passion. whats a life without passion? without passion you become the cog you hear so much about without ever realizing it until one day you do but its been too late to change for years already- but its never too late to pull yourself out of the machine and appreciate different people doing things on youtube before finding a passion of your own or, likely, many

am i passionate about speedrunning? yes i talk about it all the time. its a little funny because i really dislike competition, i think its an ugly thing thats forged in the minds of too many- but with speedrunning its different. there is friendship and love and joy that is ubiquitous among the members, it flows between them and its visible. i recently started watching smash melee videos and its beginning to creep into the ugly side of competition. its amazing that such seemingly similar communities (average joe sees "video games" as one thing, [no hate]) can behave so differently

i love the aspects of my life that i take with me into the real world that ive gained from speedrunning. ive even been playing games i wouldnt normally play and its a zen like thing for me to do and im very grateful for that. its helped with my routine, my appreciation for other people, and my outlook on life. instagram makes the whole world seem ugly but speedrunning has shown me that it isnt the case. im thankful for quarantine in a lot of different ways but bringing speedrunning into my life is at the top of the list

2/12/21

i want to be calm

then listen to your body

i want to be happy

then listen to your body

i wish i could do the most common things without having consequences

thats unrealistic. everyone faces consequences from these things. some hide it, others change their actions

i deleted social media off my phone again

good job. this comes in between you and your goals more than you consciously realize

i know. sorry i didnt do it sooner

you dont need to apologize because you did it today

sometimes im certain ill never drink again and sometimes im certain i will after i make it to 1 year of sobriety

you cant possibly know which of those is true until you decide when the time comes. there is no need to think about that for the time being. youve committed to 1 year and will take it from there

i still smoke cigarettes

do they make you anxious?

no

do they make you happy?

kind of. they make me feel calm

are you upset that you still smoke?

no. i think its okay for now. i like them

then its okay for now

i need to get more sleep

then go to bed earlier. no social media will help with that, but dont find new things to do in order to put off sleeping

i still have problems even tho i stopped drinking

its unrealistic to think that you wouldnt. but its okay that you did. now you know stopping one thing wont make your life perfect. you also know that stopping the one thing thats causing you the biggest problems is the biggest solution. your life is better now isnt it?

yes. very noticeably

and thats the point

my problems scare me

you are untouched. its okay that your problems scare you. youve always been cautious. this is even more of a reason why i dont think anything will ever happen to you- because you are so inclined to look inward and do your self checkups. they are excessive, but you dont let things go unnoticed and dont pretend things are okay if they arent. your pride in transparency should extend to the transparency you share with yourself, not just with others. you will be okay, i believe that confidently

thank you. youre right

youre welcome

1/2/21

part of me thinks i need to stop drinking. like for good

part of me *knows i need to stop drinking

it feels like its destroying me like i simply cant handle it, my mind is tearing itself up inside and its rendering me useless

as ive said before- what kind of life is that?

im going thru that stage where im convinced im on board to stop but then i remember all of the things ill miss...what good will my mini fridge be? i wont be able to share a bottle of wine with a newfound love. i cant show off my happy-drunk-self. i wont be able to cheers an ounce and a half (or sometimes three and a half)

for now ill keep thinking. i know i can hold myself accountable. i went thru all of december without drinking and it was fine. it was great actually. but i missed it. maybe i can find middle ground. for now its just no drinking by myself. ill make up more rules if i need to. fuck man i just dont know. well see

---

im crying at work right now and i just think i need to do it

---

when i drink i feel so happy. but the next day i feel sad at myself. pity and shame and the urge to comfort even tho its hard to comfort yourself when youre the one thats making these bad things happen to you in the first place. its just not worth it. i can make being sober cool, i know i can because i can make anything cool. i just have to stop, i really cant handle it anymore.

