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Holding eye contact with the freckle on my lip
Her gentle stroke, grazing my naked body
Circling our bare feet as yin does yang underneath the covers of my twin bed
Breathing my name the last time we made love
Walking in silence
Pleasure washing over her flowery face
Embodiment of free spirit within the locks of her golden hair
Turning late nights into early mornings
Stealing cigarettes from my fingertips
Turning any melody into a love song with her angelic voice
Inspiring me to create
Her fluttering tongue gathering nectar from the flower of my ear
Her poetry
Her art
Her love for living things
My love for her
A***** (9/9/17)
She was the ocean
She still is
Even if she isn't mine anymore
Even if she never was
Fuck a poem, I'm just gonna write.
I fell in love with A***** a while ago. I don't know when it happened but it did and I knew it would. I let it happen. She was my drug. But she was also my hurt. Maybe that's why I don't feel as heartbroken as I anticipated. I've already been through that on those lonely nights I stayed up wondering if she thought of me as much as I thought of her. She told me last night that she did. I believe her.
I don't remember how the conversation came about, but that isn't important. I knew it would have to happen eventually. The truth. The feelings. Spilling out like hot water over the edge of an overflown tub. It was beautiful. To finally, after all this time, tell her my exact feelings. Even the negative ones. Especially the negative ones. The ones that haunted me for weeks on end. I feel like I could have said more. But that isn't important.
The finish line of that talk was difficult; looming for the duration, we both knew where it was going. I think. Have I ever been in a more bittersweet situation? To hear that the girl I love is loving me back, but not being able to move forward? A giant step forward in our relationship. Into a bottomless cliff.
I know this is good for me. I just don't know how I'll ever want anyone more than her. Do I want her so badly because I can't have her? I don't think so. She told me last night that I don't know the real her. I probably don't. She claims she's trouble. Says there are things about her that would frighten the shit out of me. Maybe there are. But I don't care. I would do anything for her and the bliss she gifts me. Reasoning these things out is pointless when I know that for certain. That's all that matters. My mouth waters just thinking about it. I should just call it love because that's what it is.
Maybe it's stupid but I still imagine us together. I back my feelings on Biding Time. I would be shocked if we don't connect later on in the future. She's my puzzle piece. Why would we ignore such a clear calling? Or why would she? Maybe she was right. Maybe I just don't know her.
I'll leave it at this. I told her last night that she's changed me more so than I think anyone else really has. She's opened up my already open mind to a degree I didn't think feasible. She's shown me the beauty in humans. The beauty in nature. She made me deeply love animals. Even insects. She made me love glitter. Fucking glitter. I can still see some on the back of my hand that she shed on to me last night. God she looked amazing. She always does. I hope it never comes off.
No matter what mindset I wish to have at any point down the road, she's going to be impossible to forget. I'm reminded of her when I think of the endless ocean, when I see butterflies or black eyed susans being kissed by the sun, when I look up at night and see the glowing Mahina, when I see illustrated eyes looking back into my own, when I see Mother Nature putting on a display that I know we would both appreciate more than two people should.
And when I think of love.
For now I ride the wave of life and let it carry me to whichever shore I'm meant to wash up on. I yearn to find land with her, but only time will tell. The ocean is wise. I trust she puts things where they're meant to be.
Chapter 21: Bliss
I woke this morning with last night's aches
And a smile on my face
Stumbling through the kitchen
Tripping over stools
And the carefully documented memories of you that blur my vision
You've launched me into the clouds
Pushed me to my terminal velocity
Where nothing can touch me
I jumped in an icy shower to test my joy
And the shell of glee you've tailored for my body
The stream of cold only made me happier
I sang the words of our favorite songs and enjoyed every drop
In my fountain of youth
Skipping to my station
And the methodic pound of my heart
I sat down and wrote about you
Again
Laid Up
Laid up behind closed curtains
Where time does not exist
We melt into each other
In a puddle of passion
We speak with our bodies
Exchanging gifts of saliva
And of pleasure
Led by songs of strangers
The heavy fall of rain outside the meaningless window
And the silence of wonder
We explore the other
Whispers of gratitude
Locks of eyes
Tears of joy
Of disbelief
Of perfection
We make our own scent
And an everlasting memory
Nature's Daughter
With toes in sand
And stones in hand
I found thee
Where land meets sea
The salty mist and haze
Had gripped your loving gaze
The twinkle of your eyes
In each wave's mighty rise
Your hair flew with the ocean wind
While droplets caked your darkened skin
As I watched among the blue
My wondrous feeling only grew
Yet even so, I fully knew
That this moment was for you
Born from water
Nature's daughter
The Unknown
part 1
It is known that ignorance is bliss
Yet none mention the half story hell
Vile speculations fill gaps
When details aren't known full well
Toxicity takes control
Of all thoughts in the mind
A swamp of dread
You suffocate in your bind
Would you be better off without?
