Embedded Files
8/27/20
imagine having a cap for how much you care about other people
the tolerance may vary, but if youve picked up your stick and drawn a line in the sand *anywhere*
i dont respect you. you are the enemy
"oh, well thats just too much, now i cant support you"
you type from your suede couch inside your white suburban house that looks just like your neighbors
"i wont ever support my city being burned to the ground"
you say from 20 miles away because youre so scared of Black people thats the closest you can be
"yeah but what about all of the minority owned, small businesses that were looted?"
you ask after denouncing black lives matter and replacing the color to prioritize a job over a human being
8/6/20
i remember the summers where i would play the simpsons game for an entire day. i would eat pizza rolls and doritos and drink mountain dew- i think that they had baja blast in stores by then. my brother and i were home alone so there was no one to stop us from doing what we wanted, consuming what we wanted. we have our mom to thank for our metabolism. i would spend all day inside and i wouldnt talk to any of my friends. i was still an introvert. i was quiet and shy. i would think to myself a lot and work things out that way instead of talking them over with other people which is what i do now. i wouldnt say i spent more time observing than i do now, but observation took up a bigger percentage of how i spent my time. everyday was constant. every single day felt like 80 degrees with the simpsons clouds in the sky. i was content, completely unbothered, and i didnt want anything to change. i dont think i ever thought that explicitly, but it was true. i think that these days helped develop the unspoken understanding my brother and i share with our thoughts and emotions and why i cherish him so deeply. i remember the smell of the recycling plant just a half a mile away. when i visit my dads house now i smell it from time to time and im comforted in the same way, like my memories are hugging me from the present they still exist in. in one month, my dad needs to be out of his house so the buyer can move in. my life as a boy was so one dimensional. and i loved it and i never could have known how much i would miss it. this summer, i find myself wading through the second year of anxiousness (albeit much better) and the unknownth year of thinking about beautiful connection and sex with each stranger that passes my window. im very glad that i have been able to feel human connection and so many of their bodies in the most intimate ways, physical and not- im very glad that i grew into an extrovert who bases 96% of his decisions on feeling instead of thinking. as a boy i was cute, and now i am pretty. some days are really hard and scary to live through, but thinking of myself as a boy, the boy i weep for, is comforting. maybe its him who is hugging me, not just my memories. that comforts me too. he probably wouldnt have thought that hed turn out to be the man that i am now, but i know he would have started trying to emulate me the moment he knew. summers are different now. theres a lot more going on. but thats how its going to be, thats how i want it to be, in order to be the person i want thats how it has to be. summers past are locked away, untouchable, as this summer will be to my future self down the road. i cant wait to see how much doper i get.
in my neighborhood
in the neighborhood of good all realize
good embodies such a vast range of actions and mindsets
it is unbelievably simple to care. to want to help. to try, even if you may feel unmotivated
it is unbelievably clear. to the point where bad stands out like a sore thumb. and you know who is bad from a simple catchphrase of buzzwords, regurgitated from hate-mongering fathers they helplessly feed from. fragile, scared, weak, they hate those who aren't in their nest, they've ingested so much hate they've become immobile so they might as well dig their feet as deep as they possibly can. soon they must realize the twigs from their nest are falling, their feet meet the drop, their spineless fathers have left them to fall, not mature enough yet to fly...down they go
black is recognized, celebrated
donating is common, wealth is so circular it seems as tho the entire community is bursting with funds
if it burns...if it is unjust...so be it
do not waste time talking to closed minds
7/27/20
everyday is so uncertain it leaves me frozen
i probably look numb, but i think a better word would be paralyzed
im more comfortable with my lifestyle than i used to be. i think i just put too much pressure on myself in the past. i think this allows me to think about these frozen moments with more progress than i once was
but im still scared- of so many things!
i feel fragile and delicate. i think these things just suit me and my best friend, my mind, at the moment
simply living a life of trying to be a good person is exhausting. but necessary. the best people i know are the ones who struggle. if you dont struggle, youre probably a fuckin moron
i appreciate every human i see, simply for being alive, for waking up this morning and leaving your bed to go sit on a bench in the park and experiencing the wind and the sun and the sounds of the cars and the birds all at once and one at a time
5/26/20
Minneapolis police are now responsible for the death of another black man. This is happening
*again* right where we live. George Floyd will be added on to the long list of names this country remembers for being killed by cops for no other reason than that they were black. Racism not only still exists in this country, it is still completely normalized. *This does not happen to white people*. No matter what excuse you make ("oh, he shouldn't have been doing ___"), you cannot even come close to reasonably concluding that a just and logical outcome of this situation would be for George Floyd to be suffocated to death beneath the knee of a white police officer after pleading for air. *This has been true for any of the names we remember*. These excuses to try and look at things "objectively" is an insult to people of color in a country where white supremacy is still the norm. Again, *this does not happen to white people*. Ahmaud Arbery was hunted and murdered in Georgia, George Floyd was pinned and suffocated in Minnesota. This is everywhere.