12/9/20, after smudges 2nd episode

ive always been close with my parents. my mom confided in me from a young age because i was older than my only brother and she and my dad divorced when i was 5 and he was 2. ive talked with her about a lot. id be there when she cried and did as good as any kid can trying to console the person who gave him life. it goes without saying that she consoled me far more than i did her, but when i think about my relationship with my parents and the bond that we have, it seems very different than the children who go away to college and shoot the shit with their mothers for hours over the phone. in both cases guardianship develops into friendship between "mother" and "son", but i dont speak with my mother every day. we live just a few miles away from each other but we only chat for an extensive amount of time about once a month or maybe even two. i like that we store up our individual experiences for this amount of time and unleash them on each other when we reconnect- it just works for us. all of us. i think this is the only way it could have been for all of our personalities

its the same with my father- now. weve always been close as well but in a different way. only the last few years do i think weve let down our walls (they werent very high to begin with but they were there) and embraced the hugging and the kissing and the "i love you"s. its a pretty thing to freely express that after limiting it in the past. he moved recently and now were neighbors only living a few blocks away from each other- we even share the same main street. thats why it was so convenient for him to call me yesterday night while i was installing latches on my kitchen cupboards where we keep the kitty food. he was having trouble with his own kitty- our kitty- of the last 8 years. my high school girlfriend was actually the one who named him "smudge" because of the little black dots he has on the white furred area around his nose and mouth- the cutest compliment to a handsome tuxedo cat. my dad cried to my brother and me just 2 weeks ago on thanksgiving for his deep love and appreciation of smudge- he has been the one constant in dads life of comfortable solitude since my parents' divorce. my dad never wanted a cat but my mothers mother was caring for a stray family in small town south dakota and after my mom had cared for her cat from the same town for the preceding year, my dad said he wanted to give this handsome little tuxedo cat a home in minnesota. he cried because he was glad that he did. my father and i wrestled smudge into the carrier last night amongst piss and shit and discovered he had a UTI from the emergency vet in blaine. today my dad called me because smudge was yelling and hissing and pissing and shitting again- the painkiller must have worn off. another day another emergency room. my dad cried to me today because of the trauma its causing him. he cant live this way and frankly i dont know how anyone could. walking down the hall to his apartment made me feel like i was walking into a corner of hell, knowing smudge has reverted to pure instinct again, blind to those he loves and who love him back, to get him back into this fucking carrier to try and see whats wrong with piss and shit all over the fucking place

"i cant do this. i literally cant live like this for another day. i might have to put him down."

i cried with him when i left the two of them, man and beast, at his car- i cant stand the turmoil this is causing him and i feel so much pain for smudgie. theyre both confused and scared and we all have stakes in each others lives. my dad and i are both vegan but we both know that humans come before other animals. i struggle considering what i would do in this situation so much that ive been refusing to even think about it. 

my brothers birthday is in 5 days and i hope that we can all spend the day together. mom, dad, max, me, and smudge

11/31/20 at work again, referencing last night

the anxiety creeps in like a slow coating over my brain- im rational enough to realize that the shell will crack at some point and ill be calm again, but the coating is hugging me a little too hard at the moment to feel any sort of clarity- so i cower in the corner of my mind and wait for the dark to break and leave me alone. im positive this has something, maybe everything, to do with the amount ive been drinking lately. i havent stopped since i was 18 and its been increasingly heavier with every new age i make it to. when i get these cerebral anxiety hugs i feel like its a punishment and i feel ashamed and sad at myself. instead of being able to sleep i have bad thoughts that keep me awake no matter how tired i am and i can only distract myself with tik tok for so long. im just thankful i didnt have any nightmares last night. im thankful im alive and that i get to sit at my job and get paid again when a new wave of people are thrown to the pit of unemployment. i remember hearing somewhere that mental illnesses commonly develop in your 20s and thinking "phew! thank god i still have so much time!"...well here i am! i made it! and when im 50 ill have a colonoscopy and think the same thing. maybe ill have a son and he will take me to and pick me up from my appointment just like i did for my dad a couple months back. where does the time go? ive had so many thoughts since yesterday morning and im exhausted but i just cant find the door out of my head, its a struggle to keep my mind off of my mind. another liquor break is overdue and is officially in effect. im glad that i can hold myself accountable to see things like temporary sobriety thru, but sometimes i wish i would get it thru my coated skull quicker. no matter how much it may feel like a punishment i always have to remember that my body is not against me, its doing what it can to help me and i recognize and appreciate that. i am my mind but i am also this body. each day is a lesson and each lesson is progress- you are always getting better because of that