Your cure is your curse
Is the joy worth the pain?
Sadly you know: it'll only get worse
part 2
The dirt colored eyes I so longingly miss
Are being looked into by another.
The bounce in her walk, the curve of her nose, all the same.
Another with much more right than I.
Happy for her happiness,
Sad from my selfishness.
How could another fit her better? A question that lately haunts the chambers of my mind
But I would never question her judgement
And that makes it all the more painful
Plane Ride Poem
A soul so seldom met
It simply can't be true
Impossibly similar
You crave to dig into her
One is now seamlessly two
Guided by the frequency
She helped you learn was real
Mutually understood
Words do no good
When describing how you feel
The cosmos in her corneas
The sunshine in her mane
Thoughts pacing
Heart racing
You'd die to kiss again
Time will tell how long this lasts
But for now it matters not
Utter bliss
Can't beat this
And the feeling that you've got
Overdose
Dangerously comfortable
Unfathomably pleasurable
This can't be right
The beginning of my addiction
No smoke
No pills
No needles
More destructive than all
And you're okay with that?
If she's so perfect than why are you already preparing for the blow?
It's only a matter of time
Different people
Different places
It's been here all along
You've never understood the need to let something go that you love
You never will
All that matters are the butterflies lifting your heart beyond the clouds
Into paradise
Just high enough that when they die, you'll crash right back down
Into reality
Worse than ever
You have no one to blame but yourself
You know that
The withdrawals are already here
Why so pessimistic?
You know you're too perfect to not be together
You already wrote about that
That means something
Right?
All you know is your perspective
And she's different
That's why you like her
You know that
You'll suffocate her with your love
To take her out before she can destroy you
She's too good to be true
I feel sick
I'm falling in love
I know that
8/18/17
sorry i havent been writing in here that much, ive been mostly focusing on poems on my computer. theyre almost all about a*****. this chick is fuckin special man. i know you already know that though.
just wanted to stop by ☻
my life is getting brighter and brighter all thanks to her ♡
"i wish to wallow in sadness because it's the only emotion i can fully give in to. happiness is a jittery overload of stimuli and no introspection. sadness asks 'why?'; the most important question of all"
I woke up next to Sadness this morning
Naked and pale she was,
despite sunrise's first shine
She was not scary as she had been before
In fact she was attractive
So I took her hand in mine
My coarse thumb stroked the tan line on her velvet wrist
From the watch she wears to tell her when
I need a bit of her time
I used to resent her, for she swallowed me whole
And spit me up used with her toxic saliva;
To her, a victimless crime
She would tell me that her trips were necessary
No matter how much I pushed her away
No matter how much I cried
...
I sauntered out of our void
Strategic not to make a peep
No intention of hiding my actions
But mindful of my sweetheart's sleep
It's about that time of night
Where I crave that starry air
And the brisk walk down the street
To our musty, lonesome lair
I found her where I always do
See she never leaves the bed
And as sudden as she feels me there
I'm nuzzled near her dreary head
If sunlight is the good
And its absence is the bad
And we embody ugly
Then she's the glue we've always had
Weeping, silence, anger, thought
Precede the nightly ritual
She makes no noise or sign of care
Before she takes you into her
Deep within her, you succumb
Ice cold flesh is rendered numb
Uncertain where this feeling's from
Though not surprised- that's why you cum
Among the cloud of sea and trees
We feel to deem as true
There is no other real
Quite like the real she gives to you
You know not if she knows her strength
Or need within your life
It matters not, she's always there
To leave you quickly without strife
The morning twilight's in the air
As you make the walk back home
Your sleeping partner understands
For she, like all, have got their own
hmm
Parallaxes aligned, I feel like myself
depression, lesson
the tan line on your wrist where the watch you must have looked at countless times
I was up before the sun
But when its rays hit your body
The hovering cloud of dust
Illuminated by morning's first light
Told me it was morning
Though I was up when it wasn't bright
Wide awake before the sunrise
Morning's first light
Illuminating your wrist
And the tan line from your watch
You must have checked on countless occasions
When it was time to suffocate me
Dust was dancing in my room
Far before the sunrise made it clear
Though my eyes were wide
Morning's first light
Turned skin glowing white
On the tan line on your wrist
You looked at countless times
The morning sun was quickly gathering strength when I decided to make a conscious effort to keep my eyes open. I noticed the dust, illuminated and hovering within the confined area of a slim ray of sunrise, before I noticed your body.
You were naked and I believe this to have made you less intimidating than you once were to me for many years.