To my white friends and family, if your immediate reaction is to not agree with these words, I desperately wish for you to reflect on this, right now. It may be a matter of agreement for you, but for others this is reality. *This will not happen to you*, you don't have to fear for a situation like this, but others do. It is *privilege* that we do not have to think about how the color of our skin will affect situations beyond our control, situations that can determine your life or your death. Attitudes and actions need to completely change for actual progress to ever be made. You may still have respect for police because "not all cops are bad", which is true, but if you looked differently you will never know which cops are good and which cops are murderers. *This does not happen to white people*.
5/24-25-26/20
The tone of this is softer than my previous post because I wrote this over the last couple weeks and not today, the day that George Floyd was killed by Minneapolis police. I still think it's important to share because discussions about many different aspects of our society *need to be had* for progress to be made. This is a more general post.
---
Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is the general idea that we must continuously keep the expectation on ourselves that we can always become a better person. Better for ourselves and better for each other, we can always improve, this is always going to be true. If we don't challenge ourselves when we are challenged by others, progress halts and an injustice is done to everyone. This is true for everything I can think of, but most recently I see this relating to race, far and away, more than anything else.
If you're white, it's imperative that you realize your actions can unintentionally be racist or racially insensitive. I know it's a really common thing for people to debate if things are "actually racist" or not but bro...if you have to debate it, it's problematic regardless. Either word encapsulates a wide range of severity and I'm just using both for the sake of simplicity.
"Not everything has to do with race" may be true for you, but that is a privilege in itself because it might (and does) for others. People are not "too sensitive" when you say something that is deemed insensitive or offensive, if the recipient of your message, either directly or indirectly, is hurt by what you said, then that's the reality. Intent does not equal impact.
On the other hand, just because you share a hashtag or identify as liberal, you are not magically exempt from racist behavior. Every American who has ever lived has grown up and been conditioned in a country with white supremacist ideals. Racist thoughts, so many of them being unconscious and not even thought of as racist by the thinker, are ingrained in us from the beginning. These thoughts can sit in your head or turn into actions, some small, some big. Nobody is off the hook here. However, this itself is not the problem, you become problematic when you choose to ignore this. If you don't reflect, recognize, rationalize, and combat these thoughts and actions, you are also halting progress and contributing to the problem. I think it's important to remember that, as different as they were, Malcolm X called white liberals the most dangerous thing in the Western Hemisphere while Martin Luther King Jr said the greatest stumbling block towards freedom is not the KKK, but the white moderate, who prefers order to justice.
Racism is not something you are supposed to relate to. It's necessary to acknowledge you can not experience the racism people of color experience in a country dominated by white people in every facet. Many people seem to think that white people, even more specifically white men, have it really hard right now. But in what way? The jokes and comments you see online? Some of them might be "hateful", but they're just words. Our everyday lives as white men are not affected *at all*. We do not face hardships simply because of how we just so happened to be born. In the same vein, those who claim people are too sensitive nowadays seem to be the ones to think this which is, at least to me, ironic. I don't mean this is a jab, I just think that it's important to recognize the double standard.
The point of this post is that if you are white, I'm saying this to you as another white person. I've behaved racially problematic in the past and, unfortunately, it took other white people telling me things of this nature in order for my actions to change. Did I ever consider myself to be a literal racist? Of course I didn't. But I did think it was "too much" when Black Lives Matter blocked the highway and that it was okay to say the n word in songs because I was "just singing along". It wasn't until college began that I really started to realize that my mindset, my views, and my morals did not align with some of my actions and my thoughts...and that really wasn't that long ago. Everyday is another day you can educate yourself and become a better person. It is nobody's responsibility to teach you anything about the social dynamic of America except your own.
Typing this out began with the hunting and murder of Ahmaud Arbery and then picked back up once Lana Del Rey made those posts. These events combined with social media comments and the general state of our world is really fucking depressing. I've tried to type this in a way where I'm not putting words into any person of color's mouth and simultaneously not making it seem like it's my duty to do something like this- the white savior complex is a very real thing and is also very problematic/unconsciously racist. My main intention is to reach white friends and family who I know will listen to me and take these words seriously.
5/5-10/20
disclaimer?