11/30/20

i could have sworn the wind was against me this morning but when i passed the three huge poles all of their flags were as stiff as a photograph. i tend to forget that if the wind isnt at my back, im still going to have to cut thru the air that takes up all the space in front of me. either way i didnt mind it this morning, im a little shaky and uncertain about how im feeling today (my achilles heel!) but i have the sun to keep me warm and a job that pays me well to sit at today. i hope there isnt much work to be done- i feel vulnerable and a little fragile. i hope that everyone is nice to me- they usually are

...

it was an anxious day. a very anxious day. my cat peed on the bed once again (its going on 4 months now) but i took a small rest and im doing my book club reading for the meeting in 50 minutes. i feel okay. fleet foxes by fleet foxes is on and i remember that im a human and im alive in the world and im succeeding at living. nothing has happened that i cant replace. nothing has happened that causes me permanent damage. i am fortunate and i am relaxed. i love my life and i love being alive

11/24/20

when they took us in to see our dead cat it was dark, only a lamp was on. she had probably been dead for an hour and her little body was wrapped up in a blanket so we couldnt see her spilt guts they had just operated on. her head was out and so was one of her paws. we took turns putting our heads on her little body because it was too small to fit both at the same time- when it was a**s turn i held her paw and when it was my turn a** held it but we both kept crying at the same time. its a weird thing that humans do to try and comfort themselves even when the body in front of you is lifeless, you touch them like you did all the times before when they purr or smile or feel happy that youre touching them but now they cant. its like youre reaching for their life even tho you all know its gone and its been gone for over an hour. i read that it helps some cats who live together to see the others body when they die but the cats in our house only knew each other for a few months and i dont think the other cat liked elderflower that much even tho she seemed to like him- i hope he was at least a little sad when she didnt come home but its okay if he wasnt. we got the call on a walk before a protest and we broke down crying while i was wearing my "fuck cops" shirt- i was still wearing it when we walked into the vet. they werent allowing patients caretakers inside but they made an exception because our 8 month old kitten had just died. they all loved her too, they told us on our first visit in january and they told us again when they sent us a sympathy card in the mail a week or two later. theyre all such lovely people and i hope that they love our two cats we have now as much as they did elderflower. it must be hard tho because she was so perfect. i mentioned her when i set up our first appointment for these two cats we take care of now and the lady with the australian accent said she still remembered her all these months later. it made me want to cry. im crying now. its such a delicate thing life is and its okay that shes gone because theres no other way it could have gone but i miss her so much. i want to live as long as i can but i also want to see her again as soon as i can. i hope that it happens when i dont have anymore life in me

11/21/20

i like you more than you like me

even tho you tell me otherwise

but im okay with that

really i am, tonight is the first time i felt comfortable with it

"you are what you love, not what loves you"

i either love you or love the thought of you, even if its both, im so happy to feel this way

im dancing on my deck tonight thinking of you

but thinking of myself alongside those feelings

wanting you but loving me for feeling this way

its my emotions, my chemicals, that make me feel such joy

even if its triggered by you

when i think about heaven i think about feeling the way that i feel now and brushing arms with you with no end in sight, neither of us would want to move because locations dont matter if were with each other because were all that we want to be with. our aspirations reside in our collective company, no more and no less- we are the backbone and we are home

i have a second bed in my home again. its only a twin but thats all the room that i need if im sleeping with you, i dont want my own space

is it unfair to feel lonely as often as i do?