Biding Time (7/19/17)
Our love was destined from the moment the sun first set and the moon first rose
I laid my eyes on a drape of silky blonde hair on a Monday night and was drawn to you as a planet orbits its only attraction
On a Saturday night was when I knew it was real. Watching your methodical sway in your light brown dress to the songs you put on. I was mesmerized. Your eyelids concealed the depths of your dirty irises I was certain many had fallen into before. You let the music take over, and that's when I knew
I wrote about you in my journal two days later because I couldn't get your body off my mind
Our time together was a vacation in nirvana. Puppy love that was deeper than a bond between soulmates. We cuddled in bed before we hugged, the fat on our upper arms glued together during the movies we watched. That was all we needed
Your soft spoken, articulated voice graced my ears less than anyone else I'd ever spent time with, but the galaxies in your eyes told me more than words ever could
You made me feel
Watching you walk, as free as an autumn leaf soars through the breeze, open to wherever it is you would land and whoever was near. A quiet ray of sunshine to all you touched with your infinite beams of light. I could feel my mind opening, my values aligning, my life becoming happier
My love growing
Our door is creaking open
You told me your reciprocated feelings and my heart fluttered into the skies above. Thrilled as I was, I was not surprised. Is anyone surprised that the sun makes them warm and filled with relaxation and joy?
Even though we cannot be at the moment, I'm the happiest I've ever been
You told me the concept of time was something man made up and you were right. Only the universe knows how long it's going to be until we end up where we're supposed to be. Together. In the same innate sense that we blink, in the same effortless manner that we breathe, in the same divine nature that we cannot do anything to stop the sun from setting and the moon from shining, we will be together in one way or another
I will blissfully bide my time until our love rips the door off its hinges
Sunkissed Flower
Alone in the field
On a warm summer's day
The sun at its peak
When he ventured her way
A curious young butterfly
With no destination
Caught a glimpse from a ray
That shone from her skin
She pulled him in close
If only for fun
Swaying leaves in the breeze
Being kissed by the sun
Thick golden petals
Around a precious brown center
She was going to seize him
And he was going to let her
The landing was gentle
On the pattern she'd grown
He leaned slowly closer
To give a kiss of his own
Moon
Portraits in the pale moonlight
Strode along the darkened night
All but one to hurry home
Following the orb of white
Heavy boots along the track
Formed the echoes at his back
Nearing city limit grounds
His dim horizon fell to black
He often clutched the thought of two
Sharing moments no one knew
Quiet, soft, and steered by love
His heart felt that with someone new
For now the man was all alone
Bathed in lunar's muted tone
Yet in her midst, he felt at ease
Permanent, beautiful, on she shone
My Bike, My Baby
work
exercise
transportation
joy
prized possession
The Masses
Left. Right. Left. Right.
The masses move from A to B.
Head down, out of sight,
Not confined, yet not quite free
Afraid to remove the cold, hard masks,
Or to draw excess attention,
Praying that none will ask,
Even the simplest of questions
There are no friendly smiles,
No mutual recognition,
Only zombies on the tiles,
Focused purely on their mission
Right. Left. Right. Left.
One walks against the rest
Already shouldering a massive heft
Putting humanity to the test
Eagle
Soaring in the open skies
Wind against her glossy eyes
Gliding with no life to chase
Knowing not her innate grace
Proudly scanning her domain
She's circled time and time again
Although her young rest in the trees
Her true home lies within the breeze
fun
baked as bread
help me count the ched
only vegan tho we dont fuck with dairy
cow titty juice is scary
yeah i cut my own hair so yeah i got a few strays
but bro you think like you took a few too many q tips to your brain!
guess you could blame society but youre the one with the swab
self depricating selfishness, well be better off without ya, on god
i masturbate on the weekdays
and take molly on the weekends
inspired by sunshine
i think i believe the best days to be the most simple
i reside today in my high rise
with the fading, winter sunlight becoming more marvelous with each passing moment
the further it wanes
the more we bask
nature's perfected performance
that she provides us with last
its january 4, 2018 and it was 45 degrees today
a solemn detail regarding nature herself
though still uplifting to all of us who choose to live in the midwest
or those stuck here
i feel like this is still my home for both of those reasons
yesterday a***** asked me if i was content and i replied im the most content ive ever been
even considering my mental health lately
and although i did not feel content in its entirety when she asked
i felt that today
as soon as we woke up together
under the stark, blue sky
and i still feel that as the sun breathes before its last goodbye
until tomorrow
and after her pink and orange dance
shadows on the homes
of us who spent our day protected
warm with no clothes
inspired by her infectious
loving light
as day turns night
stagnant
unable to give myself to moments
the rise and fall of rileys thoughts and his solitude from others
when thoughts gain some traction
enough to force action
from the one stuck inside
their crippling mind...