im not trying to call anyone out
this is not about checking a box- it is also not personal for you
The murder of Ahmaud Arbery is one of the grossest things I've ever seen and I'm sure it is for you too- if you think that America has "outgrown" racism, this is a case even the most hateful, closeted white supremacist couldn't refute. But, racist ideals run far deeper than the literal hunting of a black man. They trickle down into everyday thoughts, actions, and the very fabric that makes up our society
•The ideals of white supremacy did not leave with the civil war or civil rights movement
•"Not everything has to do with race" is only accurate if you're talking about white people
•Nobody is exempt from racist thoughts, conscious or unconscious. Growing up and being conditioned in America, a country who has only ever existed with white people at the top of the system, it's engrained in us from the beginning. But, this isn't the problem, you become problematic when you choose not to acknowledge this, catch yourself, rationalize, and act last
•You aren't supposed to relate to racism
•You don't choose what is or isn't offensive, the recipient of your actions is either offended or they aren't. Intent doesn't equal impact
I'm not pretending I'm perfect, in fact I know and have seen many of my peers over the years who have been far far ahead of me on this topic- I was one of the people that thought Black Lives Matter blocking the highway was "too much". I used to sing the n word in songs up until a few years ago because I thought it was "just a word". Have I ever considered myself a racist? Of course not. Were my thoughts and actions ignorant, problematic, and racist in their nature? Absolutely they were
The world is full of so so so many good people, but progress only continues if we keep the expectation of improving on ourselves at all times and understand boundaries, different lived experiences, the difference between equality and equity, and the ultimate goal of humanity as a whole moving forward together
American white supremacy has existed for hundreds of years. For centuries, black Americans have had to be much more than just "twice as good" than to be taken seriously
reparations, equality vs equity
prison system, white people fleeing to the suburbs
Black culture is pop culture!
Pro black is not anti white
MLK MALCOLM X ANTI WHITE LIBERAL
We have been conditioned into a white supremacist world with the history we learn, representation, and overall treatment of people of color since the day we were born- the difference is that we don’t need to acknowledge it because it does nothing but benefit us!
elderflower, children, innocence, understanding, monumental emotion
its in your hands now
do whatever you please
its no longer mine
at some point i lent it to you and then at another point i realized i could never take it back
you may not even know that you have it
thats okay
ill morph and ill gain again, but i will never get back what i gave to you
thats okay too
ill watch you destroy it through my tear filled smile
knowing that you dont know what youre doing
tho there was no other way it could have gone
and while both of our hands still posses my gift
ill use this time to be comforted
not thru your attempt to console
but simply thru your presence
because thats what you give to me
although you eventually take things back, for yourself, thats who you are right now, its all okay
were just different in that sense
i knew this
there was no other way it could have gone
im sorry to confuse you, these are happy tears i promise
im sorry i couldnt wrap it
i didnt have time
i didnt know when it would happen.
its in your hands now, do whatever you please, its no longer mine
its okay if you dont understand, you dont need to
this is more for me anyway
sunrise
everything feels different in the sunrise, as if i havent fully woken up yet
the growing darkness of the shadows shows that the wheel really did keep on turning
and i know the sky isnt putting on a show just for me, even though it kinda feels like it, but nows not the time to be selfish
its a remarkable thing, to watch it all become illuminated
slowly
yet still at an incredibly steady pace
i am alive in this moment, i am conscious of it
i know that every second spent being aware of that fact means that the sun grows taller which, in turn, means that this pretty moment is eternally fleeting...but that is how it exists in the first place
i dont need to be okay with it, but i am and im happy that i am so i keep my hands in my pockets instead of reaching out to push the sun back below the horizon
i experienced all of this on foot, on the bridge, standing still, in the park
the sunrise this morning gave me enough time to soak in what it has to offer
and it will show up again tomorrow
i feel free now
because of bens my friend
its bedtime, but ive been trying to make as much time as i can for you
you are small and warm and tired, i could never interrupt your purring
i hope you feel how much i love you
and that you understand, even the smallest amount, when i tell you
i hope that you feel safe. your purring tells me that you do
4/20/20
the hard part is starting
our romance ended before i could see your summer freckles
i still havent heard from you, but the dust has already settled
dozing off at the window
dreaming about my kinfolk
getting blacked out
while im staying in
im glad we got a cat before the quarantine began
4/9/20 (lil throwback to 11 days before)
It’d be sick to get my mental and physical on the same page. That’s what I’ll work on.
Some days I feel like every move I make is the wrong one. I can usually tell when it’ll be one of those days because luck isn’t on your side when you put your shirt on backwards. I think about things I want to do but don’t do them.
Today so pretty even spit flying looks good
I went to bed with the feeling I imagine cats have when you scratch their chin juuuuust riiiiiight
And I’m itchin to know bro, I juuuuuust gotta biiiite
4/2/20
ive spent so much time telling people that ive never had my heart broken
only to now realize maybe i was just selling my emotions short
i dont think i could laugh at anything right now
i think about the man yesterday who tried to cross the street on his bike while my light was green
he just didnt see me
i raised my hand up in irritation and when he abruptly and embarrassingly stopped
i felt bad
for this sweet dad just trying to get a workout in during our global quarantine. im sorry
i cant be mad at anyone. and i only really worry about my role in certain scenarios. even as small as street crossing
my territorial childlike self...
i wonder if i look at things the way i do because of him
my family was raised on the unspoken understanding of everything
but not everybodys on the same page. in fact, its probably only us. and thats probably for the best
sometimes i just wish i didnt get the short end of the stick for everything
maybe ive never admitted heartbreak because im already looking forward to how ill view you once i dont think about you all the time
instead of sitting in my feelings
and shaping any sort of closure. or maybe its just because i dont know when to stop hoping for things
i wish i could say this to your face
im excited for when i can
even if it means its the last time i will see you for a while.