i go to sleep with my partner who i live with and i wake up to my two kitties cuddling me and asking for breakfast

but im still a human, alone with themselves forever with no way of it being different because thats just all of our realities

but i think theres comfort in that

alone, always, but together always for the same reason

i dont think loneliness is a bad thing, i find a lot of value in it

i think its the emotion where i feel the most

11/14/20

last night i left a note on the car that was parked in our spot and this afternoon i was texting the owner an apology

i cant stay mad at anyone

maybe my words were too harsh

saying it was "fucking frustrating" isnt something that some people hear all the time, i realize that now

some people just take things personally. i cant control that and i need to recognize that moving forward

i was venting to you, i promise it wasnt an attack, you were in our spot but it was your first night and im sorry i was so mean

thank you for accepting my apology

i hope to put a face to our interaction

were going to be spot buddies after all

i spent all day today ruminating over this

the only time i left was to smoke a cigarette on my wet deck-sized balcony

matthew mcconaughey makes it look so appealing, i just had to have one

(i cant believe i spelled his name right first try)

i learned a lesson today. its weird how shame will you force you to do that for a whole day, completely unexpected

ive been making moves to live a better, calm life. generous with my money. calm with my actions. but i still have work to do and i think this was a pivotal moment in my progress. as weird as the situation was

the toilet flushed, i am a blank slate again

i am constantly moving forward

h*****, 11/12/20

why do you have to be all that i want lately? why do you take so long to reply? i dont get mad over things like this- just confused i guess. i can speculate (and i do) but that doesnt matter much. i just feel lonely tonight and i was hoping we could spend these lonely hours together. i wonder what youre doing right now. or when youll open my message and text me back because that was two days ago and the night that i invited you to cum over is almost already over. i wish kitty cat klub was open so i could go be sad around strangers but now im just sad around my cats. i dont get my hopes up anymore and overall im very happy and i still feel calm but i want more than anything to experience my newfound reality with you. i hope youre okay, im sure you are. i look up to you when i look down into your eyes because youre so independent. i know face to face communication is your cup of tea but i heat the water for you and you dont show up. thats okay, you dont owe me anything and i promise my hopes arent too high its just hard to know that my hopes of what we could be dont seem like theyre ever going to come true. i havent felt this way in a long time and you said the same thing, even before i did, but i dont know why were still at arms length. i wish we could sleep together again. thats what tonight was for, and i know there will be other nights but i just want you now. your beautiful little body and your pretty eyes, i want to stare at them until we cant keep them open anymore and then i just want to feel you while i dream of you. i have love for you. i really do. and i just want to express it to you without words. you make me feel monogamous in a pretty way. i want to cry to you but you told me you dont cry very much, i hope it wouldnt freak you out. maybe we just feel in different ways and thats okay because i know that you would let me feel how i need to in the present and i know i would let you do the same, you feel so accommodating when you accommodate enough time for us to be together in person. i hate phones too, its okay, i suppose im just more of a slave to them than you are. i think youre so special and it makes me more sad than i have a right to be that you want to move to florida to be a beauty salon worker but im happy for you no matter how sad it makes me. for the most part i understand why i like you so much but i still have this incredibly large unknown in front of me which my emotions are sucked into- how can such a small person have such a large gravitational pull, i will never know. i realize that youll probably be someone i look at down the road as a friend that i shared a wonderful, small journey with but just like with all the others i dont feel okay with that, in fact everyone that happens with it makes me question my life more and more and not in a bad way but a realistic way that makes me wonder what i want, truly, with my time on earth here. that sounds dramatic because it is dramatic. but thats more for me to work out anyway. i dont want you to be a small piece of my puzzle but maybe you will be and ill just have to live with it. oh i feel like i love you. no matter if its just my projection of what i want on to you i still feel it and its still real. i hope your day was okay. i hope to see you again soon. it seems like we usually make something work and then i feel the bliss that i know we could feel every second of every minute of every hour of the day but it never works out to last that long. but its okay. what do you owe me? nothing. youre just a different person. i thought i was getting better at not falling in love with everyone and i really think that i am but youre just one of the golden catches that i know i have to release. i hope you swim your way to florida and still want me to cum visit. you seem like a great person to ride roller coasters with. i want to hold your hand during the moment they take your picture and buy it in a frame and then ride it again and kiss you this time and purchase that one too and keep them in my drawer forever. i want to stay at the motel we talked about and live like the florida project. more than anything i just want to feel emotional with you. when i feel emotional about you by myself i feel stuck. oh i just want to text you. if you called me my night would be redeemed. i look forward to seeing you again and staring into your eyes and have our mouths be best friends again. oh i feel like im beginning to love you, i hope that word doesnt scare you because it doesnt scare me and i can tell you exactly why. i hope you love me too. thank you for having a crush on me for so long and for validating mine on to you. i hope i can hug you soon and sit on the same side of the bench as you and watch the pretty strangers and cute kids. i love your head on my shoulder. i wish work was busy enough that you wouldnt keep getting cut...oh i love you. ill tell you what that love means to me the next time i see you that isnt in my dreams. i hope that its soon.