i guess you could call this a parallel to the stages of grief
but instead of finding acceptance
and ultimately moving forward
with a newfound aspect of growth in your psyche
i fall deeper and deeper into my numbness
and depression
and wondering whether or not i really am just
utterly alone
my truths build up my throne
in this unfinished mansion of my own
ive got no more stone
to keep me grounded
i seek trust in my relationships and while i might find an abundance of it with many that i throw my true self at
when that time comes
and my hope is high
and i try and speak my mind
giving myself that natural ecstasy
and that one sentence is uttered by my temporary partner
and i know they dont see the picture im trying to paint when i articulate my ramblings
i curl back up
all cozy in my shell
an ending abrupt
to some sounds spoken by two different people with two different mindsets and ways of working things out
i dont blame anyone
for not feeling my words
how could i?
im just as lost as they are
"if everyone else is crazy, youre the one thats insane"
difference between critical and cynical
i pride myself in my ability to be critical
and to take critical thoughts when theyre thrown back at me
i adapt my ways to whichever direction my mindset shifts to
after hearing particular things
and realizing that i agree with them
although sometimes my direction is still straight
because im still in tune with how ive been going about an aspect of life
im not all bad
far too often though
i wallow in disgust
at the smart phone waving
small talk making
cancer eating
sheep around me
my cynicism is acting up again you see
i echo to myself how i would not do that
truly i dont
i simply lay immobile
in my thoughts
and all the faults
everywhere but within
however i still hold the belief that each being is valid in whatever they do-
literally anything-
for the sole reason that they are alive
and i am alive
and we are here together
doing whatever it is that we choose to be doing
with our free will
or lack thereof
so i find myself in a dilemma
a conscious limbo state
a self-induced purgatory
though im certain im making my way towards hell
perhaps ill have an easier time pointing out flaws of the devil
and comparing my saintly self to the symbol of all that is bad
or perhaps we will become friends
and be able to agree on all that ive said
and the many thoughts that have never left my tongue
friendship
i treat non living things like friends
and i think thats the right way to treat them
instead of studying music, learn from it
nobody gives a fuck if you can name the timestamp of a mediocre bar
you fuckin geek
music is a companion
for you to provide attention or to sit in silence
when you laugh or cry or gawk
or be the cause of all of these things
i dont really know what else to say
dont rate that shit
dont boast about your playcounts
or your library where just a fifth sees the light of day
another thing ive been saying a lot lately is how molly is the only drug id consider a true friend
weed can be anxious
lsd can be scary
mushrooms hit or miss
cocaine is just so fuckin short it leaves me depressed
(now im just listing off all the drugs i do so yall can see how sick i am)
but molly!
oh my dear sweet molly
my one true love
her sweet tingling hugs
from my feet to my hands
she makes me a man
coursing throughout my sweaty body
leaving me paralyzed
head back, closed eyes,
im a sponge to my surroundings
and no matter what-
i twist everything to gold
or at least my emotions feel that way
molly and i dance. she is no vehicle for my pleasure, she is the source of it
and shes there with me through it all
every time
thats why im about to spend half a g on us in a few days
i tend to live a bit like a minimalist
therefore all that i own is dear to my life
reciprocity, respect, care, love, and utility
what more could you ask for in a friend?
speaking my mind
ive always thought i was too selfless
and i am, for most things
but when it comes to speaking my mind about things that bother me that really arent big deals but they are in my head when i focus on them and only them and not the undying love i have for the person thats doing these irritating things-
i come off as a prick
but thats also just my imagination
because in reality the doer of my current nuisance
feels as if theyve wronged me
after hearing my two cents
my hook wedged deep within their stomach lining
i must of cast off by accident
because i fucking hate fishing
yet i still cause some dying
with my gentle fingers and vicious bite
i eat em raw
can you manipulate without intent?
i feel as though im a victim as well
i suffer and i suffer due to my voicing these thoughts less than 1/10
im just too picky
im always uncomfortable
even after a full nights sleep and no prior drinking ive still got aches
every god damn morning
oh well
im just working with myself as i work with others
i dont always know who to put first
to be honest i really dont know shit about anything on this earth
ill live that til my last ride in a maxed out hearse
im just playin, when i die, throw me in the trash!
mind and body, divided
how do you look at yourself?
when you look in the mirror, your naked body in full view, who do you see?
yourself? just you?
or maybe a body with a mind?
the perfect combination of two
to live our lives however they unfold
lately ive been imagining my mind and body on different pages
one brilliant, powerful enough to sway even the most closed minded coward
since mine is as open as my heart
the other, though, is what it all comes down to
the sleepy, the lazy, the scared
an oaf
unable to perform to benefit the both
its all about him-
or at least, hes the nail in the coffin
the mind lies below. deep as the pacific
shouting as physically as one can
when youre simply a thought
but thats just specifics
for a drowning being
regardless, the body does not reciprocate
the minds deepest inhibitions, the ways in which it could change views, opinions, actions
for i believe my body to be one of the weakest
in comparison to its companion
different pages
different stages
creating a divided man
just doing the best he can
in a sense
but who, then, am i truly?
i cant be just one or the other
or neither
body and mind are brothers
everyday is a piece to the puzzle in our game to figures out ourselves
or the world around us
or our existence as a whole
however the fuck you want to think about what we do from the time we rise to the time we fall
growth
•used to: eat animal products, keep my mouth shut
•i dont overthink shit, i just dont get why more people dont think more about shit
•people should always be looking to change
•norms arent good
a blue jay just landed in my view as i was gazing out my window
does this mean i should finally write?