my door is always open
for you in particular
3/31/20 ~1 PM
my intentions for this quarantine mushroom trip with A**:
#1: set my mindset up for success like i know that i can ☻ im feeling great and ready
#2: focus on myself (i.e. no need for outside forces to change my mood
#3: focus on myself (i.e. focus in a healthy, progressive way and not the infamous "how am i doing?" kind of focus)
#4: connect. think. enjoy this beautiful day. be completely present
3/30/20
america is in the midst of the virus
actually, were probably still in the beginning
no for sure actually
the stay at home order is in place,
yet ive never seen more people out and about, ever
it was almost 60 degrees today, a** and i took a bike ride, and i was delivering for nicos so i had a good scope
ive never seen more people out and about. ever
its heartwarming but also concerning
oh well
at least it was a beautiful day
ive had this flutter in my chest for weeks
a simple thought will render a lowkey heart attack
just a minds glimpse of those lips...the smooth of her skin...your tangled hair
:(
i wish we could succumb to what we both feel
3/28/20
skin as smooth as my words
breathe thru your nostrils babe, seal my mouth with yours
we wrestle tongues
i can nearly lick your pounding heart
release myself into you- how does my gush feel inside of you?
your odor, unknown to you, my personal treat
id be purring right now if i could
3/27/20
i cant wait until that future moment when im scrolling thru my photos (in an attempt to relive old memories (and lift myself out of a dreadful state)) and see you
over and over again
im ecstatic to see what kinds of situations we get ourselves into. changes of outfits, changes of seasons,
changes in this wondrous relationship
i wonder what color our love will make
what shape it will take
maybe well get new tattoos or rock a new hairstyle- maybe one of us will break a bone or get really sick
(there is a virus going around)
im sure we will become different people
i hope to grow as a person, with you
and because of you
id listen to anything you say
and i know its reciprocated
everything is reciprocated...
i love you in this moment, and all moments ive spent with you, ever since we smushed lips
thank you for asking
---
i asked you for a simple back rub
"ill give you one next"
you massaged me for 30 minutes
in the drunken haze of our 8am second bed time
and told me that was all you needed
thank you
the virus is here
and everyone is confined
but ive never seen more people on the bridge
what a beautiful, unifying sight
its bizarre to think how serious this is
a truly global event
the only global event ive yet to experience
thankful for lil uzi dropping twice
and lailah
and my friends who im still willing to see
its also bizarre to know that youre living in true history book times
oh well, we out here
fuck em all to hell
love em all to death
fuck the virus, fuck the landlord and fuck the rent
lets party
3/25/20
quarantine me with my smoke machine and strobe lights
ill host the everlasting party
just me and my infected babes
3/20/20 - amidst the covid 19 panic, more towards the beginning, shit only started happening a few days ago
i want to be 16 so making out can be a big deal again
take me to a movie, we can tongue kiss in the back
we cant see but we both know were on our lego island
building it up, piece by piece
youre the only person i could stare at endlessly
but its dark and we cant see
2/15/20
im convinced ive never felt motivated
ive felt passion, ive felt inspiration, but motivation is foreign to me
im halted by the smallest obstacle
most of the time that obstacle being any action that involves more than standing still
(i need to be pushed over)
im universally loved
im privileged
im a great guy, really, and im happy most of the time
im lowkey okay with being stagnant
but when the word stagnant turns into complacency it makes me feel bad. a little bit ashamed
i think of how my partner looks at me- am i boring? is 2.5 years enough to see all of me?
i am infinite
although only to myself
12/24/19
i never knew how lovely i was until i met you
when was the last time i wrote about you?
