Embedded Files
7/23/18
You draw me in with your body
I'll die to stay for the emotion
Menage with women that I see through the mirage on my horizon
Unattainable
Ride the inner course of our body's tracks
Pupils peepin thru the Clubmaster's
Wonderin what you use that bubbly ass for
But then lust takes the backseat
And you remember love's the real treat
7/22/18
Thoughts race from one to the next
Only thing on my mental is progress
Maybe that's why I can't be content with anything
I'm always looking for something fresh
I can't put in the effort
'Cause my mind's years ahead of it
The dichotomy rips my happiness
And leaves me...lesser
I truly feel as if I'm an impeccable being
Everyone else is doing it wrong- I hope that's not mean
I could be the hero
But my villain is intangible, deep within me
I'll probably never break out
Prisoner to my own fuckin doubt
And sadness as real as my perfection
No ears pick up my silent shouts
What could I do if I can't finish a poem?
How will I give what I've got a proper home?
The world deserves my input- the help and the heal
But god knows that shit'll just get dusty and old
In the meantime I'll just rot in my room
Hope I win the lottery and get high as the moon
Keep my golden secrets all to myself
And probably end up dying far too soon
7/18/18
It's interesting...I only seem to want to write when I can't. I suppose it's because when I'm at work or out doing errands thinking is all I can really do. Naturally I begin to think of all the things that are constantly flooding my mind, but with no way to jot them down due to my tasks at hand. Then, at home, I reside to my computer or drugs to be cheaply entertained until the next day when it happens all over again. It's an interesting, unhealthy, draining, and pretty sad routine. That's why today I'm kinda just forcing myself to do this. It's also interesting that the only book I've ever stopped reading while in the middle of it, The Sound and the Fury, has Faulkner writing in his "stream of consciousness" style and now that's essentially what I'm doing.
Today I made a note to write about the fact that my thoughts are essentially just a jumble of things that I "need to do". Floating around like asteroids in space, whenever one comes into my gravitational pull it's just detrimental. I spend most of my days worrying about shit that I don't even need to be worrying about. I relate this to the fact that I want to do so many things, but my motivation is at an all time low- I want all of these final products but I don't want to do the work to get there. The only thing I want is for those asteroids to stop pummeling me into oblivion. It's a fucked up attitude and I'm sick of it. That's also why I'm forcing myself to do this. It doesn't matter how much I write because I'm actually, finally writing some shit down!
We want the product,
but we don't wanna work
We want to smoke,
but we don't want cancer
I wanna write,
but writing makes my hands hurt
7/13/18
Can't even settle on a song to listen to
Reminiscent of my thoughts lately
---
7/12/18
A personal perfectionist;
my Achille's heel
Afraid to stray from the traditionalist,
romantic,
timeless feel
I could rhyme about pop culture
Reach for some couplets and snatch 'em
I'm a vulture
But see, it's sloppy
I'm at a point in time where writing is so prevalent in my mind, but putting these things together is so difficult. I have no lane.
But I suppose that's what this is for
As the gentlest ocean wave smoothes stone from an ugly shard of glass,
I will improve
7/7/18
i think i was overreacting. writing is really fun and im good at it dammit!
i just finished up an hour or so bike ride through campus and down to the stone arch to watch the sunset after hating being back at my house from getting back from a***s cabin.
i took it slow and im truly calm now. no music, no getting irritated at other cars or bikers, just soaking in a beautiful night.
"i saw so many pretty people on first dates, people getting their pictures taken, i saw a friend of mine from elementary school that i havent seen in a really long time, i biked through the mist of a sprinkler, and i was utterly alone at times". thats in quotes because i just texted it to a*** ♡
i need to force myself to do this more. im going to remember that.
6/23/18
it just dawned on me-
writing limits me too much. i shouldnt push myself so much if it isnt genuine or what i want to portray- in a sense- writing limits me.
thats why i love photography so much. a photograph speaks infinite words and any interpretation is valid. it isnt telling you anything except what your emotions are getting from it.
12/15/17
its been a while.
my semester is officially over and i could not be more ecstatic. ive never had to work so hard for school and now that its all done and i can relax for an entire month. im just in heaven man.
i got my new years eve shift covered, im taking shrooms with mark and calvin later today, and a***** and i are almost officially dating. life is good. this feels like the turning of a page into the happiest segment of my life thus far.
what i really wanted to note though was the new BROCKHAMPTON album- specifically BLEACH. so rarely does a song get released that leaves me floored, but this is one of them. brennan felt the same way and so did mark, as did a shit ton of people on reddit. this is special. and it could not have come at a better time.
after an extremely up and down past few months, life seems to be solidifying itself on a foundation of utter joy. i cant wait to see how high i can build it.
untitled
I love you to my chest
Flew to the skies
Beauty could not compare
Flew to the stars
Could not compare
How could it be, this feeling shes given me is better than the beauty of the universe?
I decided not to question it
I float back down
I love you too
"I love you, Ri"
She breathed to my chest
When I was sent hurling
To the sun in the west
Pink danced with blue
Right in front of my awe
An autumn night's sunset
Without hint of a flaw
But the evening event
Could just not compare
To those sounds from her lips
No matter how long I stared
So on I went upwards
Through the clouds, crystal white
Three words in my mind
Inside my face of delight
In a sea of bright stars
Is where I settled to land
Ripe with my wonder
Of the impossibly grand
Impeccable beauty
I moved passed the clouds with wind on my back
To my home of stars
*describe love*
Like a flickering flame resisting the blow
I settled back down
Beside her soft grin
With one of my own
I gently replied
"I love you, A*****"
Pale Blue Box
Will you ever be mine?
I want to hold your hand through this
And I will
A valiant attempt to reach salvation
But what if I don't survive the journey?
What if we are
Just different colored souls on opposite ends of our garden?
My highs are met with seldom lows
No, not lows
Of stagnant defeat
The buzzing thought that we may not be
What I thought we could
Our love is real
This I know
Yet we can't control the depths of our cores
The tinted gaze of the past
No matter what we may want
This we both know
But I hold on to the facts laid before me
As a newborn grips its mother's index
The beginning of the two of us
The right now
I gave my heart to you
And I don't want it back
Strangers don't turn lovers without time's help
Maybe I gave you mine too early
You're smarter than I am
I'm just a boy
Who's overly confident in his optimism
I sold my soul to an angel
Walking Back to the Car (10/21/17)
She steals my hand on our return
And sews her fingers into mine
I need not look, for I can feel
The gentle charge of love divine
Her smell's infused with that of rain
That's seeped into the cracked cement
Two lovers lost below the gleam
Of city lights and newfound scent
Time is short before we split
So I absorb the moment made
I take a glance, we share a kiss
Smiling in the nighttime shade
Mahina To My Kala
Kala rules the day
Mahina rules the night
Beyond the cloudy sky
Where everything is right
Existing for each other
Though no one seems to know
Stars observe in envy
Jealous of their glow
Staring face to face
In silence or in sound
Succumbed to their emotions
And the glamour they have found
Locked within the void
Without a care for time
Bigger than the concept
And stronger than the bind
When all the lights are dim
And life is near its end
Their love will still be pulsing
Passed galactic bends
10/7/17
on acid right now. the come up with a*****. i think were there.
- dry mouth
- sniffling behind my sinuses
- green drops
- wide eyes
- awe
wow.
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