6/23/17
ive been just overwhelmed with nothing but good thoughts and good energy lately.
im in love with music more than i ever have been. im so interested in making some how too or at least trying.
im pretty high and i tripped on LSD earlier today and i just wanted to write.
a***** seems like one of the coolest people ive ever met or ever will meet. when did this turn into a diary? oh well, i guess thats always been essentially the main point of this anyway.
i forgot the main reason i wanted to make an entry. it was something comforting i think.
its gone. life is still just terrific either way ♡
airplane, may 2017
As the leaves were in their autumn hue, the riverbank found itself accompanied by two friends. Drew was nearest the water, swaying his legs from the rock he was perched on. He stared at the sky with intense curiosity, watching the clouds roll by as though they were his new favorite movie. He had been to this spot on no less than fifty separate occasions over the summer, but Mother Nature always found a way to provide him with something new to look at. He frequently tried to make a point of thanking her, even if it was only with a quick, passing thought of gratitude.
The other, Carter, was returning from a spot nearby after relieving himself of a full bladder. He knew the location quite well too, although he had been here considerably less than Drew. With a busier schedule, it was difficult for Carter to keep up with his acquaintance's frequent trips down to the river. Neither of them minded though; as much as they enjoyed the other's presence, they each valued their alone time. Lucky for the less-versed, all one needed to do to find the way back was follow the manmade trails that an immeasurable amount of feet have trampled into the earth over the years. He chose to stand behind Drew for the time being and watch the clouds as well.
Only a mere body's length away from the water's edge, they were encompassed by trees and vegetation. Light green bushes lined the water's blue edges, while the friends stood safely on the shimmering sand behind them. Families of birds made homes in the branches above and sung for those that chose to listen. This now-familiar area of theirs was much more cleared out than most that were nearby. With timeworn boulders doubling as stools around a pit of ash and burnt logs enshrined in the center, this was a very desirable spot. The slight changes in scenery upon each visit made it clear to Drew and Carter that they were sharing this intimate location with strangers, but they found comfort in knowing that other parties treasured their second home as much as they did. Drew often found himself wishing that more people would come down here to experience the tranquility it permanently offered. He was convinced that a venture to the water for even a handful of minutes could have an extraordinary impact on even the most quarrelsome of men. A clear view meant a clear mind. The two boys were certain that the strangers whom they would likely never meet would also cite this as their main influence for staying.
While the river roared, the wind whistled. Even the sun's rays seemed to be making a sound of glowing, white noise. Drew and Carter were transfixed with their surroundings just as they were with every visit. Although they had their fair share of insightful conversations at this very same location, they found that the most heartfelt moments were the ones where they allowed the other to join them in silence. These were what their memories would consist of.
• • •
A distant airplane broke the monotonous sound of nature. The low growl it produced was in the air for half a minute before Drew added to the noise.
"Do you ever think about how many people are on a plane?"
The question fizzled out into the openness, met only by the response of the singing birds. Drew felt somewhat silly asking such a meaningless question, but he wasn't offended when his friend didn't answer right away. Many audible thoughts during these visits would suffer the same fate; thrown out into the open, never to be added on to or brought up again. Yet as he sat there for those few moments, Drew knew that this was not one of those questions. Before the lingering query had completely vanished, Carter spoke up with his contribution to the noise.
"Hmm?"
"Do you ever, like, just think about how many different people there are on every single plane you see in the sky? I don't know, it's interesting to think about,"
"Not really,"
After a moment of silence, Carter added, "But yeah, that's pretty cool I guess," seemingly with the sole intent of pleasing his friend.
The questioner could feel in his partner's voice that although he didn't care to necessarily elaborate on the idea, he wasn't answering in a patronizing manner the way that an outsider might interpret the response. Drew understood that Carter simply did not wish to speak on it at the time. And that's okay. Both of them would still grow together, and individually, so as long as one spoke and one listened. Their list of unspoken agreements was the most meaningful reason they retained their friendship over the years.