h*****, 11/7/20

you tell me im gentle and i respond by telling you its how i feel on the inside

its little things like these that can be taken in different ways

(and different severities)

that make tipping my feelings out on to you so fun

do you like the way that they feel? theyre my most precious belongings

i hope they are hugging you on the inside

its a beautiful thing to be taking a peek at your mouth once your eyes close and seeing your smile still greeting me

we are a slow burn

but slow burns make the best cigarettes

11/4/20

ive been good bro, thank you- been trying to work on living a calm but intentional life. its kind of a new thing for me to pair those together. the most accurate word to describe how ive felt while living with these two in harmony is "eye-opening". remember when i told you that sometimes you can just decide to stop feeling sad? its in the same realm. each day is progress in this indefinite exercise of being alive. each day im able to breathe a little deeper and i cant describe how grateful i am for that.

today i went on a bike ride and i was purposeful with existing- i guess you can call that living because living implies direction and intent. when i exist, im tense and im scared and im waiting for something to startle me. what kind of life is that? but im scared a lot of the time- another exercise im trying to improve on is letting go of my fear, particularly when there is no base in my fear. im scared of the unknown and something happening to me or inside of me that hasnt happened before but i just try and remember that i have lived these 24 years untouched. completely untouched, i really havent been hit once. looking back on those times i feel silly but the world really does have infinite unknowns, ive just been getting better living alongside that fact, finding the beauty in it actually and seeing it as a precious thing. living, not existing.

im getting used to having sweaty hands coated with cat fur and being content with it. same with cars outside my busy street revving their engines, a weird sort of masculine flex that i guarantee nobody gives a shit about, but why choose to be mad when i can decide to disregard? in fact sometimes ill even smile to myself when i hear the revvs now because i want my reaction to his action to throw the energy he might be seeking in his direction and hope that he can catch it while he speeds down university.

that reminds me how ive been using the word "bitter" to describe myself for the last few months and although its very true im not quite sure if its helping me move past it- why would i want to dig my hole deeper when i cant even drink the water beneath? i should be trying to climb out or give someone a call to lend me a helping hand because everyone needs a ladder every once in a while. words are so powerful. they are simultaneously so limiting to the extent that we are able to feel things but they are the most accurate and explicit way to convey your human emotions to another human. there is energy in words and each one spoken adds to the ever-shifting pool of living for us as a collective- thats why ive stopped using any words that are inherently misogynistic, the pool doesnt need any of that shit, ive sealed my lips and threw away the key for the garbage man to collect and hide it from me forever

my favorite thing about living right now is how loved ive been lately. im always loved by many people, another thing that i am constantly grateful for, but the sun has really been shining on that aspect recently. romantically, friendships, connections with strangers, the love i have been receiving helps me give it back to the universe in a beautiful self-fulfilling cycle and its improved my life so drastically as of late. it is a catalyst for my tranquility and i dont ever want to lose it- i plan on living to preserve it

as always, i love you and i appreciate you for just being alive, whether you would say youre living or existing because even existing is still a victory, youre here and youre alive! <3