its all coming back to me now
thanks to your grandfathers walkman and this slowed down angel olsen
"dont take it for granted
love when you have it"
your importance is engrained in my everyday
we arent dependent but you excel my life to the fullest
and i wouldnt have it any other way
i wont
i never will
oh i wish you could hear whats playing in my ears
minutes replaying memories of the last 2 years
ive been without you for a week
and its been making me weak
but the days ahead are looking bright,
you and i together again, *our* life is in sight
my life partner, my best friend
i want you here until the end
the reason i live my life the way that i do
the same goes for you, i know that its true
i take you for granted everyday
so often i feel unmotivated to do anything
my time without you has been so stagnant
spending most of my day remembering how i act when youre around
how happy and giddy and lovey i feel
exuding my genuine expressions of the love for life
and my love for you
at this point im at my best when im with you
ive known this for some time but sometimes it just takes isolation to remember that
remember how good i have it and remember how good what we have is
let me weep into your breasts again
for how thankful i am to have you
let us dance in the living room again
to our favorite song on my favorite drug
let us be dramatic as we used to be
when we didnt know each other
only knowing how much we wanted each other
and now we do
we have each other forever
"its hard to say forever love"
but thats what weve got
we have the tattoos to prove it
---
i hold on to the tears until my eyelid cant contain them anymore
that is my emotion
i want to scream as loud as i can
and to feel it to the fullest
i always smell good
and im the best hugger in the world
12/21/19-12/22/19
i love the way cum looks leaving a penis
i love the way liquor drizzles into a shot glass
---
i would let anyone fuck me tonight
delay my uber when the prices are low just to see if it happens
then delay it again when it doesnt
friends leave so its on to strangers
no goodbyes
strangers dissipate so its on my way home
after smiles on the streets
i didnt expect any less tho
hindsight is 20/20
and i dont make moves in the present
my only candidate was the drunk man i walked to his car
who was rubbing up my thigh and touching my ass
i fell in love with the woman i was helping
but she had her hands full
and i just wanna be a good citizen
i appreciate it tho bro
you give me hope
i am sexy
my nose is numb
and im gnawing my cheeks like im on mollie
but cigarettes are better with coke
thankful for the liquor in my cabinet to lull me to sleep
i was gonna stay in anyway so i cant complain
another night in my 20s
with so many more to cum
ive got decades left
and the lusty feeling is wearing off
im thinking with the right head now
and remembering where i am
and what i want
i promise the universe i will express it to the degree i want
someday
whether its received or not
---
i would love more coke
but its 4am and i got work in the morning
its time for bed
lusty life
honey please sit on my lap
as casually as you want
i appreciate all butts
im horny for connection
ill only bite if you want me to
adaptable affection
can you feel the power in our held hands?
im a beautiful boy, every part of me
rub me all over, its all in bounds
youre gorgeous, but i want the light off
only now are we free/one
i wont dream of you but youre everything right now
thank you for getting me there
you could be anyone but youre the only one right now
in this moment i love you
hiss your s's at me
make me gush (please)
oh, i could stay inside of you forever, i dont even want to thrust
breathe in my breath
ill do the same
meditation could never
oh my god i love you
and i love me
i wont be the man to take control
in fact im pretty passive
but expectations aside
give into me and give into us
and nothing will beat this ride
im not sexy
im just gorgeous
all i need is an eye blink
those fuck me eyes
please dont coddle me
you love the person ive wronged too
keep the window open, please, let the snow in, i deserve to freeze
but id wrong you too then wouldnt i
we all know im still a good person (right?)
maybe a "usually" good person
a "usually" good person full of shame
im in front of the mount rushmore of emotions again
and im stiff at the sight of it
its a terrible thing to receive a wake up call that reminds you of all the other things youre ashamed of
waking up early is difficult but necessary. youll feel far worse if you miss your flight
breathe deep, feel your tummy rise up and down, theeere you go, youve found your breath! oh wow, it took us so long to do that, what a wonderful feeling
drink your hot water and mull things over
money doesnt equal invincibility and be real bro you dont even have much of that anyway
and remember that coincidence doesnt exist. acknowledge the path in front of you and follow it
sometimes you arent as dope as you think you are
thats life
itd be a bigger shame to not reflect on that
11/25/19
i rubbed some aquaphor on my mental health
and it worked
but still im stuck
in limbo of wanting to do too much, ultimately resulting in nothing
i need to find something im good at
instead of watching youtube videos of people doing things theyre good at
i need a revolution inside of me
most days im okay with just living
and i know that my emotions are partly due to society engraining what i think i should be doing all the time
but god i feel depressed tonight
where is my passion?
its ever fleeting. i cant line my parallaxes up well enough to catch it
my thoughts are golden, my dialogue is above average, my writing is okay
rapid fire, quick, steady pace
less and less and less
i just want a platform high enough for me to stage dive into
---
if my neighbor was bashful enough to get undressed in her lit room against the night sky
then i guess ill be bashful enough to masturbate in my ground floor apartment with the window open
ill be alright
11/11/19 in the morning before work
a dream sequence so powerful that your reality is now blended
i suspect madness is a bit like this...but even though im not smiling i have the warmest feeling
did you do that here? or there?
oh well, what does it really matter anyway?