As the airplane flew across the natural screen of Earth's atmosphere, Drew momentarily directed his attention to the tower of stacked colors that made up the twilight sky. He began at the top, taking note of the deep blue, then gracefully let his eyes fall through the gradient to the horizon. Blue to green, green to orange, orange to black. Was that right? It was very difficult to describe the shades he was seeing and even more difficult to determine where one ended and the next started. He didn't pay too much mind to it, though. All that mattered was that it was beautiful.
His gaze darted back to the source of the one question that had been asked tonight. The airplane was at the left-most point of the ever-growing contrail that it was leaving in its wake. As he watched it weave in and out of the layers of clouds that were separated by tens of thousands of incomprehensible feet, he imagined how fast it must be moving. Down on the ground, it looked quite slow relative to the flow of the current and the branches dancing in the breeze, but he knew the beast was moving faster than anything he would ever see up close. He wondered how many windows it had, and how many people were looking out of them at this very moment. A window seat was something he desperately preferred on the handful of times he had the privilege to view the surface of our planet from such a unique perspective that not even the singing birds could see. He was reminded of his mother as he recalled her fear of flying. He always thought it was silly to try and sleep through a flight the way she did when you could have a front row seat to a view so rare that many will never even experience it. He then wondered how many others could hear the sound of the plane he was watching so intently, and how many bothered to recognize it for what it was instead of subconsciously brushing it off as another redundant sound of life.
Speculations turned to observations as he admired the jet from afar. It looked as if it were picking up clouds the way he'd seen a car picking up leaves on the street as he and Carter were coming down here just over an hour ago. The quick change in his cognitive process brought him back to the riverbank the two of them were sharing.
Drew pushed forward with his thoughts. The words spewed from his lips faster than any plane would ever fly.
"Think about it, man. Almost, if not all, of the passengers on that plane are strangers. Strangers who won't ever see each other ever again. Everyone on that flight could be polar opposite in every imaginable way from the person they're sharing an armrest with for a few hours, yet they will share the fact that they've been planning this flight for months out of their lives, and now it's happening. Every person on that plane is traveling somewhere together. Every person on that plane will now have every other person documented- cemented! in the synopsis of their lives. Even now, the people on that plane are a part of our lives just because we chose to talk about them. That's pretty fucking cool to think about,"
It was so effortless, he wondered if he had actually said anything at all. Carter may have been working out another response in his head, but Drew continued before there was a chance to say it.
"There's a certain unity between people just for being people, you know? We're all just human beings living life, no matter how we choose to do it. I never feel that more than when I'm surrounded by people who I don't know. There's a weird type of comfort you get from being anonymous in a crowd and knowing that you don't have to interact with anyone. Maybe just smiling at people, but that's it..."
He trailed off with this statement and allowed the words to resonate for not only Carter, but himself too.
"It's the same type of unity that makes me hope that everyone on that flight gets home safe. Even though I'll never meet or see any of them. And if I ever did, I sure as hell wouldn't know it."
Drew was overcome with the melancholic feeling he had grown so accustomed to these past few years. Sad as it may be initially, it was never negative. Emotions were something he cherished, no matter what form they took. He was consistently drawn back to his thoughts of being a human and what that entailed. What's more human than feeling?
He rejected the sky and fixated his eyes on a rock that was almost fully submerged in the water. With every wave, there was a brief moment of hope in which he was certain the dry spot at the top would turn from grey to black as the river left its mark and fell from the slab's sides, but it never happened.
"I don't know. It's just cool to think about,"
He and Carter sat in stillness for quite some time before Carter got up to pick up some of the trash that some of the strangers had left. He enjoyed keeping the venue clean and, in his own words, "pretty". Not long after, the sound of a jet engine shook the clouds once again. Drew peered up to see a new aircraft flying in the opposite direction of the last. A chill ran through his spine as he noticed, for the first time, how late it had become. He spoke up for what felt like the tenth time, but now with a different question.
"You ready to go, Carter? It's getting pretty dark,"
"Yeah, I'm down. These mosquitoes are getting me pretty bad too. Help me with this garbage here,"
Drew decided not to entertain the airplane notion anymore today. He knew they'd be back soon enough.
5/28/17
ive been thinking a lot. the boundary waters trip with the boys was surreal. it was incredible being miles away from others for so often. it was so fucking cool for us to just survive together.
im excited for soundset tomorrow. im ready to see travis. so ready.
ive been thinking a lot about love lately as well. i cant wait to find a partner to share a life with.
ernest hemingway is also just the best. finished the old man and the sea today. phenomenal.
life is precious and life is beautiful.