10/21/20

i watched eraserhead and grossly disliked it in part because it felt like an attack- ive never seen a representation so accurate to how i feel in my own life. the dread and uncertainty that is created in its atmosphere is too relatable.

reading this book on anticapitalism and the other one on socialism makes me hopeful but not before it makes me feel split and, again, uncertain and ultimately scared- how can i go against the powers that be when theyre bigger than the oceans? i know that the magnetic field exists even tho i cant see that either- the magnetic fields arent evil tho. im scared to be alive sometimes, i cant expect myself to fight against an invisible evil thats bigger than the oceans and and runs thru everyone i know and everyone i dont. its extra scary when it uses us, the collective of humans, as its host. its even scarier realizing that this was made by evil men of the past! in the name of progress and humanity. where was the post nut clarity before getting this system rolling? short sighted when youre horny for sex and power. crusty ass old dudes are good for absolutely fucking nothing.

how do i get this out to yall? how do i prove that im an artist? how do i get rid of this feeling...it doesnt really consume me anymore but its sure as fuck more than an itch. hmmm

10/20/20

we said it was time for bed

but were face to face and head to head

our lips move forward to find each other

soon enough our bodies are smothered

thats when we loose it

and wonder how else would we use it

"is it okay?" you ask, hand on my cock

silent, i nod, hard as a rock

your accent goes away when you make your pleasure noise

knock knock, can i cum inside, fill the void?

10/17/20

"like its hard to tell how much i like her yet because its so new- but i know that im completely infatuated. to be blunt i feel like a decent part of me is upset that i feel this way, shes bailed on me multiple times before and comes back around to tell me how much shes always cared about me. and i believe her because it isnt a matter of belief its truly how she feels. her actions dont go against that but id be a fool to think they support it. i think shes just loyal to her friends and passive in the same way that i am but a lot more so- i guess weve already talked about this before. maybe im just too romantic. maybe shes just too nonchalant. my heart has been on a trampoline today, and for what? she doesnt owe me anything. but part of me feels like im falling for a trap. not a malicious one, not an intentional one in anyway, but a trap nonetheless. its organic in a way that theres no one to blame. but i cant help but feel this will ever be able to flourish the way that i want it to (no matter how many sweet words she spills to me about how good i am...)

shes got me really fucked up. to the point that im showered and clean again for the second time today on the off chance that she hits me up to say her plans are cancelled and she wants to come over so we can get to the good part. ill reply casually with my natural enthusiasm when on the inside it feels like everything these last 24 hours finally clicked...but it hasnt been a full day yet and this is still a hypothetical. purgatory for a desperate man who doesnt need to be desperate but desperate regardless for this beautiful little woman. is this what love is like? not even love love but our love? i cant help but imagine us sticking together for a long time...she seems like a fan of mine. i want to watch this movie but i told her i wouldnt finish it without her and i cant be a liar, even if she isnt a truther. last night was abysmal but i think it was just so dramatic because the rug was ripped out from below me after feeling safe in my ecstasy. i dont know if thats ever really happened before now that i think about it. nicos has to be closed now...but im not going to text her tonight. i cant become annoying, no matter how much im thinking about her. if shes telling me the truth shes thinking about me too still, shes just bad at her phone. i believe her for the same reasons listed above. i just wish it wasnt so hard on me. she told me my lips are soft...i just want to prove that again"

10/17/20

i hope to god that this feeling will fade

and i wont have to remember all of the tension i feel right now

all it takes is a text

you said you were coming back

but youve bailed on me before

youre a good friend, friend

i just wish you were one to me

i believe what you tell me

how you feel about me

because i feel the same

but it can only go so far

we cant get to the good part if you arent here

youve turned my hope and happiness into fear

i just want to feel beneath your skirt again

but youre busy helping your stranded friend

i know its legitimate

fuck

10/9/20

id really like to feel on your titty

and dry hump with you or just spoon with our clothes on

casually

because everything i want is casual

i just dont think you know that

its not a big deal that i wanna put my tongue in your mouth and squeeze your ass

id never jump a boundary but i wanna let you know that it doesnt have to be a thing

free (consensual) love baby

i wanna let you know what i wanna do together and explain myself and have your answer be "oh okay" and then jump my gun! and leave it at that...or make more of it if you wanna, im open

im droolin for you

not foolin for you

knock knock, can i cum inside?