ive been here before. but where are the showers? its a beautiful building regardless
what am i looking at? what is in these jars? it doesnt seem like nicos. why arent we open yet? i feel like ive been prepping for this made up annual thing for years. im happy that my friends are all here
rocket launchers and children are not the best combo
part of me knows im asleep because i rolled over in bed and hit my earring and i feel the pain but im not in my bed
claire is here. and theyre talking to a*****. how sweet. were all naked and laying on each other and when other people come into this room it doesnt matter
im standing in this crowd with clairo. everyone knows who she is because they make a circle for her to dance in, but when shes finished she comes back to me and smiles and we stand there together again. that was the beginning- and now at the end im front and center to a charli xcx show, shes right in front of the hennepin bridge and there are literally hundreds of thousands of people all over the city watching her. im close. i should take a video
...im already losing it
the details. like the comments about my fingernails. not the feelings
ill keep my glasses off forever if that means that i can stay here
i wouldnt say im happy and i wouldnt say im sad
i would say that im thinking about the things that are meaningful to me. thats exactly it. and there is no dread
i hope that when i die and my brain releases a nuclear bomb of dmt to my soon to be lifeless body that im gently blown back to the dreams that i could have for an eternity
curious, apprehensive, looking for fun
and just forever
claireSOS
it was just too perfect
your last night here, my date no call no showed, our time was meant to happen i guess
and maybe it was the molly, or your english accent, but last night i fell in love
your blacked out fit and your confidence are unmatched
i havent stopped thinking about you all day
youre probably above the atlantic as i type
back to where you were when we didnt know each other
but the thing is now we do
and i miss you. maybe ill only miss you for a short time but maybe its going to last
maybe ill come visit london
i want to forever remember how you say "riley"
youre a very good starer
thank you for saying my american accent isnt as dumb as others
i wish i could remember cuddling you
but ill hold on to how you lead kisses with your tongue- a bold move, but really fucking sexy
youre so god damn comfortable. how did we kick it off so well immediately?
probably because youre progressive and vegan
and so cute
its weird how you can know the end date of something but not the impact itll have on you
one night turned into a lifetime of longing
but its beautiful
the feelings it allows you to have, the experiences it allows you to make, the memories all muddied together into one sweet ball of emotion
cheers x
---
im not happy and im not sad
but ive got heavy emotions real bad
its only been a day and a half
and 4000 miles in between us
were really just acquainted strangers who were looking for some fun on the same night
but my heart kinda aches for you
i wanna see you dance again
yet im stuck spending my social media time limits scrolling thru your facebook photos
its a weird feeling, this lull
i want so very badly to reach out, but the holding off is a safety net
nothing can get worse- the wave isnt crashing, its simply evaporating
meet me halfway, somewhere in the atlantic
where we can hold each other and love on each other with nothing else around
we will turn the ocean pink and buoyant
oh we did a good thing
watching porn as soon as my partner leaves for a concert
trying to clean my nose but my finger misses the kleenex so i pick it but bro idc because i have a booger
drunk again on a wednesday night but im happy
bro dont inhibit my desire to live like a piece of shit
went out for drinks today at 1pm, came home, took a nap, woke up and it was dark
play some destiny for 10 hours and wake up to open the bar where i get obliterated
theres my drug money for the week
bro dont inhibit my desire to live like a piece of shit
everyday alive is another win
literally waking up (before i open the bar) is a success so dont ask me what i want to do with my life
bro just dont inhibit my desire to live like a piece of shit
yall talkin loud plus yall sayin nothin
my to do list for the day lasts me a week
uninspired to do damn near anything except explore new bars and play video games i guess
its only about to get colder outside too
im only about to get deeper into this state
i dont want kids
i dont want marriage
i just wanna live like a piece of shit...bro dont inhibit that
my stream of consciousness is the new bible
and i dont just mean what yall hear, i mean the shit that only those closest to me hear
they think theyre my friends but theyre really the new desciples. they just dont know it
bro dont inhibit my desire to live like a piece of shit
im done being pressured by the expectations i didnt even ask for
im living my life without a care
because everyday awake is another day alive with another day to breathe...another success, another victory
im passionate about being heard but i know when to open my mouth
and that isnt often
my disciples dont know how blessed they are
bro dont inhibit my desire to live like a piece of shit
i cant even spell inhibit without autocorrect helping me
maybe im just too fucked up
i want more tattoos
i want more booze
i want more snooze
bro dont inhibit my desire to live like a piece of shit
you buffoon
game 7 is on the tv
my dirty laundry is on my bed
i dont know whats on the horizon
got a whole lot of nothin on my head
im content with where im at
and this beat is making me wanna masturbate to it
third time today
bro dont inhibit my desire to live like a piece of shit
10/23/19, after taking a walk with a*** by the river
life doesnt have to be organized. in fact, its more fun when it isnt. it allows myself to focus more on the outward than the inward- i love my inward because my inward is my existence, but it can also be too much for me. i know that this is just base reality, i know there is more, but sometimes i need to be tethered to it instead of drifting away because at the end of the day this is the reality that i know and my sanity is also in this reality.
and i dont have to do things fully or not at all. some things its better to do fully (veganism) and some things its better to do not at all (psychedelics [for the time being]) but god damn, i dont need to subscribe myself to things fully. i am a fluid being and i can adapt. my world will not be flipped if dont take a shower before going outside or drinking caffeine on an empty stomach (although that wasnt pure enjoyment, it was still fine). lately ive been thinking this is the key to my true happiness. god damn, i really havent been hit yet.
these first two paragraphs go together hand in hand, their footsteps even mirror each other like two lovers taking a stroll through the autumn wood. redemption is the muddy red leaves on the ground, motivation is the falling orange leaves i use as stepping stones to propel me to the goldenrod bushes on trees that still are holding on. this is my content.