5/14/17 (mothers day, after brunch)
i know it simply makes sense considering shes the woman who raised me, but my god is it crazy how similar my mom and i are.
we just finished a delightful brunch consisting of just us two. it was so nice to be able to talk with her one on one.
ive never been so overcome with the feeling of gratitude. it breaks my heart to hear about how shes been so held down at times when she is such a gift to the universe, but i know thats part of why shes such a treasure.
she truly spearheaded thought all of the negative so my brother and i could safely grow up in her wake and flourish.
its so nice to know that ill always have someone to talk to so effortlessly since were always just on the same frequency.
this ones for you, ma ☻ happy mothers day ♡
5/11/17
today has been phenomenal so far and its only 2pm.
i treated myself to a morning J down by the river at raound 9am, listened to carrie & lowell, and thought a lot more about my writing.
im choosing to focus less on the whole childrens aspect and just dive into some deep thoughts ive been having. in a different, similar, simple fashion, theyll most likely be somewhat short. basically a collection of short stories.
the other part ive been thinking of would having the stories be accompanied with a painting of a specific scene that it depicts. TBD on if those will be done by me or not.
time to hop to it ☻ im all set up at starbucks and ive got nothing but time.
5/1/17
it feels a bit weird writing in an empty journal for the first time in a while...
regardless, here i am. i had one of the strongest urges to write ive probably ever had in my life up to this point so i really wanted to take advantage of it.
the origins of this urge arent unknown, however. im certain that the point im at in life right now, my feelings, my recent experiences, even school being one week away from ending, all add up to equal a pinpoint in my life ill remember forever and, on top of that, yearn to come back to for years to come. ill, of course, have more of these within those years, but theyll be different. i guess, to put it plainly, im essentially in a highlight of life at the moment. and i fucking love it.
the funny part is, im not full of happiness. i havent developed a newfound depression or anything to that extent, but these past couple weeks (or months, im not really sure) ive been hit with waves of immense emotion. its impossible to put into words, but its a bit like comfortable isolation. im content with knowing that there really arent that many people out there that will fully understand me or who i can open up to. the fact that im sitting alone in our incredibly busy student union building feeling at ease speaks to that.
the flame of hope that ive always kept with me still burns strong though. not even hope, but utmost certainty. not an inkling of me believes any other narrative than me finding someone i can fully open up to, grow with, and have that reciprocated.
theres this girl ive been entranced with the past two days. like, i literally cannot go even an hour without thinking of her. when i met her back in january, i knew she was a special woman, but i didnt think too much of it. i catch feelings easy and i know it. but the more i got to know her and speak with her, the more encapsulated i became. the icing on the cake was being together at a party just two nights ago. i can still recall just perfectly how beautiful she looked in her tan, silky dress swaying her hips back and forth to the song that she chose to put on.
im still not sure if shes going to be a part of my life yet though or if she simply embodies the love and lust that i feel towards her. all that i can do right now is play it by ear. ill be seeing her tonight (i think) (i hope) at the last hook club meeting of the year.
aside from that, im thrilled to have summer break start so soon. im already dedicated to focusing a large portion of my time on photography and started some childrens books/working on my writing overall. im writing those future hobbies down again so ill be more inclined to focus on those two rather than some of the other ones i have written down on a post-it in my room.
one more quick thought/paragraph about the girl: shes artsy (a painter) and i fucking love that. already i know that we connect on some deeper level- or at least have magnificent potential to.
im sure ill be back in here jotting down things that i wont tell anyone very soon ☻ until then.
3/19/17
i just need somebody to looooove. fuck.
...
what the fuck am i doing here.
why does nobody feel as much as me.
if everyone felt what i felt the world would be fine.
god damn.
...
♡
where are the chicks that get me man?
...
life is great but fuck. i dont know sometimes.
♡ :')
see ya in the next journal.
2/27/17
inspired to write because of the 180 my mood did within these past couple hours ☻
lately ive been feeling more stressed out than i think i have ever before. i truly dont think ive ever been "stressed" for a real duration of time before now, but its just because of all my homework, exhaustion from doing this elementary school thing twice a week, work, even just thinking about my future and what i really wanna do.
anyway, i felt overwhelmed with homework, i was alone, and none of the other officers went to hook club tonight.
feeling down in the dumps and not ready to lead a meeting, i began my walk over to peik. in the few short minutes it takes me to reach my destination, i ran into aaron from art class last semester- i havent seen him since that class ended so it was immediately a nice surprise ☻ we talked for a few minutes and got on our ways. i was so overcome with joy to talk to such a fantastic dude that i actually got teary-eyed as weird as that seems.
hook club was also just great. i love the people that show up and they always remind me how happy i am that i started this group. it was a nice, small, cozy group tonight and seriously one of my favorite meetings i think ever.