eye contact the whole time

im not one to hide

you might as well be my bride

for the rest of the night

lick my fingers, squeeze the wick, no more light

hands 100mph, that does the trick, between my legs is all my might

10/6/20

Oh im here!

On my knees with my hands stretched out and my head to the sky

Im a sponge to my life tonight, I’m feeling everything I’ve felt before all at once

I want to show you what I’m feeling but I have no words…there are no words

But crawl over to me and I can show you

My eyes are closed but it doesn’t matter, I want it to be dark

I hope this playlist can give you a good idea

Because its killing me

But its okay if it doesn’t, its more for me anyway

To the handful of people I can’t get off my mind…

I hope you one day take your hand in mine

I can make you feel how I’m feeling

I know I can, I have no ceiling

It might take time

But baby please take your hand in mine

Give me a chance

What’s better than holding hands?

Or touching noses

Or changing poses

Safe in the darkness we’ve created

I like the dark’s caress almost more than yours

I can never get these feelings out anyway

Not under normal circumstances

But I know I could get there with anyone if you’d give me the chance

Ohhh its okay

I don’t expect that

I can take you to the promised land, the land I preach every day to those I love and those that will listen

My words are all that I have

Because I bite my tongue, its just who I am

I just hope that you read my eyes correctly one day and realize:

What we have is magical

What we have is love

Or at least it could be

Its more for me anyway. And thank you for allowing me to feel this for myself. With the feeling I have, there is no disappointment. Theres no stress and no expectations, there’s just freedom and feeling. The kind of feeling that makes me certain there is an experience to live that isn’t just in front of us…one that’s on a different plane. I hope you like window seats too. Ill hold your hand if youre scared of heights. Trust me baby. I love you for you and I love those I love for the feelings they give off and not just from what they say. Its more for me anyway but I would love to share it with you. Oh you’re so terrific…ill hug you in my dreams tonight and I won’t have to ever let go until my eyes open and my kitties are asking for their breakfast. Tomorrow will be another day of wishing and that’s a beautiful thing…I hope youll take your hand in mine

10/4/20, referencing 10/2/20

If I could go back and experience that same night over and over again without having the ability to remember I would. What are details when you can recall the exact feeling? The one that creates a pit in your stomach. But you’re still happy because in the unknown there is hope, no matter how sure you think you might be. So much of my recent days are just spent thinking about the details of your day at the same time as mine, I can’t help but be curious. Was it the Molly talking? 

Can we kiss more? Please keep rubbing my head. This doesn’t just have to be because were both on a drug together. You know this means more to me than that, read my eyes, my pupils aren’t even that big. I have everything to be happy for. I saw your body but I can’t remember. I’m horny for you but my dick is soft, you saw it. Can you not read my eyes? I thought I was being clear. Can you read my silence? Nothings good that you can’t hear. If only we could test this out when were on the same page and sober and you’d give us the chance but something tells me you won’t and I can’t be mad at that…ill just have to forget about it. I wish it was more difficult for me to let go, I wish I would have less ease in taking my leaps forward and away from the past because I don’t want to forget how you’re making me feel today- I can finally pinpoint my anxiousness. 

You let me see your naked body out of the shower, your new tattoo, how long until we get one together? Oh eve, how long until you let my tongue into your mouth? Can I cum inside? I won’t stay long, unless you want me to, because I really want to, if you’ll have me. If I could just breathe your air and find your rhythm and find whatever we’ve made together, please let us try.

How long have you loved me? What kind of love am I to you? My love for you has changed and I can tell you exactly how and when. I remember things you’ve said that weren’t directed at me but made me smile