i am not the kind of person to leave without hugging a friend goodbye. i am the kind of person to make my beliefs known and heard when they are important. infiltrate the enemy but also persuade your friends and allow yourself to be persuaded by them still with an independent mind. can you manipulate without intent?
i want to make your most used emoji the red heart. or a different color, maybe even a different love emoji, you do you boo. i am okay when i dont cum because we allowed each other to be intimate, thats the finish line bro if you think cumming marks a succexful time than it might be time for a vibe check. be a giver you dummy! and always offer to try and make your sleeping partner cum. reciprocity in bed signifies reciprocity in real life. hugging and kissing, hand holding and hand brushing, touching feet or sucking toes, eating dinner together or fill in the blank, as soon as actions cross that pretty and colorful line into the world of intimacy, where eyes begin to focus on passion and desire, an eventual goal if both parties are willing, thats where i want to reside. perhaps this is peak outward against inward.
i am thankful for my life. my recent thoughts on how life is only the present and how i am in love with myself beyond belief and doubt. thankful for sweet a** and the walks we take outside, the talks we have on both sides, how her chalk paints pretty eyes. im thankful for our intimacy and the intimacy we give other people. we are two of the most mature people i have ever met. and we always try to make the other person cum. im happy for my friends, both new and old that push the mold, that do not tire when someone sparks the fire, that clap back when theyve had that- i bet they all try their best to make their sleeping partners cum too. you see a pattern here?
moving forward i would love to remember i dont have to be one thing. being one thing isnt possible in this reality anyway, were far too complex and dope for that simpleton idea. i love being comfortable not feeling forced to use the camera i spent $500 on in every situation, why do that when my phone will do? id love to make a vibe check type beat to this entry and put this on soundcloud which has been a cool little diary, i really like that idea. i want to be more focused! there it is! the sentence i stated three hours ago under the sopping canopy of the river road woods. it took me all this beautiful stream of consciousness to get here. to be more focused. thats what i want moving forward. ill drink to that!
today
living in the present today
remembering that im the shit today
xvideos home page has some pretty great shit today
woke up a lil achey and breaky today
but im listening to yandhi and watching nardwuar today
got a call from my homie today
to tell me his homie passed last night
the homie that used our home as his home when he needed to
he got on my nerves damn near every time he visited
his loud voice asking me for weed
his loud strums waking me up
but i knew him somewhat well
and loved him
that guitar was one of the only staples i remember him having
it wasnt his, but he played it every time he came over
and got a little better with each session
the last moment that i saw him he came outside to smoke with me
and practiced in front of me and my buddy
unapologetically himself
always a little on edge
but who wouldnt be trying to quit heroin?
i hope you died peacefully
i hope youre at peace
rest in peace, zeadd
god dammit!
stuck in my home because im not confident to try
i wallow until the sun goes down and then the only reason i get up is to get drunk
and today is one of the last days of beauty
im sure of it
grab some more kleenex, its time to masturbate
too scared to message anyone
because if they answer then i just have another obligation
i cant cry
i cant smile
im just here
im the textbook definition of existing
i tweet shit to encourage myself but it doesnt work
only when the liquor hits to a feel motivated
and then my thoughts are cloudy and nobodys as happy when its overcast
its too easy to ignore the time limit on my apps
i wish it was winter already so it would be okay to stay inside all day
snow is just as pretty as autumn leaves
at least it is today
and at least ive got tinder
the prime fantasy catalyst
---
i wish to god i could spend the rest of my life revisiting my favorite past memories
and the emotions they gave me
certain songs are the gateway
and whenever i wanna go out again
and whenever new music comes out again
i can go and make new memories for me to reflect on
maybe im not a creator
and simply an absorber. an appreciator
each day that goes by im more and more okay with that
in hindsight
only admitting this to my closest people
or just those who will listen
god knows im an open book
a secret little treasure to anyone that is willing to experience me
thru all the peaks and valleys
and all the dirty alleys
at the end of the day im my number one fan
irritated with my lifestyle during the afternoon but as soon as that sun goes down i know myself
and god damn do i love myself
"move at me you move with caution
512 she ball from austin
watching family guy no way to pause it
heard the voicemail and she damn near lost it
hear the silence hear the water from the faucet
123 we lastin longer than a auction
thought i sold her but it aint no way she bought it
time to fill up the wood with narcotics
im up in the trees if you need me
yeah back up in the game go for a 3peat
back up off the game man we need 3 feet
while i mix up the magic houdini!"