i dedicate this journal entry to aaron and the 20 or so other hook club members that showed up tonight. even though youll never see this, thank you for reminding me how beautiful and awesome life is just by being yourselves ♡
2/20/17
god DAMN this is crazy- in the past week and a half or so, there have been three separate occasions where im sitting at my desk and ill be reading something (a book, something i wrote, and a wikipedia article) and ill come across a fairly uncommon word (i think theyve all been proper nouns, like gucci for example) and the song says it as im reading. its fucking uncanny. it is so shocking that i have to take a break, sit back, and just acknowledge it. someone somewhere is trying to tell me something.
also, i was gonna write about this last night but i didnt, the past two shifts at jimmy johns have ended with me smoking a blunt and drinking a beer with my manager, carl, whos like a 55 year old black dude and its been so great. ive always loved him and hes always seemed to love me, but these past two shifts have really made me appreciate him so much more. i hope i am doing just as much for him as he is for me. i have a good feeling i am.
we had some great talks about his life (for example, crashing/flipping a semi and then escaping with the ounce of weed he had on him and going by casper the ghost in his crack selling days) but really the best part of the night was giving him a bro jug as i was leaving and then when i was in the door he says "riley!" and when i turn around all he says is "good job". truly one of the most interesting and good people ill probably ever meet, nothing but love for him. im a lucky dude to share some of my life experiences with him.
2/17/17
ive been disappointed a lot lately. but ive been really proud of myself for not letting it get to me/resonate with me that much.
from drew breaking my coffee maker to getting our molly taken at the door of the run the jewels concert, ive held my head pretty high ☻
im so happy with myself and my life and my mindset of knowing that everything happens for a reason and that itll all work itself out eventually.
in other news, im loving the visitor by kadhja bonet almost more so than any other album ive ever heard on the first listen/days listening. im happy that im writing more again and focusing on my core qualities and values- i think that just naturally happens when youre single too since you dont have anyone to tell everything to lol.
good thing i love myself more than anyone else in the whole world ;)
ive been a little irritated from doing everything cleaning related in our apartment for essentially the entire year and my hatred for trump just continues to grow (he has to be impeached right?) but other than that im just a happy dude with a sweet life ☻
2/11/17 (4:10 AM)
i saw the most beautiful girl tonight. well, saw again. she and her friend have been coming in to jimmy johns these past couple fridays and ive been lucky enough to see her.
i truly have never been so breathtaken by another human...looking into her eyes as i took her sandwich order my heart just kept beating faster and faster. fuck i cant even remember what she ordered.
i hope im not just stupid as fuck either but i swear there was pure passion behind those eyes- i felt her fire, ESPECIALLY when i finished up and she mouthed the words thank you with wide eye, direct eye contact with her head tilted slightly down. i swear to god she and her friend kept looking at me too lol i also hope i wasnt just imagining that.
life is funny. i see a girl for maybe a combined few minutes and i already just cannot get her off my mind. it took about 45 minutes for my heart to recover too.
i hope she comes in again next week. maybe ill talk to her.
1/31/17
i talked to lucas and drew about potentially not being a teacher after college tonight. it was really nice to just say that.
i had the idea of being like a national park service teacher or something. my main goal in life is to give kids the values of love and appreciation for each other and the world around them. maybe teaching isnt that job if actually talking about academics is an afterthought.
then again though maybe teaching is the perfect job. im not worried about it. i know whatever decision i make, whenever i make it, will be the right one ☻
it just felt good to actually get that off my chest. its such an amazing feeling you can make every decision in your life.
one last thought: DMT. this shit is really somethin else. i fr spent like 5 hours yesterday before work just researching it. i think ill try it sometime in my life- at least something is telling me that. it seems like it really really really just relates exactly to some of my/mankinds biggest thoughts and wonders and values. who knows. just another thought ☻
also! we officially signed a lease at a house for next year. 8 rooms. gonna call it the moon tower. cant wait ♡
util next time!
1/20/17
a LOT has happened in my life since the last time i wrote in here: m*** and i broke up, trump is officially our president, and im officially in my first semester of being in the elementary education program. i dont feel the need to write about those things right now though and thats totally okay ☻
i feel like im figuring myself out more so than i ever have before and its just the greatest feeling. and when i say figure out, i just mean finding out what matters to me the most in life and appreciating those things to the best of my ability. i cant wait to see how this matures in the years to come as well ☻
i really really REALLY wanted to write down my top values or qualities i have right now too and see how that will compare in the future so im gonna do that starting on the next page!
•empathy
•appreciation
•observation
•understanding
•coexisting/unity
•emotionally in touch
(i use this term instead of "emotional" just because thats usually thought of as rapidly changing from emotion to emotion and almost negative)
i also dont feel the need to elaborate on those right now so im not gonna hehe. im just happy i got them down ☻
life is beautiful. im so fortunate and grateful for the opportunities and experiences that ive had in my life- especially just these past few weeks.
im off to go take a nice walk to pick my bike up from the shop and bask in my emotions!
♡
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