10/12/19
beach house rebirthed me in the shower
the rain falls a little bit slower today
as do my footsteps on my walk to the gas station
alone at home again
and happy to be so
looking forward to the future love affairs ill have
whenever they may come
with whoever wants to cum
although i have a few in mind
today is a day of vulnerability
as i cozy up by the radiator that works a little too well
and watch the passerbys that paint the picture outside my window
my time limits are up on my apps
so i gotta find something better to do
but doing nothing is okay too
its hard to describe this feeling i have today
if it were an expression it would be a soft smile
a downward gaze with warm hands stuffed in jacket pockets
quiet
but attentive. and always genuine and interested
ive finally had the urge to cherish the days i feel the best
the same way that i wallow the days i feel the worst
no more letting lifes current drag me down its river until the eventual waterfall
equal amounts of energy
balance the scale instead of letting my despair tip me passed my point
now i stay dry- just until it rains
ill be dry again soon
i wonder how i havent thought about this before
tho it doesnt matter
i had the thought today
---
a few days after ^^^
there is no time like the present because there is no time but the present
all the things you worry about will be dealt with at the time they take place
being anxious over that shit is utterly wasted energy
the past should be treated the same
its just expired presence
any regrets you may feel are meaningless because they already happened in the past's present
if they bother you, just deal with them in the present, silly
those are just words tho
sometimes putting them to action is impossible
i talk all this shit but i leave it at that
"do as i say not as i do"
just like a shithead parent
or a kid who thinks hes more profound than he is
but today im alright...i dont feel like a fake
or im at least alright with the fact that i might be and leaving it at that
who gives a fuck
i feel a little bad that i came quick last night but it happened and i felt nice
sorry booty call
i feel even more bad that im too scared to protest trump downtown tonight
but im genuinely scared there will be a shooting
and im much more content watching a movie a few blocks away
or putting words to the worms thatve been dug into my thoughts for a minute
"It's being here now that's important. There's no past and there's no future. Time is a very misleading thing. All there is ever, is the now. We can gain experience from the past, but we can't relive it; and we can hope for the future, but we don't know if there is one."
10/4/19
the prettiest things are hidden in the mist
thats the reason i got puke on my wrist
thats the reason andre's got the stank and thugs got the slime
the leaders with the new minds stay at the front of the line
theres pretty in ugly
theres
normalize things
masturbation
eradicate stigmas
---
life doesnt have to be this way
you make your own decisions at the end of the day
emotions are fuckin hard to control
but lately youve been on a roll
realizing that life doesnt have to be this way
is often enough to make the bad go away
existential anything is overwhelming
but leave that at the stratosphere
your thoughts might wander where they shouldnt
but let them be, for you are here
sometimes its necessary to think bigger picture
like why on earth were here on earth
but bro its cool to give in to everyday life
focus on today, not when youll cozy up in a hearse
i am master of my own
i sit upon my throne
i flip my switches
peace out bitches
you are okay as long as youre breathing
as long as i have my breath
i am okay
life is ruled by emotions and reactions
but life is determined by breath
no matter how shit i feel in the morning
or how dreadful my outlook is for a blip
i am alive and i am well
fortunate enough for my beautiful body
a valiant vessel
i can masturbate 3 times a day
and take molly 3 times a month
and have 3 drinks of poison in one sitting
and i havent been hit once
jesus christ, i really havent been hit once
life is breath
breath is connection to all
all is us
and only me
the center of the universe
as far as im concerned
the raindrops are cold on my skin
yet my heart radiates from within
10/1/19
looking forward to a restless night in bed
to escape from the chemicals in my head
when my eyes are closed i reside in paradise
despite my bed bugs and head lice
pristine thoughts match my pristine surroundings
and the events are equaled by what those sounds bring
always content, complacent, and willing
no motives and my emotions are truly filling
the sound of the alarm assaults me
ripped from my dreams for the third time
i guess its time to get up
and forget the details of my what i just experienced entirely
i couldnt tell you what just happened
but i can still feel what they gave me
fuck, ill feel those for an eternity
throw the sheets from my body
to embark on a new day full of uncertainty
and probable dread
unable to escape from the chemicals in my head
until i lay back down for a restless night in bed
---
my sleeping partner has become a given
i dont know what id do without her
sleeping partner is significant, but just a sliver of what she gives me
she is my content, my constant, my confidante
i owe my mental health partly to her
triggering reality, she grounds me
when i am a simple, scared little boy with a mustache she allows me to nuzzle and weep
she shaves my head and then kisses the fuzz
and loves me all the same
as long as i have known her she has never wavered
i take her for granted every single day
even when i acknowledge that. i cant even give her the proper recognition when i acknowledge that
its impossible
she scratches me and smooches me and smiles at me
all innately
at least thats what it feels like
placebo pills still do the trick
a love supreme
a hug serene
a kiss in bliss
a fuck with luck
our bed
our heads
sweet a**
a love to last
night of 9/28
mmmmmm
catch a glance of a kind looking girl
rush on home to give myself a whirl
step outside to have a smoke
then go again, my sperm bank's broke
natural ecstasy and happiness' core
sex can be too much of a chore
the tints on my shades are a hot pink
morning of 9/29
ash dashes across my bedsheets
a gust of wind has wiped the memories of last night away
morning is here
or rather, i have entered the morning
tho my emotions still align with where i was
a little alone and utterly helpless
and being content, yet frightened about that
the man was around the corner. but i could still see the crowd scatter
and perfectly envision the bullet going through my meat
once people, now animals
i made it out because i woke up
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